Triple double awesome points to those who guessed about the play and the panties and even more(these points are accepted at most Gap Outlets, btw) to those who guessed right. I'm glad we're all enjoying Home, the people in my story sure do, and it might even have a profound effect….
"Okay. When Spock came to pick him up from the bar, I just wanted to die! I loved it sooo much!" Luke Skywalker squealed with delight to the rest of his company.
After reading another scrumptious chapter of Home, the crew of the Enterprise had sequestered off to their own discussion groups. Having just read it for the first time, Luke was relaying all of his favorite moments to McCoy and Sulu.
"O.M.G. I nearly forgot! When they talk about going for a vacation in the desert and Spock gets all smiley! Well, I'll tell you, when I read that I just wanted to gather up every kitten in the universe and knit them pink fuzzy sweaters!" Luke added.
"I know! Isn't it great? We love all of the hand flirting moments. Isn't that right?" Sulu questioned his personal slave, whose lap he was currently occupying.
Han Solo made a big show of rolling his eyes and making it seem like he didn't care. "Sure. Whatever," he snarked out.
His inner thoughts were quite different though, 'I soo hope Sarek is accepting of Jim and Spock!'
"Too bad our Kirk and Spock aren't that adorable to watch," McCoy sighed.
"I know! Our Kirk and Spock are like dirty little fuck-monkeys!" Sulu noted.
They continued their conversation excitedly but were soon interrupted by a very angry Uhura.
"Just what do you think you're doing?" she screeched and Luke, "We have plans…and is anyone flying the ship, by the way?"
Realization hit Sulu and Chekov that currently, the bridge was unoccupied.
"We're on it!" they cried running out.
"Anyway, I don't think your behavior right now is very conducive to our project! Think straight!" she shouted, ending with a whack to the back of Skywalker's head.
He began to leave with Uhura, a sea of eyes watching him leave with his head hung low. In those few shameful steps he started thinking. What sort of life was he leading?
"No," he said quietly.
Uhura turned, looking him dead in the eyes. "What?"
"No," he said with more confidence, "I'm not going to be this person anymore!"
Luke stepped gallantly into the center of the rec room and stood up on a table.
"Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention? I know that recently you have heard about my affiliation with the movement to ban gay space marriage," he started.
"Not really. We've been paying attention to things that matter like health care, the Iranian election and updates on Home," shouted a random voice in the crowd.
"Right. Okay well anyway I just wanted to say that four score and seven years ago in a galaxy far away, I had a dream. A dream that I may one day meet a nice boy, settle down and adopt some Ewoks from Endor. It didn't seem like too much to ask, but then one day my aunt caught me and a friend…um..er, 'playing.' I told her we were just practicing some light saber moves, but she didn't believe me and told me how evil I was being. Ever since that day I've been living a lie…however, there was that one time I fooled around with James Kirk and…well, by a show of hands, whose been-there-done-that?" he posed the question to the listening audience.
After a few embarrassed glances around the room, every person and alien present had their hand up. Even Uhura admitted with a tentative wave of her hand.
Luke was really taken by surprise when even the food replicator started beeping to indicate a past tryst with the captain.
"Wow…even the…really? How did he? You know what….not important," he said, "Anyway, so I too have messed around with Kirk and it was the only true time I was free. I'm here to say now that I am a proud, gay, Jedi, and if I get a little too excited at the sight of another healthy, young Jedi unleashing his light saber, I DON'T CARE. I ask all of you to open your minds, for I will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your first…..and if you happen to be a tall, good looking man, please consider re-clenching that fist in my private quarters a little bit later on."
Everyone erupted into applause and Luke beamed at his audience. He was content in thinking everyone was moved by his speech, but really they were clapping because they had just found out that the hiatus on Home was soon to end. Either way, everyone was happy. Even Uhura finally relented and reconsidered her actions. She wasn't actually opposed to gay marriage….she just hand personal revenge issues to work out. In an effort to take a positive step Uhura finally sat down at a computer.
"Alright. I'll read it!" she announced and clicked on chapter one.
But back on Earth, even though the playboy Kirk had finally found his soul mate, they were faced with yet another obstacle.
"You two are together? Oh hellllllll no," said Sarek with a logical emphasis on 'hell.'
"But daaaaaaad!" replied Spock. "We're in love! I searched the galaxy and battled a Khan robot to win my snugglecakes back!"
"Spock, this is unacceptable. I'm sorry, but you have to spread your wild oats into a Vulcan female. Preferably multiple Vulcan females. In fact you can go buck wild and fuck as many Vulcan females as you want. But no human males. Especially not your future brother."
"MOMMY!!!!!!!!!" Jim wailed and wrapped his arms around Winona's legs. "Tell my new daddy that Spock and I love each other! Please! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Also, I want a cookie dough blizzard!!!"
"Besides, father," added Spock. "If you are so concerned with the future of our population, shouldn't you be getting buck wild with Vulcan females?"
Sarek snorted logically. "Spock, you know that I've been shooting blanks ever since the nail gun accident when you were six."
Spock logically punched his fist into a wall.
"And son, I've been in contact with T'Pring. She survives. And that dumbass Stan that she was going to leave you for died in the attack. So you're good."
"EWWWWW" screamed Spock with intense logic. "She's almost as icky as Uhura!"
"Now, Jim," Winona soothed, prying her son off her legs and standing him up. "Don't fuss about this. It's for the best! We can get you another boyfriend," she offered like a mother would offer to replace a child's fallen ice cream cone.
"But I don't wanna 'nother boyfriend! I want my old one!" he pouted, stomping the ground.
