10.13pm
Oh blimey.
Five minutes later
I have ruined everything between me and Dave.
One minute later
After he said "One kiss or two Sex Kitty. Make your mind up quick", I stared at him, and then I had a complete nervy b and a tizz and to do and also an f.t to end all f.t's and I scarpered.
I heard him yelling my name but for some reason unknown I kept running, into the house, into the toilets, splash water on face, breathe, breathe, ohm, is this really happening?!
One minute later
I cannot hate myself anymore than I do right now. I am Prize Bitch Numero Uno. Even more than her Octopusness – at least she has reason to not like me, as we are, after all, rivals in love and the like.
But I have just been an utterly, utterly horrible person.
One minute later
Merde.
Neither Masimo OR Dave deserve me.
Two minutes later
I really want to run back and hug Dave and kiss him and say yes and everything and oh my giddy God's pyjamas…
One minute later
I cannot believe I am going to say this but,
I have to dump Masimo.
And I will.
Tomorrow.
And I will plight my troth to Dave the Laugh, like he asked.
Three minutes later
Blimey O'Reilly, what sort of person am I to dump a Luuurve God?!
This is what Dave does to me!!
One minute later
Oh merde, Wet Lindsay will have a field day.
One minute later
Mind you, I won't be the dumpee, which is a plus. And she'll be having my cast-offs. Again!
One minute later
That's quite a good point actually.
Three minutes later
Crikey, just realised I've been crying like a hippo. Thank God no-one can see me. I hope there is no panda eyes at dawn type fiasco.
One minute later
Cor, I look like I've been duffed up by a mascara wand and it's muscly mates!
I must clear up this mess!
Two minutes later
The Ace Gang suddenly appeared, full of sympathy and nice stuff like that. I feel the suspicion of sniffles coming about me again.
Oh sod off tears. I am new Wise Woman (not Wanda). I am winning back Dave the Laugh and he does not deal with snivelling rabbit relations. That is le fact.
One minute later
"You look a state." Jas said. Cheers.
But I am still ignoring her after the 'you are so selfish' ultimate insult. Honestly, who deserts their bestest pally for a) her boyfriend (this has already been discussed) and b) wildlife. Particularly wildlife that secretes pus about its person. Erlack.
One minute later
Rosie has spat on a tissue – a LOT – and is dabbing at my face. I can smell the cheesy treats on her breathe but when I tried to swat her hand away, in a vair kind, appreciative manner, she just hit me on the head. Hard.
Has she been taking notes from Bibs?
Ten minutes later
After telling the Ace Gang about the situation with Dave – whilst ignoring Jas and Ellen, who looked as if she was on the verge of a heart attack – they got me ready for a big snogathon reconciliation i.e. making me look like a Sex Kitty again so Dave wouldn't be able to resist the call of the Specific Horn, no matter what.
Then we set off, all linky-arms, and having a bit of a giggle. Oh, the girls are back in town, beware Frauleins und Herrs!
One minute later
Hmmm, we're all looking for Dave but so far he's been Mr Mysterious…
Five minutes later
Back in toilets, blubbing like Yvonne the Whale.
One minute later
Shall I tell you why?
I shall tell you why.
We were all on the – casual – lookout for Dave, and I was getting a bit desperados, because what if I couldn't find him, because he'd left, and he was really angry at me and never wanted to speak to me ever again?
Well, anyway, I spotted him, in the corner of the room.
With Emma.
Snogging.
There was also a lot more than snogging go on i.e. their hands were, quite literally, everywhere. I felt sick.
Dave looked sort of really angry, not like he was enjoying it, and Emma looked like she was trying to enjoy it, but was drowning instead.
And it really reminded me of the whole Mark Big Gob fandango. Dave looked like he was doing exactly the same.
To tell you the truth, I was scared.
Then, as if he could read my mind or something, Dave looked up and stared right at me, just before my eyeballs fell out. Which would have been a bit messy. And I wouldn't have been able to see. Mind you, that's probably a good thing because-
Shutpushutupshutup!
Anyway, he just looked really angry, and sort of upset.
And that was when I realised how much I'd hurt him, and I felt quite a lot like the anchor that drops when I visit Poo Bay. Which is most definitely where I am now, awash with poo and merde and Scheisse.
Then he shrugged and went back to eating Emma.
Two minutes later
So that is why I am shoved up in Rosie's loo, blubbing for England like a word-class fool.
He's not even my boyfriend!
One minute later
What makes it worse is that it is all my fault.
