10. When a Man Loves a Woman

EPOV

She left; I didn't think anything could be worse than leaving her but her leaving me was definitely heartbreaking. I didn't even go down for breakfast; I just sat on my bed trying to pull myself together. She was right there, standing right in front of me. How the emptiness felt so wrong I could not say but it was devouring me slowly.

I called the airline and had them change my flight so I could return home early. It cost a pretty penny but I didn't give a shit; I wanted to wallow in my own self pity alone. I didn't want anyone's pity and I didn't want to hear their whispers behind my back.

I stayed in Carlisle's study most of the day, waiting for my flight and sitting in the chair that last held Bella. Her scent still lingered, honey and lilacs and I let its effect on me go wild. The computer was up and the login screen was on for MySpace, I hadn't checked mine in a while. I grew out of it after two years of teenybopper and homosexual advances. There were more of those than anything even remotely appealing.

I had 102 messages in my inbox, 47 people wanted to be my friend, 117 people had replied to my status update that read; Going to club trio tonight…holla at cha boi. Yeah, the last three months have had their toll on my social life.

I went and looked at my profile page and all the information on it was from three months prior. So much has changed since then. I went through and fixed it. I changed my interests to piano and music in general. Before, it was parties and women. I changed my movies to action and horror because I couldn't watch anything but. Before it was depends on my mood, anything really. I also changed my about me to say Just ask. It was a big long drawn out run on sentence before. I didn't feel like being funny anymore.

When I came to the section titled Hero's I read what I had written before and it was actually really sad. I am my own hero because there is nobody better than me. It was snide and conceded when you read it but really, I have no hero's. It's only been me, my father a drunken abuser and my mother a pushover. Can't find a hero in there! Nothing.

So I changed it to something simple yet meaningful to me. Hero's don't exist so what's the point? I thought I had a hero once, turns out it's not even important enough to talk about.

After that I logged out and told myself I wasn't going to subject myself to MySpace. What was the point? The only reason you even get a MySpace is to keep in touch with friends or meet people. I didn't want to do either of those things.

After flying home, my apartment was uninviting when I walked in, not like I expected. I was looking for solace, but it eluded me.

The remainder of my time off was spent in my living room. I didn't answer the door or the phone the entire time. I didn't want anyone to see me like this; I felt 14 years old again. Deep down I knew it shouldn't get to me like it was but the feeling was so unexplainable: like I was empty.

I didn't feel it before because I was pushing it away, I fought against it. When she was back in my life for that short amount of time, the feeling was void. The problem was resolved for the moment, but when it came back it came back hard with a vengeance.

Real life did return and I had to go back to work. The job I have been hoping for was now mine. I wasn't going to let this depression take that from me. So I threw all of my emotions into work; I was professional when I needed to be, hospitable when necessary, cunning at times and entertaining when the situation called for it.

It went on like that for weeks; like I was a walking shell. I did what people expected of me when I was out and about, but when I was home I let my emotions and feelings swallow me. There was nothing more to do. The most important thing to me was taken away for the second time in my life. Ironically; that thing is one and the same and it was never really mine at all.

"I'm not calling her Jasper," I yelled over the phone. He'd called me to tell me that he was coming into Portland on business but he also wanted me to hook him up with tickets to see whatever was scheduled for that weekend.

After I'd told him yes he decided to bring up the one person I was trying desperately not to think about and failing miserably.

"Edward, she isn't the type of woman that has the initiative or the self confidence to make the first move. She's scared, she's only seen people leave her until the Swan's and—as bad is it sucks—you are one of those very people. You're going to have to fight and fight hard to get her to trust you again." All knowing Jasper has come out to play.

"It isn't like I wasn't hurt; I didn't have the rosy red childhood either. Why should I have to do all the work?"

"If you want to be with her as much as we all know you do, then you'll make the effort. Until you can figure that out for yourself, she'll be trying to find the man of her dreams and fail just as miserably as you will when you search for the woman of yours."

"Stop with the psycho babble bull shit Jazz; if she wants to fucking talk to me, she knows how to get in touch with me." I slammed my phone shut and threw it at the couch. I'd had enough of this, I wasn't sleeping well, the dreams haven't wavered since seeing her face; if anything, they were better.

What I mean by better, is even more depressing than before. It was now Adult Bella, before seeing her it was 13 year old Bella, now it is Bella in all her beautiful, captivating, mature adult glory. Much more depressing.

