Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot line; the characters belong to S Meyer. All lyrics belong to their respective writers/artists.
AN: So I am officially on holiday, woo! And apparently I don't have as much free time as I'd thought so posting may not be as frequent as I'd hoped so sorry about that. This is a few weeks after the last chapter.
EPOV
I wish you hadn't followed me home the other week sweetheart, now everything's different. I mean, we do the same things, talk about the same things, love the same way but the same things feel a little emptier, there's a weird tone in our conversation and our love feels different. It hurt you that I had to turn you away and I'm so, so fuckin' sorry about that love but I don't know what else you expected me to do. I can't even understand why you fuckin' followed me there in the first place!
And now you're far from me, I can feel this fissure growing between us and I have no fuckin' clue why or how to fix it. I can feel you pulling away darlin' and I won't allow it, just tell me how to fix it. You were my mad little lover and now it feels like you're just going through the motions. You told me you'd stick by me through the thick and through the thin, those were your very words and now you are so far from me.
I feel like I'm losing my mind gorgeous, Alice is up and down at home because of the hormones and now you're acting so strange. I would talk to you of all matter of things and with a smile you would reply but then the sun would leave your pretty face and you'd retreat from the front of your eyes. It's like you're gone love, here in body but not in mind and I need your mind darlin' it's so precious to me. In my world, a world where everybody fucks everybody else over, you were the light and now you're dimming. Please tell me why.
For you dear, I was born. For you I was raised up. For you I've lived and for you I will die. For you I am dying now, I can feel it beautiful; my heart beats less forcefully without you to keep it going. I've tried everything I can think of to get a reaction from you and you try to be here, try to respond, but it's short lived and you back down. You were my brave-hearted lover, so full of passion and fight but now you're meek and mild and it's so fuckin' infuriating because I don't know why.
I'm no good at guessing games honey, I'm a man, I need straight answers not yeses mean no and silly hinting games. Just tell me what's wrong, let me love you, you are so far from me. The tiny crack has grown in to a chasm and it's swallowing us whole, we'll die her darlin' if you don't show me how to get us out. You're silence is a heavy blanket smothering us and suffocating our love, can't you feel it?
Even now when you're sleeping next to me there's a slight frown on your face where there used to only be peace. I take a little comfort in the fact that your delicate fists are clenched around my t-shirt and your leg is pinning me in place, at least your subconscious wants me to know you still want me.
Sometimes, when we're together like this, late at night when everyone always lets their 'what ifs' out I think about what it would be like if Alice wasn't my wife. If it was just the two of us, how different our lives would be. My mother would adore you that's for sure and my dad's a massive pervert so I'm pretty sure he'd love you too. We could have had a family if I'd met you first; you'd be such an amazing mother and our children would be gorgeous. Tears start to form at the thought of what you'll never have and I shut my thoughts down. I shouldn't think like this, it isn't fair to Alice or to you. I guess this whole situation isn't but I don't make the rules love, you're my heart and Alice is my wife and that's just the way it is.
We jump as you're phone starts to ring, it's an out of state number but you don't recognise it. Your voice is thick with sleep and confusion when you answer. I watch as your eyes fill up and the tears spill over on to your pale cheeks, your voice catches in your throat and your grip loosens on the phone. I catch it before it smashes on the floor and put it to my ear; I can already feel cold dread welling up inside me after seeing your reaction.
"Miss Swan did you hear me? Hello?" It's a female voice full of concern but you're in no state to answer her. I pull you in close as a high pitch keening starts in your delicate throat and your tears soak in to my clothes.
"Miss Swan seems to be a little bit in shock, can you tell me what the problem is?" She hums and hars and twitters on about protocol and data protection and just as I'm about to lose my patience she makes up her mind.
"I'm afraid I have some terrible news, it's her mother, Miss Swan's mother. She was in an accident in the early hours of yesterday morning and didn't make it through surgery. I am so sorry for your loss."
Oh sweetheart, I'm so, so sorry.