Today's reality check is brought to you by...math. Why? It's this following equation:
Sheeloyd > Colloyd
Sheeloyd - illiterate/overused: not much
Colloyd - illiterate/overused: still a lot
Now ain't that sumthin?

ROOC-Read or Die
Urby: Salut, mes potes. Voici le ROOCDT. Rreadee, Genis?
Pimp Beastial Genis: I was born ready, girl.
Ahem-
I'm too sexy for my shirt!
Preppy Bestial Presea: Like, sup!
Goth Beastial Colette: What she said.
Genis: Hey, babe!
Presea: Heeeey! (music note)
Genis: I'm gonna need a library card, 'cuz I'm checkin' you out!
Presea: Like, uh-mah-gawd, Colette, Genis is hitting on may! Like, what should ah do?
Colette: ...
Kiss him.
Presea: Whaaaat?
Colette: If it feels like your mouth has been molested by a giant lemon, he ain't the one.
Presea: Like, okay! (smooch)
Genis: Eep!
Colette: Heh.
Urby: While zose two love-berrds arre at eet...Err-bee owns naughting.

(beat)

Urby: I'm too secksee for zis disclaimer!

Nothing happened.

The stab did nothing. When they tried to carve a hole out, a new skin covered it up.

"Rayyyne, I don't feel so good," Genis wheezed.

"Me neither," Sheryl groaned, conscious long enough only to say that comment.

"Aurgh! We'll never get him out at this rate!" Raine punched the sand.

"Get in there!" Runic spat. "Just shove yourself through the skin and you should be able to get him and get out!"

Raine decided even though she hated the kid (and a lot of the others did, haha, just kidding) he had a good idea and plunged through the water wall.

After catching the prize, Raine tumbled out of the bubble, panting. Sheryl deflated like a balloon, becoming a rubbery jellyfish skin thing. Hey, just wondering, have you ever touched a jellyfish before? I have! It was all squishy! It was also dead, but don't tell anyone. I want people to think I have shock-absorbing powers or something. Speaking of which, I'd like to have powers! Like flying! It makes me want to steal Colette's wings and-

"Shut up!" everyone yelled at the author.

Then the author dropped a giant piano on all of them, because she doesn't like being shut up.

Everyone decided it would be a good idea to take a nap after that. Mostly because they were unconscious, but hey. Shut up.

The author told them all to wake up with another piano.

"Bother, first a wild storm ride over the ocean, and now a swarm of pianos," Raine coughed.

Just to show she shouldn't complain, the author dropped a piano...missing by an inch.

"Never mind, what pianos?" Raine laughed nervously, helping the others up.

"But I don't want to do anything else," Genis whined, "I've nearly died, once by suffocating, and twice by those friggin' pianos!"

The author growled and dropped a keyboard. Hah! A techno piano! But no one knew about it because she dropped it on her sister, who was annoying her. Boo. Evil sister. Haha, just kidding, Seldom, please don't hit me-eeek!

So anyway, they walked around the geyser, yawn. I mean, it's just a bunch of water. Oooh. Eeee. Aaah. Can we go home now?

Colette seemed to have noticed something, though.

"What's up?" Genis piped.

"I dunno. That stone over there seemed kinda familiar," Colette gestured to a pedestal.

"We'll check it out later, if you want, there's a minigame going on!" Genis pointed to the geyser.

"I don't see anything," Colette scratched her head.

"Well, it ain't going on now," Genis admitted, "but it will soon. I mean, they wouldn't let us just waltz in and take the statue, right? We have to do a lame little game first."

"Oh, okay. I get it now."

So Sheryl plunged into the geyser, prompting the player to do some...uh...button mashing! Yes! Everyone loves button mashing. And if you don't, then you're not a gamer! Shame on you.

She returned to the platform, Spiritua Statue in hand and a light shade of pink.

"Maaaaaaan...it was steamy," she coughed, spewing a bit of water vapor.

"Like a good romance novel?" Raine offered.

