Chapter Eleven: No Troubles at All

N * O * T * E

I've had some discussion with other readers and writers about Matt being fairly articulate in my stories. I know there are different takes on this. And I think several different ideas are valid. There are certainly times (seems to me especially in the later shows) when he is laconic to the point of idiocy. (For example in KLA when she says "It's hard to throw away eighteen years" and he replies, "Yeah.") But the other swing of the pendulum is those early shows where he would walk boot hill and give a little verbal essay on the fate of man and the fate of mankind. I try to draw something in-between. But my viewpoint is that, comfortable among his friends, or, alternately, when taking charge of a situation or problem, he is certainly neither shy not inarticulate. Not being defensive here – just sharing my writing viewpoint with my GS buddies. Always pleased to see discussion on things like this in the comments or in PMs.

E * N * D * * *N * O * T * E

Matt walked into the yard and put both arms around Kitty from behind, and they watched as Frank rode slowly out of sight without turning. Kitty rested herself back against him and crossed her arms over his. They stood like that for quite a while before Matt turned her around to face him. "You know how it feels some nights, 'specially when there's something we want to talk about, and we're just waitin' for the last couple customers to leave the Long Branch so we can close up and be alone and quiet together?" he asked.

Kitty smiled at that. "Don't I just, Cowboy," she replied.

"Seems to me like we've just been goin', and goin', and goin' since the night Ellie died with too much to do, and too many people, and no chance to just be with each other – at least while we're awake." Matt tipped up her chin and kissed her lightly then looked into her eyes, "I've heard from everybody else on this, Kitty, but what I really want is to hear from you. You going to make it through all this, Kitty?" He stopped and cupped her cheek with his hand, "Are we going to make it through, Kitty?"

Kitty tilted her face and said a little curiously, "Well, I've been wondering that some myself, Matt. I thought a couple nights ago maybe we really had something," she turned her eyes down to look at his chest, "And then I thought maybe you just made a mistake and weren't sure what to do about it."

"Look at me, Kitty," he said, and she did. "Only mistake I made was choosin' the wrong time for that conversation. I was tired, and you were mad, and we had too many things happening at once." Matt laughed a little ruefully, "We pretty much always have too many things going on at once, don't we?" Kitty nodded agreement to that, and he continued, "How about you let me start again? Now, when we're really alone and we have some time together. We've been pretty good at talkin' things out with each other over the last few years, haven't we?"

"We have, Matt." Kitty agreed. She took a deep breath and raised her chin to smile at him, "All right, Matt, you go ahead and say it the way you really think."

That smile cut him through. Matt saw that she expected him to retract his declaration. He could see her setting herself to accept that without complaint. "Oh, honey, don't. Don't think that. I do love you, and I want you to know that, and I want you to count on it. I've just told myself for so many years that I couldn't love you, that it took almost losing you this time to get it through my thick head that my heart had already made the choice."

Matt cradled her head in his hand and held it against his chest. "I know I'm making a mash of this, Kitty, and I'm sorry. Every time I think I have the right words, something happens and they all just fly away from me. But we've got some time and some space here for a few days. We can talk it out as much as we want. You tell me what you need to hear and I'll find a way to say it."

"I think you're doing just fine, Matt," Kitty told him.

He stood back from her a little, his hands on her shoulders. "You do?"

"Mmm hmm."

He waited a little, hoping for more of a response. Realizing that despite the fact that he'd been so intent on getting his own feelings out, and so sure of hers, that he'd never actually heard a response from her. She met his eyes, both eyes and lips smiling, but she didn't give him the words he wanted. He bent to kiss her. That would be enough for now. He couldn't, and wouldn't, push her any more than she had pushed him. But a little lick of worry spurted in his chest. He started to draw back when her arms came around his neck and she drew his head down to lay her cheek against his. "I love you, Matt. I have for a long time. But I couldn't say it to you, not really, until I was sure you were ready to hear it."

OoOoO

Looking back, later, on those early autumn days at the cabin they remembered them as isolated bits of action and spurts of conversation, rather than as a sequence of events.

OoOoO

They both remembered that first night after Frank left. They made love in the rough little bed through most of the night, starting and stopping, resting and starting again. Matt hadn't known he had that in him, would have thought it bragging to even contemplate it, but every time it was over, and he lay holding her, loving her, trying to get his breath back, somehow slowly it would start again. When the night grew cool, Matt padded barefoot and naked into the front room and made up the fire, leaving the door between the rooms open for warmth as he came back to spread the two rough woolen blankets from his bedroll over their top quilt.

