Fall
My mother always said that good things come unexpectedly and you almost never know what it really is until you became close to lose it. My mother is usually right about everything that she says but she is definitely wrong about this.
I knew Rachel was the best thing to happen to me almost immediately. I didn't fall for her that first time I saw her nor the first morning we welcomed the sun together. But I am falling and I'm afraid she won't be here to catch me now.
So I hold her as tight as she lets me and pull her closer to me as we lay in my bed. I thought she was leaving last night, I thought she truly believed that it wasn't enough but she stayed. She stayed with me and it has to mean something.
There wasn't sex, there wasn't even a kiss but she stayed and that's more than enough for me. More than I expected and probably more than I deserve.
"Are you asleep?" she asks softly and I smile at hearing her raspy voice before kissing her forehead and snuggle even closer to her. "I'll take that as a no"
"I'm sorry"
"We need to talk" she says sitting up and away from my arms. I nod as I look into her eyes and also sit up against the headboard. "You're married" she states.
"But I don't want to be. I thought I wasn't anymore" she looks down and moves her hands back when I'm about to touch her.
"Don't" she warns but for this time I choose to not listen and sit closer to her so I can hold her hands like I intended to do in the first place.
"You just woke up in my arms, don't do this" I beg as her puffy eyes meet mine. "We communicated last night, didn't we?"
"Your wife screwed your best friend"
"And from that point on she no longer existed to me anymore. Hell, I was detached from her even before she cheated"
"You had marital amnesia" she tries to let go of my hands but once again I don't let that happen.
"I left papers behind. I thought she had signed them. In my mind I was already divorced when I got here"
"Why did you wait so long to tell me this?"
"I didn't want to remember any of it ever happened"
"But it did! And the fact that you didn't want to remember only proves that you still love her!"
She stands from the bed but I follow right after her. I keep my distance this time though and let her pace the bedroom as I process her words.
"The fact that you're silent right now proves that I'm right!" she yells again but I only shake my head.
"No, it doesn't" her chest heaves with anger but I remain calm as I look at her. "My marriage with Deborah ended long before she cheated. I love her, of course I do. I was married to her for years…" she takes a step back from me but I take two towards her and grab her arms in place. "…but I'm not in love with her. I hadn't been for a very, very long time."
"It's not enough" she tells me and I notice that she isn't angry anymore. She's resigned.
"I'm telling you the truth, I'm baring my soul out here for you. I'm giving you the answers to all of your questions. How can it not be enough?"
"When you waited months into our relationship to tell me, and I had to find out by her showing up all leggy and fabulous and telling me herself. You pulled the plug. I'm a sink with an open drain, anything that you say now runs right out. There will never be enough."
…
Once at work, her words still run wild in my head and there is a permanent knot in my throat. I walk like a zombie from consult to consult until I find Dr. Rose in the ER.
My patient is bleeding out and we head to an OR immediately to try to stop the hemorrhage. Clearing my mind off of everything that's happened last night and this morning I ask for a scalpel.
"Dr. Fabray?"
"What?"
"Doctor?"
"What?" I snap my head towards Rose who looks apologetic and scared. "What?"
"Aren't you gonna say it?" Hummel asks from the other side of the table and I turn my eyes back to my patient.
I breathe in deeply and close my eyes. The only sound that I can hear is the one coming from the machines keeping this man alive. Swallowing is hard and my chest hurts a little bit more each time that I try to do it.
I look back up and meet the eyes of my team before locking eyes with Marley. I wonder if Rachel hates me as much as Dr. Rose seems to.
"Ladies and gentleman, let's hit the road."
Mr. Seibert has been on a car accident this morning that took a man's life. His wife and son are also in the Hospital but none of them have serious injuries from what I hear.
I stop the bleeding successfully but it's clear that that isn't going to be enough to safe this man's life.
"There's no point with his liver" Dr. Domn says as we both take a look at it.
"I'm done here" I take off my hands but sadly, I have to agree with him.
"I'll do what I can though" he says unapologetically.
"What do you see, Dr. Rose?" she looks at me with something close to pity in her eyes.
"A deep laceration, bleeding"
"What else?"
"It's hard and pale, cirrhotic. I heard he's on the transplant list"
"His wife and son are here, right?"
"Yes, Doctor."
This surgery will take from five to six hours and the liver has already been compromised beyond repair. We need to get him a new liver or else he won't make it.
I leave the OR and immediately find Dr. Pierce to inform her of the situation. She's an excellent Chief for the time being and she gets to work as fast as she can on the matter.
I, on the other hand, go back to my previous state. And I want to shake out of it and do something to help but I can't, and the longer I think of a way to show Rachel what she needs to see, the more I blind myself of ways to do it.
I'm inside the elevator when the doors slide open and Deborah walks in. I feel my body grow tense with her mere presence but I don't look at her with the hopes that she won't talk to me.
