Thanks to everyone that reviewed! Also, I thought I'd mention that most of the action sequences I just copied and pasted from the original script. It can be found on the Internet. I'm here to remix, not spend all of my time typing out elaborate action scenes! And somehow typing (See movie for details) over and over again just took away from the whole story. So anyway, I just thought I mention that. Now on to the incredibly awsome sword fight scene! Remixed of course!
Voice Over: CAPT. Jack creeps into the smithy. It's dark inside, the windows are shuttered against the sunlight, but he can make out the various and assorted works in progress scattered around. An ancient donkey stands harnessed to a huge grindstone, half asleep. A noise startles Jack. He turns and sees the blacksmith slumped soundly asleep in a chair in the corner. His empty rum bottle, the source of the noise, has fallen empty on the ground. Jack approaches him...
CAPT. Jack: Helloooo... (Pokes blacksmith. No reaction.) Is anyone in there? (Pokes harder. Still no reaction.) HEY BUB!!! (Slaps the blacksmith hard across the face. He falls out of his chair and still doesn't awaken.)
Voice Over: Damn, I think he might be dead.
CAPT. Jack: Ewww, yeah I think you might be right. Oh well. Onward and upward to bigger and better things. (Crossing the room, he takes a hammer from it's place on the wall he tries to remove his shackles by placing the chain on the anvil and attempting to bang on them with the hammer. Unfortunately the chain is to short for this to be effective and after a few minutes he tosses the hammer over his shoulder and looks around the room for other options. With an evil glint in his eye he spies the gears attached to the grindstone, which is attached to the donkey, which is next to a furnace with red hot pokers. He walks over and picks on up, looking at the donkey contemplatively.)
Voice Over: Don't you even think about it.
CAPT. Jack: You know, you are quickly going from a "likable voice in my head" to a complete pain in the buttocks.
Voice Over: I can't help it! I'm a member of PETA!
CAPT. Jack: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals?
Voice Over: Well, People Eating Tasty Animals, but still! Isn't there some other way to make him go besides sticking him with a hot poker?!
CAPT. Jack: Fine... (He takes up position behind the donkey and starts waving his arms) Giddy-up! (No response) Yeah-ha! (No response) Anchors away? (No response) May the Force be with you?! (No response) Oh for crying out loud, are you sure I can't just us the poker? The whelp will be here any minute.
Voice Over: No poker. Have you considered just asking him nicely to move?
CAPT. Jack: (Sarcastically) No, actually. I had not contemplated politely asking the jackass to move but I shall do so at once! (Approaches the donkey's head and bows) Pardon me Mr. Jackass, but would you terribly mind walking forward a few paces so that I may remove these shackles? They really are horribly uncomfortable, and I would consider it a personal favor if you would do so immediately.
(The donkey instantly starts to walk forward and the gears of the grindstone creak into motion)
CAPT. Jack: Don't say a word.
Voice Over: Wouldn't dream of it.
(Quickly, CAPT. Jack throws his chains over the gears and a few seconds later is free. Just in time too, because as the chains snap he hears the door open. Quickly Jack hides as Will Turner enters the smithy.)
Will: Whoa there...(He brings the donkey to a halt, stroking his nose gently. He then looks over to the Blacksmith, who is still lying on the ground) Well, not quite were I left you, but close enough. (He looks over as sees the hammer laying on the ground where Jack threw it) But not at all where I left you...DARN YOU GREMLINS! (He stalks over to it and bends to pick it up, out of the shadows a sword slaps down on his hand.)
CAPT. Jack: Easy there, mate. You really didn't think it was grimlins that moved that hammer, did you?
Will: Oh, err, no. Of course not. Hey, you're the one you're looking for. The pirate.
CAPT. Jack: Really? You think? (Jack looks closer at Will) Say you look familiar. Have I threatened you before?
Will: I've made a point of avoiding familiarity with pirates.
