After that day Kíliel made a habit of visiting her grandfather almost every afternoon between her lessons. She would not say it out loud, but she could not know for certain how long he had left and every moment spent with him was a blessing.
They would talk and laugh while she played the harp. It took her some time to get used to the bigger format, but after a few sessions she could play almost as smoothly as on the little one. Thorin said it was all in her hands, and as long as she didn't try to think about it too much, her hands would know what to do.
Beside the increasing of her lessons with Tauriel, slow days with the Council and the hours in classrooms with the other children, these were the happiest days of her life.
After Thorin had revealed the truth to her she had spent a few months considering it and what it meant for her life and future. Of this she spent a particular amount of time thinking of Thekk, reconsidering every thought she had ever had of him. Sometimes it angered her that they had kept it a secret from her, for how might her life have been different if they had not. Would she have bothered with Thekk? Would she have gotten to know him at all? It sometimes felt like she was awoken from a dream where everyone had controlled her and suddenly she could move her arms and legs without everyone else pulling the strings, and it scared her.
But she was never angry for long, and over time she came to forgive all her family, leaving all the blame on the Council and all its interference in her life. She vowed to never let anyone steer her life again other than herself, unless she allowed anyone to do so. And silently she dreamed of creating a new Council with dwarves she trusted. But she saved that last idea for the future, when she was Queen and in charge.
Right now she was just a young princess of 44 years, a princess maturing and growing from one moon to the next, and thus a princess in great pain.
Kíliel groaned as she lay half-naked on her belly on the cold, stone floor with her hands pressing on her lower abdomen. Nalí, her dry-nurse, trotted around her, flabbergasted as to what to do about the young princess.
«May Mahal cease his hammering. I do not know what I've done to deserve such torment!» Kíliel cried exaggeratedly with her forehead pressed to the floor. The cold of the stone was soothing and seemed the only thing to help her through the pain.
«Oh, it cannot be so bad. Get up so that I can take a look at you,» Nalí spoke calmly, her hands on her hips as she stood over the whimpering girl.
Kíliel turned her head and sent the nurse a look of scorching fire. «No! You do not know what it's like…,» she stubbornly rolled over on her back and hissed, her hands grasping her stomach. «It feels like an anvil is pressing on me, with someone beating a great hammer on top!» She made a grimace and whimpered again.
«Do you feel pain anywhere else?» Nalí said patiently, waiting for Kíliel to give up her tantrum and communicate properly as to give her an idea how to treat it.
Kíliel calmed down, tried to breathe deeply while she worked through the pain. As some of the intense pressure eased she could feel through her body.
«My head aches… and my breasts are very sore too,» Kíliel muttered and then groaned. She knew what it meant. Nalí said it before she could.
«Then you will bleed soon, I shall think,» the dry-nurse had a look of compassion as she studied Kíliel where she lay. «I will make you a cup of Chasteberry-tea, and then I'm sure you'll feel better right away, lass.»
«Can you not bring me cake instead?» Kíliel whined, and sobbed again as a new wave of pain ripped through her.
«You cannot have cake for breakfast, Kíliel. You are not sick!» Nalí spoke strictly, sending the girl a scolding look, and left the chamber with swift steps.
«If this is well, then I would rather be sick,» Kíliel muttered bitterly when the dry-nurse had left the chamber. She rolled back onto her side and curled into a ball. The waves of aching cramps made her want to scream as loud as she could, to rip and claw at her insides, but all she could was lie completely still. She would rather face a hundred orcs naked and without weapons, than endure this torment.
Ever so often would she go through this pain. It was appearing inconsistently, with a few moons' time. Tauriel was convinced it would even out and appear more rarely as she grew into her mature state. Nalí thought it was just the way because of her mixed heritage, that the pains would perhaps cease with childbirth. Kíliel would only groan at their speculations.
As she had heard from both her grandmother and her mother, this was what labour felt like, and she vowed to never bear children. What women in their right mind would choose this torment, choose to inflict such searing pain upon their bodies? She could not fathom it.
When she thought of the suffering and sacrifice of women she was always angered, for it was not fair. Even as women in Erebor were not bound to a service of men in marriage, if that did not fit them, it still angered her that it was expected of her. Even as princess it was as if she did not have the same rights as any other woman of Erebor, and the men all tried to control her. She would not let them. If it was the last she did, she would not be controlled by men and their fear of her power.