"You told Rachel what happened?"
"Couldn't you just ride the elevator in silence?" I push the button harder, as if it would get me to my floor faster.
"I talked with her" I turn back around and her piercing eyes are already waiting to gawk my reaction.
"What did you say?" the doors lift open but neither one of us makes a move to get out, and they close again.
"That sometimes people do desperate things to attract attention"
"Wow" I want laugh in her face but I just look at her disbelievingly. "That's your side of this? Is that what you've been telling yourself? That I didn't pay you enough attention? Is that what you were thinking when you got naked with my best friend?"
She reaches out and pushes the button harder than I did before.
"No, Quinn. By that point I wasn't even thinking anymore" she defensively says. "By that point I was scratching an itch."
I look down and away from her after hearing her words. Our sex life died way before the marriage did but that wasn't entirely my fault. I admit I didn't do much about it but she didn't either. The fault is on both of us.
"We got successful, the both of us" she continues. "We got busy and lazy. We didn't even fight anymore, Quinn. And Sam was there and I missed you. And now I'm sorry, I really am. I'm more sorry that you can possibly imagine but at least I'm willing to talk to you about it."
The doors finally open up and I walk outside, trying my best to ignore the tears that are willing up fast in her eyes.
"Quinn, please" I turn around and look at her. "Please"
"I'm a sink with an open drain."
I walk away from her and block out the entire day. It feels like the first month I was here all over again. I don't leave the Hospital and I eat, shower, sleep and change in the Hospital as I wait for a chance to try again with Rachel.
I finish operating on a lung cancer patient when the sun is coming out again. As surgeons, we are control freaks. Inside that OR I felt tall and bullet proof but as soon as I walked out, all that perfection, all that control just crumbled to my feet and I'm nothing again.
After picking up coffee from the Cafeteria I find the Chief standing up and looking renewed waiting for the elevator.
"Good morning, Dr. Fabray" he cheerfully says. He's obviously glad to be back.
"The mornings aren't good anymore since you invited Satan to Seattle" we both walk inside the elevator.
"Satan?" he asks confusedly just as Deborah catches the elevator with us. Funny, how I seem to see her more than I do Rachel.
"Good morning, Victor. Looking good" she smiles.
"Satan speaks" I tell the Chief before sipping my coffee.
"Actually I prefer to be called ruler of all that is evil" she says to the amusement of the Chief, who laughs with her. "But don't worry, Quinnie. I'll answer to Satan"
"Don't call me that" I warn her before looking at the Chief again. "What is she still doing here?"
"I asked her to stay. We have a pediatric surgery attending on maternity leave" I stare at him for long seconds as I try to swallow down that pill of information and as soon as the doors open I walk out. Surprisingly without running.
I stop at a Nurse station to clear my mind but before I can even start thinking about what this could mean for Rachel and I's relationship, I'm paged.
"Good morning" I enter the room and Mr. Gaston barely smiles up at me. Jones is in the room with her interns and even though I try to look for Rachel's eyes, she's focused on the patient.
"Mr. Gaston is scheduled for a re-section non-small cell carcinoma today. He did well overnight. Has remained afebrile. He's had a dose of acephitraxon this morning. His pre-op labs are unremarkable. His chest x-rays are unchanged from previous." Rachel informs me as I take a step closer to her when I notice how pale she's looking.
"I own a couple of dry cleaning stores" my patient coughs lightly, making me look away from her. "Never believed what they said about inhaling the chemicals, but…"
"We're going to do everything we can for you, Mr. Gaston" I assure him before turning back to Rachel. "Did oncology see him yet?"
"They're waiting for the surgical path" I want to ask what's going on, if she feels alright but this isn't the right time.
"Thank you, Dr. Berry"
"You're welcome, Dr. Fabray."
We all leave the room after informing Mr. Gaston that we're going to have to operate and I smile to Dr. Jones for putting Rachel on my service today but she only rolls her eyes in response. Her reply makes me want to laugh and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm finally losing it or maybe it's because at least something is still the same around here.
I follow Rachel to the bathroom and watch as she leans on a sink and rubs her lower stomach with her eyes closed.
"How long have you been in pain?" I ask her as I get closer. She looks at me and for a moment I truly believe that she won't say a thing.
"Just today" she breathes out. "I always get terrible cramps before my period"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure" she says harshly before leaving me standing alone in the middle of the bathroom. I'm about to follow her again but I'm paged by Deborah.
Dr. Rose is standing beside Deborah in the Natal Intensive Care Unit when I get there and neither one of them says a single word as I review the baby's chart.
"Where's the mother?" I ask them as I observe the child through the glass.
"Gone. She stuck around long enough to get the kid strung out and then took off. Nice, huh?" she sarcastically asks.