When I looked into what was booked that weekend I laughed out loud because Jasper and Alice—and their mystery guest—were going to be at a SlipKnot concert. I was overjoyed to be doing him this favor. He and Alice were far from SlipKnot fans, anything but actually. Teaches him to keep his nose out of other people's business. I chuckled to myself..

I thought about how many tickets he's asked for, why did he need three? Could it be that Bella is coming along? I didn't want to get my hopes up so I stopped that thought before it could get any further.

I finally decided it was time to eat, of course Top Ramen isn't the healthiest of options but it isn't the worst either. I had just put my bowl in the microwave when my phone rang and I figured it would be Jasper, all I saw was the 207 area code.

I didn't answer it; I wasn't up to more of his conversations and psychoanalysis. Then the alert went off that notifies me of a text message. I didn't check that either; figured people would have gotten the hint by now.

The microwave dinged and I grabbed my bowl and made my way to the couch, where I have been spending all of my time outside of work. It was comfortable and made for easy access to all of my needs.

After a while of thumbing through the channels and discovering that nothing was on that held my interest I grabbed my phone and the missed call icon said that it was Bella.

My heart started to thump loudly in my chest and my palms became sweaty and I was agitated as the anger and regret of not answering my phone came crashing down on me.

I had a text message so I navigated to that quickly and in the list of messages received it said Bella in bold highlighted letters; it was unread. I clicked on it and this is what I saw.

I don't blame you for not answering my phone call but I needed to talk to you. I wasn't going to call at all to be honest, but Jasper practically forced me to d-B

I had to go back to the list and navigate to the next message that read Bella.

O it. I was going to wait to talk to you until Friday when we come down or Saturday…whatever was going to be better for you. If you don't want to talk anymore-B

, like it seems, I will understand. I've been foolish to make you wait and it was wrong of me to go back on my promise. But I'd like to make it up to you over lunch o-B

R dinner or even breakfast, whichever you prefer, it's on me.-B

I looked at the time on my phone and the time I received the message, 45 minutes ago. So many things I wanted to say to her but not like this, not over a text message. So this is what I said instead.

See you Friday night.-E

BPOV

Every day I wanted to dial his number but every day I talked myself out of it. If he couldn't even respond to a message through MySpace that must mean he didn't want to talk to me. I had worked so hard at protecting myself and I didn't want to throw 10 years of hard work away only to have a few days, or even months of time with him before he left again.

That's all I could think about. I knew that if I gave him the chance we both wanted him to have; I would fall hard and fast. He was already the only person that caused my heart to flutter, my pulse to quicken and yes, I'll admit, my panties to dampen. If you could see him; hear his sultry voice, yours would be too.

I was torn; happiness that may only last for so long or the misery-like state I have been in since the event that changed everything.

"Why can't I just wait to talk to him?" Jasper was trying like hell to get me to call Edward and tell him that we could talk when we went to Portland later this week.

"Wouldn't you want to know? Plus, it'll make him anxious to see you. He'll be thinking about it all week." Jasper had a point.

"Maybe," I replied.

"Screw maybe Bella, as Emmett would say "just do it"," he tried to quote him but it wasn't quite right.

"You mean "be like Nike and just do it"," I corrected him.

"Stop trying to change the subject Bells, call him." He shoved my hand towards me; the hand that was holding my cell phone.

"I'm not calling him now, no way." I put my phone in my coat pocket. Summer time in Seattle is still cold and windy at times; today was one of those days.

"Well, you'll call him before we go, promise," he eyed me suspiciously and I nodded my head.

Wednesday night rolled around and I decided on a whim to call him. I didn't think about what I was going to say or what he might say…I just did it.

No answer, which actually didn't surprise me.

I started to write out a text message and I told myself it wouldn't be a long one, but what came out was three whole messages.

I sent them and waited for a response. I waited and waited and got nothing. Almost an hour and still nothing, until finally my phone vibrated and I jumped almost to the ceiling.

See you Friday night.-E

A small smile crept onto my face and I handled my phone with care. I wanted to hug it and hold it close to me but I refrained from feeling like a crazy person, sitting in the diner by myself.

I was waiting for Alice, Jasper, Rose and Emmett to meet me here. Something we do every Wednesday night so we don't lose track of each other. Especially Rose, who is now five months pregnant.

She's showing and it's really sweet how Emmett treats her.

Alice and Jasper arrived first and took their seats across from me. "Hi Bella, how was your day?" Alice asked in her whimsical voice.