"Yeaaaaaaah...like that, only hotter."

"If it's like anything like the one I'm reading, then you're pretty good."

"Thankyouverahmuch," Sheryl posed, which caused her to drop the statue into the geyser. Oh my.

"Ack! It's going to hit the rocks and go kablooie in a bunch of tiny pieces!" Lynn screamed.

"Not so fast!" Kratos picked up Colette (what the heck?) and threw her. She spread her wings, caught the stupid statue, and winged her way back.

"That seemed awfully rehearsed," Lloyd remarked, "is it some kind of offensive maneuver you guys created?"

"..." Kratos...said? I mean, you can't say silence. Well, he didn't say anything, because really he pulled the whole thing out of his ass.

"Cheese, all that for some stupid statue," Runic chewed on a nail.

"Just wait," Lynn noshed on her hand, "We're going to do things a whole lot stupider."

"Like?" Sheryl asked, biting on Genis' head, not to be outdone.

"Oh woe, it hurts and stings," Genis whined. (point to whoever gets the reference)

"Just...keep an eye on Genis," Lynn smirked, trying to find a way to beat Sheryl. She found it, by trying to swallow Kratos whole.

"This is just stupid," Kratos declared.

"You're just jealous you can't join in the fun," Raine snorted, preparing Colette for a biopsy.

"Don't take part of my head out; I'll end up like the author!" Colette worry-sweated.

Lloyd, feeling left out, sliced an NPC's head off. Oops. Are you sure this game deserves a T rating? Maybe this fic shouldn't be a K anymore...

But it's not like anyone pays attention to that shmuck, aye?

"I'm okay," the NPC said, picking up his head and walking off. "I'm just an NPC after all."

So, on with the story! They went to the weird rock Colette was ogling at earlier.

"Hey! This is an oracle stone!" she clarified. Oh mah gawd! El gaspo! Everybody salsa!

…

...Yeah.

Nyet works too, but I thought the slow, croak of a '...yeah' worked better. It stays! DON'T MESS WITH ME. I'M A CRAZY AUTHOR WITH A PIECE OF HER HEAD MISSING. AND MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN. DAMN.

Okay, it's fixed now. Man, that was scary.

"So if this is an oracle stone..." Runic began,

"Then Thoda Geyser must be a seal..." Sheryl continued,

"And we have more dungeon crawling to do!" Lloyd concluded, nodding.

Colette put her hand on the oracle stone...

And nothing happened.

"What the heck?" Lynn blurted.

"This is strange, it's supposed to react to me," Colette rubbed her chin, "am I doing something wrong?"

"Let me save the day!" Sheryl hopped up, took Colette's hand with a flourish, slapped it down on the stone dramatically, (Colette: Ow) and boomed:

"Open Sesame! Abracadabra! Onomatopoeia! Macaroneeeeeeeii!"

A bridge out of mist appeared.

"Whoa. You're magic," Genis blinked.

"No, she didn't leave it on the rock long enough, that's all," Runic sniggered.

"Are you sure that thing'll hold?" Lynn peeked behind Kratos' shoulder.

"It's magic, it's reliable," Runic demonstrated with by making a rose appear, handing it to her.

"Cool," Lynn touched a petal gently. The rose lashed out and bit her hand.

"Ow! Stupid flower!" she threw it on the ground and stomped on it, tore it apart in her teeth, ect ect.

Eerie silence at the sight of such violence...

"LET'S GO!" Lynn roared so loudly Kratos' toupee came off-just kidding, his hair is real. At least I think.

So, fearing the gold-eyed girl's wrath, they skedaddled up the stairs. Just as they entered the cave, the assassin chick-ahem, Sheena, was dashing up to the oracle stone.

"Now's my chance!" she panted, getting closer. "After this, I can-"

(Grawl!) Noishe growled, bristling.

"Out of my way!" Sheena barked, smacking the green dog's nose with a card.

