A/N: This has been hovering around for weeks, you may not like it but you might.
...
Big Time Rush.
Clip On Stranger.
Forgiveness.
James.
"Boys, please. Kendall isn't coming home." Mama Knight tried to tell us. She had never stopped telling us Kendall was gone. We didn't want to believe it.
"Stop acting like he's dead!" Katie exclaimed tearfully. "He'll be back. He promised. Kendall never breaks his promises."
He had promised us, vowed that he'd be back once his head was on straight but he had already been at the airport by then.
"I'll come back, Jamie. I just need a little time. Can you give me that?"
I could never deny him anything even if it broke my heart to give it to him. How badly had he been hurting for him to think leaving was the only way to cope? But after what he did I can't find it in myself to be surprised. He really did mess up big time.
"Sweetie, it's been over a month. Don't you think he'd have come back by now if he was going too?"
"NO!" Logan cried, peering up at us with red rimmed eyes. "Don't write Kendall off! He has to come back to us. We're his family!"
I gathered the tiny genius against my side and knew I was a poor replacement for Kendall.
"This is all your fault!" Katie hissed, fixing a burning angry glare on her mother. "You made him run away!"
Mama Knight gave a tiny whimper and pressed her hands to her eyes. "I know."
"If you walk out that door don't come back!"
"You don't mean that, mum."
"Yes I do! If you walk out then you're not welcome here anymore."
She didn't mean it. I knew it even as she said it. I thought Kendall would see it too and come back. But he never did. At least not while we were awake. That night he crept back into the apartment and packed his clothes away, everything that was him was gone. Come morning, I knew I had fallen into a nightmare that I could never awake from.
"All you had to do was listen. Kendall made a mistake! You always told us it was okay to make them."
"This wasn't some little error of judgement, Katie. It was a colossal path of destruction! Kendall knew exactly what he was doing and he knew it was wrong."
"He came to us for help!" Carlos snapped suddenly. "Of course he knew! He just didn't know it would be thrown back in his face like that!"
He looked terrible, pale and angry and nothing like the happy boy he had been only a few weeks before. None of us slept anymore, my phone was permanently at my side. Logan always set an extra place at the table in Kendall's spot, his bed sheets were washed every week because we all had the same hope. That Kendall would shake of his demons, his deceit and his lies and come home again. Be our brother again. Just how he was supposed to be.
"He could have killed you all." Mama Knight defended herself quietly.
"NO!" I cried. "He wouldn't have! That's why he stopped driving that night and called you."
"He was high." She whispered, like she had spilled some dirty secret. "And drunk."
"We all were!" Logan spat. "But you only yelled at him! He was probably the one nearest to sober!"
"He'd been in a fight."
"Protecting us. Why can't you understand that? Kendall's actions that night were wrong but he saved us. He didn't drive and refused to let us."
I knew she hadn't been able to see past the blood on Kendall's face and his intoxication. In her eyes, he had failed her in one night and she hadn't coped. But neither had Kendall coped with the disgust he felt. She hadn't realised that none of us really had a clue what was going on, only that we were wrong. But I had so badly wanted to go to that party, even though I knew what could happen. But I had no idea it would end up with Kendall's messy fall from grace.
"But he should never have taken you there. You're such nice boys."
"I would have gone anyway." I rebelled. Logan and Carlos nodded beside me; Katie's eyes were grim with understanding. "Kendall wouldn't have been able to stop us. You disowned him. He could be dead for all we know."
"Why didn't you just listen, mum?"
...