"Same old thing," I replied dryly.

"Did you call Edward yet," Jasper asked first thing.

"God Jasper, are you like the match maker or something?" I seethed; half teasing.

"No, but I can see how much you both want to talk and at least give it a try, I want you both to be happy. I've never seen Edward truly happy so that's something I can't wait to witness," he chuckled.

"Fuck you Jasper," I half joked, but I was serious too.

"Oh, you'll both be thanking me, just wait."

Rose and Emmett entered the diner and they were two people that no one could miss. Emmett's booming laugh carried through the rooms of tables and people and Rose's followed right behind. They were always laughing and having a good time. They were also always looking at each other like one couldn't live without the other. It was sickly sweet to say the least, or maybe it just seemed that way to empty, lonely people like me..

Friday came and on our drive down to Portland, which we road in Jasper's Avalanche because it was comfortable for the four hour ride; I got a message from Edward.

Are we still on for tonight?-E

I'd been sure since I told him but now that we were on our way my stomach started to do flips. Or maybe it was car sickness; I couldn't be sure.

Yes, of course, we're on our way now. Jazz says we should be there in an hour and a half. Have you decided where you want to eat?-B

I was hoping you would choose, I'm not sure what you like now-a-days so I didn't decide on anything.-E

Wherever you want to go is fine by me, I'm not so picky anymore, I'll try anything at least once.-B

I'll have a place picked out before you get here. Did Jasper decide on staying at my place or getting a hotel?-E

My head snapped up from my phone and I leaned forward between Alice and Jasper. "You never mentioned we were staying at Edwards; why would you keep that from me?" I shot a look at him.

"Whoa, who said we were staying at Edward's, I never decided on that?"

"Edward just asked if you decided on a hotel or his place."

"So you're texting Edward," Alice's tone was contemplative, "I was wondering," she added under her breath.

"That isn't the issue right now, are you staying at Edward's or not?" I pushed.

"What do you want to do?" he asked me.

"I want to stay in a hotel; I'm not staying at his place. I don't even want to see his place." I tried to imagine being in his house, seeing his personal belongings and standing in his bedroom. I couldn't and I shook it out of my head. That would only feed fuel to my already too vivid dreams.

"Okay, calm down drama queen," he laughed at his insult and I seethed quietly in the back seat the rest of the way to Portland. I never answered Edward's question but I thought about it until we pulled into the Marriott Hotel, which apparently was only four blocks from Edward's apartment.

I checked in and Alice and Jasper decided they would stay at Edward's place to keep him company for the couple of days we would be here. I didn't complain; it wasn't like we'd be sharing a room anyway.

I had just sat my stuff down on the bed when my phone vibrated.

When should I pick you up?-E

Whenever you're ready.-B

I hopped in the shower to rinse off and freshen up before going to whatever fancy restaurant he had decided on. I had my towel wrapped around me and my hair tied up in another when the phone rang to my room.

I stumbled out the door and grabbed the phone mid ring, "Hello."
"Bella, why aren't you answering Edward's texts? Please DON'T tell me you changed your mind?" Alice said on the other end.

"No, I was just in the shower, I'll check my phone."

"Okay, you better," she replied. "He's having a panic attack as we speak," she informed me.

"I have to get off the phone to reply Alice." We said goodbye, I found my phone and I looked over the messages.

I'm ready now…is now okay?-E

I take that as a no then?-E

If you changed your mind, I understand. I'm nervous too. This is big, for both of us and I won't begrudge you your right to change your mind. But I really hope you didn't.-E

I smiled at his sweetness and his way of understanding and replied.

I was ready to go and Edward was waiting downstairs in the lobby. I double checked myself in the mirror, and then headed out the door. The elevator music just made me more nervous and when I stepped out the doors I spotted him right away.

He wasn't facing me but I knew it was him, that feeling came over me and it seemed to be directed towards or from him. I never did understand that, what it could mean, but I let it pull me toward him.

He was leaning smoothly against a pillar, his hands in his pockets and he was looking away from the counter beside him. A really nice looking girl that stood behind the counter was ogling him. I think I even saw her lick her lips.

She tapped the girl next to her and brought Edward to her attention. She looked at him the same way and I quickened my pace. I tapped him on the shoulder and he spun around so fast he almost fell down the flight of stairs that were preceding him.

"Oh shit," he balanced himself and smiled at me when our eyes met. "Sorry, you caught me off guard."

