SANTANA
"Alright, Lopez lets get this over with. Quite frankly I wish you'd just let me go to sleep in peace but apparently my insesnt need to continually engage in exhausting dialogue no matter what hour of the night it is has rubbed off on you. I must say it is not a good quality in you."
"I.." is all I get out before she's spins on her heel walks to the guest room next door and shuts the door with me a few steps behind her rolling my eyes. Of all the nerve! I knock on the door taking a few deep breaths willing the evil bitch inside of me to stay away. I just practically saved her damn life scraping her off my bathroom floor and a little appreciation isn't much to ask for if you ask me.
"Berry for God sakes open the door. You had no problem playing nice when I was hauling your butt off the floor! You can't just decide you're going to be pissed again!"
"Just because you scrapped me off the floor like a dead fish doesn't discount your actions earlier and how I feel about them."
"Aye Dios this chicks going to kill me." I mumble quietly. "Please, I'm really sorry I was a royal bitch I just..."
"You just didn't want to cry again and show your vulnerable side so you snapped at me instead" she finishes as the door flies open. My hand flies to my heart as it feels like it just flew out of my chest.
"Something like that" I mumble trying to catch my breath. She sighs and rolls her eyes at me.
"Come in" she says stepping to the side so I can enter. I see her eyes drifting down to my knuckles as I take a seat on the bed.
"I am actually sorry that I snapped at you. I don't do apologies and now I've just uttered those words more than once on this same issue. I will not repeat it again." She frowns slightly and shrugs her shoulders. What that was supposed to mean I don't fuckin know. I have enough problems trying to figure out feelings when people actually speak. She must see my bewildered expression.
"Its okay. I mean, you are Santana after all. I'm more surprised when you're nice to me." Now I'm the one with the frown.
"Well, that sucks. I don't want it to be like that anymore, I was...I thought I was doing better with that."
"No, I didn't mean it like that, honey," she says gently taking my hands in hers. "You're first instinct is always to put your walls up which mostly translates into you being...well...a bitch quite frankly. You're still trying to get used to seeing me as one of the few who gets to see this other side of you. I get it. I get that this is really hard for you to keep your defenses down and be comforting and all that 'mushy stuff' as you call it."
Now I'm really pouting. "Sappy Santana" I mumble rubbing my temples as I feel a headache approaching. I've about hit my emotional roller coaster ride limit for today.
"What?" she asks after a loud bubble of laughter escapes her.
"Q called me that like 20 minutes ago, Sappy Santana. Its all your fault you know that right?" She's smiling at me as she reaches to tuck my raven hair behind my ear.
"I'm okay with that," she shrugs as her hand lingers on my cheek.
"I'm not sure that I am. I can't let my guard down too much because I might forget to put it back up again at school and you know like out in public."
"I promise I won't tell anyone." I smile at her and roll my eyes.
"Nah as long as its only with you, Q & B and doesn't spill over to anyone else. Just cause there's like five people on the planet that get to see my human side, this includes you now. But you guys still aren't safe from Snix. She's gots a mind of her own!" She giggles shaking her head.
"It's okay I know you're still trying to get used to not hating me."
"I never did, remember how I've also said that one hundred times too? It's really not just you babe. I just hung up on Britt before you tried to exit the tub like a dolphin at sea world showing off for a crowd. I've got a short temper, that's just me no one's safe from it not even myself. Damn, you are rubbing off on my little D. No me gusta."
"You hung up on Brittany? What happened?"
"Huh? Oh it's no big. Whatever" I huff crossing my arms.
"Come on. It would be kinda nice to hear about someone elses problems and drama for once before getting back to mine or whatever you have to talk to me about. It's been all about me and my drama."
"Ha. I thought you lived for it to always be about you and your drama!"
"It's not as much fun as I'd once imagined."
I roll my eyes and move to sit back against the headboard, stretching my legs out. She joins me settling in the middle of the bed indian style next to my thighs. "Ugh, fiiiiiineee. This is the mother of all secrets, okay? I don't want anyone knowing about my shit and I definately don't want Brit hearing anyone else talking about what happened with us at school."
"Cross my heart. You are after all keeping my secrets so it's the least I can do to avoid my need for gossip."
I feel a pang of guilt about telling Quinn and now my Mama but push it away telling myself it was necessary. "Alright, well it's not that exciting. I've been spending a lot of my time with you, and she's always with stupid wheels."
"Santana must you call him that?" she chastises me.
"How's about... crippled?" She gasps and puts her hand to her mouth, as dramatic as ever. "You wanna hear this or not."
"Sorry, continue. You're with me and Brittany is always with ARTIE" she says over emphasizing his name.