The apartment is to quiet now that Kendall had fled. Sometimes, I forget he's gone and I start to call out for him until my head catches up with me and I remember. Logan sends me pitying glances that really just reflect my feelings and tries to pretend he understands. I try to ignore the empty bed in the bedroom. I don't want to know that we all spend time sobbing into the pillows and trying to recapture his scent on the linen. I want to pretend that this is all a dream and Kendall will be there when I open my eyes. I miss him. I never imagined a life without Kendall in it, his confidence or stinging wit that could always make me laugh. He was my voice of reason and I'm lost without him. Carlos doesn't know how to function anymore, he doesn't smile instead he creeps around like a shadow. Logan got lost in his books and numbers days ago and I can't reach him there. He's anxious and frightened all the time. Katie's an explosion waiting to happen. She's so angry, at her mother, me, Kendall, the world. I don't think I'll be able to stop her melt down. Mama Knight is a strange cocktail of anger, sorrow and guilt. She regrets what she did and misses Kendall but she's too proud to back down completely. She thinks I don't know she spends hours crying into a beanie he left behind.
And me.
I'm floating. Disconnected and spiralling. A deep black hole is waiting to swallow me up. I can't find him. I don't know where to look. He could be hurt. Be dead and gone.
It's not fair!
We all did wrong. None of us were perfect.
I want him back.
...
"I hit him." Mama Knight's fragile voice stops me breathing. She looked up at me and I knew she had seen the horror in my eyes. "I hit him."
"Why?"
"H-He was still intoxicated and kept trying to hug me but he smelt like his father and I got scared. I didn't mean it."
My heart dropped passed my shoes and melted into the floorboards. Of course I knew about the phantom father that made an appearance in Kendall's nightmares. To be compared to a man like that must have shattered Kendall to pieces.
"It was an accident."
"I hit my baby! My son." She buried her face in her trembling hands. "I'm a terrible mother."
"You did WHAT!?"
I jumped and span around but already knew who the enraged voice belonged to. I had never seen Katie so still, her eyes wide and full of anger. Logan and Carlos hovered behind her and they looked murderous as well. I couldn't think passed my unsteady beating heart.
"Katie...sweetie." Mama Knight began.
"How could you? After what dad did to him! You hurt him!" She screamed.
"I got scared."
"You think Kendall meant to scare you? Nothing excuses you doing that. I can't deal with this, I'm going for a walk." But she paused before the front door and barely glanced over her shoulder at us. "I hate you. ALL of you."
Then she was gone. And the world shattered a little more. Mama Knight wept openly, Logan looked about ready to hyperventilate and Carlos couldn't tear his eyes away from the ground. And I didn't know what to do.
...
"Maybe this will work." Logan suggested. He clutched a battered notebook against his chest, his face hopeful and too pale. "It's Kendall's address book. He took his phone with him but I bet Jo's number is in here. He still talks to her so maybe she knows where he is."
"It's worth a try." I shrugged but I was clinging to the small spark of hope it brought.
Logan flipped through the pages and we all grew more desperate with every moment that passed. Finally he cheered and grabbed the nearest phone to him.
"Hello Jo? This is Logan Mitchell...things are fine...listen, have you heard from Kendall recently?"
I held my breath and Logan's face dropped. My heart shattered into a thousand unrecoverable pieces.
"You haven't. If you do please call us."
The phone dropped from his hands and fell to the carpet with a dull thud. Logan crashed to his knees beside it and I crawled over to him, pulling him tight against my chest.
"He's not coming home, is he?" Carlos whispered.
I tugged him toward my side. "I just don't know."
...
Jo.
"Hello Jo? This is Logan Mitchell."
My heart stopped. I had known this was coming.
"Logan, hi. How is everything?"
"Things are fine." He couldn't mask his lie. "Listen, have you heard from Kendall recently?"
I squeezed my eyes shut and forced my own lie from between my teeth. "No, I haven't."
"You haven't." He repeated dully. "If you do please call us."
"I will. I promise."
I hung up and lowered it back down to the cradle. When did my love for Kendall turn me into a liar? There was no denying the grief and heartache I had heard in Logan's voice. They must all be hurting so badly and I was making it worse by not talking.
