Balancing Act

I took the letter down to the police station the next day before work. Erik didn't want to come with me; he insisted that nothing short of another arrest would get him into that station again.

I spoke with captain Florek this time.

"Good to see you again Olivia," He said somberly, "I am sorry about all that's happened; Hargitay and Meloni are new at this…you leave them alone for a day and they go off and arrest an ex-ADA's husband without sufficient proof!"

I nodded, "I'm just glad we could sort things out,"

"So what brings you back down here?" He asked me.

"This," I took out the note Mark had given me the day he died. I handed it to him across his desk and he read it quickly.

"Well this is certainly interesting…but do you think it has anything to do with his murder? Other than serving to anger your husband?" the captain asked me.

"Look at the back," I told him, "It's in Russian…have you checked out Mark's soon to be ex wife my any chance?"

Captain Florek nodded grimly, "I see…I'll have someone get to work on this right away," He set the note down on the desk and stared at me over crossed hands, "Olivia, I know you have a history with work like this and I understand the desire you must have to figure out who attacked you and who killed Mark Berry…but your not the ADA anymore. As hard as it is, you are going to have to trust us to do our job,"

I understood him. It really wasn't my place to get involved in an investigation, even if it was my own or Mark's. And I knew that, but still…

"I'll let you do your job, just make sure your detectives are up to it," I said, shaking his hand and leaving his station.

On the way back to my office I think it hit me truly for the first time that Mark was dead…that he had been killed.

It was true that I didn't like him. He had made my life miserable, nearly ruined my wedding, tried to force me into his car…but I had once loved him. There had been good times, in the beginning there had been a lot of good times. And now he was dead; shot in cold blood.

I was glad I had told Erik to meet me in front of my building so I could tell him how it went at the police station. Seeing him waiting there for me, leaning casually against the outer wall of my building and checking his watch, made my heart feel a little lighter.

When he saw me get out of the cab I was in he came forward, a small smile on his lips, "Well, what happened?"

I sighed. A wave of exhaustion swept over me and I just wrapped my arms around his neck, letting my head fall onto his chest.

"What's wrong my love?" Erik sounded concerned that I seemed so upset.

"Nothing more than the usual," I relaxed into his embrace, "I was just thinking about…everything that's been going on,"

Erik rocked me a little in his arms. His hand slid to the back of my head and then caressed my cheek. He lifted my chin and pressed a very sweet, closemouthed kiss to my lips.

I would have just liked to stay there for awhile, but time was ticking, "I'm going to be late," I said to him reluctantly.

"Do you want me to walk you up to your office?" Erik asked me, holding my arms still.

"Won't that make you late?"

"It's alright," Erik smiled, "I can't get fired; I have connections at the top,"

I laughed and allowed him to walk me up. It was very sweet; like dating again.

"You've never been in here have you?" I asked him.

"No," He shook his head, "And this particular tall gray building has always been a source of great curiosity,"

"Your sarcasm is endlessly amusing," I told him.

We entered the elevator to go up to my floor and found ourselves alone.

"You know, I always had a certain fantasy about this type of situation," Erik whispered in my ear. Without another word he took me in his arms, passionately pressing his lips to mine. I happily kissed him back; hasn't every office worker thought at least once about making out in the elevator?

When the door opened we had to face the awkward stares of at least four people waiting to get on, but getting off, I thought it was worth it.

"Lovely office you have here," Erik said when we walked in.

I thought it was a nice office. True, it did have sort of gray feeling to it, but I had done my best to brighten it up. And it did have a great view of the rest of the city.

Erik walked around my desk. His eyes fell on a picture frame. He took it up and stared at it. With a funny jolt he realized it was of him, and it was an older picture to. It was before the accident…before surgery had made his face look like that of a normal man.

"How do you look at this?" He asked me, disgustedly throwing the frame back on the desk.

"Oh no I love that picture!" I scooped it up again, "Remember when you left me for your secretary?" Erik winced, "I looked at this every day," I thought for a minute, "I was a sad sad woman,"

"And I was a fool," Erik circled his arms around me, "Why do you put up with me?"

"For the sex,"

Erik laughed, "Good enough for me," He kissed me once, "I hate to have to leave…"

I nodded, "Go ahead," I walked him to the door of the office, "Just, don't make out with anyone in the elevator this time ok?"

"I'll try," Erik told me in a serious voice, pecking my cheek once before he finally left.

I felt much better as I straightened the picture I had of Erik on my desk. Yes, I had serious problems; a mystery attacker, a mystery killer, a pair of my favorite Christine Louboutin shoes were mysteriously missing…but there is a balance. You can't let the good out weigh the bad. I decided to let the police worry about Mark's murder and my own attack.

