Chapter 11

His keen, elven ears had heard her coming. He sighed heavily, trying to erase the image of his love in the arms of another man, a handsome and charming man, once of status, a friend he knew would comfort her after their quarrel. Another stone skipped across the water lightly. He watched her approach. She was flushed and out of breath, sweating profusely, hair in disarray. Even so, she was utterly gorgeous. "Still excited by his touch, my dear?" he asked calmly.

"What? No, Zevran, no. I ran all the way here from the Keep…to find you." She reached to touch his forearm but he moved a step away from her. "I understand why you are angry with me…why…why did you go to the armory?" A silly question, for sure, but she couldn't think straight just yet. She took another step closer to her quiet lover. He bent down to pick up another stone and skimmed it across the water. "Zevran, please talk to me, or yell at me, or throw a rock at me. Do something!" she shouted.

"And what good would that do? Make you feel less guilty, perhaps? No. You should feel remiss." He was standing there, in the water, as stunning as ever; pants rolled up to his calves, shirtless and tan, wisps of his flaxen hair blowing across his face in the breeze.

He was almost on the verge of crying, almost, but controlled himself masterfully. "I wanted to apologize, to tell you…how much I adored you, to ask you if you would consider not waiting for your duties to be finished, to ask you to marry me tomorrow," he said flatly, looking out at the lake. His serene and seemingly cold disposition troubled her.

As Elissa moved closer to him, his pain was obvious. He continued to bend over, picking up rocks and skipping them across the lake, keeping occupied so he would not fall apart. His heart was breaking right in front of her. "Please, look at me. I beg you, just look at me and let me explain."

"You may explain anything you like, Elissa. I will not stop you." Another stone, another skip.

"Zevran, it meant nothing, and I stopped because all I could think of was you. I have been an incredible fool." No matter what she said, he still did not look at her. She dropped to her knees and began to cry, head in her hands. "It was a mistake, an awful mistake. I have been true to you, I have…It's not what you think!"

"Ah, a familiar line." He had unlocked his iron-clad heart for her, and she stomped on it in one moment of weakness. Was he imagining that she was as altruistic, as compassionate and as loyal a friend and lover as he thought, or was he just fooling himself that someone of her character could love him for who he was, as Rinna did? The same emotions he felt when she died ate away at him now, even more dangerous and destructive than before.

"Well, my dove, it very much looked like something from where I was standing." Zevran kneeled down to face her. He cupped her cheeks with his hands, tipping his head to the side, his eyes pleading. "Tell me, Elissa, do you love me, or am I just a means to an end? I am not accusing you of lying to me. I am only asking if your heart and spirit love me, beyond doubt…me, Zevran Arainai, Crow and assassin, notorious lover…son of a whore." She had never seen him more defeated and fragile than he was at that moment. His voice was growing louder, as he gripped her face with rage filled hands. "The man you have travelled with, who fought at your side and nursed your wounds, who shared the most intimate of pleasures with you! Do you love that man?"

He wanted to strike her, to slap her face and make her feel the pain aching within him. He pulled his hand back, and she took a short breath in anticipation of the blow. There was no fear in her eyes, only sadness. She held her head up, offering her cheek to him. He clenched his fist and jerked it further back, but he could not do it, he could not hurt her. His arm fell to his side, and his muscles went weak.

She sighed with relief. "You are more to me, much more than those things…the man I love is also sensual and hot blooded, caring, loyal, and protective. You deserve more…more than I can give you, but yes, I truly love you. I do, with everything that I am. I know this now, more than ever. What I said to you, those spiteful things…I didn't mean them." She felt so foolish, so stupid and selfish. How could she hurt this magnificent man, after everything she knew about him? His past should have killed him, but it didn't. He was so strong, so full of life and yet her actions were like death blows, butchering his spirit.

She started to sob uncontrollably, yet again. "I know I have unresolved issues with your past…with Rinna. I'm envious of her, envious that she held your love, even for a short while, even though I didn't know you then. I realize you were kindred spirits, and that she grew up much the same way you did. I know you loved her and why. What I said about her…I was wrong, so wrong." She wiped her face with her hands, the tears stinging her skin. She stared at him, her eyes begging for release from the guilt. "I know you have a good heart, a loving heart, and I took advantage of that. I don't know what possessed me to kiss him…I know I have hurt you, deeply, but…hopefully not beyond repair," she said meekly. Her pleas moved him, but still he was hesitant.

"Then why? Why did you fall into his arms, Elissa? You could have come to me, told me anything, everything. I would never judge you, you know this." He gazed at his ring and held it out to her. "I had thought this ring meant something, and then I saw you touching him…" He looked away once more. Zevran was broken; much like Alistair had been when she injured him with the truth.

Her words were desperate. "It does mean something! I don't know what you want me to say! He was there and I felt like a little girl, helpless and alone. I was vulnerable, so upset with our argument. I know that's no excuse. It was stupid and selfish and I am so sorry. I should have come to you. Please, Zevran, can you please forgive me?"

