Peach Viewer Mail:

Episode 11: Tough Questions

"Hi, and welcome to Peach Viewer Mail!" said Peach.

"My show has really good ratings!" said Peach, smiling. "Probably because I'm imagining it!" She giggled.

Nobody laughed.

"Ooh, I forgot to let my audience in!" Peach went over to her sock cupboard and pulled a bunch of hostages out. She smiled at her work, and then turned back to her laptop.

"Letter one!" said Peach.

"Dear Peach,

Try to unscramble this:
uoy aer yvre yrev RVEY DPSTUI!"

"Hmm…" said Peach, "that's a tough one!"

Peach turned to look at Ness, her guest hostage for the episode. "Ness, you're very smart and… uh… uh… uh… smart," she said, "why don't you try to unscramble it for me?"

Ness mumbled something.

"I can't hear you!" said Peach brightly.

Ness mumbled louder.

"Perhaps you should take off the gag you put over his mouth," suggested Captain Falcon, who was tied face to face with Bowser.

Peach removed the gag from Ness' mouth. "What does the message mean?"

"It's an anagram," said Ness, thinking quickly. "Hmm… maybe it says 'you are every privy stud'."

"Lie!" said Captain Falcon. "I'm the stud here!"

"Get away from me," said Bowser.

"Arararararar…" said Yoshi, who didn't really like either guy.

"I don't think that's what it really says," smiled Peach.

"Maybe it says…" said Ness… "it could say, 'us, your every depravity'!" He smiled nervously.

"Ness, you moron!" shouted Falcon. "I thought you were the nerd! It obviously says 'you are very, very stupid'!"

"NO-" shouted Ness.

"Are you calling me stupid?" said Peach angrily.

"Oops," said Captain Falcon.

Peach picked up a red crayon and stabbed C. Falcon to death with it.

"I tried to warn you," said Ness solemnly.

"Woot! He's dead!" shouted Bowser – if Peach had killed anyone else, he'd be crying. Except if she had accidentally killed herself; that would be nice too.

"Letter two!" said Peach cheerfully, smiling a sickening smile at the camera.

"Dear Peach,

Why are you so mean to your guests?

Sighed, a kind viewer."

"I'm not mean!" said Peach angrily. "Ness, tell everyone that I'm not mean!"

Ness nodded, panicked. "Peach isn't mean, every-"

"TOO SLOW!" screamed Peach, throwing him out of a window.

Yoshi started crying because he and Bowser were bound to be killed in the next few minutes at this rate.

"Letter three!" said Peach, mispronouncing 'letter' as 'throatwobbler mangrove'.

"Dear Peach,

Is there any truth to the rumour that you are dating both Golum and Smegol?

Your Fiend,
Nota Lone

P.S. tikitikirevenge pwns you. All of you. And a hint to the captives, applease tiki. tiki will set you free. Maybe."

"Not true!" said Peach. "I'm actually dating… uh… Smolum and… Gegol? Geegle?"

"Geegle?" said Bowser, bemused.

Peach looked up the word at Geegle dot com. "I like Geegle better than Geigle," she said, "it really has a more powerful search engine behind it!"

"I thought you were dating Mario and Dr Mario," said Bowser, confused.

"Yoshi?" said Yoshi, looking at the postscript. He quickly appeased tikitikirevenge.

"Hey, good idea, Yoshi!" said Bowser. "Oh, great Brother of the Worthless Author, please set us free!"

The esteemed tikitikirevenge then set them free, grew bored, and placed them back into captivity. He also made a bound and gagged Link randomly appear in the room, mainly for the heck of it.

"Why didn't that work?" said Bowser.

"Actually," said Peach, "I'm dating Sheik and Zelda right now. Thanks for asking an interesting question! Uh… letter four!"

"Dear Peach,

What is 4 + 4?

Signed, Ariana"

"Well, my calculator can work it out for me!" said Peach.

Peach pulled out a calculator. "Okay," she said. "First I press this button which says 'four'…"

Yoshi groaned.

"…then I press this little cross…"

Link woke up. "Hey, what's- PEACH! Let me go!"

"…then I press- ooh, 'log'? I like logs!" said Peach. "They go well with chips and sauce!" She leered at the camera. "Get it? Sauce?"

Link and Bowser exchanged weird glances. Yoshi cried.

Unfortunately, at this point, Peach pressed a button which set her on fire. "Oh dear," said Peach. "I don't really like being on fire very much. I shan't do this again." Enid Blyton sued.

"Well," said Bowser, taking advantage of the situation, "since you're on fire, you'd better let us go."

Peach declined to answer, and instead spontaneously exploded with the rest of the room.

THE END.
I am so sorry that I am sorrier than you'll ever be.

Want to send Peach Mail? Try:
http/hoogi. brickfilms. com/smashmansion/pvm/submit. php

"I can't get the link to work!" wailed Peach.
"Remove the spaces, you imbecile," said tikitikirevenge, who was a lot better than his brother hoogiman, and had written a great portion of this chapter.