Kíliel staggered to her feet with a groan. Now her head was boiling with anger and the pain was all but drowned out from the ferocious thoughts. She was naked but for the night-tunic she wore, and she quickly dressed, her movements rough, as she simply needed to get out of there. She could not take the scrutinising looks of Nalí or the concern of her mother any more. She needed a distraction from her real life and the pain.
As she stamped out of the chamber, Tauriel passed her in the door.
«Kíliel, I did not see you for breakfast, I… Where are you going?» Her mother grabbed her collar, and Kíliel groaned annoyed. She brushed her mother's hand off of her and snorted.
«That's where I'm going now,» Kíliel rolled her eyes and walked away.
«Come straight home after, remember you have lessons today,» Tauriel called after her daughter with a perplexed expression on her face. She had noticed the change in Kíliel, especially in her attitude and temper. She sighed it off as a side-effect of all the changes in her body, and went on to ready the chamber for her daughter's schooling later that afternoon.
—
Kíliel stomped through the Mountain, with the ripples of pain consistently torturing her lower abdomen. It was a wonderful day outside, and throughout the corridors beams of sunlight shone bright and filled the halls with warm, yellow light. Kíliel felt only her frustration, as the light hurt her eyes, and she wished the weather would more closely resemble her feelings of utter despair and hopelessness. She could not bear any pleasantries before she had gotten something to eat.
Of those reasons she avoided the most crowded places this morning, staying away from the Market- and Dining-hall as she sneaked down towards the kitchens. The only food she was hungering for was the sweet kind, and she would go and see if the cooks had any spare-cake for her.
—
«Don't tell anyone you got it from me, 'ay lass?» Ganin, one of the cooks' apprentices, whispered to her as he handed her a pouch with smuggled honey-bread and fruit-cake. Kíliel gave her sweetest smile and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, before she turned around and ran quickly over the little hall behind the kitchen. She hid in safety behind a few big barrels beside the storage across the hall.
Though she was hardly as small as she used to be a few years earlier, she still loved to find places to hide away from the world when she felt overwhelmed or frustrated. A few moments of solitude did her wonders, which was ever hard to get in her chambers, where her family trotted in and out all day.
«Is it true the future Queen of Erebor hides behind barrels to eat cake when everyone else are eating porridge for breakfast? Indeed, her rule will be one of terror!» Thekk shook his head in acted disbelief. Kíliel jumped and inhaled a piece of the honey-bread she ate, because she had not heard him coming. She coughed heavily and it took Thekk only a moment to realise his mistake. Awkwardly he hit her back while she coughed the crumb from her lunge.
«And she will surely have you executed after the attack on her life,» Kíliel spoke wheezingly under her breath, trying to breathe normally after having coughed so hard. She looked at him with exasperation, pursing her lips and raising her eyebrow at him.
«Yeah,» Thekk rubbed his head in regret as he slid down beside her. «Sorry about that. Maybe you should let me eat the rest, just in case it happens again,» Thekk grinned widely now, and leaning closer to her he bit in the air close to the hand she held the cake with. «It could be poison, 'ya know?»
«Have it then,» Kíliel said and rolled her eyes at his actual drooling over the cake. It seemed as though he had not eaten in months, and she knew that was not true as she had caught a glimpse of him just the day before stuffing his face with cooked pork at dinner. Now he took the cake and ate the whole thing in one piece, his mouth full with a silly smile of bliss on his face. She chuckled of his ridiculousness.
«Wha'cha up to then, Kíliel?» Thekk mumbled, his mouth still full of cake. His eyes were big and brown as he looked at her with the gaze she could not resist.
Kíliel groaned and leaned back against the barrels. She would say nothing about her condition, yet she always liked talking to him. «I am just frustrated with my family. My mother is really pushing me with my schooling and I am growing tired of it. It's not like I will ever have any use of knowing Sindarin,» She put up a huffy expression and eyed him sideways. «When I decided to learn more Sindarin I did not think it would be so boring... Besides, I have never left this bloody mountain; what use is a queen who knows nothing of the world?»
«Alright then,» Thekk suddenly jumped to his feet and dragged her up as well. «I know what you need.»