"Listen, you can call him that but I don't like him and I've got good reason to, okay? She picked that idiot over me. We've been best friends since freaking kindergarden and tossed me away like I meant nothing to her in favor of that jerk. He rubs it in my damn face any chance he can get."
"But you and Brittany are still getting your sweet lady kisses on, as you call it, behind his back so in reality you are the one winning this little game."
"How...h-how do you" I can't stop stuttering. How the fuck does she know?
"Oh please! You two are so obvious. He must really not want to see it to be able to miss it. Don't worry I don't know if anyone else knows, probably not maybe just Kurt cause he always sees that stuff. Gaydar and all."
"I am not gay!" I yell.
"Oh my God who cares who you are attracted to Santana? You know everyone in Glee will support you. You're relationship with Puck is flirty enough to have the whole school thrown off anyway."
"Are you gay or something?"
She laughs at that shaking her head. "I've never thought about it one way or the other. I was attracted to Finn, yes, and I think I loved him but I find some women unbelieably attractive as well. I would never discount someone due to gender and I don't believe in labels. You fall for who you fall for it's not really something within our control. Enough, stop derailing this conversation from what it's supposed to be which is why you hung up on Brittany."
"Damn, uh yeah let's get back to that cause I don't know what to say to what you just said. So, she keeps asking me if I'm mad at her and I keep telling her no I could never be mad at her. Blah blah we hug she bounces away happy then the next time we talk she's asking me again. It got a little bit annoying. It was the first thing she asked me tonight on the phone. So I asked her how many times I gotta tell you the same thing! And yeah okay I was a little short with her but being all cotton candy hasn't gotten me anywhere with this. So she says she's not an idiot I only have to tell her once but she'll only believe me when my actions support my words!"
"Yikes, what did you say to that?"
I told her about the rest of the conversation. Me apologizing for taking it out on her and how she told me I'm not spending enough time with her or talking to her about everything like we used to. Rachel was nodding along then kinda winced when I said this last part, "That's her freaking fault though she's the one who picked wheels over me! I mean you can't expect shit not to change after that. She's supposed to be with him more and I'm allowed to get a life outside of her. What am I supposed to do sit around staring at the phone wondering when she'll feel like hanging out? Nah ah Santana waits for no one."
"Not even for Brittany?"
"Huh? Why the hell should I? If she felt the same she'd be here with me not there with him. Simple."
"Is it that simple? I mean she's thinking of you as still being her best friend even though she has a boyfriend. She's not thinking of you as someone she's in love with. That's how you're viewing it because for you that's how you think of her as more than the best friend so to you it's wrong for her to be spending as much time with you as before when she's dating someone else. She might be in love with you but she's choosing to look at you as her best friend and she doesn't understand why she shouldn't be able to have you and Artie. Think about it. Don't respond to that right now I can see your walls going up."
"Are you...are you saying she doesn't feel the same way about me?"
"No, no that's not at all what I meant. I mean ..."
"That I'm thinking of her only as the girl that was more than just my best friend. That all that other stuff that went beyond a normal friendship that we only did together, that part of her only I got to see, now I have to share that part of her with this idiot. Is that...right?"
"Yeah that's pretty close to what I was saying. That's how you're seeing it, more from a lovers jealousy angle where Brittany who doesn't over think things or complicate things sees you still as her best friend who is supposed to be by her side forever no matter what. She doesn't think that should ever change. When she's around you she's still giving you that part of herself because she does care about you but she's not thinking of it as cheating or choosing. For her there is no choosing you because you're never supposed to leave her."
"She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. Damn, everyone says I'm the only one who understands Britt and can talk to her, but that just gave me a run for my money. Should I worry about you miss 'i fall in love with any gender?"
She laughs good naturedly at me and rolls her eyes. "Definitely not. You are without a doubt the only one that can speak Britts unique language. I think I've actually understood her all of three times and even then I probably was way off the mark of what she actually had meant. It's easier for me to see this from the outside looking in. You're right in the middle of this with all your emotions and feelings clouding the view. I'm happy to provide insight anytime you require it."
"Thanks. Seriously, that actually makes a lot of sense what you said about how she sees this versus how I do. I don't know why I never really thought of that, Britt sees everything differently."
She shrugs. "Don't beat yourself up over it. It's still unfair to you emotionally to have her demanding you're presence be the same now that he's in the picture. She seems to really understand you as well she should be able to realize how this is affecting you. Perhaps you should ask her next time?"
"Ask her what exactly?"
"What she expects out of you now that she's with Artie? Or why does she still want to do all the same 'beyond friendship things' with you when she chose to be with Artie which should mean that he is the one she should be doing those things with."
I make gagging noises. "I'm not entirely sure I want to know the answer to that. Also, I've got her convinced that since the plumbing is different it's not cheating so I'd have to think a little on how to word it so I don't screw that up. As wrong as it is or whatever, I don't want that part to stop."