"This isn't funny" I tell her through greeted teeth. The fact that I have to work with her and have her acting anything less than professional makes me want to shoot myself. Literally.
"Quinn, I know it's a long shot" she says softly. "I know that."
"No, you don't." I cut her off and shake off the hand that she's place in my upper arm. "This baby is premature, underweight and addicted to narcotics. There's no way this kid is going to survive an open heart surgery. It's impossible"
"You don't know that yet"
"Even if she does. Her chances to survive the after are cero to a hundred. She's going to live a short painful life"
"But you don't know that" she tries again.
"It's my job to know that"
"You're not God, Quinn" she exasperatedly says.
"Excuse me?" I ask disbelievingly.
"I'm sorry honey but you're not. You don't get to decide…"
"Did you just call me honey?" I cut her off and she looks down as she bites her bottom lip. "Don't ever call me honey again!"
"Fine" she raises her hands in the air. "You're not God, Dr. Fabray." I roll my eyes and turn around instead of looking at her. I can't believe how fast she gets under my nerves and wonder if it was always this way. "If the patient has any chance at survival, which I think she does, then you have a responsibility…"
"Don't talk to me about responsibilities!" I cut her off one more time.
"You took an oath Quinn!" she half-yells.
"Oh, don't you dare talk to me about oaths!"
"Quinn, I made a mistake!" she begs as I glare at her. "People makes mistakes!"
"You slept with my best friend in my favorite sheets. I can hardly call that a mistake"
"You hated the flannel sheets!" she throws her arms around as Dr. Rose's eyes dance from Deb to me, trying to keep up.
"I loved those sheets!"
"You liked the Italian sheets with the paisleys…"
"Would you just shut up about the sheets?" she rolls her eyes but takes a step closer to me anyway.
"I think I'm gonna be outside" Dr. Rose finally announces before she leaves just in time for Deborah to start crying.
"Don't do this" I ask her but she was never a loud crier, so she just nods before taking a deep breath.
"This baby girl is a fighter, Quinn. Look how far she's come already"
"Don't get attached or involved. Don't make her life more painful than it already is" tears stream down her face softly and I look away. After all this time…
"Quinn, please. She has nobody. She needs someone to fight for her"
"She's too far gone. You have to let her go" I say calmly and even offer her a paper towel. "Let her go in peace."
I don't stand around to see her controlling her tears and walk straight for the door. "Walk away, Quinn. That's what you do best after all."
I look both sides of the hallway before taking the left. She walked away from me as well. She gave up on us before the idea even crossed my mind. She doesn't get to blame everything on me.
I see Rachel leaning on the side of a wall again and this time she looks worse than when I saw her earlier in the bathroom.
"Hey, Rach. Are you okay?"
"Don't!" she yells right before I can even touch her. I look around quickly and see Puckerman standing a few feet away from us. Why can't we ever get a moment alone?
"I'm sorry but…"
"Stop being sorry! I'm tired of you saying that word" she groans and now more than even I want to be able to touch her but she raises her hand, silently telling me to stay away.
"Rachel…"
"Don't"
"Dr. Berry"
"Wow" she starts laughing sarcastically now. "Dr. Berry, seriously? Are you concerned about Noah finding out about us now? Is that what matters to you? Do you think he cares who I sleep with?"
"No, Rachel" but she's not hearing me.
"Noah!" she calls him and he looks at her quickly. "Do you care that I was the intern stupid enough to screw the married attending?"
"No" and he looks away as I stare at Rachel. She has every right to act this way. I did this and now I have to fix it.
"It's okay"
"No, it's not!" she yells right back. "You have a wife who's not easy to hate. Who's annoyingly kind and painfully smart and currently fighting for the life of a baby girl!"
"Rachel, please"
"Don't! Don't talk to me like you're my girlfriend"
"Don't do that, Rachel"
"Stop, just stop." I look up to Puckerman who looks like he wants to come closer but he's refraining. "Your OR is ready and Mr. Gaston has been prepped."
"Thank you" I whisper softly as she glares daggers at me.
"You're welcome."
Puckerman gives me one last pitiful shrug before I follow Rachel to the OR. We wash up in utter silence but at least she doesn't look in pain anymore.
"Ladies and gentleman. Let's hit the road."
Today I'm blessed with a full audience inside my OR. Four interns stand aside to watch me dissect this tumor. Rachel is one of them.
"Give me more suction, please" I look up to find Rachel's eyes staring solely at me. "Just starting to dissect around Mr. Gaston's tumor" I inform her. "Come closer to take a look."
She takes one step as does the rest of the interns. "We're almost there." But after a couple of seconds we aren't. "The tumor has infiltrated the pericardium. Berry?" there's no answer so I look up to see her but she looks fine by the moment.
"Yes?" she answer after a couple of seconds when I've returned my sight to the patient.
"There's an arrhythmia when I press down on the tumor. That is a sign of what, Berry?"