Two minutes later
Ace Gang trying to get me out
"Gee, please come out? I will give you my beard to cheer you up, and Sven has said he will do a special dance for you?" That was Rosie, although God knows why any of that would persuade me out.
"Georgia, you really are being silly and over-dramatic. There is a big queue for the toilet and everyone's getting annoyed, whilst you're holed up in there creating a drama out of nothing." That was Jas, ex-best pally.
One minute later
I came out of the toilet and threw the bog roll at her, right in the face. And it was extra funny because it was a bit wet on the sides (erlack).
One minute later
Phew, big tension-reliever, is duffing up Jas le Grand Twit.
Two minutes later
The Ace Gang have left me again, on false pretences of getting nibbles to cheer me up. Well, Jas and Rosie are actually by the snack table but I can quite clearly see Jools, Mabs, and Ellen snogging random blokes (well, Jools is snogging Rollo, otherwise there would be words).
One minute later
Blimey, the queue for the toilet is giving me the worst evils. I am sorry, but I am having what one might call a crisis. There is a garden, if you are so desperate.
Oh great, talking to myself again.
One minute later
Whoops, I have just walked into Emma, who is looking oddly giddy and excited.
"Oh, hi Georgia." She tried to smile at me, but the strange thing was it sort of worked, because she was so obviously happy about something. Rub it in why don't you.
God, this is sickening. She is so much prettier than me. She's one of those people that you have to look at twice in the street, that sort of pretty. It's really quite depressing. Her nose is really nice and normal and her smile is really pretty. And no, I'm not on the turn.
And she is so much more slimmer than me! No wonder Dave went out with her. But why an earth he'd ask me to be his One and Only over her I don't know. But I have said it before and I will say it again, boykind are a totaly mystery to Norma Normals like myself.
One minute later
"Listen, Georgia, I know we're not really close or anything…and there's been, well, stuff, between us…Dave, and all of that." Haha, you don't say! "But…well…y'know…can we, er, talk? For a bit? I mean, it won't take long or anything it's just I sort of need some advice, well, not advice, but…well, we're all girls here…" Clearly. "And…well, I just need to chat to someone. I'll be really quick, I promise."
Blimey she is putting Ellen to shame.
But what is she on about?
"Er, sure. Go ahead."
"Okay…"
"Okay."
"Okay…"
Okay already!!
One minute later
"Well…here's the thing…you and Masimo have been going out a while now…and, y'know, your boyfriend and girlfriend and stuff…a couple…" I never know how observant this Emma was. Really. It's like killing yourself slowly. "Okay, well…anyway…have you two ever…y'know…done it?"
Done what? Fishing? Hiking whilst maypole dancing with a llama, cutting Jas' fringe-
WHAT?!
DONE IT?!
"I mean, I wouldn't normally ask but…none of my friends are here and I thought you, of all people, would understand."
I beg her pardon? Did she just very subtly call me a tart of Aphrodite? You of all people?! In the name of Slim's giganticus pyjamas, this is an outrage!
I would get Dave to duff her up but…well…y'know…
"…and me and Dave…we were on a break but then we got back together tonight and we're both ready, I mean, I am, and he is – and he's just gone to get the, er, y'know, stuff…" And she blushed REALLY red then. "But I was just wondering if you had any tips?"
Two minutes later
Any tips?!
10 minutes later
Emma skedaddled pretty quick after I told her me and Masimo had definitely not gone there.
Oh my God, but what if he wants to?
He is an older bloke after all.
Has he done it before?
What if I say no and he thinks I'm wet and pathetic and dumps me for Old Thongy who, in no uncertain terms, would run through the street naked for a Masimo Snog.
Two minutes later
Oh my God, what if Dave and Emma are doing it right now?
One minute later
Get out of my brain, Dave and Emma!
One minute later
Erlack!
One minute later
Why, in the name of Our Lord Sandra, would Emma ask me for advice on that!
And what did she mean 'you of all people'??
Is she implying I am more likely than anyone else to have nipped it in the bud and … y'know…Number 10?!
One minute later
Is that what everyone thinks, that I am a tainted tart?
Oh my God.
Five minutes later
Rounded up the Ace Gang and told them about the situation I was now in. Apart from I left Jas to investigate the dead hedgehog she found outside (I wouldn't put it past her to consider giving it mouth to mouth) because, as from now, ex best pally's need not apply here.
"Crikey, Number 10?!" Jools practically yelled and I had to wallop her one.
"That's a bit nasty, asking you. I mean, everyone knows-" Mabs said, but then fell silent.
One minute later
What is this, Insult Georgia day?! Its coming from every angle, honestly! I need a protection suit of some sort. Like a hedgehog.
