Chapter 11: The Eleven Lies

— — — Somewhere dark — — —

Walter caught his breath and stomped, growling in frustration. 'They always seem to foil my plot somehow!' he pouted. 'I need to separate them all . . . and now that Maria and Tom are against me, this will be much harder . . . that's what she said — wait, can't right now! Need to think of a plan!'

Walter sat there, thinking, until his cellular phone rang. Opening it up, he said 'Hello?'

'Hello Mr. Sullivan,' came a whispery voice.

'. . . who is this?'

'Oh, don't you worry about who this is . . .'

'. . . Richard?'

'. . .' Beep.

Walter shrugged, and resumed thinking. His phone rang again, and he promptly answered.

'Hello, Mr. Sullivan,' came a very loud and silly voice, 'this is Mr.–uh, Durma . . . lurka . . melahamanammer . . . Mr. Durmalurkamelahamanammer, yes. I am Mr. Durmalurkamelahamanammer, and I'm calling reference to your subscription of Vogue—'

'I didn't subscribe to that!'

'Well it says here that you did . . . and we kind of had a problem. One of our drivers got drunk, yes, and he . . . uh, stashed your subscription in a mailbox on . . . Elm street. You might want to, uh, run around and check those mailboxes for an issue of Vogue.'

'Yes sir!' Walter yelled. He grabbed his pipe and his pistol and entered the real world, running straight for Elm street.

— — — In the house with the birthday cake — — —

'BUAHAHAHAAHAHA!' came Richard Brainfart's (ghost's) laugh as he fell back in his chair.

'I still don't quite get it,' the huge, white skinned, red-haired humanoid next to Richard said.

'That dipshit is going to run through Ashfield with a bloody pipe, a handgun, all dirty and bloodstained, and he's going to be checking peoples' mailboxes! They'll arrest his ass!'

'Damn!' the humanoid laughed, and held up his enormous hand in high-five. Richard promptly slapped it.

'DAMN!' Richard cried in pain, 'not so hard!'

'Oops.' The humanoid grabbed another piece of cake. 'You think the owner of this house will mind if we eat this cake?'

'He won't,' Richard said bluntly. 'I'm Richard Brainfart, remember?'

Back in the corner of the room was the ghost who owned the house. He shook with fear, crying and shaking his head. 'T-that was my c-c-cake . . .'

'Huh?' Richard said, getting a funny feeling, like he was missing a cutscene. 'Yo, Amarant, come on. I gotta talk to these guys.'

Amarant Coral stood up, hitting his head on the ceiling. 'Damnit, I had to be so fucking tall . . .'

'How tall are you?' Richard asked, grabbing his crowbar.

'I one-on-one'd with King Kong,' Amarant said bluntly as they walked out the door.

— — — The gang — — —

'This location does not compute upon my scanners,' Robo said as they stood in a parking lot.

'Where are we?' Crono asked as he leaned on his pipe.

'There be a note upon the ground,' Frog pointed out.

'Meh, who cares?' Henry said, walking past it. 'It's not like we have to use it.'

'I don't know . . .' Maria muttered.

'YO, BITCHES!' came a voice above them, and there was Ricard Brainfart, crowbar in hand, with a gigantic figure beside him. Richard jumped off the top, and landed safely on the ground.

'Richard, I don't know about that,' Amarant called. 'Last time I fell from a big height, I got saved by that stupid Zidane.'

'Amarant, come on,' Richard called up. Amarant shrugged, and flipped off the building, landing gracefully. Standing, he brushed himself off and took a stride forward.

'He's taller than Aragorn,' Tom gasped.

James and Henry screamed at the sight, and dove behind a nearby car, peeking over it and leaving a yellow puddle in their wake. Richard approached the group with no sign of hostility.

'I'm not here to kick your guys' asses,' Richard said. 'I'm here to help. Along with Amarant Coral, who is awesome.'

Amarant nodded and crossed his arms.