"I already have, my dear. But this is not about forgiveness. I cannot bear to lose you to another man, not like this. If you need freedom, then you can have it. If you want him, then take him. Just be honest with me. Tell me what you want and I will abide by it. I want us both to be happy, Elissa. If I am not the man you want, the man you need, then so be it. But do not drag me along." It pained him to allow her such independence, but he had to let her go, to give her the choice, or he may never know her true feelings.

"But you are the man I want, can't you see that?" She tenderly took his hand in hers and placed it over her heart. "I once told you that I did not feel worthy of you…I still think that, especially now. But…I just want to be loved, Zevran. By you, and only you. I know what you have sacrificed for me, the opportunities you have passed over. You have stood by me many times, when you should have left. I owe you my life." Releasing his hand, she ran her fingers across his cheek. "I know what you are, and who you are. I want you…as my husband, as a father to our children. I want you, Zevran Arainai, eternally by my side..." She had never said more sincere words in her life.

He felt a single tear trickle from the corner of his eye. "Mi amor, if I am sincerely what you want, then I am yours. But I fear your words are…patronizing. Maybe we need to reconsider our relationship." Zevran was surprised at the words coming from his mouth. He never imagined he would say anything like this to her, but self preservation was imperative. His words hit her like a landslide.

"No! Absolutely not, Zevran. Please, don't say that. I don't want to separate from you. I don't want anything but you. What can I say or do for you to believe me!" She was crying so hard she could barely see. "I'll do anything, say anything, but please, don't leave me. Don't leave me alone."

"If company is what you seek, there are others you can pass the time with." Zevran was shedding more tears now. Oddly, he did not feel he had to cover his emotions anymore. "I think we may benefit from a separation. I am not so cruel as to subject myself to any more heartache." He loved her, more than life itself, but he needed to know that she felt the same, beyond doubt. If he gave her some time apart from him, to assess her feelings, maybe she would come to realize that he was the man she desired.

"I know you love me. Why do this? Why? I need you…I…You are part of me; I need you like I need air to breath. Please, please, don't do this to us."

"I have done nothing to us. I have done nothing but love you. It is all I can manage not to sweep you up and kiss you until you collapse in my arms. But, I cannot…I cannot be with you right now." His training kicked in and he held fast to his convictions. "I will see you in the morning and I will accompany you to Amaranthine. But know this; for now, we are not together, not as lovers, not as we were before this moment. And I will not hold you to any vow of fidelity. I suggest you think long and hard about what you want, from me and for yourself."

"But…I don't want this, Zevran. I don't want another man…and…and…what of your vow of fidelity? Will you seek out another's company to…replace me?" she asked, her voice cracking.

"Nothing can replace you, Elissa. You are…unique, to say the least. But I don't know. We shall have to see." Zevran had no interest in another, he only wanted her, but if the opportunity presented itself, he wasn't sure what he would do. He was hurt and angry and wanted retribution. "Please, ask no more of me."

It felt like she had been poisoned. Her throat was closing and her head was pounding. Her face felt flush with fever and her skin crawled at the thought of him with another individual, man or woman. But it was clear that he had made his decision. Elissa twisted off her ruby ring and held it out to him. Her hands trembled and she barely spoke above a whisper. "Here. I imagine you want this back."

"No. Keep it, as a reminder…of what could be," he said stoically.

"Then…I will wear it, if that's alright with you." He nodded to her in agreement. She met his gaze and her thoughts flashed back to the final battle with the archdemon. "The gates of the Black City, right? Zevran…the best part of me is you." She extended her hand to him, silently asking for his. He took it and gave her a slight squeeze.

"I'm glad you are joining us tomorrow. It wouldn't be the same without you watching my back." She tried to smile but she could only look at him with somber eyes.

"We can't have the Commander of the Grey getting killed now, can we? I don't put too much stock in the abilities of our companions just yet, except maybe Oghren." He was still holding her hand, as the slightest of grins appeared on his lips. She wanted to smother him in a million kisses, to touch him in all the right places, right there, by the lake's edge.

"If I may, can I give you a kiss…on the cheek, before leaving?" she asked tentatively.

Zevran knew what she was angling at, after all, he had taught her much about the art of manipulation. Barely able to refuse, he lifted her hand and pressed his lips into her palm tenderly. "This will have to do for now, Elissa." She closed her eyes, savoring the touch of his mouth on her skin. "Anything more would be imprudent. I am sorry, my dear, but I have to ask you to leave me be."

She accepted defeat. "As you wish. I…I won't plead with you anymore. I can see what my betrayal has done to you and all I can say is I'm sorry. I would rather die…than hurt you again. I love you, Zevran." Elissa stood up, wiped her arm across her face, and brushed the dirt from her legs. "Don't give up on me." She wanted to say more, much more, but she kept silent. One last, lingering look at his handsome face, and she turned to leave for the Keep.

He watched her as she walked away, inwardly hoping she would turn around for a final glimpse of him, but she did not. She could not. She became just a tiny dot on the landscape, blending in with the forest. His fists punched the rocky lakeshore until his knuckles bled. With his elbows perched on his knees, his face fell into his hands, and the tears began to flow.