«What?!» Kíliel exclaimed, seeing his mischievous eyes gleam in anticipation, and she knew it could mean nothing good.
Thekk looked at her for a moment, his smile crooked, as he leaned in and whispered in her ear: «We are going on an adventure!» And then he dragged her after him out into the hall and up through the mountain.
—
«Thekk, what are you doing?!» Kíliel hissed while hiding behind a cart as as the boy sneaked over the open hall in front of the chamber of the Guards, to where a few ponies were fastened to a pole. Kíliel looked around the cart to see two guards talking on the other side of the hall with their backs to them, expecting them to turn around and catch them at any moment. The princess looked back to Thekk with frustrated eyes at his recklessness. He simply grinned at her, as if he had no worry in the world and that what he was doing was not breaking any laws at all.
Thekk reached the horses and placed a soft hand over one's nose to keep it quiet, then untied it and silently walked it back to where Kíliel was hiding. As they sneaked around the corner and entered the grand Entry hall they simply walked as if it was no strange thing to see the future King and Queen follow a pony out of the Mountain. No one stopped them as they crossed the columns and bridge that lead out into the open air.
At the edge of the bridge Kíliel stopped. She had truly never left the Kingdom before, and suddenly she felt a knot in her stomach tighten, and she turned back for a second, watching the statue of Thorin that had been erected at the top of the grand archway shortly after the Battle of the Five Armies was won. She had a strange feeling in her chest, like it was wrong of her to leave the mountain on this day. It was not the pain of her bleeding, it was something else, and it felt like a hand held her in place for a brief moment, forbidding her to go on.
When he noticed she wasn't following, Thekk halted the pony and turned to Kíliel. His expression was wondering as he spoke: «What's the matter? Aren't cha' comin', Kíliel?»
Looking at the statue a single moment more, she then turned to Thekk, shrugging and laughing. «Of course I am, you won't get rid of me so easily!»
She spoke like nothing in the world was wrong, and yet it took her every last bit of strength to take that last step off of the bridge, towards Thekk, and away from Erebor.
«Where are we going, anyway?» she eyed him suspiciously. He grinned widely, which only added to her suspicion. It was the same smile her father had whenever he had a secret he knew she would like, but her mother would not.
«You said you had never left the Mountain, so I decided the least I can do is help you.» Thekk still grinned, and as he jumped into the saddle and helped her up behind him, and he shrugged. «And technically Dale is still in the mountain so...»
Kíliel's eyes grew big in surprise and she squealed in excitement before she tightly hugged her arms around Thekk's waist and he urged the pony into a quick gallop down the hillside towards the towers of Dale they could see rising across the plain.
—
When they dismounted, they found themselves in the midst of a busy street in Dale, and Kíliel was speechless. The first thing that baffled her was the humans. They were so much taller than any dwarf she had ever seen, though about the same height as her mother, it was a different thing to stand amongst so many, and for once feel small in a crowd. It was many years since last she had done that, and it brought Kíliel immense joy and excitement. The humans were a wonderful people, so beardless, even the men, and they all came in different shapes and sizes. Thin and thick, big and small, and the children were all skinny and almost as tall as her.
And all the things she wanted to explore! There were some kind of market, with booths and stalls much like the Market hall in Erebor and yet not alike at all. They sold such colourful things, dresses and tunics beautifully designed. In Erebor it was custom to buy the fabrics and sew your own clothes, while here you could buy them finished and in so many beautiful variations and styles. Jewellery and footwear was also on display. It was a wonderful sight, and to be able to see all the merchandise before you decided what to buy brought her feelings unlike any, like watching a feast be brought out before her eyes.
It was late September, and the wind was brisk, but kites played in it for the amusement of the crowd and of the children operating them. It looked like a hard game, and Kíliel dearly wished to try one. And the sun shined, so bright she could barely see without covering her eyes with her hand. It was a sensation unlike any, and the fresh, mountain air was intoxicating, her lungs used to the humid and heavy air of the underground city.
She turned to Thekk and saw his amused expression as he followed after her, his breath heavy as he tried to keep up, and she realised she'd been running back and forth through the market, eyeing everything there was to see. She smiled apologetically.
«I must've forgotten myself,» she said and turned again to watch the kites soar through the sky above them.