CAPT. Jack: Are you sure? Because I know I've seen you before. Have you ever been to Tortuga?
Will: No, can't say that I have...
CAPT. Jack: Singapore maybe?
Will: Nope.
CAPT. Jack: Hang on a second, it's right on the tip of my tongue... How about that island with the cannibals?
Will: You know, I really don't get out that much.
CAPT. Jack: Yeah, you're right. Unless of course your father was a member of the pirate crew that mutinied against me, stole my ship, marooned me on a island to die, then foolishly stole a chest of Aztec gold and became the cursed undead or something.
Will: Ha! What are the chances of that happening? Hahahaha!
CAPT. Jack: About the same as you and Elizabeth having a happily ever after.
Will: (Stops laughing and grabs a sword) That reminds me, you threatened Miss Swann.
CAPT. Jack: Yeah I did, as a matter of fact. But what you really need to be jealous over is me ripping her clothes off.
(In response, Will assumes an en garde position. Jack appraises him, unhappy to see Will knows what he's doing. The pirate captain attacks. The two men stand in one place, trading feints, thrusts and parries with lightning speed, almost impossible to follow. Will has no trouble matching Jack.)
CAPT. Jack: You know what you're doing, I'll grant you that. By the way, how'd you learn swordsmanship anyway? You're a civilian with a drunk master and last I checked just because you can make a sword doesn't mean you can use one. So how'd you do it?
Will: Oh that was I easy. I just completed Captain Hector Barbossa's "100 Steps To Becoming A Professional Swordsman And All Around Hero". Now available in paperback! (Will pulls a copy out of nowhere and hands it to Jack.)
CAPT. Jack: (Looks at it in disdain) Typical. Well your form's good enough, but how about your footwork? If I step here...(He takes a few steps over. Will matches him) Good! And I step again... (Will matches him step for step) And you do the hokey poky and you turn yourself about?
Will: (Completes the dance with a flourish) That's what it's all about!
CAPT. Jack: Ta-da! Excellent work! Now if you'll excuse me...(Jack turns and heads for the door)
(Will throws his sword, intending for it to bury itself in the door and block Jack's exit. The sword misses and falls to the ground.)
CAPT. Jack: That was so almost awesome.
Will: Hang on, hang on...(Picks up another sword and throws again. It misses completely)
CAPT. Jack: I'm still leaving...
Will: Once more! (He throws on more sword. It hits Jack squarely on the head, his hat falls to the floor.)
CAPT. Jack: You know, I was going to walk out that door and leave you alone. But then you had to go and KNOCK MY HAT OFF. LOOK AT IT! IT'S JUST LYING THERE ON THE FLOOR!!!
Will: Sorry.
CAPT. Jack: Sorry? SORRY? MY HAT IS LYING IN THE DUST AT MY FEET AND ALL YOU CAN MANAGE IS "SORRY"?!?!
Will: Uh...sorry?
CAPT. Jack: That's it, screw the rest of the movie! YOU'RE GOING DOWN WHELP!
Will: Who are you calling "whelp"....PIRATE!!!
( Eyes on Jack, Will picks up a new sword. Jack leaps forward. Will and Jack duel. Their blades flash and ring. Suddenly, Jack swings the chain still manacled to his left hand at Will's head. Will ducks it, comes up wide-eyed. Then Jack's chain smashes across Will's sword, disarming him. Will quickly picks up another sword. Jack becomes aware that the entire room is filled with bladed weapons: swords, knives, boarding axes in various stages of completion.)
CAPT. Jack: Wow, I'm guessing that you make all of these?
Will: Yes! And I practice with them three hours a day! Plus an extra session on the weekends.
CAPT. Jack: You really, really, really need a hobby mate. I personally collect navigational charts to really weird places and am thinking about breaking into Undead Monkey Shooting.
Will: Well I used to collect spooky looking gold medallions but that's not really a hobby you can meet people doing, you know?
