This is not yaoi, it's a Cast Away and every movie ripoff

by Insertmanyfandomshere

Oh fine, you'll still read it. Sima Yi gets stranded with Guo Jia on an island. Then more stuff happens. Yeah, that's it. Want a cookie for reading this?

11. A small Simpsons reference was made

One-by-one, Shu soldiers throw the four into a small jail cell. Sima Yi has multiple bruises on his face and was laying down with his behind up.

"Ugh..."

"I can't believe we didn't use our weapons! Why didn't we use them?"

"I kept on forgetting I had one."

"Well, they took them away now. Huaaa... I feel stupid for not being able to fight back." Footsteps are heard coming towards their cell and Zhuge Liang is seen. He turns to face the cell with a menacing grin. Sima Yi runs up and yells at him He points at him with a stern finger.

"No! No! NO! That's MY thing!"

"I can do whatever I want. You're the one in the cage right now." Guo Jia worryingly says out, "Oh, no! He's going to butt-rape us!" Zhuge Liang makes a blank expression only to then slowly turn into disgust.

"Maybe Gan Ning does that... But me? Uewgh... That is disgusting! The Heavens would be ashamed if that happened! I have dignity compared to that man! I am here just to taunt you!"

"Then do it! Don't just give us Sima Yi's rape face or we'll get the wrong idea!"

"Fine, haha. You treated me like horse s*bleep* back on the island, so this is karma getting to you."

"You were the one to blame in the first place!"

"Boo-hoo, you will be executed as spies from Wei. The land will never know it was you four. Cao Cao will be easy to defeat and I-I mean-Liu Bei will conquer every thing! The land of benevo-GOAH!" Sima Yi gets a fork from the ground and stabs him in the stomach though the grated door.

"SHUT. UP. That word is poison to me."

"Fine! Assaulting a major official is added to your list of crimes!"

"I don't care what happens to me in Shu!"

"Yes, your head will be hanging on the castle wall!"

"After the benevolence crap, you go straight into chopping my head off!"

"You don't deserve benevolence!"

"Damn right I don't deserve that bull*bleep*!"

"It is not bull poo-poo! What is bull poo-poo is that you're working for the most evil man in the country!"

"I really don't care about him! He is just the one who pays me!"

So you did need money. Thank me for giving you a job.

"I didn't exactly need it, but I'll happily exploit Shu for the s*bleep*y generals they had!" He slowly turned to Zhuge Liang when he was saying that sentence. "Exhibit A over there."

"F*bleep* you!"

"F*bleep* you!"

"F*bleep* the both of you!" They turn to stare at Jia Xu. He looks at them with a confused expression. "Oh, we're not doing the "everyone hates everyone" thing?"

"Well, you earned yourself insulting a major official!"

"Again, I don't give a f*bleep*!"

"You know what? How about getting you to the chopping block right now? I can just tell Liu Bei and he'll do it!"

"Oh yes, you have him all wrapped around your little gloved finger!"

"Yes, I do. He won't question me asking for your execution. I'll go do it now." Zhuge Liang walks away from the cell with a very evil grin.

"Hey! You don't do that! That is my thing! Walking away with a creepy smile is my thing! Ah, he's gone."

"What are you going to do now? You will die."

"Hahahaha... No, I won't." Sima Yi goes to the wall and knocks on it. He moves over and knocks again.

"What are you doing?"

"I've been in a cell before. These are nothing compared to Wei's."

"Wait, Cao Cao actually imprisoned you?"

"After him standing outside of my house for five days, he just went and used the forward approach. That's when I gave in. Anyway, these walls are weak. Just hit it with all you have."

"I'm surprised they didn't put chains on us."

"Shu is not very bright, remember?" The four go to the grated door and turn to face the back wall. They run into it with all of their strength and it breaks down.

Not that much funding went into the jail budget...

"Okay... look for the stables." They walk quietly behind a building and saw Ma Dai feeding horses.

"Here you go, Chestnut 2. For you, Chestnut 3. And I am not forgetting about you, Chestnut 4! Though Young Master needs to learn more horse names..."

This must be the stables.

"Hey, what's that over there?" Guo Jia points to a warehouse and sees a few juggarnauts in it.

"Those look like the monsters the woman from earlier used on us-"

"Jia Xu, are you thinking what I am thinking?"

"...Yes. Let's. I want to steal THAT."

"Wait, what are you...?" Guo Jia and Jia Xu run over to the warehouse and come out in two juggarnauts.

"Oh my god! You can ride these beasts!"

"I thought they were automatic! I am so getting laid when I get home!"

"But..." Ma Dai gets alerted of the noise and looks around. "Someone there?" He walks slowly behind the stables building and gets punched in the face by Xun Yu.

"OW!" He crumples down holding his nose. Sima Yi and Xun Yu took the nearest horses and rode away. Ma Chao is seen running out yelling, "Noooo! Chestnut 2 and Chestnut 3! Oh well, I still have Chestnut 4..."