One minute later
Mind you, look where he ended up.
One minute later
"Everybody knows what?" I asked Mabs, who looked really uncomfortable. Serves her bloody right.
"Well…just that you and Dave had a thing before, and all. It's like her asking Ellen or something." But you could tell she didn't mean that. What she really meant was everybody knows you and Dave have got a thing going on right now.
But it's not exactly hard to miss, seeing as he snogs me at every given opportunity.
One minute later
Well, he used to.
"Do you want me and Sven to investigate, Gee? We can be super detectives." Ro Ro said, but I said no. Because, erm, well why would I say yes? I don't want details of Dave and Emma getting it on, thankyou very much!
Seven minutes later
Ace Gang conclusion is just to play it cool, as Emma is probably making it up to make me feel jealous, and act as if she's 'bagged the guy'. What she doesn't know is that five minutes before Dave was asking me to be his One and Only!
One minute later
Oh no, I'd just about forgotten about that.
12.12 am
To cheer me up, the Ace Gang (minus Jas, who had scuttled off home like the teacher botty kisser she is) did a brillopads rendition of the Viking Disco Inferno dance. Even without the horns it was hilarious, because there was a lot of botty wiggling and jumping on random people, and a bit of a scuffle broke out between two Foxwood lads who had got a bit too excited over Mabs, who was batting her eyelids like a fish. No pridenosity whatsoever.
The Dame almost ruined it when he slimed over and said, "Do you want some help with those?', looking at my nungas, but I just danced off, exuding glacialosity and tip top casualness. All his lardy mates did that naff 'You just got rejected!' thing and slapped him on the back and said 'Plenty more fish in the sea, mate!'
Très pathetico if you ask me.
One minute later
I can't see Dave or Emma.
Now is that a good thing or a bad thing?
One minute later
Merde, what if they are doing it right now?
I feel sick.
Two minutes later
To be honest, Dave can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants because I already have a boyfriend who luuuurves me and I luuurve him back, and every single girl in Italy and England and also Canada would duff me up just to look at him.
Why did I even consider dumping the Italian Stallion for Dave the Laugh?
Who doesn't even qualify in the Luuurve or Sex God Championships.
One minute later
He was a very close runner up though.
One minute later
Shut up brain! I will never be Kittykat again, and will ignorez-vous Dave good and proper.
He deserves it.
Ten minutes later
I do really like him though. And as a mate as well.
One minute later
Blimey, this emotional work is so tiring. I need a good snog. My lips are getting withdrawal symptoms.
Even though I've already been snogged once tonight.
When I shouldn't have been.
One minute later
Merde.
1.36 am
Oh what larks, Sven has decided to play Go Fish with a real fish. Yes, he actually bought a haddock. It stinks.
But we are also playing Sven's version of Go Fish. Which involves attacking people with the fish and, if they are Rosie, snogging them, with the fish.
I don't really want to know, personally.
One minute later
Erlack, he has shoved the haddock down the front of Ellen's top!
It is pretty hilarious though, she is jumping up and down like a loon and yelling at Sven and also Rosie, who is just wetting herself.
All you can see under her black vest is this odd bump that would be a really weird looking nunga, and the tail of the fish is just peeking out.
It's bloody funny, I can tell you that for free!
2.13 am
Yawn, I am sooo tired!
I have been dancing like a maniac since the dawn of man and I look a state, but we are all settling down for bobo's now. Hmmmm, nice and snugly in my sleeping bag. I managed to bagsy the sofa whilst the rest of the drunken loons have the floor. Teehee, top marks for geniosity!
One minute later
I'm still vair confused about Dave though.
Two minutes later
And Masimo, and Masimo.
2.27 am
Blimey, I really am tired to the max.
But I'll never be able to get to sleep because a) it stinks of fish and b) I'm having a little, sleepy nervy b about this whole Dave the Laugh situation. The whole ridiculous thing is I don't know whether I want to be his One and Only or not, which is ridiclyious to the extreme because he is a mate and a Laugh but not a boyfriend, which I already have, and who is very nice and yummy scrumboes thankyou.
One minute later
I am so jumbled up about it all, I'll never be able to get to…
One minute later
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
3.56 am
Crikey!
It really is stifling in here, did I just wake up in a volcano?!
Bloody hell, I need to get out of this sleeping bag before I melt-
"I'm sorry Emma, really."
Hang on…
Was that...
"Dave, you've said you're sorry for the past 20 minutes. But you never told me why you did it, why you were acting like that." That was Emma.
