Burning tears plaster my face and splash onto the metal floor. I can barely see because my eyes are drowning and I can barely talk because my throat is swollen from crying, so instead I just scream and kick but it's no use. I scream as loud as physically possible until my throat is dry and hors and I am coughing and spluttering. "Stop!" I yell, my voice distorted and garbled. "Please!" I scream. Hot shivers run down my back, uncontrollable shakes take over my arms. I can hardly breathe. "Please! She didn't do anything!" It's as if no one can her me. The guard's hands remain fixed tightly around my arms no matter how much I struggle. Soaked in sweat and tears; burning with regret and anger; shaking with terror. "Stop!" I cry over and over again but no one listens. I watch as they escort my mother into the airlock. "Please! I'm begging you, don't do this!" Tears slide over my lips and into my mouth, the salty taste reminding of stories I'd heard about the ocean. I wriggle desperately to get free from the guard's grip but it's hopeless. Everything right now is hopeless. From the corner of my blurry vision I can see Bellamy in his new janitor clothes leaning against a wall, tears roll quietly down his face. "Bellamy do something!" I scream at him but he ignores me. "Bellamy help her!" He looks at me with tear-filled eyes. "I'm sorry O, there's nothing I can do" his words are shaky and unstable and I can tell that he's about to break down. "You're a monster!" I shriek at the top of my voice. "You're a murderer!" I shout at Jaha but he shows no sign of emotion. He nods towards a guard and the guard presses a button to seal the air-lock doors. My mother's eyes are brimming with water yet she forces a weak smile at me and Bellamy. She rests an unsteady hand on the glass door as if reaching out for us. "Be strong!" she calls out loudly so we can hear her through the doors. "No!" I screech. The tears fall harder and faster down my face. "Please! Let her go!" I cry however my words are scarcely understandable as they are being drowned out by my violent sobbing. I fight and kick as much as can, determined to get closer to my mother. "Do it" orders Jaha in an emotionless voice. The guard presses a red button on the wall and a fierce alarm blares. The last thing I see is a pained, sad smile on my mother's face before the air-lock opens and she is propelled aggressively into space. "No!" I scream louder than I ever did before. "Mom!"

I bolt upright rapidly. My heart slams inside my chest and I'm gasping for air. Cold beads of sweat glide down my forehead. The fire is all burnt out so the only light comes from the moon that glows mysteriously in the inky sky. Lincoln is still heavily asleep next to me on the forest floor; his eyes fidget under his eyelids as he dreams. I scan my surroundings to remind myself where we are but it's hard to see when there's no light. If I squint I can just about see Arkadia looming in the distance and me and Lincoln are tucked on the outskirts of the woods like we used to. I breathe a small sigh of relief as I'm brought back to reality and away from the hideous nightmare. When we first landed on the ground I had those nightmares constantly- dreams of the day my mother died- but it's been almost 4 months since I'd had one. I had started to think that things were getting better but apparently I was wrong. It's my fault that she's dead. If I was never born then she and Bellamy could have lived happily but I ruined their lives. It's because of me that she had to give up everything, she sacrificed so much for me and I ended up getting her killed.

I attempt to hoist myself of the forest floor but it proves more difficult than it used to be. The large bump is getting so heavy that I can hardly lift myself of the ground. It's weird to think that it's been 7 months since I found out I was pregnant. Eventually I manage to struggle to my feet and I start to plod deeper into the forest, I don't care what Bellamy says-if I want to leave the camp then I'm going to. The woods are even darker than I imagined but I can just about navigate my way around until I find the place I'm looking for. I continuously reach out for the trees to help me balance as I precariously try to step over roots and rocks and I fumble through the low-hanging branches. I've travelled for over 40 minutes when I finally reach my destination and it looks exactly the same as when I last saw it, a fence made from scrap metal, wood, ropes, seatbelts and other junk we could find; the floor is now blanketed in grass but still has pieces of wood from our tents and metal from our weapons strewn across it; lastly in the centre stands the peculiar structure made from metal with a large red curtain hanging over the door-the drop ship. In the night everything about this place is quiet and peaceful but I can remember a time when there was chaos and we were fighting a war, however I will never stop loving it. The cool night air plays with my hair and the fabric of my clothes causing me to head inside the drop ship for warmth. I pull back the red curtain and climb up the rusty ramp with one hand resting on my bump. Inside everything is dark but I can still see well enough. I carefully step across the floor and work my way towards the panelled walls, there's still scratches and dents from the many fights in here, most of them I don't even know how they were caused. I trace all the marks on the wall with my finger, near the top of the wall are two initials engraved into the metal, one says J.J and the other says M.G. Jasper Jorden and Monty Green. In the darkness I smile. I can remember when they were inseparable, when they would high five each other and throw food into each other's mouths but now they rarely speak; Jasper still blames Monty for the death of Maya. I miss the times when I would wake up to hear their laughter, or hear Bellamy and Clarke arguing despite knowing that they're the only one each other really cares about. I miss seeing Raven come up with crazy inventions and watching her run around camp trying to scavenge parts. I miss seeing white flowers hidden for me by Lincoln and sneaking out to see him. I didn't appreciate how lucky I was back then, none of us did.