My own attack…it still gave me shivers to think about it but what more could I do? I didn't have the authority to take over the police investigation or the time to do it. I had to think about my own job, a new apartment, what the hell had happened to my shoes…

Erik felt his heart lightened considerably as well. The thought of that picture on my desk, though the image was revolting to him, made him oddly…happy. It was just a small reminder…I loved him no matter what he looked like or what he did.

It was just before noon that Greg came into Erik's office. He approached his desk cautiously,

"Erik…how are you? I heard…" Greg said carefully.

"It's all worked out," Erik said hurriedly, and then he paused, "You heard about what happened?"

"It's been all over the building that Mont tried to fire you," Greg spoke in a worried voice, sitting down in front of Erik's desk.

"Damn Karen," Erik muttered.

"No Karen seemed pretty upset about it when she told Cindy…or at least that's what I heard from Ann," Greg said.

Erik rolled his eyes, "So everyone knows I got arrested?"

Greg looked like someone had knocked him out of his chair, "You got arrested!"

Erik felt a bit relieved; perhaps Karen was more tactful that he had thought, or maybe even she didn't know, "It was all a big mistake, Olivia straightened it out,"

"Wow," Greg looked shocked, "I guess it pays to be married to a lawyer…if I got arrested Susan would probably make the officers cookies,"

Erik jumped at the change in conversation, "How is Susan?"

"Fine…wonderful…actually, she is sort of why I wanted to talk to you," Greg paused again, "She wanted us to all have dinner tonight a around eight at Sambas,"

"Oh," Erik nodded. He did think it was a little odd; usually the girls all planned things like this, "That's fine,"

"Great! See you then," Greg said quickly, standing and hurrying out of the office, leaving Erik a little confused.

I was glad to hear about the dinner invite. Yes, it struck me as odd to that Susan had not just contacted me directly, but maybe she was just trying to get Greg more involved in her life.

This dinner fell exactly in line with my plans to balance the crappy with the not so crappy. It felt so good to get dressed up in one of the dressed Erik had packed for me for our honeymoon.

But when I walked by the mirror I saw that the dress allowed all the slowly fading bruises and cuts. I frowned at my reflection and touched the red marks around my neck which I usually covered with a scarf or something.

"I can't wear this," I muttered depressed suddenly.

"Honey, what are you doing?" Erik asked me when he saw I was starting to change.

"I can't wear this dress," I said, "It's too revealing,"

Erik caught my arm, "Olivia, that dress makes you look beautiful! You should wear it,"

"The color doesn't match black and blue," I said bitterly.

"Olivia," Erik pulled me into his arms, "I don't care what you say, you're the most beautiful, stunning creature I have ever seen…and no matter what other people will see you that way to,"

I nestled my head against his chest, "Erik…I look—"

"Absolutely perfect," Erik kissed the top of my head, "Come on, we're going to be late,"

But when we arrived at the restaurant Greg was there; Susan was not.

"See I told you we were on time," I said to Erik when we sat down, "He thought we were going to be late," I said to Greg.

"Well, actually you are late," Greg said, "By about ten minutes,"

"Oh! Well then where is Susan?" I asked.

"She's not coming," Greg said almost nervously.

"Oh no is she sick?" I asked.

"No," Greg smiled awkwardly, "No tonight I just wanted to talk to you two,"

Erik and I exchanged puzzled looks.

"Well, as you know," Greg started, almost as though he could not believe what he was saying, "Susan and I have been together for awhile now and…she's just so wonderful I really feel like—"

"Oh my God are you going to propose!" I cried out, clamping my hands over my mouth.

Greg nodded, "That's why I had to talk to you two…I wanted to call Jackie and Rebecca to but I was worried about Susan finding out! This needs to be a complete surprise, and perfect…Susan has been dreaming of this all her life and I can't blow it,"

I nodded, "You did the right thing; what do you have planned so far?"

Greg shook his head, "Nothing! I can't think of anything! Erik how did you do it?"

"Well actually—" Erik started, and I quickly covered his mouth with my hand. No one needed to know what I had proposed to him in the bathroom of a hotel after taking a shower.

"The truth was I didn't care how he did it, the important thing was that he did it," I said.

"But Susan has been dreaming of the perfect proposal since she was five! If I get this wrong she'll never forgive me!"

I thought for a moment, "Yeah you're right this has to be perfect,"

Greg sighed and put his head in his hands.

"Don't worry! This will be fine, we can think of something!" I said to Greg. This was the perfect little project to keep my mind off of Russians and masked men.

"You could do what I was going to do," Erik suggested, "Take her up to the top of one of our buildings, have champagne waiting there…"

"Yeah, yeah that sounds romantic," Greg agreed.