Blimey, what I have woken up to?
I tried to sort of wriggle out of my sleeping bag whilst looking like I was just sleep-wriggling but I also had to listen in to their conversation. Which is a bit rude I know but this is tip-top information and also rather juicies.
Dave sighed, and my knees went wibbly wobbly. Crikey and beyond.
"It's difficult to explain Emma." God, I just wanted to get up and snog him right now!
No, down Red Bottomosity of the Wold! Back before me, and gird your loins! I am new, revamped, non-Sex Kitty. Unless Masimo is around.
Oui.
"Well if I'm your girlfriend surely you should be able to tell me." Emma sounded like she'd been blubbing. Oh my giddy god's pyjamas…
"I was just...I dont know, upset about something Emma, aright? Please, can we just leave it." Dave said in this really irritated voice, like she was getting on his nerves.
"So, because you were upset about something, it makes it alright for you...to do that...?" Crikey, what did he do to her?
"I didn't do anything Emma, you're making it sound a lot worse than it was."
"Dave!"
"I'm going to bed." I heard him get up, but Emma stopped him, and pulled him back down.
"It's Georgia, isn't it."
Dave stopped breathing. Well, no, I don't mean he literally stopped breathing because that would be a bit silly and he could possibly die because he wasn't breathing and-
Ooooooooooh silly brain conversations again, shut up brain shut up!
"What's Georgia got to do with anything?" He really was Dave the Un-Laugh now. His voice was all dangerous and sort of like a warning. Emma just started to cry again and ran out of the room.
Blimey O'Reilly's undercrackers.
One minute later
Dave actually looks super marvy. I sort of peeked over my sleeping bag and he was sat on the sofa, all moody and running his hands through his hair. He looked quite angry and, to be honest, it sort of gave me the Horn.
Sod it I can't be bothered to ignorez-vous my Red Bottomosity. I'm exhausted and it's too much bother.
One minute later
He stood up so I had to close my eyes again, in case he noticed.
One minute later
Bloody hell, he has just sat down next to me! Well, I'm sort of hogging the whole sofa but there's a little space in the middle and he sat there. What is he doing?!
One minute later
He is stroking my face. Oh, it feels so nice and marvy and he could carry on doing this for years. I wouldn't need food or water because he'd be stroking my face, all nice and strokey strokey.
I hope he doesn't do a Bibs and whack me on the head after a few seconds. That would be pretty scary.
One minute later
He's snogging me!
Not snogging, I mean, he gently kissed me on the lips and I had an absolute complete ditherspaz and accidentally snogged him back, in a sort of mini Number 4 way.
In my defence, I was just acting out of habit.
But I thought Dave was in a huff with me?
Obviously not, yummy snog, snog snog snog, I'm too tired to be doing this but I could snog for England. Wahey!
Dave was vair surprised but kept on snogging me and then it went into a Number 5 and it was beyond marvytastic, and he was sort of pressing me against the sofa and moaning a little bit, moany moan. Blimey!
But then he stopped and I had to pretend I was asleep again.
Oh what larks I really am an idiot of the first waters.
"I know you're awake Georgia."
Ooh, does he know?
½ a second later
Of course he does we just had a mini Snogathon!
"I was actually sleep snogging."
One minute later
Official loon, I know.
Why do I always make a fool out of myself?
One minute later
Dave kissed me again, very softly, on the lips, and I had a severe case of tip top melty knees but then he drew back and when I looked up at him he looked sort of angry.
Uh-oh.
One minute later
"I thought you'd made up your mind." He said, all confused-looking. Stop with the talking, more snogs!
"Er…well...the thing is-"
"Actually, you know what Gee, here's an idea. You just stick with your Handbag Entrepreneur and stop messing me about." And he huffed off!
One minute later
Oh my God.
One minute later
I've really upset him now.
One minute later
I hate myself, I really really hate myself. The lesbian nuns will take one look at me and say "No she's a royal tart and parades her Red Bottom around with gay abandon" and they will reject me from their silly convent just like I accidentally rejected Dave and merde merde merde why do I do this?!
One minute later
I am actually crying now.
One minute later
All on my owney, snivelling in my sleeping bag like a twit.
Everyone else is asleep.
Oh, I feel so alone.
One minute later
I wish Dave would come back.
And not just to snog me.
One minute later
If Dave comes back I promise to plight my troth to him and dump Masimo tomorrow. That is a promise.
4.30 am
Dave isn't coming back.
Dave was a bit unlaughy in this chapter I know, but just hang in there chaps! please r and r cos you love it so!