"Sweetie, don't you have a ship you need to be captaining?"
"I'm not leaving without Spock!" he cried, pulling said Vulcan into a tight embrace.
"Spock is coming with us to have dinner to meet T'Pring and you need to go back to your ship."
With that she gently took his communicator and contacted the Enterprise.
Sulu and Chekov were the only occupants of the bridge, so it was Chekov who got her message.
"Hello, this is Mrs. Kirk to the Enterprise," she said, a bit surprised at the sound of Chekov's young and curious voice, "Is there an adult I could speak with?"
"Just a meenute!" Chekov answered.
"SUUUUULUUUUUUU!" hey yelled, beckoning Sulu to take the message.
"I'm right here! You don't have to yell," he chided, taking the call, "Hello?"
"Hello, dear. This is Mrs. Kirk and I'm just calling to say I'm going to drop off Jimmy and if you need me you can reach me on my cell, okay?"
"Okay, Mrs. Kirk!" he said cheerily.
"Oh! I'm also sending along some brownies and kool-aid, you kids make sure you share!"
"Will do Mrs. Kirk!"
"Mommy Kirk out!" she chirped.
She handed Jim the brownies and pitcher of kool-aid and saw him off as he was beamed back to the ship.
Kirk reappeared in the transporter room with brownies, kool-aid, and a pissy attitude. He ran up to the bridgem grabbed Sulu's collar, and shook the only Asian-American on board. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT? THEY MADE ME LEAVE SPOCK!"
"We really like zee brownies, Keptan. Your mom ees zee best!" answered Chekov as he grabbed the brownies from Kirk and started shoveling them into his face.
Sulu, in return, just looked at Kirk wide-eyed. "You didn't have Spock with you?"
"No! His dad and my mom are forcing him to go to dinner with that slut wife of his!"
Sulu gasped. "Oh my God…if we don't get you back together…Home will never happen." Tears sprung to his eyes. "Oh Captain, I've made a horrible, horrible mistake!" Sulu jumped up from his station, whipped out his sword, and bowed before Kirk. "I swear on my life that I will help you retrieve your Vulcan lover, so you can make loud, sweet love to him, and cuddle him, and hold him, and do the whole two-finger kiss thing, even if they are for my own selfish Home needs, or my name isn't Hikaru Sulu."
Kirk patted Sulu's head and wiped a tear away. "Thanks, man."
"Do I have to help or ken I feenish zee brownies?" asked Chekov from his station.
"Dammit, Chekov!" Sulu yelled, weeping openly, "Of course you have to help!"
"I ken do zat! On one condition, Keptan."
"What is it, Chekov?" Kirk answered.
"I will help you win back your Wulcan lover if you agree zat upon his return you two will act out Home for zee entire crew."
In another part of the ship, a secret door was opening into Luke Skywalker's quarters.
"Hey, Luke," Uhura greeted gently.
"Oh. Hey."
Uhura stood awkwardly in silence for a moment. Clearly Luke wasn't going to speak first so it was up to her.
"I'm sorry I got you involved in all of this…"
"No! I'm glad you did! I learned to accept myself and other shit like that," he said with a genuine smile.
"So," he continued, "Are you all caught up with Home?"
Uhura froze up, but finally broke down.
"Yeees! I never thought I'd say it, but I am now officially a K/S shipper!"
"Aw that's so great! Hey, c'mon! I hear they have brownies on the bridge!
Luke and Uhura were excited to tell everyone they were over their hate-spewing bullshit, but were surprised to find the entire crew looking particularly….relaxed.
"Do you know what's really weird?" Kirk observed, his legs slung over the arms of his chair. "Tree-houses. They are soooooo weird, man. Like….they're just out there. I mean think about it. A Tree house is made of wood, right? And like a tree is made of wood, but the wood is alive and that's why it's called a tree. And wood is dead trees! So a tree house is a living tree with dead trees nailed to it! That's like nailing parts of dead people to living people!" Kirk finished his theory and took another bite of the very interesting brownies. They seemed to have an extra ingredient that he couldn't quite figure out.
Sulu and Chekov stared at Kirk through red, cloudy eyes.
"Woah," Sulu replied.
"Voah," Chekov agreed.
"Wooooooah! My hand has a twin!!" Sulu exclaimed, laughing hysterically.
"What the hell?" Uhura wondered aloud. She didn't have time to get an answer, though, as she was getting a message.
"Hello, Enterprise?" came the voice of Winona Kirk.
"Yes. To whom am I speaking?"
"It's Jimmy's mom, who is this?"
"….I'm Uhura. Look, if you need to talk to Jim he is a little out of it right now," she said, looking back at Kirk who was currently licking his own knee.
"Oh dear, that's what I was afraid of. Well, there's been a mix-up. I sent some brownies along with him for the crew, but it seems I gave him my special 'mommy-only brownies.' Just make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble. Oh! That's my other line! Talk to you later, dear."
Uhura sighed. It would be up to Luke and herself to watch over the unknowing stoners.
She looked over to see Luke taking a generous bite of a brownie.
Make that just Uhura.
Drug use?? Scandal! If we're all too offended Kirk and Sulu might have to do a public service announcement. I have yet to decide at which restaurant the dysfunctional family will be dining. Suggestions? Thank you to all of those who have reviewed, please do it again! It makes my day and it makes the story exponentially crazier. You know what else makes my day? Crazy videos on youtube and if spirktrekker hasn't already mentioned it somewhere I would like to recommend the video "Kirk and Spock, Rescue Rangers" Three out of four doctors say it provides 60% of your daily recommended jollies. Thank you and good night!