~*~Behind the Mask~*~
by Roaming Tigress
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The Trouble That is Darkwing
*~*
Darkwing Duck was de one responsible fer practically ruinin' my career and image. Fer ten long years dat duck brought nothin' but trouble fer me. Lemme tell yas, if dere was an easy way ta get rid of 'im fer good, I wouldda done it long ago.
De foist time Darkwing Duck ruined a mission was back in September 18th, 1991. I was sent out wit' de Eggmen to take out all de oil from Oilrabria. 'Igh Command wanted ta market it off to gain power in de stock market. It was a good idea all right, but it was a failure. I messed up big time when Darkwing Duck proved dat 'e could be just as smart and crafty as me.
It was de foist mission out on my own wit'out Diamond by my side. Despite de defeat, I t'ought I did pretty good. I was young and aggressive at de time, and damn right devious!
De next mission was to stop de rotation of de earth wit' de use of a rocket. It was a fun little job. I got ta intimidate J. Gander Hooter, and got to mess up de weat'er and time of de day. Apparently little Gos'lyn t'ought it'd be alright if she could tell me what ta do! Youse could t'ank 'er fer screwin' up ano'ter well-laid plan.
A few weeks later, I was assigned to steal a prec-i-ous pearl from de St. Canard Aquarium. De "Darkwing Squad" got into de act. Grizlikoff also just 'ad ta get involved, but wit' a little bit of mind playin', I persuaded 'im dat F.O.W.L is da group ta woik wit'. It eventually backfired and I spent sime time in jail. Too bad mind control doesn't woik wit' Darkwing. I'll 'afta try 'arder on dat.
Next up was de "camping trip" job. It was my job ta go to de St. Canard National Park wit' dis mechanical bear to terrorize de place. I would den later turn pine trees into missile silos. It managed ta clear out most of de campers, but it didn't spook Darkwing Dork any. Da brazen mallard decided dat 'e just 'ad ta camp dere, along wit' dat brat Gos'lyn!
Let's skip ahead to a coupla months later. Ammonia Pine and I were once reunited ta pull a bank heist. Now, bein' a Chief Agent and all, bank heists aren't my t'ing. I'm more of a blackmail/forgery type of criminal. Anyways, while we were out doin' our mission, she proposed marriage. In a way, I didn't blame 'er. I did what I could ta snifle a laugh, but I cracked up. Later, I ditched 'er by rollin' around in da doit and makin' a complete ass outta myself.
Yes, she reported me ta 'Igh Command. I got punished and yelled at, but at least Darkwing Duck didn't come along an' toss me in jail. Yep, dat was da infamous "Cleanliness is Next to Badliness" incident, fellas.
A day later, I was back on de job. I 'adda take be part in a mission to control dis destructive F.O.W.L ball t'ng to basically destruct St. Canard. Sure, De Comet Guy got in de way at times, but I knew just 'ow to 'andle 'im. I made a simple disguise outta a bucket and a blanket, and Comet Guy fell for it. Ya see, he isn't what you'd consider de brightest star in de sky. He managed ta fall fer de trick, until Darkwing just 'ad to reveal my identity.
When St. Canard 'ad it's airshow in '92, it was time fer time fer me ta 'ave some a little more fun. I played around wit' de EGRT and scarin' de livin' daylights outta people. I got to tease Darkwing and dat tin'eaded Gizmoduck, and I learned dat gas guns taste good. I even managed ta scare Darkwing Dork a little. At de end of de day, I got put in de slammer. I suppose all good t'ings come to an end eventually. All in a day's woik!
Followin' dat stint, 'Igh Command sent Diamond out ta retrain me. When dey t'ought I was ready once again, dey sent me out on a mission to a tropical island. My job was to launch some sorta earthshaking device dat would lead to a woild tidal wave if F.O.W.L wasn't given a really large sum of money. S.H.U.S.H sent Grizlikoff to assist Darkwing Duck to track me down. Dose two mooks spent more time fightin' wit' each oter den worryin' about my attempts to take control of de woild.
Last but not least, dere's my little run-in wit' Taurus Bulba, De Steerminator. I wasn't bein' particularly villainous 'ere. Darkwing wasn't even after me! Ta say de least, I was 'aving a pretty good day. Taurus, on de ot'er 'and, got up on de wrong side of da bed! I teased 'im a little about bein' turned into a cyborg. He got real mad and took 'is anger out on me and da Eggmen. Yet I kept taunting 'im, and dat resulted in me 'aving my clothes burnt off. In an uncharacteristic display of cowardice, I fled and relocated to Miami.
I suppose yer wonderin' what 'append to me after de Steerminator incident. In de next chapter, I'll tell youse. It was an event dat would once again change my life forever.
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Disclaimer: The characters
of DeSoto and Darlene Rameria Roberto, Antonio, Andreas and Emillia
Volatilli are (c) Roaming Tigress. Diamond is (c) Kitsune Nevakhum.
All other mentioned characters are (c) Walt Disney Corporation.
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