(Whine,) Noishe whined, because when you get hit on the nose, it tends to hurt. And the cards, man! Dood, they give paper cuts and stuff.

But Noishe wasn't going anywhere. He was Noishe, the super dog! A little slice on the nose wouldn't stop him from guarding his master!

Sheena released a tiny fox-beast with a puff of smoke. "Corrine! Get him out of our way!"

Noishe paused. Teeny tiny thing, looked rather like a chew toy. It even had a bell on it!

So he chewed on it.

"Oh no, Corrine! No fair eating my trump card, that's mean!" she pointed at the green doggie, which caused a ladybug to whiz by.

"Sheena, save me!" Corrine yelped.

"Oh yeah. Sorry!" Sheena cracked her knuckles and leaped on the wolf-critter. The bridge disappeared, leaving her marooned on the geyser island thing.

In the cave, Kratos chuckled softly.

"Oh my gosh, Kratos laughed," Colette gaped.

"If it's funny enough for Kratos to laugh, it must be damn funny!" Lynn gasped.

"Quick, everyone laugh so we don't look stupid!" Genis screamed.

Everyone burst out laughing, rolling on the floor, banging on the walls, choking, you know the deal.

Except Kratos, who's way too badass to do that, and sides, he's sane. Eeeeeew.

"You guys are just..." Kratos stopped himself.

"Just...what?" Lynn demanded, jumping up on his chest and glaring at him. "TELL ME!"

Kratos glared back, placing the girl back down.

Lynn seemed as if she'd just been bitchslapped by an anvil.

"Das frig?" she glared at Kratos again, who pushed her off.

Lynn whimpered and hid in Runic's sack again.

"Damn it, Lynn, you have to stop doing that!" Runic griped. "We lose a party member and I have to lug you around!"

"The assassin didn't get in, if you're wondering 'what was so funny'," Kratos explained.

"Oh. Man, I thought it was something worth laughing at," Lloyd pouted.

"Hey, we all make mistakes," Colette shrugged.

"Except Kratos, who's perfect," Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Plllpth." (That was a raspberry, if you care)

"I've had my share of mistakes," Kratos sighed. "Like..."

"Like?" everyone leaned in. Oooh, he's gonna reveal his past! Wait for it, wait for it...

Then he tripped.

"..."

"..."

"...!"

"...?"

Everyone looked at each other, read each other's mind, and laughed.

So, that forgotten, they waltzed around, well, no. They didn't waltz. If you really need to know, they conga-lined around. Ohoho, I'm so witty.

So they found themselves at this altar, and it was weird, ya know? And there were torches on the side! The weird part was, they weren't even lit! Like, dood; that makes no sense.

Gah, I'm getting bored. You remember how the puzzle went, and for those of you who don't...you're a n00b. Go play the game.

"Okay, portal time!" Colette took a deep breath. "Everybody ready?"

"I guess," Runic coughed, snagging Diana, who was busy exploring, and stuffing her in his shirt. "Okay, go."

Boink

Okay, it makes a little Tchkuuyuu sound from what I remember, but I want to put 'boink'. Shut up!

They appeared in a new room which was surrounded by water and, so says a few who've played the game (I count as a few, I've got my Synns with me) really cool and relaxing.

"You okay?" Sheryl poked Colette.

The poke caused the poor girl to fall over.

"Ow," Colette said simply.

"All this mana makes my nose tickle," Genis whined. Then he sneezed. "Oh. Never mind!"

There was an altar (oh noes, another one) in front of the room, just kinda sitting here. Ho hum. And then suddenly, in a brilliant flash of light that gave some people playing the game seizures, mermaid people appeared! But no Disney-style singing, because they were the boss of the dungeon. Man. Why couldn't it be a giant sea snake or something? That would have been so much cooler. Pfff. Mermaid bosses. What the pluck is the world coming to?

So, anyway, that out of the way, the altar went all shiny and commanded Colette to go pray and stuff. So she did, and Remiel appeared! Like, oh my gosh.