'Where are the bitch and the baby?' Richard continued.

'Bitch and baby are hiding behind that car,' Maria said, pointing to behind the car.

'Whore!' James screamed as he and Henry stood up, knees shaking. 'Hello, Richard, hello Adamant.'

'Amarant,' Amarant corrected.

'Or, in Japan, Salamander.'

'Huh?'

'Read up sometime, retard,' James scoffed.

'Likewise, fucktard.'

Maria shuddered. 'I love a man who talks dirty.'

'Hey, you skank,' Tom fumed. 'I'll jack you the next time that you talk to him like that.'

'. . . ooh, I love you baby,' Maria said as she jumped on him.

' . . . you two are freaks,' Amarant muttered as he turned back to Richard. 'Anyway, we got rid of Walter Sullivan — for the time being . . .'

— — — Ashfield — — —

Walter had just finished checking a mailbox when two cops pulled up, leaping out of their cars and aiming their guns at him.

'Freeze, police!' they cried. Walter took off running, and was pursued by the cops. He reached the street and found it was in the middle of heavy traffic, and he'd be run over if he tried to get through.

The cops caught up, and leapt on him, wrestling him to the ground and taking away his weapons. They turned him around and handcuffed him.

'No, you see,' Walter said as they loaded him into the police car, 'Vogue thought they had my subscription, and sent "my" issue to—' They had Walter at the car, and he bracing the sides of the door with his feet and struggling wildly, '—the wrong address, AND NOW I HAVE GET IT BEFORE PEOPLE THINK I READ THAT CRAP!'

Walter knocked the cops down and rolled away, standing and running sloppily away. As he entered the street, he got slammed by a car, thrown over it and onto the street — a truck then rolled over him. Walter didn't move.

'Ehh,' one of the cops said, getting on the radio, 'we may need some medical assistance.'

— — — Back to the gang — — —

Everyone is inside the house with the birthday cake, waiting for something that Richard won't reveal the nature of. Finally, after ten minutes, the flaming ghost of Jasper Gein floated in sporting a pickaxe. 'H-h-h-here, Amarant,' he said as he handed the Pickaxe of Despair to said person.

'Sweet,' Amarant grunted, 'it's big enough for me . . . and it matches my hair.'

'The c-c-c-c-c-cops arrested Wal-wal-walter, and he's in c-c-county lock up-p-p,' Jasper announced. Richard and Amarant laughed. 'Anyw-w-w-ways, you guys may get through un-h-h-h-hindered, as long as you make haste. Someone's going to b-b-b-bail Walter out.'

'Who!?' Richard asked.

'I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't know,' Jasper said as he shrugged.

— — — County Lock Up — — —

'Hey,' came a voice next to Walter. The blonde looked over to see a huge man with a dozen tattoos looking into his eyes. 'I'll be your friend.'

Walter smiled. 'Really?'

'Yeah, I'm Bubba.'

'I'm—'

'Walter Sullivan?' came an officer's voice from outside the cell. 'Your bail's been posted, you're free to go.' Walter stood and turned back to Bubba.

'Nice to meet you,' he said as he exited the cell. 'Who posted my bail?'

'I did!' came a voice from around the corner. There was a robed figure, who took the robe off to reveal: Sigma!

'. . . I don't even know you, why did you post my bail?' Walter asked.

'Because it's my pasttime: bailing out strangers. And then becoming their sidekicks for whatever schemes they may have.'

'. . . did EternalFlare put you up to—'

'We must be off!' Sigma cried as he threw a smoke bomb.'You have to appear in a cutscene.'

— — — Behind a grate — — —

'Dangit,' Henry screamed. 'Now we have to go do that stupid sideques—'

Amarant kicked the grate, knocking it over and revealing a perfectly open path. Eileen started through, but her heel caught on a link and she fell forward, skinning herself. Everyone paused, and continued as Eileen stood up.

