Goldanna's Grievances
Author's Note: I'm going meta now. And a bit goofy. Because I can. Bwah hah hah...but, seriously, are you going to stop me? (Argh, sorry, formatting for classifieds was completely screwed up!)
Ugh, so some random guy came by today claiming to be my brother. Not sure if he is or not. He certainly doesn't look like me. Knowing my luck of late, it was just a pick up line he used before he decided to abduct me and throw me into a brothel. Seriously. You try to go straight, and this is what you get.
Pretty sure that it wasn't my brother. After all, the only brother I know about is supposedly the son of King Maric. And, you know, if this guy was really a prince, I bet he'd be willing to help out his poor sister. I mean, considering, and all, that my lost-half brother's birth cost my mother her life when I was a little kid and after that I was pretty much forced out on the streets and told to survive by any means necessary because to him. Yeah, if that was my sister, I'd try to help her, were I a prince, rather than waltz into her life with no warning and tell her that I wanted to meet her. After 23 years. Yeah, if I actually have a long-lost brother and he cared about me in the least, I think he'd have been here before now.
Ugh, I should not let things like this upset me. But it hurts every time. I'm trying so hard to be good! I have a steady, if poorly paid job, as a washer woman. I'm doing all right by my kids. I'm really trying. I do not need strangers badgering me every few seconds.
Anyway, speaking of going straight, I should try to practice my reading. I picked up a copy of the Thedas Tattler in the market place today and have been working on sounding out the words. I'd like to read something a bit more interesting once in a while, but let's be frank. I'm a barely paid washer woman, not some sort of fancy lady. It's not like I have a fortune to spend on a tutor or on books! I wish that that stupid blonde man had been my brother. If he were, I bet that he would have been willing to at least give me enough money to hire a tutor for a few hours. Then I could learn to read just that much better and pass the lessons along to my children.
Anyway, I wonder what's in the newspaper today?
I'll be good and start with the more serious articles. There's one on Ostagar. Boring. But I should probably read it to practice my vocabulary. It looks as though it's about whether Teryn Loghain abandoned Ostagar at the right time, or far too late. Widows and orphans of the soldiers dead on the field want to know! Well, I don't blame them. If my son had died there, I'd be pretty angry that Loghain had stood around for hours waiting for a beacon to be lit as they were slowly picked off by darkspawn. Some general he is.
On a more light hearted note, another one of King Cailan's mistresses has come forward. (Although the etching doesn't make her look as pretty as me. Damn it. I should have tried for him when he was at the Pearl last.) She mostly just talked about how sweet and handsome he is, which is kind of boring. I really liked the expose they had on the mistress before her. She discussed all of Cailan's favorite bedroom games and even speculated that the queen had asked Cailan to play "The beautiful queen and her taciturn teryn" (although she never could confirm that such a game had ever existed). It was just so much more sordid. Plus, I think that I'd do a very good job playing "the handsome Ferelden king and his mysterious Orlesian bard". In either role.
Oh, nice! They have poll results again. I voted in this one. It asked which was worse, the Blight or another invasion by the Orlesians. As usual, the Orlesians were considered worse by a good 70% of the respondents. Although that's lower than it was last month, when it was 95% in favor of the Blight.
Hey, at least Hurlocs look scary and monstrous. There is nothing worse than being beaten up by a pretty boy in a mask.
OK, since I deserve it, I'm going to the fashion etchings next. Is it just me, or does Queen Anora always wear the same dress all the time? I'm not sure why they keep posting etchings of her in it. Oh well. According to the text, she just has a few that look the same as it makes getting dressed in the mornings easier. Also, apparently she doesn't think that it's moral to spend a lot of money on fashion when there's a war going on. Anora is kind of a crappy queen. A good queen would always dress like a fashion plate as she'd know that her main job was to look good and produce lots of kids.
I really wish that Anora hadn't declared "I will be Queen, and my Father will rule beside me" at the last Landsmeet. It totally ruined any hope of an awesome royal wedding. I mean, even if they do get married, they're both so stingy that she'll probably just wear that stupid blue dress and Logain would just wear that dingy ancient armor.
Now Lady Habren...that is a woman who always has a new outfit. Unfortunately, she seemed to have chewed the person doing the etchings out before they could get a good one of her newest look. Such a pity. I kind of like her.
Oooh, and then there are the personals! I wonder if I should respond to one with the hope that I could find a nice new husband. The kids could use a father figure, and if I found an intellectual, I could save money on tutoring!
Man for Woman
Sweet man looking for woman who likes to give orders and wants lots of children. Interests include long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, giving you flowers, cuddling, and killing dark spawn.
Looking for a man who will treat you like the nug humping moss licking branco bumping innuendo loving whatever you are? Look no further!
Widower looking for remarriage. Not seriously, as more into job than romance. But my (grown) daughter wants me to stop meddling, so urged me to write this. Whatever.
My older brother thinks that it's time that I marry, so I'm willing to look into it. I'd really rather challenge dwarfs to drinking contests, though, and "hang out" with my sister in law, if you know what I mean, so please be OK with that.
Charming apostate looking for woman interested in that sort of thing. Interests include long walks back to the tower in manacles and very bad puns.
Looking for well, not really looking. But think that my family deserves one person innocent of the harm my father has caused other than my sweet younger sister.
Qunari looking for strong giantess capable of surviving mating. Please be willing to accept loss of soul and honor. I am looking for sword. Will have back soon. Promise.
Woman for Man
Lovely woman looking for male Grey Warden who is not Alistair to father God-child. Other positive qualities desired include ability to be quiet for more than two seconds at a time, greater intelligence than a dog, and lack of that stupid hair cut.
Mature, educated woman looking for man. Interests include good wine and ale, reading, knitting, and nurturing.
Woman for Woman
Fiery redhead looking for gorgeous woman who likes talking and falling asleep on watch. Interests include fashion, story telling, music, and shoes. Will also consider men, but figure that any man who is that interested in shoes is probably gay.
Man for Man
Handsome bachelors, looking for more. Just stop by the best shop for swords in town and we'll be happy to entertain you after work!
Casual Encounters
Handsome (male) elf looking for a good time. Can go all night! Men, women, humans, non-humans, write! It'll be fun!
Gorgeous sea captain looking for a good time while in port. If you show me a good enough time, I might even consider showing you a few of my moves.
Corrections:
Earlier ad Widow Looking for Intelligent Man Who Wants Lots of Children and Likes Following Orders has been deleted. Mail box owner has no interest in marrying again and ad was posted by her father, not by her. Any further responses to ad will be deleted.
Oooh, the sweet man looking for a woman who likes giving orders sounds absolutely perfect! I may have to write back. He sounds like just my type!
Thanks to those who critique! And those who don't, but keep reading this anyway, despite their better judgment. Special thanks to Arsinoe, spotted bunny, Nowshin, ginganinja, Lollytron, badculture, milulu, Victoria, Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna, retroswimsuit, and roxfox for her cheerleading.