"Those smell like horses." Kitty told him, and when he climbed in next to her and pulled her warm body against his cold skin she made a show of smelling him all over. "You smell like horses, too, Matt."

He laughed and rolled her under him, sniffing her, "And I'm too much of a gentleman to tell you what you smell like, Kitty."

But she only joined his laughter, "I smell like fucking, Matt, and so do you." She spread her legs apart and ran her nails over his buttocks. "Bet you can't do it again, Cowboy."

"I know I can't," he snorted, "And you know it too. Now lay still and go to sleep." But she didn't lay still, and, after a while, he did do it again.

OoOoO

Kitty remembered cooking more meals, with fewer supplies, than she'd ever done in her life. She remembered Matt teaching her to skin a rabbit and to pluck a chicken. She remembered sunny hours in the little left over garden, pulling weeds to no purpose among rows of vegetables soon to be abandoned to frost and wildlife. She thought about the cycle of planting and growing and picking and canning – remembering the rows of glass jars in Bess Roninger's cellar and wondered how that was done and if she could ever learn. They both remembered eating sun warmed tomatoes until their mouths were sore from the acid, and sometimes, years down the road, just looking at a plate of ripe tomato slices would leave them smiling into each other's eyes

OoOoO

Matt exercised both horses, and spent time exploring the small homestead. It was perfect as a hideaway, as a retreat, but almost useless as a working place. There wasn't enough land for stock and the rolling hills and gully made it equally worthless for real planting. But he did find a creek not too far away and a small stand of cottonwoods. He cut poles to go with the line and hooks in his saddlebag, and got Kitty up bareback on the little mare to ride out and spend time fishing. She brought soap and they ended up washing each other in the shallow water and sitting naked in the sun to dry.

OoOoO

"What would it be like, Matt, really living on a place like this?" she asked wistfully one time. "I know we're just playin' at it now, but sometimes I wonder…"

"Hard work, Kitty, and lots of it. Dawn to dark every day, even with a decent place and enough stock to start out," he answered, but he sighed because he'd been thinking the same thing.

"It could be good, though," she said softly, "Even if it was hard."

"I know it could, Kitty," he said regretfully, "But I can't. I'm responsible for too many other things right now. Things other people can't do."

"I know that, Matt," she told him plainly. "Sometimes I just get to thinking. I know it's not real, but sometimes I can't help thinking."

"Neither can I, Kitty, neither can I."

OoOoO

One afternoon they did something, he did something, that changed, at least a little, the way things worked between them. He tried later to remember when it had happened. It couldn't have been the first day, they weren't quite comfortable enough with each other yet, and he didn't think it was the last day before they left, but more than that he couldn't really pin it down. It was afternoon, and almost hot. They'd been up early for fishing and washing and were laying naked on the bed with all the windows open while their clothes dried spread out on the porch and on a makeshift line. The afternoon sun threw a shaft through the small back window that highlighted the red curls between her legs, and Matt couldn't help but let his hands follow that spear of light, spreading her thighs apart and touching her.

Kitty lay half asleep, letting him play, too relaxed to respond with more than a soft hum of contentment until with sudden and startling intensity she felt his mouth on her. "It's pink," he said, "I always thought it would be white, like a real pearl, but it's pink."

"Matt." She knew her voice was calm, but there must have been an edge to it because he stopped what he was doing.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Kitty," he said.

"You didn't hurt me, Matt, but you don't want to do that."

His hands were back stroking her lightly, caressing her. She'd always loved that. So many men she'd known had no idea there was even anything there to do, much less how to do it. "Why not?" he asked. "I like it when you use your mouth on me." He kissed her again. She felt his wet tongue licking softly against her pearl and couldn't keep back a gasp.

She put a hand down, tugging a little at his hair, lifting his face from her. "Matt, honey, men don't do that," she said it very gently, but kept her voice firm.

"You don't like it?" he asked, "Seemed to me there that you did."

"I didn't say I didn't like it, Matt." Kitty said, "I said men don't do that."

"Why?" he asked again, kissing her again.

