A/N – I don't know what this is. Forgive me. Not sex issues (they will come soon need not worry). Also if you are a diehard fan of 50 shades of Grey do NOT read.

"Tell me again why we're doing this?" Kol asks disgruntled as he plops onto the couch swinging his feet of the side and fixes her with his amused glare.

"Well because we all should do something together" Caroline argues flashing her best smile.

"We have dinner together, every day" Rebekah points out.

"Yes but that doesn't count" Caroline hastily says "Some kind of family activity and since you all turned down my idea of going to Disneyland"

"I'm not going to that blasted place, I'm not a child" Kol threatens again, afraid that Caroline's pouting lower lip and wide innocent eyes might melt Elijah's stern decision.

"Well technically you actually aren't a..." Klaus starts with an evil grin on his face but is immediately cut off by Kol.

"Oh shut your hole Nik" he hisses

"Don't speak to your brother like that" Elijah chastises and after he puffs the front of his suit jacket for the effect and all that jazz and turns to Caroline and says "Go on Caroline."

"You would love princessland Bekah" Caroline bribes suddenly, turning her baby face to the other blonde who stutters wildly turning to her brothers for help.

"Don't listen to that Bekah" Klaus chides ignoring Caroline's narrowed eyes aimed at his head "You've seen real princesses, you don't want to see vaginaland"

"What land now" Kol pipes up a boyish twinkle in his eyes

"Not what you're thinking" Klaus says but it goes unnoticed

"Tell me more about this land" Kol demands of Caroline who's fuming at the term to begin with.

"Enough" Elijah's voice resonates "Kol shut it, Klaus think about our brothers addictions before you speak and Disneyland" the way he says the word with complete distaste isn't lost on anyone "Is out of the question, both of you" he glares at both the blondes.

Caroline sadly nods widening her eyes at him at a last attempt and he only scoffs, Rebekah is still confused between being intrigued by princessland and repulsed by whatever deemed Nik to call it vaginaland.

"So since that got vetoed" Caroline continues bitterly "I thought we should start a book club"

They're all blinking at her like she just asked them to wear their 70's clothes and go disco dancing.

"Correct me if I'm wrong but I assumed outside people are included in a book club" Elijah points out wisely

"Yes" Klaus adds a little too enthusiastically "And no one likes us. I mean no one likes us." He waves his hand to include himself, Kol and Rebekah "Everyone likes the two of you"

Caroline shrugs her shoulders and actually takes it as a compliment while Elijah does nothing.

"What... people like me" Rebekah defends

"Even we don't like you Bekah" Kol snorts causing her to whack him on the back of his head.

"We don't need a group, just us. We'll all read a book together and talk about it" Caroline says chirpily

"If I stop teasing you and Nik about all the monkey noises you make will you not make me do this" Kol begs of her but she senses he's more teasing than he is genuine.

Klaus turns to glare at his annoying brother before he ends up with a cheeky grin of his face. And now it was the big bad hybrids turn to get whacked on the back of his head.

"No seriously" Kol continues "They sound like two Rhesus monkeys fighting over the last fruit. Exactly how delicious is that fruit?" he adds devilishly.

"Do you want me to dagger you...

"Oh Kol you are disgusting..."

"Do you even think before you..."

"Do not make me get up" Elijah booms authoritatively as he folds his hands over his legs and glares at everyone on their feet "Klaus put Kol down and take that pencil out of his head and Kol stop making those hand gestures. I may not be a man-whore like you but I understand what it means"

Once they've all done as he demands and Klaus is seated far away from Kol; Caroline right next to him with his arm around her possessively.

"So like I was saying I was thinking we could read this book" Caroline stumbles on holding up a big book in Klaus's face.

"I've heard or that book" Rebekah quips excitedly as she grabs the book from Klaus's hand "It's supposed to be really good"

"Can we please?" Caroline asks innocently turning to look at Elijah, her head tilted and her eyes wide as she stuck her lower lip out in the most adorable pout known to man.

Everyone does what he says. Despite all the siblings complaining and whining no one absolutely no one disobeys Elijah.

"I suppose it would be better than watching Gossip Girl" Elijah says in finality; Kol grumbles to himself angrily, flipping Elijah the bird when he thinks he isn't looking –he gets a vase in his face for that – Elijah is always looking, Klaus sighs and shakes his head cursing his brother's weak resolve when faced with a pleading Caroline – not that he himself had developed any resistance to it, but Elijah was supposed to be the strongest of the lot, Rebekah smiles happily as she grabs the bag by Caroline's feet and distributes one to everyone and Caroline well Caroline smirks contently as she tucks her feet below her and makes herself comfortable on Klaus's chest.

A few hours and couple (read-3 bottles of Vodka) later; Kol's eyes are wide in half disbelief and half amusement as if he's just read about Peter Pan picking up the incredible Hulk to beat the living crap out of Iron Man, Klaus eyes are narrowed dangerously as he reads the book, his classic 'What is this fuckery?' look etched on his ludicrous face, Rebekah seems torn between laughing and actually asking her brothers if any of this is possible, Elijah is his usual calm self, not a single emotion on his face as he turns another page of '50 shades of Grey'. Caroline is multi-tasking reading and taking turns to stare at everyone, truly horrified by what she has put them through.

Finally someone says something.

"Anyone have the urge to drain Ana dry?" Kol asks like he's asking for an apple.

"Oh god yes"

"Thank you!"