"What are you doing? Go after them!"

"Oh, right!" Ma Chao gets on the last horse in the stables and rides off after Sima Yi and Xun Yu. Guo Jia and Jia Xu raced their juggarnauts after them and Yue Ying is chasing after them in her own juggarnaut. But in reality, they are moving very slow.

"...I though these would be faster!"

"She's gaining on us!" The juggarnuats continue to move slowly. Jia Xu looks around on the panel and presses a random button. The juggarnaut shoots across the ground like lighting and catches up to the horse riders.

"Jia Xu! Where's that button?!" Guo Jia pushes a random button and the juggarnuat shoots a large fireball from behind, propelling Guo Jia and destroying Yue Ying's juggarnaut. She lies on the ground covered in soot.

"Nnrgh... they took the prototypes... Koff..." Back at the chase, Ma Chao swings his spear at the two in front of him.

"Give back Chestnut 2 and Chestnut 3!"

"They look the same!"

"You horse-ist!" The juggarnauts from behind go up to both of Ma Chao's sides. They shoot a fireball to his sides and he flies far back into Shu.

"AAAAUGH! ...Noooo... Chestnut 4!"

"Yes! We are now able to back home!" The juggarnauts get closer to the two riding the horses.

"Keep those things away from me!"

"They can't run you over!"

"Just keep your distance." As they rode, a cloud of smoke surrounds the area in front of them. Zuo Ci appears out of the smoke and prepares his hands with electricity.

"If you're not with Liu Bei, you're against him-" Sima Yi knocks him down with his horse.

"AH!" He gets up quickly to get hit by Xun Yu's horse. He gets up a little more slowly only to get run over by the two juggarnauts chasing after the two from before. He lies on the ground flatten and twitching.

"...Ugh..."

"Think about this next time you are considering to stand in the middle of the road!"

"Nnrgh..." Zuo Ci lies on his stomach panting and reaches his hand outward to shoot a large firebolt at one of the juggarnauts. It breaks in pieces and it had Guo Jia landing on his behind.

"...Ow! And.. Oh..." He gets up quickly to run after the three. "*bleep*! *bleep*! *bleep*! Hey! Stop! Jia Xu! Stop yours!" Jia Xu's juggarnaut slows down and Guo Jia grabs onto it and sits on the top of it.

"This is what happens when you try to pull a Sima Yi."

"How does he do it?"

"Leave the smart-ass attitude to me and Sima Yi."

Back in Shu, Zhuge Liang sees a soot-covered Yue Ying and Ma Chao.

"I can't believe you let them escape!"

"...Nrrrgh..."

"Chestnut 4..."

"And you let them off with two of your juggarnauts."

"Hey... aren't you worried about me...?"

"Zhuge Liang... This is why I said I wanted a larger lock..."

"I didn't know they could bypass the lock you have now."

"That lock is just a block of wood with a plank through it! Koff..."

"Fine. I'll contact a proper locksmith. Wait, can't you make one?"

"Do I look like a locksmith?"

"But you invent things for a living. Can't you just make a lock?"

"You do not understand my line of work!"

"Since when do you talk to me like that? Sima Yi got to you."

"No, I am using common sense!" Ma Chao weakly waves his hand at the two, "Heeey... I am really hurt here... You can have the marriage arguments later... "

"You're just sad over losing Chestnut 2 and 3. And 4."

"But my body feels numb..." Zhuge Liang continues to ignore Ma Chao to argue more with Yue Ying. Yue Ying slowly gets up and brushes off some soot.

"And Sima Yi said you never wrote about me in your history books!"

"He is lying!"

"Oh? Show me an autobiography of yourself and show me the part it talks about your family."

"Um... er... I lost it."

"Hmph. Though so."

"Why don't you go marry Sima Yi right now?"

"Ew, he's a pedophile! Not to mention the really tasteless hats he wears!" The scene switches to Sima Yi sneezing.

"Again, I am NOT a pedophile! That's Zhou Yu!" It switches again to Zhou Yu sneezing.

"Nargh! I am not a pedophile! It is Koei's fault for making my wife too young! They think it's "cuuuute"! Yeah, right!" It returns back to Yue Ying and Zhuge Liang. Ma Chao crawls over to them.

"I really need medical attention! My organs feel like their being stabbed by my ribs!"

"Not now. And I heard you don't consider me a strategist. What the hell? I help you with plans! It's because I am a woman, isn't it?"

(Damn you Sima Yi for making my wife a feminist.)

Sima Yi appears in his thought bubble.

"Haha! You're welcome!" He blows a raspberry at him. Zhuge Liang punches the bubble in anger. "Shut up!"

"Excuse me?"

"No! That was for my thoughts!"

"Whatever." Yue Ying turns around and walks away from Zhuge Liang.

"Ah! It wasn't for you!"