Suddenly I feel the bump move as if it's trying to get my attention. I run my hands along my rounded torso in an attempt at comforting it in some way. Quietly I whisper to it- I don't know why because no one is around to hear me anyway. "I'll never let anything happen to you" I say gently. "I know that there are so many bad and cruel things that have affected us and changed us, but I will never let anything like that happen to you, I promise" Since landing on the ground I've been criticised, beaten up, fought in war, judged by others and I'm still trying to find my place in this world. I'm not skaikru and I'm not trikru but I swear that I will never let any of that happen to my little monster. I don't care whether I keep it or not because no matter whom it belongs to, I swear to protect it. "Even if I give you away, I will always keep you safe you hear me?" I whisper "Always."

When I'm done looking around the interior of the drop ship, I carefully cross the camp and begin heading back, when something catches my eye. Kneeling on the dirt in the grave yard outside the wall is a blonde girl, dressed head to toe in grounder gear. "Clarke?" I say into the dark. She looks up from starring at the ground and raises an eyebrow at me. "What are you doing here Octavia?" she asks sounding slightly tired. "I could ask you the same question" I say in response. She sighs and runs a hand a long her forehead to sweep away any stray hairs. When I look at where she is sitting I realise she is sitting at the foot of grave near a tree and I know whose it is. "Wells" she says. "I came to visit Wells" her voice is almost sad and she sounds exhausted. She looks away from me and stares at his grave. "I bet he would barely recognise me right now" she says. "He used to be such an important part of my life but I haven't thought about him in months, it's like I've killed so many people that I've started to forget about the ones I didn't- the ones that actually meant something to me." She doesn't cry but somehow this is worse, her silent sadness is much harder to understand. She just sits there staring at his grave with her hands crossed in her lap. "So why did you come to see him after all this time?" I ask wearily- not wanting to touch a nerve. I slowly creep towards her so I can hear her better. "When I came back I wanted to tie up all the loose ends that I had left in Arkadia and that included here. That included Wells and Charlotte and Dax and Sterling and Roma and Connor and Miles…" she takes a breath before continuing "All the people I had almost forgotten about." She says. I don't know what to say, she didn't kill all those people but there are a few she's responsible for and many she knew rather well. "We all have guilt Clarke, and we've all killed people." I respond knowing that I'm probably not the best person to make her feel better considering I still haven't really forgiven her myself. "There are so many deaths in this world that it's hard to keep track and it's not your fault for forgetting some of them. Do you think I can remember the faces of the guards I killed in mount weather?" I say. She turns her head over her shoulder to look me in the eye. "That's different" she says "You didn't know any of them. Miles was my friend, Charlotte was just a kid, Dax was only trying to help his family and Wells was like a brother to me. I told him everything, I trusted him, I relied on him, I loved him like family yet the past few months I haven't even thought about him" I stare at her and suddenly I think of my Mom, I remember the dream I had not long ago and it occurs to me that that was the first time I had thought about her since god knows how long. She raised me and yet there is always something more important to be doing than thinking of her. How did that happen? How did I just stop thinking about the woman who gave up her life for me?

I carefully approach Clarke and rest a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry" I say. "I'm sorry for being so hard on you when you came back". She pulls herself onto her feet and turns around to look at me. She forces a smile and then wraps her arms around my neck in a hug. "You were protecting your brother. He's lucky to have you" she says. I laugh and pull away from the hug. "He's lucky to have you too" I say. With that we start walking back through the woods to Arkadia and my opinion on Clarke has changed, I no longer hate her for leaving my brother, I just empathise with her. She has lost so much like the rest of us but she still has the strength to come out here and face her demons.