"Why weren't you this receptive to have sex with me on the first dates?" Klaus asked Caroline suddenly

"Well... because" she sputters "You kidnapped me for our first date"

Klaus stares at her like she just asked him to donate his liver "And you don't call this kidnapping?" he shakes the book in her face and she frowns involuntarily, he might be slightly right. If any man had stuffed her in a helicopter and educated her on his 'room of pain' she would have screamed bloody murder before he could say 'baby'.

"If she says oh my one more time I'm going to pull my hair out" Rebekah screams a while later on the verge of literal tears.

"Are all prudes this annoying?" Kol chides and receives no answer as everyone is too busy trying not to gag.

"I'm sorry..." Klaus mutters dazedly after some more time and 5 more vodka bottles "Did she... is that... can?"

"Listen people if I can't make someone come from drooling on their breasts then no one can" Kol declares like its law "Not even in fiction"

Rebekah still looks purely horrified while Caroline is blushing crimson red – and let it be known that vampires can't blush – while Klaus and Kol keep on a commentary on Ana's easy surrender and Christian's magical tongue.

"That is just not possible, like no..." Rebekah says softly.

"Let's test that shall we..." Klaus pipes as he slaps his hand on Caroline's left breast and starts squeezing.

"Hey! Klaus stop groping me" Caroline shrieks trying to wrench his hand away with all her strength but then again – she's a baby and he's ancient – and he barely even notices her hand as he continues his ministrations, a crease of determination on his forehead and Kol sniggers happily while Rebekah closes his eyes.

Elijah is still reading.

"I'm trying to test a theory here" Klaus says childishly.

"Your family is right here" Caroline points out desperately wriggling away from him.

"Oh please, like they haven't heard you screaming like a –" Klaus snorts

"Rhesus monkey Nik, Rhesus monkey" Kol supplies helpfully.

"Klaus stop molesting her, Kol stop filming them and Rebekah open your eyes. Back to reading" Elijah instructs and everyone stills surprised and goes back to reading instantly.

"Would you have given into me earlier if I had walked into your bedroom and tied you to your bed?" Klaus asks genuinely looking at Caroline skeptically who rolls her eyes.

"No, because she's not a self–pitying, self-deprecating annoying pain in the ass" Rebekah answers for her.

"Coitus interruptus" Kol barks wildly thrashing around in his seat, shaking with laughter "Coitus interruptus... Coitus interruptus... Coitus interruptus!"

"I need to teach this man something about bondage" Klaus says bitterly

"I would like to meet her inner Goddess and slap her senseless" Kol adds in a growl

"I thought I was the definition of submissive and even I can tie up the big bad wolf" Caroline blurts before thinking causing Rebekah to giggle hysterically, Klaus to smirk, Kol to whistle and even Elijah paused from non-stop reading to raise a brow.

"Behold the only person allowed to tie Nik up" Kol teases and Caroline attempts to hide herself behind Klaus who looks like Christmas came early.

"Is that why I can't find my torture chains" Rebekah quips mischievously and Caroline's face is somewhere in the vicinity of Klaus's lower back attempting to dig herself a hole straight through the couch to China.

A few more minutes later Kol literally, actually gets up from his seat and walks to the wall behind, placing his hand on opposite sides and bangs his head on it repeatedly.

"I don't think I'm sweet enough?" Rebekah recites incredulously "Is this the actual sentence?"

"Please tell me I've never said something like that" Caroline begs of Klaus fearfully.

"Sweetheart, unlike them we talk less and do more" Klaus assures her.

By the time they've reached the point where they all want to stop reading and go watch a nice porn movie, they all take turns staring at Elijah hoping he will give any indication of hating it as much as they do. But when they get none they plough on the last few pages, skipping paragraphs at a time.

"This is supposed to be an erotica" Rebekah complains and Kol laughs so hard that he actually falls off the couch.

Thankfully by the grace of the almighty and all that is right and just in this world they're at the ending, and each of them has a relieved grin on their face as they read about Ana breaking down and slam the book shut.

Caroline squeaks in surprise when she see's Elijah staring at her heatedly, his hands shivering and his face stony.

"That is the most terrifying thing I have ever read" he says through clenched teeth.

"I'm sorry" she replies meekly

"Wait, I thought you didn't hate it" Rebekah says confused and Elijah looks at her like she just asked him to burn his suits.

"I despised it, just didn't waste time chatting like you all. I actually read it twice"

"Why?" is the unanimous question.

"I wanted to make sure I actually read it and not imagined it the first time around"

"Well..." Klaus says fleetingly, the only things on his mind were – testing the breasts appreciation theory and put to use Rebekah's chains.

"Well..." Caroline says timidly "There are actually two sequels to this bo-"

"Let's go to Disneyland" Klaus announces springing to his feet instantly

"Disneyland it is" Elijah agrees getting up and straightening his jacket.

And the next thing they know they're being pushed out the door bags in hand and jet on the wait as Rebekah claps her hands gleefully and Caroline stumbles around confused.

"I need some information on this vaginaland you mention Nik" Kol demands as soon as he hops in the front seat next to the driver.

"It's not what you think" Klaus repeats distracted by a far more urgent task at hand – literally.

"Klaus stop it" Caroline warns trying to bat his hand away "You can fondle my breasts for an hour if you want but I'm not going to come"

"No really... vaginaland?" Kol presses and Rebekah scoffs

"Oh Kol think of something else once..."

"It's not what you think..."

"It's girly paradise..."

"Shut up all of you" Elijah yells stuffing his face in a thick old book.

"Elijah... are you reading the Bible?" Klaus asks after having rubbed his eyes thoroughly.

"I need to renew my faith after reading that atrocity"

"Porn would be faster..."

"Jesus Kol"