This chapter should probably have a tissue warning, but some things are going to be clearer because of it, so I hope you won't yell at me too much after you're done with reading. Thank you for going on this journey with me, and enjoy!
August 15th 2004. (Emma is 28, Killian is 24)
Emma comes to in the middle of the road, taking a few deep breaths and slowly getting to her feet, looking around and trying to determine where she is.
The sky is full of stars and the streetlights are few and far between; she's pretty sure that there are no houses anywhere near where she is.
"This is gonna be tricky", she says to herself and makes a move to get off the road when a car's headlights come around the bend, blinding her and making her freeze in place.
Even though she can't see the driver who turns the wheel sharply to avoid hitting her, as the wind caused by a car sailing past her ruffles her hair, Emma somehow knows exactly who's driving.
A scream tears from her throat when the car runs off the road, tumbling into a ditch with an awful sound before it finally settles against a tree trunk half-way to the bottom.
"Oh no, please, please not him", Emma mutters and breaks into a run, feeling the pebbles and sharp grass bite the soles of her feet and hardly feeling any pain.
She slides down to the car on her bare bottom, pausing only long enough to take a hoodie hanging out from the open trunk and put it on before she climbs around the car, praying softly that she doesn't find Killian inside.
A sob escapes her when she looks in and finds him slumped against the driver's door, looking younger than she had ever seen him before, half his face covered in blood from a gash in his forehead.
"Killian", she chokes and struggles to open the door but it won't give, so she ends up crawling through the trunk and across the back seats before she kneels on the passenger seat and reaches out a trembling hand to wipe at Killian's cheek.
A part of her wants to believe that this is just a nightmare, but it doesn't take her long to establish that his left leg is broken and that his hand is somehow stuck between the metal of his seat and the door that is wedged against an ancient looking tree, which means that there is no way to get him out of the car without cutting it off.
"No, no, no, please", she repeats over and over again but the longer she stays here falling apart, the greater the chance that Killian won't make it because his pulse is getting more thready every time she checks, and Emma is about to start climbing back out when Killian's eyes open, looking so very blue even in the dim overhead light.
"Am I dead?" He asks in a conversational tone that makes Emma even more panicky than before.
"You're not. I'm going to get help", she says and lays her hands on his shoulders, stopping him from struggling because he'll only end up hurting himself more.
"My hand is stuck", he groans and Emma bites the inside of her mouth hard enough to draw blood.
"You have to stay still."
"I'm tired", he says more to himself than to her and Emma blinks back tears, trying to drown out the voice that keeps screaming in her head, telling her that she had done this, that she was the one who had hurt him a thousand times more than anybody else ever had.
She is the one who destroyed the man that she is supposed to love someday soon, the man who she is already in love with.
"You have to stay awake", she whispers, then repeats it loudly, her palms cupping his clean-shaven cheeks and shaking him gently until he opens his eyes again. "Please stay awake."
"Are you an angel?" He asks her, and even though his gaze is on her, she doesn't think he even sees her, and for a moment she's glad until she remembers that he won't have any recollection of this night.
"I'm someone who loves you", she tells him, and she realizes that this is the tipping point, this is the moment she becomes Killian's Emma, the Emma he had fallen in love with.
Her future starts now, and Killian is the one paying for it.
"Hold on", Emma whispers and presses a kiss to his cheek, the metallic taste of blood on her lips impossible to ignore as she climbs out of the gnarled car and runs back up the ditch in hopes of getting help as quickly as possible.
Even knowing what the future holds, Emma can't help being afraid so she starts running the second she reaches the road, Killian's pain-filled eyes haunting her and the weight of her guilt getting harder to bear with every minute that passes.
Emma swallows her tears and runs faster.
Half an hour later Emma is hiding in the bushes watching the firefighters cut the passenger door from Killian's car with both her hands pressed to her mouth. She had found help in the first house she had come across where an old lady who didn't seem all there let her use the phone and even gave her dusty but otherwise clean sneakers and faded gray sweatpants to wear before Emma had gone back to where she had left Killian.
When she got to the ditch she found three police cruisers, an ambulance and a fire truck already there, her 911 call obviously mobilizing them quickly; she stayed out of sight, huddling in the dark and wiping her eyes to clear her vision because she couldn't seem to stop crying.
The night is warm but she's shaking, her heart slamming against her ribcage as the firefighters work.
Still, it is not until the paramedics come down to the car that Emma gives up hope for this night ending differently than expected, her knees buckling because she knows what's about to happen.
It's a blessing that she's too far away to hear the sound of a saw cutting bone, but Killian's muted scream still reaches her ears and she plops down on the wet ground because her head is spinning and she feels like she's going to be sick.
In that moment, she wishes Killian had remembered her the first time she visited him in the hospital, because if he had, she might have had a chance at altering the course of this night.
She might have stepped off the road quicker and saved him so much pain even at the price of their relationship.