"Well done my daughter, Colette. You have released the Seal of Water." said Remiel. "Now, take these new powers with you." There was this pretty light show, and ta-da, Colette got some new angel powers. Well, that's what they said. She didn't get anything new. But I wouldn't know. Maybe she grew a cup size or something. But like I said, I wouldn't know.

"Meet me at the next seal, my beloved daughter, Colette..." and then boosh, he vanished in a puff of feathers.

So, everybody conga-lined back to the entrance. And gaspige, Colette collapsed.

"Professor! Colette's sick again!" Lloyd helped her up.

"We should set up camp for now," Raine observed. "If this happens to Colette every times she releases a seal, this isn't going to be pretty. We'll call it Angel Toxicosis for now."

The group agreed on this, seeing that the tubs had mysteriously floated away. Either that, someone stole 'em. Anyway, they're pretty much stuck on the island.

Mysteriously...oooooooh...spooky!

Lloyd always liked campfires. So warm and bright and nice-smelling, with the added bonus of making reassuring noises.

Although he wished it was loud enough to block the half-elf's snores. Ugh. They had a special ability for doing that, he could swear on it.

Runic was also sleeping and causing a ruckus, but he didn't snore, he sleep-talked. It was something to listen to when you were bored, but after a while stuff about kumquats chasing you for not saying the pledge of allegiance got annoying.

Lynn was chasing dust specks. And mice. But mostly dust specks. That girl was always on some sort of buzz as far as he was concerned.

Sheryl, for some odd reason, couldn't sleep, so she would rest in a basin of water. It was a sort of battery-recharger. Like a sponge, yeah.

He got up and walked around, having the urge to at the moment. He found Colette gazing into a calm pool of water, showing no signs of sleepiness.

"Colette, you're still up?" Lloyd asked.

"Hm?' the girl answered, trailing a finger in the pool, "well, I'm not sleepy yet..."

"Yeah, but you should get some rest," Lloyd sat down near her.

"Kratos is still awake," Colette motioned toward the camp.

"Sure, but Kratos volunteered to be the night watch," Lloyd pointed out.

"And Lynn? What's she doing?" Colette pointed at the girl who was scuffling with a shrubbery. She apparently lost, whined, and sulked. Suddenly, she cursed and bolted, running on all fours.

"Do I look like I know? And what about you?"

"I'm sure I'll go to sleep soon," Colette fiddled with some algae in the pool.

"Certain and sure?"

"Yes, I'm certain and sure."

"Are you sure you're certain and sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure that I'm certain and sure."

"Are you sure that you're sure that you're certain-"

"Be quiet!" Runic twitched. "Cheese, that's getting annoying!"

A cricket chirped, agreeing with him.

"Oh, sorry. Colette, take care, alright?" Lloyd left.

She stared off at him, sighing deeply.

Lloyd...dream some good dreams for me...

She hugged her knees, closing her eyes to try to block him out. Remember the teachings! You can't...

"Doesn't he have the sexiest ass you've evah seen?" someone cackled behind her.

Colette jumped. "Who...what...no! What are you talking about?" she had a look behind her, where she could spy two catlike eyes watching her. There would have been a face, but it was too dark to see.

"I know where you're lookin'," the eyes swayed from side to side. "I see you checkin' his-"

"I do not!" Colette hissed, not wanting to attract attention from the camp.

"Oh, but you do!" the thing continued, something about it just a tiny bit familiar, the 'can't-put-my-finger-on-it' kind. "Why don't you just admit it and let him...comfort you? You deserve it."

Colette pounced on the thing, growling. "Stop that! I don't-"

"Auch! Ras kragiet, jarbo nitche!" the thing squealed. "Astot! Met kigo!"

"What?" Colette shook it, trying to stop it from speaking gibberish.

"Don't hurt me, I said!" the thing rushed. "Actually, it was more 'no ouch please, I break easy' if you want a full translation. More or less."

