Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. There may be new characters created of which will be mine! Any quotes or words used from Ms. Meyer's works are totally her's. I lay claim to none!
Chapter Ten
Helpless
It had been weeks that I was searching for Victoria. The thoughts of hunting her and finding her were consuming my every moment with a collision of all thoughts of my reason for existing that I had left behind. I had tried hard not to think of her, not to allow myself to get away from the task at hand, but I couldn't. In a town where the name Isabella was so common, the whispers of Bellas all around, my mind wouldn't stop. I tried desperately to block out even the hint of her name, the hint of the human I love, the human who gave meaning to what I had been for the past eighty plus years.
Alice and Carlisle had both tried to contact me numerous times. I had reached the depths of destruction so often that I knew that Alice's visions would not be soothing to her and that only Carlisle would be the one she would turn to. Alice knowing of the relationship between myself and Rosalie would not share the information I knew her visions were showing to the rest of the family. Alice wouldn't want to worry our dear mother or hear Rosalie gloat about the outcome of what I had become. Rosalie would be happy and full of bliss for the outcome of what I had turned my existence into just out of pure joy and revenge because of my earlier denial of her after her addition to the family.
Sitting in the hotel room that I had taken several weeks earlier after I had exhausted my search for Victoria, I had so much time to sit and ponder. It was destroying my family even more than I had imagined when I decided to leave, decided that we all would leave Forks behind. Images of Bella continuously were going through my mind. What was she doing now? Was she happy again? Had she moved past the time we spent together? Surely, she had. If Bella hadn't been such a special human, I would have figured she had for sure. But Bella, my Bella, was different than the average human. It was time for me to return home. I would plan my return carefully. I knew Alice would foresee what was coming, she would see our return to Forks, at least my return to Forks, but she wouldn't say anything as the course I was working on was still a work in progress. I would first go to Forks, stay in the shadows, watch her for a few weeks. If Bella had forgotten me, had moved on with her life, then I would leave again and that would be the end. I wouldn't stand in her way with whatever human happiness she had found since I had left. If she was unhappy, if I could sense that she missed me the way I missed her, then I would run to her. I would take her gently into my arms and tell her of the lies and beg for her forgiveness. I would make promises of the future and of making her forgive me. Nothing I would ever do could make it up to her my terrible treatment of her, but I would have to make her believe, make her see that I only did what I thought was best for her, protecting her.
I glanced down at the few articles of items I had of belongings with me. I had brought nothing of any measure of importance with me, so I would just throw these things. I would take a flight in the morning. Returning to Forks via a plane would be faster than my running and since I was unsure of Victoria's whereabouts now, it would be best I return as soon as possible. What if she had returned to Forks looking for me now? Bella would be alone and unprotected. Once again, it was my fault. I left her alone and unsafe. The phone call arranging a flight was done and I was beginning to feel a sense of urgency. I needed her, in any way possible. If she had moved on, I would remain nearby, watching out for her, protecting her. My fragile Bella would need my protection just as I needed her to be near and safe. I decided I would speak with Carlisle about the matter, but it was my surprise that Rosalie answered. She had been avoiding answering any call that came from me and I was perfectly fine with that. I never wanted to really speak to Rosalie again. She had been a major player for the opposition with regards to my relationship with Bella. Rosalie and her opinions had become one of the key players in my decision to leave. Between Jasper nearly destroying my Bella and Rosalie's condescending reaction toward the situation, it had been those things that convinced me to leave. Regardless, I needed to speak with my family. "Rosalie, I need to speak to Carlisle," I had demanded. Rosalie had grown quiet, saying nothing, so unlike Rosalie. "Rosalie, what is it?" I demanded.
"Edward, it's Bella," she finally spoke. "Alice had a vision."
I had asked Alice not to look for Bella's future. I had wanted Bella to be who she was before I had come into her life. I wanted her to be the young, safe, alive girl she should remain. I didn't want any of the vampire existence to be tainting her existence with or without her knowledge. "Rosalie, what did Alice see?"
If a beating heart had still existed in my chest, I was sure it would have burst. The uneasiness I felt in my gut was comparing nothing to the thirst for blood. For once in my existence, the bloodlust compared little next to the feeling of apprehension rising from the pit of my stomach. "Edward, she's gone. Bella committed suicide. I'm truly sorry, Edward."
I had no time for Rosalie's put on remorse. My knees hit the floor hard. I lost all sense of the human façade I had been upholding for all these years. The floor beneath me shook, the walls rattled with the impact of my body against the thing barrier below me. I was sure that all of those in the building would be certain that an earthquake had occurred. The venom pooled in my mouth as my anger grew and turned into pain. Why would Bella do this? I couldn't exist in a world without her. She was the reason I was being held to this place. Rosalie had to be mistaken. There was no way Bella would do this to herself, to Charlie, to her mother. Bella Swan had to exist. She had to be safe.
I made no move to bring myself off of the floor. I would trade my existence and a million like them to safe her, to take her place. Bella had to be okay. This had to be a miscommunication. Alice's visions were subject to change. Perhaps this vision of Bella's demise was a vision that would change if Bella's course could be changed. Rosalie had said it was suicide. Had my actions killed Bella anyway? I couldn't allow this. I had to try. I dialed the Swan house, a number I had wanted to dial so many times since I had left. The seconds of the ringing coming from the phone seemed an eternity. The male voice answered. "Can I please speak to Chief Swan?" I asked, my impatience growing.
I could hear the apprehension in the male's voice that answered. Who was this guy? Was he a relative that I didn't know about? A friend of the Swans that Bella had not mentioned. The helplessness I was beginning to feel began to overcome me as the boy spoke again. My heart began to sink as I heard the words. Funeral. Charlie was at the funeral. I slammed the phone shut. My body came crashing forward before I could stop it, causing another earth moving event. Bella was gone. Alice was right. I had driven Bella to take her own life. I had destroyed her. If I had walked away, I would have spared the world of losing the most precious creature to walk, the earth. I knew what I had to do. It would destroy Carlisle, destroy my family, but I had to pay the ultimate price. I couldn't live with her. I couldn't live without her. Knowing that Bella was no longer gracing this world, I had to join her. My brothers would not help destroy me, a job that would require help. I could not exist this way. I knew what I had to do.
I plundered my way into the streets, tossing that annoying phone into a trash can as I made my way out. I would be heading to the airport now, but not to take me back to Forks where my dearest should still be breathing. I would head to Italy. The Volturi would help me. I would get the help I needed to end this horrific existence. I deserved to be in hell for the monster I was.