Karma

"Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt."
― Jennifer Salaiz

I took a drag. A nice, fucking long drag. I think by now it was pretty obvious I'd taken up smoking again, all because of a woman. A woman did this to me. Unfuckingbelievable. It was so pathetic I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. The first woman I had feelings for and she plays me; it's a blow to my pride. I was cooling down on the balcony, staring into the city lights with a nail driven in my back. I couldn't sleep or even lie on my bed because of her, and it was three in the morning.

I angrily stubbed out the remainder of my cig on the metal railing and went back inside. My phone had been off since I got home, and a part of me wanted to turn it on but the other part decided it would be better to wait until the morning. But then again it was already morning. Fuck it. I turned it back on and waited through the booting screen, aware that I was tapping my foot impatiently. What was I waiting for? An apology from her? I wasn't going to accept it either way. I said I was done and I meant it. The first thing that popped up was 34 missed called and 23 messages. It all met my expectations. She wasn't asleep yet, because the last message was only 10 minutes ago.

So what do I do? I cleared the missed calls, and read the messages one at a time. Something I couldn't help doing. It made me sick, how I'd sunken so low for her, and I couldn't deny that I was hurt to a certain extent. But that was the last time I was admitting to anything.

I know you're mad but please, we need to talk.

11:02pm

Delete.

At least let me explain things, I'm begging you.

11:10pm

Delete.

If you won't see me then at least read what I have to say.

11:15pm

Delete.

It's my fault for not telling you. But I swear on my mother's grave I'm not a liar, everything I've ever said to you is true—

I'd had enough. I deleted everything, the amount of bullshit was making me throw up. I was done. So I collapsed onto my bed and just lay there, staring at nothing, thinking about nothing for the next few hours until the sun began to rise.

No matter how heavy my eyelids felt. Nothing could put me to sleep, even if my body was crying for it. The last time I suffered like this, I could at least squeeze in an hour or two during my lunch breaks. I thought, if this became worse than last time, I'd give in and take the sleeping pills.

Erwin called me, and I didn't have the strength or patience to go through with a Deep and Meaningful with him. Judging by his reaction last night, he knew everything, and now I understood why he was giving me all that shit about it. I was partially annoyed at him, I mean, he could have just told me. But then I guess he never had that right to tell me, it was for Petra to say. And well, she fucked up.

I decided to answer, just to get it over with, but I didn't even try to sound okay.

"What?"

"Man, you don't sound too good," he said, as if last night was a mystery to him. It pissed me off.

"Well fuck, I wonder why. Don't act like a clueless shit," I snapped.

I heard him sigh over the line. And I knew I was just taking it out on him, and I shouldn't be, because I'd been nothing but an asshole to Erwin who was always worrying about me. Yet still, I don't change.

"What did she say?"

"Some crap."

"You're not going to give her a chance to explain?"

"Why should I?" I asked defensively.

"I dunno, maybe she had her reasons."

"Whose fucking side are you on?"

He ignored me. "Did you make her cry?"

"You sure as hell better hope I did."

"Of course, it's you after all."

"Fuck you Erwin."

He chuckled. "Keep saying that and I'll start thinking you really want to."

"I'll kill you."

And it's at times like these I was glad he was my friend. I never liked to admit it, but, there's only one person I would ever have a D & M with. Well not really a D & M, just something close to it. I felt a little better, just a little. But then that stupid boy Eren came knocking on my door, and I was forced to hang up and get on with my day job. It was Eren because only he could knock so frantically and desperately like it was life or death.

I put my phone down and went to open the door. I purposely took my time, even stopping for a moment to check my watch. When I did finally open it, I could have slammed it shut right then. Because it wasn't the scrawny boy and his hot girlfriend that I was expecting, it was the doe-eyed backstabbing—FUCK I couldn't even insult her when she looked at me like that. The mildly good mood Erwin had put me in was gone. Bulldozed away. In an instant. Her eyes were red, she had been crying all night. But what did I care? You reap what you sow.

I made sure the look I gave her was poison. She must be fucking dumb to think I would be calmed down by now. I think I gave her too much credit before, when things were naive.

"Did I not make myself clear last night? Was the wind so loud it blew up your eardrums and now you're deaf as well as dumb?" I kept my voice low, but harsh.

She didn't say anything, just sheepishly reached out her hand to me. I recoiled, like it was toxic, like it could kill me. But I know deep inside I was just terrified of feeling that explosive attraction every time we touched. Then I might recklessly forgive her, and take her, or do something I'd regret. I flipped it all around and brought down all the hate I could muster up. She humiliated me. She lied to me. I opened up to her.

"What are you doing here?"

"I had to, you know I did."

I sniggered. "I can't believe you. How long are you going to keep up with that act? I have things to do, and to think you had the audacity to come into my workplace."

"Sorry."

"You should be."

Petra hung her head. I was getting tired of seeing this disgustingly fake, apologetic side of hers. Yet still, I felt a tiny remnant of guilt. I sighed.

"I'll say it to you once, and once only. There's no point in insulting you, getting you pissed off then having a banter like we always did before. Because it's never going to be that way again."

"If you'd just let me explain things..."

"What is there to explain when you've lied to everyone we know."

Petra looked confused.

"You can fuck me over as much as you want, but you also lied to Eld, and all the people around us that clearly haven't got a fucking clue about your so-called separation with your husband. If you gave me the number to the rest of the people we mutually know, maybe Gunther or Oluo, would they tell me that whatever you say is true? Can they vouch for you?"

She was momentarily shocked. And I knew what it meant. I guess that was it, whatever part of me that hoped for her side to have some kind of validity, was gone. There was some peace to my mind knowing that, at least. "I didn't think so, Petra. You come here knocking on my door, not even a day after you embarrassed me, without even thinking it through. How am I supposed to believe you who just lied to me?"

"What do I have to do to get you to believe me?" she pleaded.

"Nothing, I'll probably never believe you," I shrugged. "I don't know you, and you don't know me. Let's keep it that way from now on, alright?"

And the look on her face. It's so devastated I almost believed it. I couldn't bring myself to hate her, to be honest, I was just really fucking hurt. But I think if I kept seeing her it could happen. Me hating her. In a way I was kind of glad she betrayed me, at least now I had a reason to stop feeling these things I'd never felt before, and get on with my life like how it was. We'd be strangers again, and she could go sleep around with as many guys as she wanted, while lying to them like she did to me. I couldn't care less.

I took one last look at her round face, her big sunlight eyes and the small nose that I was still attracted to. It's the last guilty pleasure I let myself have, before closing the door on her and realizing how deceived I was by lust. I guess in the end, I deserved this.

A bit late but, Happy New Year. It's been an eventful few weeks, and I'm glad it's finally 2014. Hope this year is amazing for you all.