The paramedics get Killian out of the car what feels like an eternity later and as two burly firefighters carry him up the ditch Emma forces herself to look at the damage she had inflicted on the man that had come to mean more to her than any other person ever did before.
Emma had endured a lot of pain during her travels, both physical and emotional, but nothing had ever hurt her more than seeing Killian suffering like this and knowing that it's all because of her.
One of the police cruisers peels off the shoulder and the flashing lights make Emma's head spin, her nails digging into her palms because she doesn't want to go back, she doesn't want to leave Killian behind like this.
But nobody had ever asked her what she wanted, the universe least of all.
July 7th 2012. (Emma is 28)
One of the difficulties of being a time-traveler is the return trip, but this time is worse because Emma appears in the bathroom stall of Killian's workplace, and she thanks God for the small blessing of it being empty.
Emma feels completely drained, so utterly tired that she has some difficulty getting to her feet, but the very thought of resting is foreign to her because Killian is being driven to the hospital right now and her insides feel like a ton of rocks.
And yet, the longer she stays here, the greater the chance that she's going to run into Killian, so she wipes her eyes and carefully opens the door of the stall, her eyes spilling when she notices a neat stack of clothes on a tasteful table that had held a flower arrangement the last time Emma had come in here.
If she takes the clothes Killian will know what she had returned, but she doesn't have any other alternatives considering the place she'd found herself in, so Emma dashes across the bathroom, picks up the clothes and returns into the stall to dress, having to stop every few moments to wipe her eyes.
She is trying to pull herself together but it's just impossible when all she wants is Killian's arms around her, but as soon as she imagines how it would feel to rest her weary head on his shoulder she remembers where the past Killian is right now and her face crumples, her palm pressing against her mouth to keep her sobs quiet.
Luckily, the bathroom opens to a hallway that leads to the back door and Emma is outside without seeing anybody, and as soon as she exits the alley behind the gallery she takes off at a run and doesn't stop until she reaches the library.
"How nice of you to join us", Mr. Gold says as she slides inside and Belle stifles a laugh behind her hand, but neither of them seem to care much about her mumbled apology because they are too busy flirting with each other.
Emma goes deeper into the library and finds Elsa arranging the History books, and judging by the state of the shelves she's in dire need of assistance.
"What happened?" Elsa asks and starts descending the ladder after just one look at Emma's face, and it's all it takes for Emma to completely fall apart.
A sob echoes among the bookshelves and Elsa's arms wrap around Emma's shaking shoulders, the dam inside her breaking completely and letting out an ocean of sadness that threatens to drown them both.
"Hey, it's okay. Everything is going to be okay", Elsa murmurs, hugging her closely and rocking her from side to side, but nothing she says helps because she doesn't know what Emma had done.
"It was my fault", Emma chokes out, needing Elsa to know, needing to see her reaction because she knows that she's going to have to tell Killian too.
They are too entwined and he reads her too well for her to be able to keep this from him.
"What was?"
"Killian's accident."
"I don't-", Elsa trails off abruptly, and Emma knows that she had made the connection between Killian's missing hand and what Emma is saying.
"Oh God."
"Wait, wait. Are you sure it's your fault? Wasn't he in a car accident? You don't even have a driver's license."
"I wasn't driving", Emma hiccups, her throat feeling like sandpaper as tears keep rolling down her cheeks.
"You have to calm down", Elsa tells her and takes her by the shoulders, then hugs her close again. "Just breathe, Emma. Just breathe."
Emma clings to her friend and tries not to think about anything at all, but every time she closes her eyes she sees Killian's pale face, sees the blood and hears his scream, and it feels like her tears are never going to stop.
She just wants to wake up.
"Come with me", Elsa says and leads her into the rec room, where he holds her until Emma manages to get her emotions under control. "Tell me everything."
Emma speaks slowly because each word tastes like ashes in her mouth, and Elsa's eyes grow as wide as saucers, but she takes Emma's hand in hers and holds on even after she learns what her best friend had done.
"The first thing you need to accept is that it was just an accident."
"Do you think Killian is going to accept that?" Emma asks her sharply and jumps to her feet, pacing in front of the table and chewing on her lip. "If it was an accident then the universe wanted it to happen, and fate kept sending me back in time to keep Killian company in the hospital, preventing him from remembering that I was the one who put him there in the first place."
"Emma, you can't-"
"He's never going to forgive me."
"You don't know that."
"I'm the reason he lost his hand! I'm the reason he stopped painting! I'm the reason he spends half his life waiting!" Emma exclaims and angrily wipes at her wet cheeks. "Why can't I stop crying?"
"You need to get some sleep", Elsa says calmly and gets her keys from her purse. "Go to my apartment, eat something and go to bed."
"I don't want to sleep."
"Trust me, Emma. You'll feel better if you do", Elsa says and Emma takes the keys, relieved that she doesn't have to go home and risk running into Killian.
"What about Gold?"
"Go out the back. I'll tell him you have food poisoning."
"Thanks", Emma whispers and gives Elsa another hug, leaving before she can fall apart again.
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