"It's okay, you ready?" I was ready to get out of here; to not give the girls behind the counter the pleasure any longer.

"Yeah, after you."

He waved his hand in front of him and I started descending the stairs.

EPOV

I started to panic when Bella didn't respond to my third text. I really hope she didn't change her mind. I didn't care that Jasper and Alice were witnessing my outburst, they knew our past so what was the point in hiding my feelings?

45 minutes had passed and still nothing, I was sure I wasn't going to hear from her at all.

My hopes were dashed along with the light feeling I have had since Alice and Jasper arrived; confirming she was in the city.

When my phone vibrated, a shiver ran through me and my hands started to shake. I navigated to the message I'd received and read Bella's name out loud in a whisper.

I haven't changed my mind, I would never do that to you twice and I've already done it once so…I'm ready when you are.-B

My heart practically leapt out of my throat it was pounding so fast. I threw my coat on over my grey button up and dashed towards the door.

"Did she message you?" Alice asked as I fled past the living room. I didn't stop to answer her I just yelled I'd be back and sprinted down the hall to the elevator.

Now is good, I'm heading out. Should I message you when I get there?-E

I sprinted from the elevator, squeezing through the doors as they opened. "Have a good night Mr. Cullen," James, the security guard said when I passed by him.

"Yeah, I will, thanks." I ran through the double doors that lead out to the street and found my car sitting right out front where I'd left it. I knew exactly where the Marriott was; I'd been there many times before for reasons I don't want to think about.

I sent her a text when I pulled up to the front of the hotel. I got out and told the valet I'd be right back and he nodded his head to me. I stood against a pole close to the front desk and the women there kept staring at me. They must remember seeing me here, but that was so long ago. Over 8 months it's been since I escorted a woman. Since finding out Bella is Alice and Rosalie's adopted sister, since I saw her standing in front of me like I thought I never would. I couldn't see women as I used to. They still mean nothing to me—as arrogant as that sounds—but they don't hold anything of value like they used to. No longer are women posed as sex symbols in my eyes, Bella has forever changed my vision of the world.

There was only her.

I suddenly felt that strange feeling that came over me a few times when we lived in California and then again when we were at my parents at Christmas, before she left I was contemplating what that could be and starting to realize it must have something to do with her A physiological jolt to my system when she is anywhere near me, I had been trying to act unaware of the audience I had when I was tapped on the shoulder. It startled me from my concentration and I turned to see Bella but tripped on my own foot; almost falling down the flight of stairs.

I spit out a profanity before I caught myself and smiled ludicrously up at her entrancing brown eyes. She seemed uncomfortable by the watching eyes and we left with a quick and breathless exit. My car was waiting for us and the valet held the door open for her. I saw him look her over and it shot a wave of jealousy through me. Why would I be jealous? I hardly know her anymore.

She kept silent as I drove to the restaurant and I was starting to wonder if she was going to talk at all. I saw her look over at me but I kept my eyes on the road ahead. She was examining me. "Where are we going?" She asked after a moment.

"We're going to Salty's. I hope you still like sea food?" I remembered she loved shrimp, so hopefully she still does.

She cracked a smile before ducking her head and hiding her face behind her long mahogany hair. "Yeah, I can't believe you remember that." She didn't look at me; she continued to look down at her lap.

I shrugged my shoulders and said, for the second time in her presence, "Some things are unforgettable."

Salty's Restaurant is located right on the Columbia River. It was a nice night and I reserved a table on the balcony. It would be private and hopefully we could talk about what happened.

"We're here," I informed her when the restaurant came into view. We sat directly out over the water at the furthest table from anyone else. I had them move it even further so Bella would be comfortable to talk.

"So, I've never had a woman buy me dinner; this is a first," I chuckled trying to start the conversation.

"I have never paid for dinner for a man, so this is a first for me too." She smiled sweetly but didn't take her eyes off the menu.

"I'm sure you're used to guys buying you dinner," this time I didn't look away from the menu.

"No, not really, Mike was the only guy to ever buy me dinner. Unless you count Jasper and Emmett: They've bought me dinner a few times." I looked up at her to judge her expression…was she serious?

Yes, she was. Her lips were pierced in a small line and she was concentrating intently on the menu choices in her hands. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, go for it." Still not looking at me.

"Are you still with Mike?"

She peeked up at me quickly, her gaze not lingering long. "No, not since after Christmas."

I exhaled the air I didn't realize I was holding until I heard her answer. "Can I ask another?" I chanced.

