Lionblaze Stole the Stars

Chapter 11: Nothing to Hide Here

What the fucking fuck is taking Jayfeather so long?! Lionblaze thought to himself, chain smoking his third cigarette on the couch. He tapped his foot impatiently, and looked to his wrist to check the time. It was pointless because he didn't have a watch on. Lionblaze sighed and butted the smoke on a dirty plate that was sitting on the coffee table. An hour ago, Lionblaze had sent Jayfeather off with the simple task of buying alcohol, cake, and smokes. Lionblaze had told Hollyleaf to go to the supermarket to pick up a carton of 17 eggs. Lionblaze grinned at his cleverness. She'll be looking for hours, he thought mischievously. They only sell eggs in cartons of 18!

Lionblaze jumped as the door banged open, and he turned around. "HOLLYLEAF IF THAT'S YOU, CAN YOU GO GET -"

"Calm your shit," Jayfeather snapped, walking into the living room. "It's just me."

"Oh. I knew that," Lionblaze huffed.

"Bullshit. I got everything on the list, by the way."

"Even the cake?" Lionblaze asked, leaning forward with his eyebrows raised.

"Of course I bought the goddamn cake!"

"You didn't buy it from Safeway, did you," Lionblaze asked, concerned. "No one likes those."

"Yeah, I know. You wrote it on the list," Jayfeather said as he walked into the kitchen to put the cake in the fridge. "Where did Hollyleaf go, anyway?"

"I sent her to the supermarket," Lionblaze explained. "And don't put the cake in the fridge, Hollyleaf will see it!"

"Well where am I supposed to put it?" Jayfeather cried. "If it's not refrigerated it'll get all moldy!"

"WELL I DON'T KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU PUT IT IN THE FREEZER DOWNSTAIRS?"

"Why are you shouting..."

"BECAUSE I CAN AND-" Lionblaze stopped screaming mid word as he heard the door open again. "Oh fuck," Lionblaze hissed, picking up the cake and shoving it in Jayfeathers arms. "It's Hollyleaf."

"Well, what am I supposed to do with all this stuff?" Jayfeather whisper/shrieked, looking over at the numerous bags of chips, smokes and alcohol.

"Go out the back door," Lionblaze whispered, pointing to the living room. "I'll distract her."

"What are people gonna think when they see me with all this?" Jayfeather cried.

"Go!" Lionblaze piled the bags on top of the boxed cake and pushed Jayfeather out the door, the second Hollyleaf walked in.

"HOLLYLEAF!" Lionblaze bellowed. "DID YOU GET THE 17 EGGS?"

"They came in cartons of 18 or 12," Hollyleaf said, looking at him with a confused expression on her face. "So I got the 18."

"I wanted 17," Lionblaze shook his head sadly. "You're gonna have to make another trip to the store."

Hollyleaf stared at him. "Are you retarded?" she said as she rolled her eyes. "I just said the don't come in cartons of 17."

"Did you ask Paul?"

"Paul?"

"The butcher," Lionblaze said, making shit up on the spot.

"No, Lionblaze. No I did not ask the butcher where the eggs are."

"You should of," Lionblaze retorted.

"You're dumb," Hollyleaf said, placing the eggs in the fridge. "Where's Jayfeather?"

"Jayfeather?" Lionblaze stalled. Hollyleaf sighed in exasperation. "Are you stoned?"

"No," Lionblaze replied.

"Then what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I don't know. Maybe I should go get some fresh air," Lionblaze said, grateful for an excuse to go outside.

"You do that. I'll start dinner," Hollyleaf called after him.

...

Jayfeather sat on his back steps, cake on his lap and many bottles of alcohol beside him. He had a bag entirely full of cartons of smokes on his other side. He lit one up and looked around. A family of four was walking by, giving him the most disgusted of glares.

"How you doin," Jayfeather smiled, waving his cigarette. The family looked away at once and continued walking. Jayfeather was just about to take another drag, when the back door opened. Jayfeather shrieked, expecting to see Hollyleaf.

"You sound like a girl when you scream," Lionblaze giggled as he shut the door.

"Shut up," Jayfeather sighed. "I thought you were Hollyleaf."

"Well, I'm not. She's inside cooking dinner, which means we have approximately ten minutes before she burns everything and sets the fire alarm off."

"We should move this stuff then," Jayfeather grunted, picking himself up off the steps. Lionblaze took the bags and they walked around the house, sneaking in the side door. They walked to the basement, and Jayfeather gently set the cake inside the freezer. Lionblaze took the bags he was holding and stuffed them into the storage cupboard, mashing the chips to make room.

"Don't break them all," Jayfeather grumbled. "No one wants to eat a bag full of crumbs."

"I do," Lionblaze said.

"Well you're an idiot."

Lionblaze giggled and didn't reply. They walked back upstairs, and Lionblaze could already smell burnt food.

"Hollyleaf, what did you make?" Lionblaze asked as he walked into the smoky kitchen. He waved his hands around in a failed attempt to clear the air.

"I made salmon casserole," Hollyleaf said sadly, holding up a dish of scorched black salmon. "Well, I tried to."

"I hate salmon," Jayfeather snapped. "I tell you that every fucking time you make it."

"Well maybe you should make dinner from now on then," Hollyleaf growled. "And where were you?"

"Outside, having a smoke," Jayfeather said, face turning red from lying.

"Why didn't you just have a smoke in here?" Hollyleaf asked.

"Uh, I don't know."

Hollyleaf gave them a look from narrowed eye. "You're both acting weird," she said slowly. "What's going on?"

"Nothing! I was just having a smoke!" Jayfeather cried.

"I don't believe you."

"He's lying!" Lionblaze suddenly exploded. Jayfeather turned and stared at him.

"He was outside, yes," Lionblaze said with a completely straight face. "But he was masturbating."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Jayfeather screamed. He grabbed Lionblaze by the collar of his shirt and dragged him out of the kitchen. He tried to ignore Hollyleafs shrieks of laughter.

"What the fuck!" Jayfeather screamed at Lionblaze the second they got into the living room. "Would you care to explain why you said that?"

"Hollyleaf was catching on," Lionblaze mumbled. "I had to throw her off the trail again."

"By saying I was masturbating on the back porch?" Jayfeather cried.

"It was the first thing that came into my head," Lionblaze said defensively.

"Jeez, Lionblaze," Jayfeather shook his head and rolled his eyes. "You're useless. I'm going to go in there and tell Hollyleaf that you're full of shit."

"Can you grab me some salmon casserole?" Lionblaze called after him.

Jayfeather slammed the door and didn't respond.