"No, Susan is afraid of heights," I said, "But a surprise dinner…that's something she would like,"

"Okay where should I do it?" Greg asked.

I thought for a moment, then I took out my phone, "Hang on,"

I called Jackie and Rebecca and told them to come down and meet us. This was a situation that called for all of our expertise.

An hour later we were all settled, our food was ordered, and project proposal was in progress.

"Do you have the ring yet?" Jackie asked in a business like tone.

"No…I thought I would ask you girls for help with that to," Greg admitted guiltily, "She is always saying how beautiful your ring is Olivia, can I see it? I think she would like something like that,"

I extended my hand and showed him the ring. Susan probably would like something like that; it was a classic cut, something Susan had always dreamed of.

"How much did you pay for this?" Greg asked Erik, inspecting the ring on my finger.

Erik, who was suddenly very aware that everyone else at the table was watching and waited expectedly, took out a pen from his coat pocket and scribbled some numbers down on a receipt he had found in his wallet. Erik slid the paper over to Greg,

"Wow! Well," Greg looked down at the paper, "That's…that's okay; I don't need to have…food ever,"

"Oh it can't be that much!" Without warning Rebecca snatched the paper from Greg's hand. She looked down at it and raised one of her eyebrows, "Wow! Nice going Olivia!"

Jackie leaned over and Rebecca titled the paper so she could see it, "Oh! You know I think that was the rent for an apartment I once had,"

I looked over to see that Erik's face had turned bright red. He was so cute when he was embarrassed. We were sitting in a rounded booth and I slid closer to him, squeezing his hand. He slid an arm around my back and tried to smile off his embarrassment.

Just before our meals came I made a trip to the ladies room. Jackie, Rebecca, Greg and Erik were deep in conversation about Greg should wear and so I ventured out alone. Who says women always have to go to the bathroom in pairs?

But when I was washing my hands, I realized just why women need to stick together; because other women travail in packs they are always ready to run you down.

I realized that everyone in the bathroom was staring at the glaring black and blue and red marks on my body. I might as well have had leprosy! I hurried out, trying not to remember how their noses had scrunched up and how they had whispered to each other.

When I reached our table and slid back in next to Erik I tried not to act upset. But I couldn't help but watch as two of the girls from the bathroom returned to their table and made a comment to the rest of their party. They looked over at our table and I spread my hands out on my arms to try to cover the bruises.

They were probably saying that my husband beat me, or that I liked it ruff or something else awfully terrible and humiliating. So this was how Erik had felt when everyone was whispering about his face.

Despite my best effort, Erik noticed that I seemed agitated. He caught me looking over at the table where the two women had sat down and he caught them looking at me and he understood. He suddenly felt quite hot; remembering being stared at and wishing to save me the hurt.

I could feel him tense up next to me and I lay a hand on his knee; I didn't want him to cause a scene.

But Erik could have cared less; I might have handcuffed him to the table…that is an interesting thought…but back to the point, he had an idea and nothing was going to stop him.

After years of being the one at the center of public scrutiny, Erik found himself on the flip side. He was not just going to stand back and watch as the table of people rudely discussed and stared at me.

Erik got up from the table, saying he would be back in a moment. I watched him go towards the bathrooms with fearful eyes wondering what he would do. Now, I don't even want to think about what experiences he had that allowed him to do this, and I don't think I will ever quite understand, but he walked past the table with the offending eaters. I foolishly breathed a sigh of relief and then…

Anyone watching would say that the white table cloth seemed to jump off the table; sending food, dishes, and drinks flying all over the surprised diners.

There were a few moments of stunned silence in which everyone who was at the affected table stood and cried out, trying to wipe their expensive dinner off their even more expensive clothing. Then, there was laughter.

Amid all this commotion Erik returned to the table, "What happened?" He asked in the most innocent sounding voice I have ever heard him use.

Three hours later we had all agreed to each come up with a proposal idea on our own and then share them later. Then we could blend them into one amazing scenario.

"Alright, tell me how you did it," I demanded as soon as Erik and I were alone.

"Did what darling?" Erik said, still as innocent sounding as a schoolboy.

"That thing! With the tablecloth!" In the cab I slapped his leg, "I know you did something so don't play coy with me!"

"I maintain that the tablecloth suddenly felt the urge to liberate itself from the tyrannical reign of the evil china wear," Erik told me calmly, "It's all simple class struggle…very Marxist,"

I hit his shoulder, "There are times Erik, when I could just ring your neck!" Instead I threw my arms around his neck and laughed into his clean blue shirt.