"Yeah, that's kind of what we're here for isn't it?" She fully looked at me and her eyes seemed to pierce right through me.

"Yeah, I suppose". "Have you…had many…boyfriends over the years?" I felt it wrong of me to ask but I couldn't stop myself. I needed and wanted to know.

"Well, I didn't expect that one," she mocked. "No…Mike was the only one."

"Really?" I couldn't hide the excitement in my tone but I attempted to cover it up anyways. "How did you manage that? I'm sure there were plenty of guys trying to win your affection."

"Yeah- no," she replied, "Guys usually tend to shy away from me because of my behavior. I'm not outgoing, I'm not really funny and I'm not experienced. What guy would want that?"

She actually believed everything she said; that was funny.

"That's only because you haven't found the right guy."

"Oh, and you're the right guy?" she shot the question at me like a dagger.

"No, I wasn't saying that," though to be honest I would like to see if I am.

The waiter came to our table then, "Good evening, have you decided on your order?" he asked.

"Yes," Bella spoke first, "I would like the shrimp dish with ketchup." She handed him the menu and her gaze fell to mine in a reproachful manner.

"And for you?" he asked.

I didn't look away from Bella's stare, "I'll take the same," and handed him my menu.

"Anything to drink?"
"I'll take a coke."

"Make that two," I said before he left. "So, you're still a ketchup junkie huh?" I asked Bella.

"And so are you," she pointed out.

"And so am I." I fiddled with my napkin, something I forgot I did when I get nervous. I always had to have something in my hands to keep me occupied. Usually, it was a paper clip in my pocket but I didn't come prepared for that. I'd forgotten all about it because I haven't been nervous in years. That was something I did when I was a kid.

We didn't speak, I continued to look down at my lap and Bella was quiet and contemplative. I wanted, so bad, to know what she was thinking. Was she happy to be here or did she feel that she was being forced by my family and hers?

I peeked up at her and she was looking out to the river; Washington was right on the other side. The wind was gusty and you could see and hear the waves splashing beneath us. It was easy to just be with Bella; no conversation, no need to impress—well maybe a little. It wasn't hard to be with her though, it came so naturally.

Our food was brought out to us and we had light conversation while we ate. Bella had a pile of ketchup on her plate that mirrored my own and it made me think of all the other things we had in common.

Before my mind could wander too far, she spoke. "What are you doing after this?" Her eyes bore into mine with an intensity that almost knocked me out of my seat. I was stunned speechless by the beauty held deep within her, the brown abyss so mesmerizing.

I had to cough out my answer, "Um, I don't know. Going home I guess."

"Well," her eyes diverted from mine as she continued to talk, "I was thinking, since we haven't really had a chance to talk about things," she took a deep breath. "Maybe we could go somewhere quiet." She still held her eyes on her plate, her fork poking at the food that remained.

"Sure, we can go to another spot along the river." The river was calming to me and it wasn't cold tonight; might as well take advantage of the moment.

I knew exactly where we would go, a few places actually. Three spots in Vancouver; Wintler Park which is a swimming spot, but it's on the river. The docks at the Double Tree hotel. There's a bench that looks out at the river there, and a dock that is open to the public. The third was Lower River Road. There were many spots along there but one in particular was Fisherman's Barge. A lot of barges float down the Columbia, many holding new cars delivered form their manufacturers. It was also right next to the Vancouver Wild Life Rescue.

Awh, do you love it? I love it when they are together, even if it is awkward and not the greatest of times. This doesn't mean everything is fine and dandy though. It also doesn't mean they aren't either, does that make sense? Like things aren't terrible but they aren't great.

So I was thinking I could do like a double post this weekend, like post on now and on Sunday. What say you? Should I do it or not. I mean I can wait until Wednesday if y'all want me to but that's up to you. I think the next chappy is talking about the past and then strictly fun so that should be a nice change of pace. There is deffinitely more angst to be had but things are getting not so hard for Bella, you'll see.

You guys are so awesome with your reviews, I just can't thank you enough. I hope you aren't mad at me for not responding to some of you but it is so hard to do it with the little amount of time I have for writing. I would much rather write so I can get the chapters out and I'm sure you would much rather that too.

Thank you to Scrimmy....you rock as always!!!! Thank you so much for helping me with this story.

Hello to the new readers...I know in the beginning it says I will post every Wednesday and Saturday but I kind of jump around a bit. Twice a week for sure though.

Please leave me sum luv....lil' button just below

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