"It's… it's not decent, Matt." And that was all the encouragement he needed. It was new to him, but he knew what she liked from his hands, and worked to do that with his mouth – kissing her, stroking her with his tongue, nibbling lightly, moving to hold her hips down and open when she began to move against him, and finally sucking softly like he did on her nipple. She spent against his mouth, gulping for air, calling his name. He moved up to hold her and found Kitty flushed and crying real tears.

Matt had never seen her disturbed with anything they did in bed, and it surprised him. He held her gently, trying unsuccessfully to will down his own excitement. "I'm sorry, Kitty. I didn't know better. Shh, now. It's alright. I won't do it again."

But there was laughter now in the tears, and she said with fervent sincerity, "I sure hope you don't mean that, cowboy." He shook his head, not understanding, and saw she was blushing, his Kitty, blushing like a schoolgirl.

"You'll have to explain that to me some day, Kitty," he told her.

"I don't know if I can, but I'd sure be embarrassed if anyone knew about that."

Matt ran his hands down her back. Letting them settle on her round bottom. Stroking there and squeezing. "You spend a lot of time, do you, Kitty, telling people about what we do in bed?" he asked.

"You know I don't, Matt," she replied a little breathless.

"Well, I don't either. So I guess if you like it, and I like it, then probably we're pretty safe."

Her hands moved over the hard length of him, stroking up and down, "Got you excited, did it?" she asked.

"It surely did." Matt replied, but she had already straddled him and was using her hands to tuck him inside her, moving against him harder than he usually liked, but this time he just rolled her over, kneed her legs farther apart, and thrust equally hard against her, surprised but pleased when she spent again, and letting her clutching muscles release him into her heat.

OoOoO

They were fishing one day when she asked him, out of the blue it seemed to him, "You and Frank ever have a woman together?"

"You mean, like, together in the same bed, on purpose?" he asked, startled.

"Mmm hmm."

"Uh, no. People do that?" He was curious.

"Sometimes. Mostly partners. Or brothers. We see it in the business from time to time. I just wondered."

They were quiet for a time, the sun warm and the water cool around their feet. She saw Matt smiling into the water, and asked him, "Want to share that thought?"

"There was a time, once, when we were with the Pawnee…" he started then petered out.

"And…" she prompted him.

"We weren't really spending time with them, just came into camp to ask some questions. Brought an antelope. They invited us to eat and stay overnight," he glanced at Kitty, this was new territory, but she just nodded and watched him expectantly. "There was an old woman. She offered me her granddaughter. I think it surprised the bucks, because they hadn't planned on that. Didn't offer Frank a woman."

"What happened then?" Kitty asked.

Matt shrugged. "After dinner we went into the tipi. Frank went over and rolled up in his blanket by the kids and the old woman. I took the girl. He never hoorahed me about it later. That could mean he just went to sleep and didn't care, or maybe that he cared a lot. Could have been either way."

"Why'd the grandmother do that, Matt? Why you and not Frank?" Kitty asked.

He laughed, but he blushed. "Grandma said she liked my blue eyes," he told her. Then, more seriously, "The old lady had blue eyes too. Might have been white once. Might not."

"That kind of thing happen a lot, Matt?" Kitty asked.

"From time to time. When I traveled with the Pawnee or the Kiowa. If they like a man, and there's enough women to go around, they give you one while you're there. It's not something you can turn down, Kitty. It would be a death insult," Matt said. "But you don't ever make a move on an Indian woman unless she's offered. Never touch one. Don't even talk to them unless there's a real cause."

"You ever wonder if there's a little blue-eyed Pawnee child of yours down in the Nations somewhere?"

Matt shook his head. "It doesn't work like that, Kitty. A child's only a 'breed if the mother goes off with a white man, outside the tribe, or if he lives with them a long time and claims her and then leaves her. If I had started a child, and it's possible I suppose, it would be an Indian – the whole band takes care of the women and children." His voice turned bitter. "They're better than whites about that."

"Sounds like." Kitty agreed, "I've seen towns do some mighty foul things to a girl – even if she was raped."

They fished some more, talking of this and that, but on the way back to the cabin Matt rode next to her, knee to knee. "Kitty."

"Yes, Matt?"

"What would you do if you got pregnant?" he asked.

Kitty sighed, "I wonder about that from time to time, but we're pretty careful. I hate that sometimes. Always counting, deciding what's safe and what's not. But it's seemed to work."

