Chapter 11

The second the song started I knew something was wrong. This wasn't anywhere near what Tobias usually writes. It was too fast and… and… angry sounding. But when the lyrics kicked in my hope of him not seeing the note vanished. He'd seen it all right, and this song was proof of how he felt about it.

I listened to every painstaking word. I had been so happy and optimistic beforehand, but now I felt like my insides were cut into shreds. That wasn't some angry alternative rock singer singing about how much he hated his girlfriend, that was Tobias singing about me! I had never heard him say anything even remotely like this the entire time I'd known him. But there he was calling me a whore, a bitch, and everything else you associate with those words. I couldn't believe it.

After the song ended I just stared at the screen in shock. I didn't know what else to do. No one had ever spoken to me like that before, especially not Tobias. And the part that hurt the most was that it was all true, every single word of it. I was a whore, I was a bitch, and I deserved to be called everything Tobias had said in the song.

I continued staring at the screen until someone came over and tapped me on the shoulder to see if I was alright. I weakly said, "Yeah," before I got my mind back together enough to get up, grab my stuff, and walk back to my hotel.

I tried to hold it in until I got to my room and luckily I was just able to. As soon as I opened the door I threw my shopping bag onto the floor and collapsed onto the bed. It was then I did something I absolutely hated to do and I've only really done a few times in my life; I began to cry.

I wasn't sure who I was crying for the most, me or Tobias. I felt terrible for putting him in that position and doing everything I did to him. I had never seen or even heard him that angry before, so I could only imagine what he was going through right now. He had probably already burned anything of mine that I had left at the house. And he had probably already told the media most of my deepest and darkest secrets just to get back at me.

And then there was me. I had screwed everything up this time. And this wasn't just a small little thing, this was my entire life. I wanted nothing more than to be with Tobias again, but now I wasn't even sure he wanted me back. What if he wanted nothing else to do with me? I couldn't really blame him for it. I made him give up just about everything he loved in his life to be with me and then I go out and ruin it by doing something as stupid as this. Words can not describe how bad I felt at that moment.

The only thing I could do was cry, and cry I did. I must have fallen asleep at some point though because the next thing I remember was getting my wake-up call.

After answering the phone I just rolled over and began to stare at the ceiling. There was no reason for me to get up. There was no reason for me to catch my flight. There was no reason for me to go back home. I knew Tobias didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Even though he never directly said so it was painstakingly obvious. I'd never seen him this mad over anything before, so what I did to him must have really hurt him more that I ever thought it could've. I'd screwed up and now I had to pay the consequences.

So I just laid there in bed and stared at the ceiling. Sometimes I cried and sometimes I just stared off into space. I didn't have anything better to do. But eventually I had enough. I took few deep breaths to calm myself down as I began to figure out what to do next.

I knew one thing straight away; I had to get on that flight. There was absolutely nothing for me here in São Paulo and at the very least I needed to get back to the United States. But once I got there what was I going to do?

Well, I guess I could go to one of my parent's houses. But that wouldn't work. I'd have to explain everything to them that was going on and I really didn't want to do that. Sure, they were my parents and they'd still love me no matter what I said, but I really didn't want anyone else knowing what really was going on. The more people that knew the better chance of someone letting something slip into the media. And if that happened my entire life would really be ruined. So I only had one other option; go back to my home and plead with Tobias to forgive me.

Content with my reasoning I looked up that the clock on the wall and almost had a heart attack. I was hoping to get as much sleep as I could last night so I had the wake-up call set for as late as possible. And that was assuming that I got up immediately, got ready quickly, checked out quickly, and ran to the airport. Let's just say that lying in bed and staring at the ceiling wasn't part of my original plan. So I quickly jumped out of bed, grabbed my handbag and the bag that had all the stuff I'd bought yesterday, and ran out the door.

I literally threw the keys to my room at the person behind the counter and yelled, "I'm checking out," as I quickly ran out the door and down the street.

I didn't think I was going to make it when I entered the airport, but luckily my flight had been delayed about half an hour due to a storm that popped up over the airport. I made it through security and the whole mess just as they were about to pull away the entrance ramp.

I quickly found my seat as the plane began to taxi and take off. Once the fasten seatbelt sign got turned off I quickly grabbed my bag of stuff and made my way to the bathroom. Since I hadn't had time to do anything this morning I was going to have to do everything in the plane's bathroom.

Everything was going good until I got to my new set of clothes. They had looked nice on the manikin at the store, but right now in my current condition they looked horrible on me. So I took them off and replaced them with my old and tattered clothes which really didn't look so bad anymore.

My normally flat and dull looking hair had all sorts of volume and fluff to in now that I hadn't really combed it in days. I had sort of a retro 80's hair thing going on and my ripped, torn, and dirtied clothes just added to my 80's-ness. It wasn't a bad look for me really; I kind of liked it.

So after finishing with the rest of my routine (the people banging on the door to use the bathroom made me finish a bit quicker) I went and sat back down in my seat and prepared for a long series of flights.

We made a few quick stops and flight changes along the way, but most of the day I was flying. And while I was flying I could either watch the crappy movie that was playing or do what I really did; think about what I was going to say to Tobias to win him back. And by the time the plane finally landed in San Francisco I was as ready as I ever would be to see him. There was just one little thing I had forgotten to take into account. How was I going to get home?

I didn't know of any bus stops that were close to my house, a taxi would cost a small fortune, and I couldn't call any of my friends to drive me since I'd have to explain at least part of what I was doing to them. I guess I could've rented a car or something, but I really wasn't thinking all too clearly. Tobias was so close and I really wanted to get to him as soon as possible. So, I did what I had been doing for the past few days. If it had worked then it had no reason not to work now. I found a quiet spot outside the airport and began to morph.