"Um…" there is too much blood and Rachel isn't answering. "it's a sign of… the tumor has infiltrated the pericardium"
"Yes, possibilities? Suction"
"In all… I'm sorry I…"
"Rachel" I call her but she doesn't answer and I can't look away. "Rachel, answer me"
"It could be causing a tear in the aortic muscle of the heart" another one of the interns answers.
"So, he's got a broken heart" another one says just in time when there's a loud thud as a tray falls to the floor.
I quickly look around and realize that Rachel is swaying from side to side. "Rachel. Rachel"
"Dr. Berry, are you okay?"
"Rachel, look at me!" with my hands in this guy's heart I watch as Rachel collapses to the floor. "Someone help her! Rachel! Damn it! Somebody help her. Get a gurney in here, now!"
My patient is bleeding profusely now but I can't focus on anything else besides the fact that Rachel in unconscious on the floor. Thankfully I see Dr. Jones and Dr. Rose run inside my OR.
"How is she, Jones?" my question goes completely ignored as they raise Rachel. "Rachel!" I call out even though I know she can't hear me.
"We've got it, Dr. Fabray. We've got it"
"Talk to me, please. Tell me what we do know. What do we know? Talk to me Rose!" I yell as they place Rachel on a gurney.
"I don't know" she says.
"Come on, people. Move!" with my eyes on this heart I beg to whoever is listening to please, take care of Rachel.
"What hurts, Rachel?" Jones asks softly but Rachel's voice is too weak, she's barely conscious now.
"Her lower abdomen was hurting earlier" I tell them. "Page the other Dr. Fabray and have her look at her, come on"
"Page, Dr. Fabray" Jones repeats as they start moving Rachel out of the OR.
"Dr. Jones" I call her out. "When you get her stabilized, I need a report, please" but she doesn't answer and I stop doing what I'm doing in order to look up. "Dr. Jones?!"
"Right, yes. Yes, Dr. Fabray. Let's go!"
With my eyes closed I take a deep breath and will myself to be here. Mr. Gaston's bleeding is starting to go down and I'm a step closer to close him up.
I manage to clear my head enough to finish the surgery successfully and then I get out of the OR as quickly as I can.
"Oh, good you're finished" the Chief says as I find him in hallway. "I need you to do a needle biopsy"
"Sure Chief but now I need to go check on… there's someone I need to see…"
"No" he says worriedly. "I need you to do a needle biopsy now"
"Chief, now it's not a good time. Please, I just need to…"
"I'm not in the mood for a debate. So you'll do this now because I asked you to."
Reluctantly I follow him to the room of an elderly patient, who has been a close friend of his.
I force myself to focus once I enter the OR again and I do the procedure in silence. But I can't stop thinking about Rachel and her condition. She has to be alright. She just has to.
Anderson assists me but he looks just as stressed as I am or maybe even more. When we finish we both scrub out fast.
"Tell them the chief said to put a rush on this biopsy. Tell them is a close friend of his"
"Okay. Do you want the histological grade and staging or any specific stains?"
"Have them run all tests."
He gives me a pleading look before he runs down the hallway and I run off in the opposite direction.
"Dr. Fabray?" Tina calls me and I sigh before turning around.
"Yes?"
"Mr. Gaston is awake and asking for you."
I nod and follow her down the hall again. Will I ever get to Rachel's bedroom and check on her? At least Tina lets me know that she's alright and she didn't need any procedures.
"Where were you, Doc?" he asks softly as I enter his room. I should have been here the moment my patient woke up but it's hard to separate my personal life form my work when the person I love works in the same place that I do.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Gaston" he shrugs it off and with an intern I don't know the name off I walk further inside the room. "We went in expecting to simply remove the tumor. Instead it was a little more complicated than that. The tumor infiltrated into the pericardium causing a tear in the outer muscle of the heart"
"That's a lot of medical talk" he laughs awkwardly.
"Basically it means that you…" I clear my throat and smile at him. Oh, the irony. "It means that you have a broken heart, literally. But you're going to be just fine."
He laughs and I take the opportunity to leave the room. I lock myself in an on-call room and finally let the tears fall. I'm not sure how I'm still standing after this day.
No one likes to lose control but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness. Of not being up to the task and there are times –like today- when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you have to stop, hide and let it out. And you realize that the shiny little scalpel that helps your save lives all the time, won't save you. No matter how hard you fight it. You fall and it's scary as hell.
I tell myself to stop and breathe out through my mouth. I wipe away the tears and fix my clothes before I walk out.
When I get to Rachel's room, she's not alone. Noah, Blaine and Marley are sat in chairs around her bed and Santana is sleeping besides her, with her hand tightly intertwined with hers.
There is an upside to free falling after all. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you and Rachel –however unintentionally- has proven to have some very good friends by her side today.
…