«It is a beautiful sight,» Thekk chuckled, and while she watched them he watched her. She met his gaze and furrowed her brows in wonder, but she decided to think nothing of it. There were a thousand things she wanted to see at that moment, so she turned away.
«It's so big and open,» Kíliel marvelled and breathed heavily, «It's so bizarre.»
«Put on your hood, that way we look like normal dwarves,» Thekk suddenly said and raised her hood over her head, leaving her face in the shade. She saw a band of dwarven merchants across the market-place and agreed with his thinking. Truthfully Kíliel did not know what would happen if anyone recognised her, if they would be angry or not, but better not risk it.
When she turned back to Thekk he grinned, and she was secretly relieved that he had returned to himself again, the mischievous boy she called her friend, and not the thoughtful dwarf she barely knew with eyes which spoke a thousand words she could not understand. It confused her too much to even wonder on, so she always simply ignored him when he became like that.
She turned and walked over to another stall where she saw a selection of beautifully carven dolls. They had hair which looked as soft as if it was real and dresses so rich in colour and detail, almost like a small girl had been shrunk down to the size of the dolls by some magic. Never had she ever seen such dolls, for any doll she had ever gotten was made by her father, which she of course held dear, but were of much rougher material than these.
Beside the stall was a woman, tall and beautiful, with long, brown hair and blue eyes. As Kíliel stepped closer, the woman caught her eye and looked for a moment wondering upon her.
«Well, hello there,» the woman smiled courteously as she straightened and gestured towards her dolls. «Can I be of service to you, good folk? My dolls are made of the best material worthy of the honourable dwarves of Erebor or any region. Perhaps a gift?»
As the human looked at them, her expression slowly changed. She smiled curiously and leaned forwards as she looked Kíliel up and down for a moment.
«Now, you are a bit younger than my usual clientele, are you not? And… I have never seen a dwarven girl before…» The woman held Kíliel's eyes intently for a moment as her voice trailed off. «You are a beautiful child, are you not? My dolls seem to wither in your presence, my lady.» The woman straightened and caressed her cheek softly.
Kíliel turned around to see if she was truly speaking to her, her eyes big in surprise. No one had ever had that reaction upon seeing her. Thekk had as curious an expression as she did, though his eyes spoke of distrust and suspicion. As she turned back to the woman her expression must've been a perplexed one, for the human laughed softly.
«I mean no offence, my lady, but whenever I see a beautiful face I must take note, and you have truly that. Though indeed you are the first dwarrow-dame I have ever seen, one does not often see those out and about, so how am I to judge?»
The woman talked as if she had no reservations, and it was indeed refreshing for Kíliel, who felt that every person speaking to her had some kind of agenda with rehearsed politeness as a cover. She realised that this woman was the first she ever met who had no idea who she was. She cocked her head as she considered the implications.
Though it seemed Thekk was not so fond of this woman's openness, as he stepped slightly in front of her, as if to shield her from the human's judging vision. But Kíliel did not care, she was only baffled and pushed Thekk stubbornly out of the way as she took another step towards the woman.
«You find me beautiful?» Kíliel suddenly croaked, her voice hoarse and she had never felt further from beautiful in her life.
The woman seemed taken slightly aback by the question, as if the statement hadn't been straight-forward enough. She placed her hands on her knees and leaned down so she was face to face with Kíliel as she spoke. «You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, you must know that! Had it not been for your height I would have thought you were of the elven-kin. How curious,» the woman spoke the last as if to herself, and never had the words rung any more true or with more importance to Kíliel as in that moment.
Tears sprang to her eyes, and she fought hard for them not to fall. She lowered her head for a moment as she basked in the moment of utter approval and joy this strange woman gave her.
«Kíliel, we should go,» Thekk quickly said, protectively placing a hand on her shoulder and eyeing the woman suspiciously.
«Forgive me, my lady, I speak too freely, my father always said… Kíliel?» The woman suddenly perked up, looking at the young dwarves with newfound curiosity. «Kíliel? The dwarven Princess? It cannot be…,»
Kíliel immediately lowered her head further and turned away. She realised her mistake in seeking contact with this woman, now everyone would know of the dwarven princess that sneaked about in human cities.
As they turned to leave Kíliel paused, plucked a golden coin from her pocket and turned to place it in the woman's hand. «I thank you for your service, madame. Good day!»