CAPT. Jack: Yeah I know what you mean. But you really need to find yourself a girl, mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet.
Will: (Blank look) Once I figure out what the heck a strumpet means I might decide to be insulted.
Voice Over: Oh you'll probably be insulted, but not as much as when he calls you a eunuch.
CAPT. Jack: Oh, great. It's back.
Will: What do you mean "he calls me a eunuch"? I AM NOT A EUNUCH!
CAPT. Jack: Are you sure?
Will: I practice three hours a day so that when I meet a pirate ... I can kill it!
(They continue their sword fight jumping onto a cart that sways under them; Will hooks a knife in the irons hanging from Jack's left wrist and throws it up so it is embedded in the beam above, in return Jack hits a loose board which throws Will off the cart; Jack uses his body weight to get the knife out of the wood and falls back on the cart just as Will climbed back on; Will is thrown up into the rafters and cuts free a heavy sack which vaults Jack up into the rafters as well; they fight, jumping from beam to beam; Jack loses his weapon and blinds Will with sand; takes out his pistol while Will protects his eyes)
Will: Hey! Pftflll! Pftllll! You cheated!
CAPT. Jack: Duh! I'm a pirate!
(They hear soldiers trying to break down the door)
CAPT. Jack: Okay, it's been fun but you need to move now.
Will: Not a chance!
CAPT. Jack: Please?
Will: Nope.
CAPT. Jack: Pretty please with sugar on top?
Will: I can't just step aside and watch you walk out that door! I'd look like the biggest coward in history! I wouldn't be able to get a date with that ugly bar maid, let alone Elizabeth!
CAPT. Jack: You've got a point. But you see, I'm saving this one shot for my revenge on Barbossa. The mutinous first mate that abandoned me on a island.
Will: I can understand your dilemma, but I can't let you escape.
Mr. Brown the Blacksmith: Why don't I just magically wake up and hit you over the head with my rum bottle?
CAPT. Jack: Wait a sec, you're not dead?
Mr. Brown: Nope.
Will: That sounds like a pretty good solution to me.
Mr. Brown: Okay! (Whacks Will over the head)
Will: HIM! You're supposed to hit HIM!
Mr. Brown: Oh, sorry...
CAPT. Jack: I don't think this is the ideal remedy-
(Mr. Brown hits CAPT. Jack over the head with his bottle. The brave captain falls to the ground unconscious while Norrington and his men crash through the door)
Norrington: Excellent work, Mr. Brown. You've assisted in the capture of a dangerous fugitive.
Mr. Brown: Sweet, do I get a reward?
Norrington: Uh, no. No reward. Just my hearty thanks.
Mr. Brown: So is your hearty thanks worth anything on the open market?
Norrington: I don't usually attach monetary value to a thank you...
Mr. Brown: How about eBay?
Norrington: What? No! YOU CAN'T SELL MY THANK YOU ON EBAY!
Mr. Brown: Well screw this, if I'd known that I would have let the guy go! FLY SPARROW! LIKE THE WIND!
CAPT. Jack: asldknf;osidknvaskdfj;lsdfjsodf (Concussed)
Will: Wow.
Norrington: Yeah...I'm going just going to...uh..take him to prison now. I'll see you tomorrow when you throw an axe through my favorite and very expensive map.
Gillette: What you guys didn't understand that? He just said that he needed to use the restroom and would like a bottle of rum when he gets to his cell.
Will: ...
Norrington: ...
Will:...Yeah prisons probably a good idea. Oh and I'm sorry about the whole "axe in the map" thing.
Norrington: You get the girl at the end of the movie and yet you're choosing to apologize for the map?
Will: Well I'm sorry about the map.
Norrington: And on that note I'm just go to take my prisoner and leave.
Will: Don't forget to say you're favorite line.
Norrington: Favorite line? Oh yeah! Well, I trust you will always remember this as the day that Captain Jack Sparrow almost escaped.