"Even if you deserve a whole hell of a lot more?"
"Yea, even if I do which I'm not agreeing to." I smile suddenly as a thought crosses my mind. "You're not to bad, you know that? Like to talk to."
"You sound really surprised!"
"Well, I've never been the biggest fan of your yapping!"
"Well you're welcome...I think. I'd say you owe me one but I think I'm still very much deep in debt to you and all the help you've given me but perhaps I could ask one teeny tiny favor ..or two?" she says looking up at me thru her ridiculously long dark eyelashes.
"No, we are not postponing this chat and you most definitely can not go to sleep!"
"How did you?"
"Oh please. Look at least the talking will kill some time."
"As will the musical directly following it."
"Ugh, I don't know why I even got my hopes up that you'd have forgotten."
"I, Rachel Berry, never ever forget anything to do with musicals!"
"Alright already that's definitely more than enough about me! I gotta talk to you about a few things before I lose my nerve." I reach over and it thumb her lip out from her teeth. "Hey look its gonna be okay. I'm not gonna sugar coat it cause there's nothing that's gonna make this shit easier but, look at me okay, don't be scared cause you got me, Sappy Santana, I'm not goin anywhere. You've got way too much dirt on me now. So no goin' into that dark place, kay? We just gotta get you thru this last part then finally we'll be able to put you back together again." She scoots closer so she's right next to me to lean her head on my shoulder and grabs my hand. I kiss the top of her head as I wrap an arm around her back pulling her closer.
"I'm not humpty dumpty you know."
"Ha ha shut up. I need to get some coffee first if I'm going to have a chance in hell of making it the next ...nine hours and two minutes awake with you. Can I get you some? Or tea? How about you come down with me and look at what options we have. My moms a tea addict I couldn't name them all if I tried and Papa and I are coffee addicts with very different tastes though."
"Okay. I'm with your mom though on the tea."
"Ugh man you two don't know the joy you're missing out on in life."
"Wow!" She says as her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. "And I'm the dramatic one!"
"I'm not being dramatic that's the damn truth! That's how good it is!"
"I'm going to be mad at you, aren't I" she sighs as we make our way into my room after enjoying our caffeine. I slide back up on my bed settling back against the headboard and motioning for her to come sit. Instead of sitting in front of me where we can see one another she settles into my side nuzzling her head into my shoulder. That's not gonna work once we start but I kinda like how perfectly she fits there so for now she can stay.
"You don't have to be mad at me. I'm hoping you can see past it and the reasoning behind what I did."
"And what would that be? Perhaps it's best you start with that before I get too angry I refuse to listen to it"
"Do you remember what you told me the other day? About how hard it is for you that he knows everything that happened that night and you don't?"
She nods into my shoulder. I feel her shaking as she takes a deep breath. I loosen my hold and although I can sense she's reluctant she lifts her head from my shoulder. She seems to understand what I'm after and moves to sit alongside of my stretched legs in front of me. I grab a hold of both of her hands in mine then continue. "About how you're not sure if he took advantage of you and all of that."
"Yeah" she says quietly. "Oh" I squeeze her hands as her eyes widen.
"I don't see a way for you to ever completely heal and be able to get passed this without knowing the answers to that Rach"
"What are you saying, Santana?" I respond so quickly I barely understood what I said myself. "What?" she asks brows knitting together.
"I said, I know the answers now" she gasps pulling her hand out of mine to cover her mouth.
"You weren't tutoring Puck were you" she says quietly. "No baby girl, but I was with Puck. We went to Karofskys" despite the fact I'm like 90% sure she musta known that her gasp sends a sharp pain to my heart. "I know what I promised you and though you may disagree I kept my promise. I didn't get carried away you have any idea how hard it was to not use the bat?"
"The WHAT?" she gasps again.
I shake my head. "Not important"
"He could have really hurt you" she says tearing up. Fuck not the crying..and hold up.
"What? You're worried about him hurting me?" She nods as the tears start to flow.
"He's big and strong I know you are all scary Snix and fury but I'd never forgive myself if he hurt you too because of me."
"Shhh baby girl. Please don't cry." I whisper letting go of on of her hands to brush away the tears running down her cheeks. "I can't..I can't even believe you were worried about me! Puck came with me, and before you ask he didn't ask one question and I sent him to the car when I asked what I'd came to ask."
"What was his answer?" she asks.
I'm just staring at her like an idiot. I can't figure out how to say it or what to say first or what not to say. She interrupts my internal panic. "Please just just say itI can't take this" She says thru tears. I grip her hands tighter in mine.
"I'm sorry I'm trying to figure out how to."
"Just say it. Don't sugar coat it or any of that, just like you said. Be yourself San..I-I need you to be blunt so there's nothing to leave to my imagination."