She did not wait to see the woman's reaction, simply turned and followed Thekk through the marketplace, her heart beating rapidly and her breath heavy as she played the previous scene over and over in her head.
When they stopped beside a shoe-maker's stand a few turns away and out of sight of the doll-maker, Thekk turned to Kíliel with a hard expression. «You should not have let her notice you. Now everyone will hear that you ran away from Erebor, and we will get in trouble.»
Kíliel saw suddenly red with fury and snapped back at him: «I was not the one who revealed my identity, Thekk. Lulkhel! Do not blame me for it when it is you who must think more before you speak!» She hissed furiously.
Suddenly she felt again the pain in her abdomen grow and wash over her like a wave of slashing knives. Kíliel groaned but refused to show Thekk her pain, not in this moment when she needed to seem strong. She would not let him make it her mistake alone, though she probably shouldn't have talked with the woman, she could not regret it. It had brought her more reason to be happy with herself than anything else in her life.
«Why did you want me away from her, anyway? She would not have known me if you had not spoken my name,» Kíliel eyed him accusingly.
«I'm responsible for ya', Kíliel, I need to make sure you're safe. Ye can'it trust humans,» Thekk pursed his lips, his expression repentant and yet stubborn, as he too stood by his actions and reason for anger. When he got impatient or angry his accept always deepened and it annoyed her even further.
«You are not responsible for me, Thekk,» Kíliel sneered at him, her eyes filling with tears again, partly for her anger and partly for her pain.
«Of course I am,» Thekk had a look of complete confident, as if it was the one thing he knew to be true in this world, «Besides, had I not brought ye' here none of this would've happened.»
«I chose to come with you,» Kíliel groaned in utter frustration. Then her eyes turned hard and she looked him dead in the eyes as she spoke through gritted teeth: «If you think I am your responsibility, you are mistaken. I am not yours, not now and not ever. I am no ones but my own, and I can take care of myself. If you cannot understand that…,»
«I understand, Kíliel,» Thekk had bewildered eyes as he placed a hand on her arm as if to calm her down. «I… I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that!»
Kíliel shook off his hand and pressed her lips to a tight line as she looked down. «You are just like everyone else,» she muttered and turned away from him.
«No!» He demanded, and she froze, her back towards him. «I am not like them… I do not want to own ye', Kíliel, and I never have. I simply want to be yer' friend, if only you can trust me.»
She turned back suddenly, blinking as she looked at him again. He was so sad, his entire stance downbeat, a look of misery on his face. Something inside her screamed for her to comfort him, to tell him that he was indeed her only friend and that she trusted him more than she was comfortable with. But her burning abdomen, sore breasts and throbbing head would not allow her, and she looked at him with contempt.
«You know, Grandfather told me about everything. He said that it was all a lie, that I did not have to marry you, that it was all a scheme for us to get to know each other.» She pursed her lips as she paused, then swallowed. She ignored the audience they had with all the people passing them as they stood in the middle of the busy street. «Did you know?»
Thekk bit his lip and looked down as he caressed his braids, a nervous habit of his. Kíliel understood and she nodded bitterly. «How long? From the start? Have you been lying to me all this time like all the others?»
«No, no…» Thekk stuttered, and meeting her gaze again she saw such tormented regret, such as she had never seen in his eyes before.
«I wanted to tell you when my father told me a year ago, but he made me promise not to. Oh, Kíliel, I was so angry, with all of them for doing this to us, but mostly for your sake. It was such a dirty scheme, and I felt guilty for being a part of it. You must believe me,» he took another step towards her, holding out his hand in a hopeful gesture, seeking her forgiveness.
Kíliel took a step backwards. She did not know what to think.
«I never wanted any of this,» Thekk suddenly continued, and Kíliel met his eyes quickly, seeing his determined gaze. «I never wanted to marry you, not if it meant robbing you of your throne. The prospect of becoming a King is good and all, but it's nothing I've ever coveted. Even when I thought I was going to be King, I was unhappy with the idea, and I wanted simply to leave Erebor, become a mercenary or dig somewhere in the Iron Hills.»
Kíliel furrowed her brows, and yet their gazes were locked.
«I have always simply wanted to be someone you can trust, with no hope of marriage or love. You must believe me… Please, believe me,» as she stared at him, her mouth falling slightly open and her heart willing to accept his apology, to believe that he spoke the truth, a single tear released from Thekk's eye.