I took a deep breath and turned to face the golden haired boy hiding on my balcony. His hair glowed in the early morning sunlight and flopped over his eyes that had been clouded with pain. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his bare waist, enjoying the feel of his naked torso in my hold. The sunlight was just warm enough for him to dress only in his tatty jeans and walk bare footed around. His plaid shirt helped me fend off the morning chill and I wouldn't have surrendered it for anything.
"You're turning me into a lair, Kendall." I scolded quietly.
Kendall sighed loudly and bowed his head low. He wouldn't tell me why he was out here with me. I couldn't help him when he woke up screaming from nightmares about a man. He wasn't my Kendall anymore. Just an empty shell.
"Big Time Rush was on the phone?"
"Logan. He sounded upset. You didn't tell me you ran away."
Kendall reached around his head and played with a strand of hair that escaped from behind my ear.
"You make it sound so childish, Jo. I couldn't stay there. I messed up."
"That doesn't mean you can't make things right."
He broke away from me and stalked into the bedroom. I followed after him and watched as he raked his hands through his hair and kicked out at the bed.
"I can't make this right. My own mother is scared of me. My friends probably hate me. I'm a waste of space."
I prowled forward and seized his wrist and made him look up at me. His eyes were so venerable, open and frightened. My fingertips brushed along his cheek and down his jaw line. He pressed a kiss to my palm and tried to smile for me.
"You could never be a waste of space, Kendall. Tell me what happened."
"I got drunk."
"Happens to the best of us."
"I...used cannabis."
My hands froze against his face. "Drugs? Kendall what were you thinking?"
"I wasn't thinking! But it was just the once and really what harm could it do. Then I wanted more and I got scared. I tried to tell mum but she freaked out and kicked me out of the apartment."
"Oh."
Kendall laughed bitterly "Yeah, oh. Still think I'm not a waste of space?"
"You're not still using?"
Kendall shook his head. "I swear it was just the once."
"Good."
Something shifted in Kendall's eyes, an anger that was legendary and frightening he turned on himself. Kendall lost control. He threw himself away from me and crashed his fist into the wall with enough force the floor shook. He roared and snatched his hand back to his chest and thought I hadn't seen the blood. He rampaged out of the bedroom and I was to slow to stop a glass from being hurdled across the living room.
"Kendall!" I gasped.
"I'm such a screw up!" He screamed and punched out at another wall.
"Kendie, please."
He swung burning emerald eyes to me and nearly pinned me against the wall with their intensity.
"Why do you bother with me?"
"Because I love you."
"You can't love me. Look at you, you're perfect and I'm fucked in the head."
Blood dripped freely from his hand, staining my cream carpet crimson but he didn't seem to notice. Standing in front of my with all his defences down, he was raw edges and gaping wounds. The skin underneath his eyes was dark purple and his face was two shades too pale. He trembled and his eyes were flooded with tears he thought he shouldn't shed.
"I love you." I repeated softly and he crumbled.
I rushed forward to catch him before I could lose him and he fell into my arms already shaking with his tears. I held him tight to me and prayed I could take away his hurt.
"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I am so sorry. Please don't hate me."
"I don't hate you but I don't think I'm the one you should be apologising to."
"How can I go back after what I did? You didn't see their faces."
"You made a mistake, Kendall. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human."
"I don't want to be like him." He confessed.
"Like who?"
"My dad."
I wanted to pretend I had no idea what he alluded to but the fear and hatred in his voice made me understand more than I wanted to. I hugged him tighter to me and pushed my face into his shoulder.
"You don't have to be anyone you don't want to be. You choose how to live your life, not him."
"You really believe that?"
"I do. Are you ready to go back?"
He pulled away from me and pressed his lips against mine briefly.
"I love you so much, baby. And yes, I think I am."
...
James.
The hours are melding together. Day and night. Light and shadow. They're all the same. Were they always like this?
I miss him.
I miss me before he left. The me that could laugh and get hysterical over a stray hair or a stain on my shirt. I can't be that person anymore, I'm fairly sure he left with Kendall.