"He said he didn't get the chance to. To..uhm"
"Rape me." she says bluntly.
"Fuck. Don't say that."
"Why not thats the word for it."
"No, there are a lot of ways to say that. Take advantage of you. Don't fucking say that word again I'm not kidding. Anyway, he had started to before he was interrupted. He did enter you slightly but he said you...uh your ..fuck your virginity is still intact.' She lets out a loud sob and flys into my arms. I wasn't fully prepared for the force of her so I fall backwards onto my back with Rachel on top of me. Her fists are balled into my shirt and I'm having quite a difficult time prying them off so I can hold them. I decide to let her keep her death grip on my shirt and settle for rubbing her back and running my fingers through her hair. Her hair is so smooth seriously like silk which is kinda crazy considering its really thick like mine, and it always smells like strawberries. I wonder if she does that on purpose. I'm pretty sure if her name was different I'd still call her Berry because of it. I'm snapped out of my obsessive thoughts about her hair when I realize she's not crying anymore just sniffling. Oh god, I hope she hasn't been talking to me cause I sure as shit wasn't listening! What the fuck is wrong with me thinking about hair and strawberries? I roll us so were both lying on our sides loosening my grip on her enough to be able to look in her eyes. Her hairs stuck to her damp cheeks so I tuck it behind her ears and wipe away the remaining tears stuck to her red cheeks. "We gotta get you to a doctor tomorrow little D."
Her lip starts quivering. "But he..I thought"
"shhh its just to be safe, you need to be checked out."
"Oh my God what if he has..."
I don't let her finish that thought. "He's bringing me lab results tomorrow. Each football player regularly gets screened. I woulda heard about it if he'd ever failed, I've gots alotta sources. Either way he's going tomorrow and so are you. Don't you even think about arguing with me on that."
She starts to cry again and I pull her back into my arms and just let her get it all out. "Tomorrow you'll finally have the closure you need baby girl. Okay? I'm so sorry. You're not alone though okay? Were gonna get through this and you're going to go back to being that loud obnoxious Broadway diva determined to make your dream come true. I'm going to make sure that you do."
A loud ringing rudely rouses me from sleep. Arms around my waist prevent me from falling out of bed in surprise . Confused I look down and am not at all surprised anymore to see Rachel curled into me holding on for dear life.
"Stop moving" she grumbles into my neck. I'm in the guest bed having fallen asleep shortly after Rachel did, so where in God's name did that noise come from? My phones in pieces on the floor in my room and..."M'ija" my mothers voice in the doorway gets my attention. "School." she says simply and walks back down the hallway. "SHit" i grumble. I've gotta go talk her into letting us go late. "Rach, you've gotta.. let me get up."
"No i don't" she shifts closer to me.
"Aye Dios!" I hiss slamming my eyes shut. Her knee pressed right up in between my legs when she shifted.
"Are you okay?" she grumbles shifting again.
"Fuck..shit..R-Rach stop moving...that leg."
I look down at her as my breathing evens out, her one eye pops open and a smirk devilsh enough to rival my own appears.
"This one?" she says in the hottest sex voice I've ever heard. She shifts her fucking knee up again.
I suck in a breath again "Oh my God." Summoning up all the strength in me I shake the fog from my head. "I'm going to pee all over you if you don't release me. I'll be back in a few minutes I promise."
"You're disgusting" she whines rolling off of me giggling a little.
"Works every time" I smile to myself as I climb out of bed and hurry after my mother. "Mama donde estas?"
"En la concina, m'ija."
I jog down the stairs and into the kitchen. "Mama, I need a favor."
She looks up from her coffee cup. "And what would that be Santana?"
"I need to go into school late."
"You do, huh? So you need an excuse note? What about Rachel?"
"The doctor can give her a note but since I'm not family and there is no medical reason I have to come iwth her they're not going to give me one."
"Doctor?"
"Yeah, she needs to get checked out, asap. It's already been way too long and I called Dr. Martinez last night and scheduled her an appointment in...2 hours."
"Alright. Make sure you get right back to school afterwards. I mean it Santana. No emergency trip to Breadstix or anything else."
"Mom, Breadstix doesn't open until noon."
"Not the point." She says handing over the note she quickly jotted down on her personalized notepad. Maria Lopez, attorney.
I kiss her cheek and thank her perfusely before running back up the stairs. Now for the fun part of trying to get her to cooperate in under two hours.
"Rachel Barbara Berry?" A nurse asks sticking her head out from behind the door. I burst into a fit of giggles. "What is your problem?" she huffs at me. "Barbara? Are you freaking kidding me?" "Yes, that's right she's the..." I hold my hand up "Nah nah...don't you start." I grab her hand and haul her behind me following the nurse through the door.