Matt stopped the horses and turned Buck around so he and Kitty were facing each other, knees touching. "Kitty, I need you to make me a promise."

"You'll have to tell me what it is, Matt," she said.

"Promise me that if you're pregnant, you'll tell me. You won't just run off somewhere and try to take care of things yourself. Promise me you'll tell me and you'll marry me."

"You really mean that, Matt?" Kitty tilted her head, her eyes on him. "I know you don't want to get married while you wear that badge. I don't understand that completely, but I've come to know it's true."

"Some things are more important than others, Kitty. While it's just the two of us, we can make different decisions, but if there were a child… Kitty, I need you to promise me that." Kitty had never seen him more serious.

"All right, Matt," she agreed. "If I think I'm going to have your baby, I'll tell you."

Matt held Buck tight with his knees and reached over to cup her face in his hand. He shook his head, "That's not enough, Kitty. I know your life is more dangerous than you let on to me. And I know there are things you won't tell me – won't let Doc tell me. Any child, Kitty, any child."

She wanted to look away, but she couldn't, so she looked him straight in the eye. "If I'm pregnant, Matt, I'll tell you."

"And let me marry you," he went on. "Is that so hard, Kitty?

"Yes, Matt, it's hard, because it could be at the wrong time and for all the wrong reasons, but yes, if I'm pregnant I'll let you give me your name. More than that I won't promise."

Matt turned Buck back towards the cabin and reached down to take her hand. They let the horses walk slowly on.

OoOoO

Their conversation about Bill Pence was over supper one night, the night they had chicken and dumplings. "I talked to Bill some, Kitty." Matt said, "He told me he wants you to buy him out. I wish you'd wait a bit."

"Oh?"

The way she said it let Matt know he was treading on thin ice. "I know he didn't let on, but he's pretty upset about Ellie. Feels it was his fault for not searching the Long Branch before closing."

Kitty's heart faltered for a minute. She'd been angry with Bill for that, but she'd taken the blame for Ellie's death on herself. It hadn't occurred to her that he would man up to his own responsibility in the incident. "He tell you that straight out, Matt?"

Matt nodded. Kitty took a breath and a bite of dumpling, went on when she was done. "It's not just that, Matt. Bill's not careful about a lot of things. And he makes some pretty nasty remarks sometimes. He came up to my room once, while Doc was there, and, well, what he said made Doc pretty mad."

But Matt just smiled at that. "Doc can handle that, Kitty, and so can you. He might even take it as a compliment."

Kitty chuckled, "I hadn't actually thought of it that way. I do love Doc, and we've never been shy of showing it, so I suppose people might wonder."

"Kitty, I know Bill's not the best partner, but he does serve a purpose. He's handy with that mallet of his, and he'll handle the shotgun if he needs to." Matt said.

"Sometimes," Kitty agreed, "Sometimes not. I've had to shoot two men with that shotgun, Matt, you know that. And if Bill had been holding it instead of me, then likely they'd have taken him more seriously and just left when they were asked. Somehow a woman with a gun is a challenge rather than a threat."

"That's one reason I'd like to see Bill stay awhile, Kitty." Matt agreed, "At least until you find someone else you can trust to help you run things."

"Maybe," she said, "Maybe the devil you know is better than the devil you don't."

They ate in silence for a while. "Where'd you learn to make dumplings, Kitty?" Matt asked her.

"Slave woman who cooked for us when I was little. Hattie was her name. She taught me to cook some."

"What happened to her?"

"My grandfather took her back to the plantation after my mother died. I only saw her once after the war, while I was at the Lily. Saw her on the street, talked to her a little. She was cooking at a boarding house then. Had her boys living with her."

"She did a good job, teaching you." Matt commented, spooning another helping onto his plate.

"Hattie was good at a lot of things, Matt. Wish I could have kept her with me."

OoOoO

It was their last night at the cabin, and it was warm instead of cool. Matt lay next to her and they listened to the night sounds through the open window. He reached over to smooth her hair. "Kitty?"

"Matt?"

"Frank talked to me some before he left. Told me he put his hands on you. That first day."

Kitty gave a little snicker, "I wondered if he'd say anything about that. You hit him?"

"Didn't feel there was a need. Was there?" he asked.

"No. He and I worked that out between us," she said.