'Mom's waiting, stay outta my way!' little Walter cried. 'Who are you, anyway!?'

'My name's Walter,' big Walter said, 'Walter Sullivan. It's time to complete the Twenty-one Sacraments.'

'But that's, like, my name . . . and what are the "Twenty-one Sacraments"?'

Walter held up his finger. 'You'll know soon enough. Come now . . . let's go see Mother!' Big Walter and Little Walter started Banana Dancing, and floated away.

'There be magic of some sort within that dance,' Frog mused.

The group continued until they came to the big, red room with the fan. Rather than a bunch of wheelchairs like scripted, there was a cloaked figure with a big mole on his head.

'It's not a mole!' Sigma cried.

Author: Yeah, well it looks like one.

'Anyway,' Sigma said, throwing the cloak off and drawing a lightsabre, 'I've come to slay Eileen Calvin and Henry Townshend!'

'Why me!?' Henry cried.

'Joseph will tell you everything. Now, prepare for your doom!' Sigma charged at Eileen, but Henry and James intercepted him, firing blindly. He plowed through the two, however, and reached for Eileen . . .

Richard teleported in front of him, thwacking his skull with the crowbar. Sigma halted, and swung at Richard — Richard teleported behind him, and hit again.

'Amarant!' Richard cried.

'On it,' Amarant responded cooly, raising the pickaxe to bear and swinging it into Sigma's shoulder. Sigma fell to the ground, a bunch of circuits blowing, but he got back up and roared.

'Taste Flair, prick,' Amarant said as he used No Mercy. Sigma staggered back and made for the door, but had his clock cleaned by Robo, sending him right between Frog and Crono, who each hit him in the head. Said appendage burst apart in a sea of whitish-blue sparks, sending Sigma to the ground.

'Run, run, run,' James said, 'before he turns into his second form!'

— — — Not too long afterwards — — —

There was a note on the circle-ey door:

To continue, you must defeat the only one here that isn't one of the Eleven Lies. Making him the One Truth. So kill him, idiot, and get here ASAP.

Opening the door, the group found themselves in a room with twelve wall monsters, each sliding down from the ceiling.

'How do we kill twelve!?' James shrieked.

'Just all attack a different one,' Amarant replied dryly. James conceded, and ran up to one of the monsters, swinging his spade. It slapped him in the face, sending him plummeting down into the darkness.

'James!' Robo cried as he was hit, joining James. Frog was hit from behind too, as well as Crono, Maria, and Tom.

'HEY!' Richard shouted. All the monsters paused, shaking. 'Which one of you is the "One Truth"?' All the monsters pointed to the monster that had knocked James off. Richard, Amarant and Henry each hit it, killing it and opening the door.

'Do you think they're dead?' Henry asked.

'I don't know,' Amarant shrugged. 'Let's move on.'

— — — In the dark hole — — —

'What happened?' James's voice said.

'I don't know,' Robo beeped.

'How's that, Tom?' Maria purred.

'What?' Tom asked.

'Ohhh man, Maria,' James moaned.

'Ewww,' Maria said as she called 'Where's Tom?'

'Whose hand am I touching?' Tom asked.

'Okay, that's mine,' Maria said. 'How's that, Tom?'

'Feels reeeeeeaaaaally good.'

'There art more importent tasks rather than manipulating Tom's testicles with thy hand, Maria,' Frog scolded.

'You're right,' Tom sighed.

'Aww,' Maria said.

'Hey, I said he was right! I didn't say I was going to comply!'

'Oh,' Maria purred, and was back on it.

'Welcome!' came Walter's voice. 'I see some people fell into my trap!'

'What was the point of Sigma . . .' James mused.

'Now, I shall hold you hostage!' Walter laughed.

—To Be Continued!

— — —

Where are Henry and co. going? What will Walter do with James and co.? What WAS the point of Sigma? Find out next time, in: ROOM 302 OF THE PAST!