A dull thud from the kitchen had me reaching for my hockey stick and easing out of the door. I had a family to protect, it didn't matter how damaged it was, there was still a part of it here. Nothing would make them away from me. I peered over the swirly slide and glanced down into the apartment below. All the lights were on and for a moment I couldn't see anyone there. Then I glanced toward the door and the world spun on its axis. I would have recognised Kendall anywhere, even in the shadows he was hiding in. It was heart cripplingly obvious he hadn't decided if he was going to stay or leave again. His hand was curled around the door knob. I could have let him leave and lie to everyone tomorrow and give in to the anger in my heart. Or I could shelter my hurting brother, the one who had found the strength to come back and stop him vanishing again.
"Don't go." I called out, my voice so quiet and lost.
Kendall jerked away from the door and found my eyes in a heartbeat. He didn't look any different, I had expected him too. His hair was a little longer and his eyes a little darker but I was sure I could find him in them again.
"Jamie." He breathed.
"We can work this out, Kenny." I tried.
Slowly, his hand pulled away and he stepped out of the darkness. I tore down the swirly slide and was hurtling toward him before either of us could really comprehend it. But the anger that simmered below the surface hadn't truly left me and I let my fist collide with his cheek. He cried out and crashed to the floor.
"You didn't have to go!" I growled. "You could have stayed."
"I couldn't have! My own mother was frightened by me and I couldn't trust myself."
"You should have come to us!"
"I tried! It got me kicked out."
His eyes shimmered and I swooped down on him, gathering him tight against me and refusing to let go even when he struggled and protested.
"I missed you, you stupid idiot." I mumbled against his neck.
"I'm sorry. I missed you too."
"I've told you this before; it's not the same when you're not here. Everybody's crazy."
"I'll try to remember that."
Suddenly I could hear soft cries and sniffs and for a moment I thought Kendall was crying. But then I looked up and spotted Carlos, Logan and Katie huddled by the table. I smiled at them, it was burning bright and happy because despite everything, I could see a light and hope. Katie darted forward and threw herself onto Kendall's back. He stiffened in surprise and reached one hand back to touch the small head against his own.
"Baby sister?"
"Where did you go, big brother?"
"To visit and old friend. I'm sorry if I made you sad." He looked up at his other band mates. "I'm sorry."
"Shit happens." Carlos shrugged.
"Yeah, no biggie." Logan agreed.
Kendall sighed and shifted Katie around until he was cradling her against his chest lovingly. He turned guilty, hurt eyes to us and bit down on his lower lip.
"It is big. I messed up badly and I'll be sorry forever." He started.
I could see the guilt eating him alive, feasting on his insides and I had to stop it devouring him.
"You didn't hurt any of us Kendall. Well...we could have done without you running away but we understand. You saved us. At that party, you made sure we were safe and took the fallout from it."
Logan nodded. "Looks like we owe you again, buddy."
"You owe me nothing. Not a failure like me."
He pulled away from us again and headed with his head bowed toward his vacant bed. His body may have come back to us but his mind hadn't. He wasn't complete and our words couldn't help him.
"I am sorry. "He confessed "I left so I wouldn't become someone I'm not but I think I became him anyway."
"I was wrong, baby." Mama Knight's gentle voice cut through us.
We all froze, none of us had heard her appear in the bedroom doorway. Kendall seemed to stop breathing and he didn't look at her.
"What?" He whispered.
"I was wrong. You are nothing like your father. So, you got it wrong, it happens. I'm sorry baby."
He finally turned to his mother with hope in his jade eyes and tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Mama?"
"I'm here, Kendall."
Kendall broke down, his chest heaving underneath his sobs and his body curled in on itself. Mama Knight rushed toward her sobbing son and shushed him softly.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He chanted.
"You're forgiven. I'm sorry I hit you."
"I deserved it."
She swatted the back of his head lightly. "No you didn't."
"Are you staying Kendie?" Logan asked.
Kendall nodded softly. "Yeah."
Neither Knight objected when we embraced them softly and kept our blonde heart beating.