Kíliel felt her own eyes water, and she stepped forward so that she could put her arms around him, bury her face in the fur on his collar and feel his strong arms support her like nothing else could. And it felt good! She exhaled, then inhaled and felt the warm smell of his hair fill her. She felt his entire body shake before it relaxed, and his arms tightened even more around her until she was certain nothing could hurt her ever again as long as she had him by her side.
It was then that a loud horn sounded from Erebor. It shook the ground, resonated in the air, and they looked to the mountain in surprise, releasing from their embrace. What was going on?
A yards away from them a band of dwarven guards suddenly stood tall, calling aloud for everyone to hear. «The King under the Mountain is dead! Long live King Fíli, King under the Mountain!»
There was a silence as heavy as a ton of bricks lowered upon the market. The whole town of Dale seemed to be frozen in that one moment.
Kíliel did not understand. It was a mistake. If the King was dead, that meant that Thorin… Her thoughts went suddenly blank, her vision blurred and she collapsed on the cobblestones, miles away from her home.
—
Aín sat with his grandfather in the Council chamber. They were going over the revised budget for the new year. It was tedious work, and Aín's thoughts were occupied elsewhere, with a young princess with red, flaming hair and a difficult mind to understand.
Ever since he had found her in that storage four years ago she had started to trust him more, and still her mind eluded him. He was angry with himself for his juvenile behaviour the first years of their acquaintance, and he feared he would not be able to have full control of her in the future because of it.
And then there was that maggot Thekk, always ready to protect Kíliel whenever Aín got close to her. Aín enjoyed fantasising of all the things he would like to do with Thekk to remove him from the equation. Seeing the light go out of those unintelligent eyes of his would be a sight to savour. But he paced himself. As he had already learned, this was a marathon not a sprint, and being patient was the only way into Kíliel's heart.
One day she would be his.
He found himself tickling the end of his beard with his feather pen, dribbling ink all over the official document he was supposed to be signing, and cursed lowly, so Altar looked at him with a hard gaze.
He was saved by the messenger that suddenly burst in the door, a small and fat dwarf sweating as he ran across the room towards Altar. The old Council Leader boomed: «How dare you enter here without as much as a knock? We are dealing with important Council business and wish not to be disturbed by such petty dwarves as yourself!»
The dwarf stopped a meter from Altar, his breath still short, yet his gaze was more uncertain as his eyes flashed between Altar and Aín.
«Well?» Altar urged as he stood over the wretched dwarf, looking down on him past his sharp nose. Aín pitied the dwarf for the position he had put himself in, though could not help but be pleased that it had taken Altar's focus off of himself. His grandfather was very short tempered and Aín did not care for his lectures, which he repeated over and over.
«Erm,» the messenger cleared his throat, and his gaze flashed another time before he spoke again: «The King is dead.»
He had spoken so low, Aín could not be certain he had heard right, but at that moment the horn sounded throughout the Mountain, and Aín knew that he was correct.
It was unlike a shock and yet similar. It came slowly, carefully licking its way up throughout his body, and it felt wonderful. It was a warm, sweet feeling of accomplishment, of possibilities and excitement, feelings he had rarely known. It took all of Aín's power to hold back the smile that pressed on, and he eyed his grandfather to mirror his reaction, to be saddened by the news, which he knew was expected of him. But all he felt was bliss, a dark happiness of the times to come.
This was his time.
Lulkhel - Fool of all fools (Khuzdul)
So, it's officially more than three months since my last chapter, and you must believe me when I say Im sorry from the bottom of my heart!
The last three months have been the hardest, toughest, most stressful and testing months of my life, and it has physically been painful not to write throughout this entire time! I feel i've let myself, all of you wonderful and faithfull followers and Kíliel down throughout this period, and I hope to be able to make it up to you by being CRAZY productive the next few months! Because now I have officially finished my education, and the next month is just gonna be filled with art, ficcing and creativity on another level! :D:D:D
That being said, I do hope you enjoy this sooo belated chapter! A big, well actually TWO big twists on the end, giving you an insight into Aín's psychopatical mind (I know a few of you have been very wondering about him and finally its time to show you his true colors!;) ) and with the death of Thorin, which will continue through the next chapter!