Colette held the thing up to see it in a better light. It was a sort of beaked child, with a swishy lion tail and hair with spots on it. The eyes were lined like those of a cheetah, or, if you squinted, like those Egyptian ladies. There were long, flowing ear-tufts on its head, which twitched with mischievous intent. Judging from the size, it was about six or seven years old.

"Put me down, missus?" the bird-child squirmed, "you're choking me!"

"Oh, sorry," Colette put it down. "Don't let me see you around here again!"

"Aye, won't see a feather," the child bowed and ran off.

Colette snorted and sat down again. "For the record, I'm looking at his ribbons," she said to herself, huffing.

"Hey look!" Sheryl called out. "Guys, I found a tub!"

"Shut up, I'm still asleep," Runic mumbled.

Diana pecked at his forehead until he got up.

"I'm still asleep, mind you," he yawned, smacking his lips.

"Oh noes, he's a zombie," Genis gasped.

"Shut up," Runic blasted him with a dark bolt, but missed pathetically.

"There's a hole in it," Raine knelt next to the tub, "that's probably why it's been left here. We won't be able to use it, even if it is a large tub."

"What if we roll it along?" Lloyd suggested.

Everyone stared at him.

"I mean, we can turn it on its side and run along inside it, it should move, right?"

"A wheel," Kratos clarified.

"Well I'll be," Sheryl blinked. "Lloyd had an idea!"

"And a smart one at that!" Genis gasped. "It's the end of the world! Lloyd solved a problem using logic!"

There was a brilliant flash of light, and a second, older Genis popped out of a portal through time and space. "You! You're copying my lines!"

"But it's true," the younger one said meekly, "I mean, look," he pointed to the giant dragon with the word "Ragnorok" painted plainly on one side, eating people.

"Well, sucks for your world!" the older one sniggered, warping out. "Oh yeah," he poked his head back out, "Presea likes cookies."

"Presea?" the younger one questioned.

"Never mind."

The dragon got bored, burped a few bones, and flew away.

"So it's not the end of the world," Runic sighed softly.

"Well, this thing ain't gonna turn itself," Lynn piped, shoving the tub into the water. "Let's roll!"

Man, some Katamari Damacy music would be really cool right now.

You're lonely rolling star
Don't stop moving, ok?
You're lonely rolling star
Now, let's face forward and go

Now that I've completely confused you with that, they arrived at the shore and marched to Hakonesia Peak.

"It's you again," Koton spat. "Did you bring me the Spiritua Statue?"

"Yep. In exchange for the Book of Regeneration, we'll give you it," Lloyd nodded.

"Thanks," Koton nabbed the thing. "But just a look!"

Colette flipped through it, but sadly, all that she could read where things everyone knew already. Awww, jip.

"Man, that was pretty dumb," Lloyd grumbled, sitting outside where everyone was having a lunch break.

Lynn grinned, laughing inwardly.

"What now?"

"Feast your eyes...on THIS!" Lynn held up the...Spiritua Statue? The heck?

"The heck?" everyone gawped, mimicking the author. Except Kratos, who's way too badass to do that.

"I stole it back, that's all," Lynn looked at her nails. "No big deal."

"What are we going to do with it?" Sheryl scratched her head. "We can't use it."

"Oh yes we can," Runic grinned like a madman and stuck it on a stick. "A-ha! Here's my new weapon!" Since he uses maces, you know? What? You didn't? Well, pop tarts! You do now!

"Don't you dare!" Raine hit him, taking it. "That's a priceless artifact!"

"We could always give it back to the House of Regeneration," Kratos suggested.

Everyone stared at him.

"Aaaaaaaaand why would we do that?" Lloyd asked.

"Because that's the right thing to do," Kratos said.

"Pshaw," Lynn spat. "We got it from the geyser, we're gonna keep it."

"Yeah!" everyone cheered, dashing off for new adventures over the Peak, leaving Kratos to contemplate whether or not it really was worth it to follow these people around.