We got home very tired; dinner had taken much longer than we had expected. Erik looked despairingly at our sofa, which had been out bed for over a week.

"Olivia…I have to ask, is it sleeping in a bed that bothers you or is it our actual bed room?"

"The bed room," I said quietly, "But you know what, I need to put it behind me and I know the sofa is too short for you to sleep comfortably,"

Erik looked at me for a moment, "You know what darling? Why don't you go in the bathroom and take a shower, and when you come out we can talk about this,"

"Erik I'm really too tired now, I think I'm just going to do it in the morning,"

"Olivia, if you love me at all, just do it," He smiled at me, pushing me toward the bathroom.

"Alright!" I said, "If you really think I smell that bad,"

Nightgown and robe in hand I went into the bathroom. I deliberately avoided my reflection in the mirror as I undressed. I hated being reminded of the marks covering my body.

But it was like watching a street vendor fight with a tourist; as sad as it was you just can't help but watch. I caught my image in the glass and I couldn't look away. My eye was drawn from bruise to cut to bruise.

At first it hadn't been so bad, but the more time that pasted the more I remembered every agonizing detail. I had been told that whoever it was had used something, like a lamp or a bat to hit me. Every time I closed my eyes something else came back to me, some other part of the attack. And then, when I felt the rope around my neck…I thought I was dead. I can't even say how many times I woke up feeling like I couldn't breathe.

I looked into my own eyes and watched the tears begin to fall. I knew the marks on my body would fade, but what about the ones on my mind?

No, I told myself, forcing the tears to stop, this was not what I was going to think about. I was going to think about Susan and Greg and their need for a perfect proposal. I would not let myself wallow in my own grief.

But when I stepped out of the shower and I saw myself again, I knew I just couldn't sleep in the bedroom, not yet. I was terrified of waking up in there after having a nightmare and be in the place where it had all happened.

I opened the door to and stepped out into the bedroom, but I noticed something was missing. I went out into our living room,

"Erik!" He was standing in the middle of our living room. The sofa had been pushed towards the wall and he had moved our mattresses off our bed and laid them on the floor.

"Will this work?" He asked me.

I smiled at him, coming over and sliding my arms around his waist, "Yes, I think this will work,"

"And this weekend, we start seeing other apartments," Erik said, cupping my face in his hands and tilting it upward so he could press his lips to mine.

We got into our bed on the floor. It was actually much better than the sofa. But of course, as soon as we lay down, Sammy jumped on top of us, wagging his tail furiously no doubt believing that this was some sort of game.

Sammy settled down between us, rolling onto his back as we pet him, "You know, some day when we have kids this is what they are going to do," I said.

"You mean have bad breath?" Erik asked, turning Sammy's head away from him.

"No! I mean they are going to come running in here and sleep in our bed because they are scared or excited or something," I stopped petting Sammy for a moment and he rolled back onto his feet and poked me with his head, trying to get me to pet him again.

Erik pushed the dog reluctantly off the bed and took me in his arms instead. I think this made Sammy quite jealous.

Erik ran his fingertips up and down my back, "Do you think about kids a lot Olivia?" he asked.

"Well," I wasn't sure quite how he felt about it and I didn't want to sound too eager, because I really wasn't too eager, "Not all the time, but once and awhile,"

"How many do you want?" Erik asked me, his hand now gently running through my hair.

"I don't know," I said, resting my palms against Erik's chest and closing my eyes, "I guess we could see how the first one turns out and then go from there.

Suddenly I felt Erik tense, "How they turn out? You mean if it looks…like I used to?"

My eyes snapped open, "No, Erik, I didn't mean that," I pushed my body flush against his and wrapped my arms tightly around him, "I only meant that I want to see how hard labor is before I say how many kids I want,"

Erik relaxed, "Have you thought about names yet?" he continued to stroke my back.

"Raoul if it's a boy, Christine it it's a girl," I said without hesitation.

"You must be joking," Erik said flatly, his hand stopping on my back again.

I let him hang in suspense for a moment longer before I laughed, "Yeah I wouldn't give those names to our children…I really actually don't like them,"

"Thank God," Erik's hand began to move up and down my back again.

"But they did name their son after you…"

"Olivia…" Erik said in a warning tone that made me laugh.

"Truthfully," I said, a little sleepy now, "I like James for a boy," My eyes closed.

"James…that's a good name," Erik looked down to see I was already asleep.

My mind was settled; for now I felt alright. Erik was not in jail, I was not in the hospital, Susan and Greg were going to get married, and that was all I had to worry about for the moment.

We were just a normal couple, sleeping together…on the floor, while our dog snuck up and slept on the end of the mattress. I nestled closer to Erik. The weather was turning a little colder…fall was coming again.