"Tell me about that, Kitty."

She raised herself up on an elbow. "You really want to know, Matt?"

"I really want to know," he replied.

"Well, when Jake's nephew passed me off to Frank, and we rode off, he seemed to have the idea he'd been given a Christmas present. I was sitting up in front of him, and, you know, that can be pretty… intimate, if you let it." She heard Matt's low chuckle in agreement. "He had a hand on my breast and one resting between my legs. I told him to move them." She stopped, but couldn't keep the laughter out of her voice, "So he did."

"Frank does like women, Kitty." Matt chortled.

"So I figured there were two ways to handle it. I knew he was a decent man, or he wouldn't be your friend, so I figured I could make him keep his hands to himself if I was firm enough about it, but that I'd have to keep doin' the same thing over and over. So I took the easy way out."

"And what was that?" Matt asked.

"I told him you wouldn't like it." Kitty said seriously.

Matt thought about that a little. "He believe you?"

"Not the first time I said it," Kitty told him, "But yes. And he made me a good, straightforward apology. Moved me up behind him, and took good care of me on the ride in." Matt didn't say anything more, so she went on, "I really liked him, Matt. Trusted him. He made me feel safe. And he was good company."

"He liked you, too, Kitty. Told me that before he left." Matt gathered her into his arms. There was a little sadness in his voice, but it was firm and true, "Kitty, anything ever happens to me, you go to Frank for any help you need. He'll see you through, for love of me if nothing else."

"Okay, Matt. I don't like to think about it, but I'll remember that if it will make you feel better."

"It will." Matt said. "C'mere, honey. It's our last night. Let's think of good things."

"You're the best thing I know, Matt." Kitty said, and lifted her lips to kiss him slowly.

OoOoO

On Thursday morning they packed up the few things they had in Matt's saddle bags. They left the feather ticks on the bed, but Kitty folded up the quilts and put them in the cupboard in the main room, along with what was left of their supplies.

"No real way to keep mice out of the bedding," Matt said.

"I know that," Kitty replied, "But I'd want there to be something here if someone comes along, needs shelter." Matt nodded and brought in wood to stack in the fireplace, and left matches on the mantle beam.

Matt laid his saddle in the back of the wagon and tied Buck behind on a lead. Kitty looked around the empty cabin once, put the door on the latch, and went to let Matt help her climb up on the wagon seat.

The little trail out to the road was rough, and she held the seat with both hands. Once they got down to the road, things were smoother. After a while, she said, "We going to talk about Marlow, Matt?"

"I'm not going to be able to help you with that, Kitty." Matt said. "But I won't hinder you either. Frank showed me what I need to do, and I'll do it. No matter what's said, I will not let them make me show my anger."

"That's all right then, Matt," she responded, "If I don't have to worry about you, then I'll just speak out as I need to. Ellen Sue, she deserves that from me."

It was miles later, and they'd stopped once to water the mare and let her rest a little before going on. "Matt?" Kitty said.

"Yes, Kitty?"

"If they ask me about you, under oath, I'm not going to lie." Kitty told him.

"I know that, Kitty. I've known that from the first, and I wouldn't expect you to," he replied.

"Well, Matt, if they ask, and if I have to answer, then, well, I might find a way to make is sound like you're not the only lover I have. But you'd know better, wouldn't you? You'd understand?"

"I would, Kitty, but other people might not." Matt held the reins in his right hand and reached his left over to stroke her hair. "You don't have to do that, honey."

"We'll just have to see what happens, Matt." Kitty replied, "As long as you and I are straight, the rest will take care of itself."

"And that's a truth to remember." Matt said sincerely.

"You think they'll ever find the gold, Matt?" she asked a few miles later.

"I doubt it." Matt said, "Could be anywhere."

Their last bit of conversation came as they were almost to Dodge, sitting upright and a little apart on the seat, ready for the world to see them. "This last week, is it going to change anything, Matt? Anything between us, the way we live, the way we act?" Kitty asked.

"Probably not, Kitty," he said honestly, "Not right now at least."

"But it might change our expectations," Kitty suggested. "For the future," she paused, "If there is a future."

And right there on the road, Matt pulled up the mare and reached over to kiss her slowly and thoroughly. "That, sweetheart, is most certainly true." He lifted the reins and shook them, "Giddyup there."