11: Clemency
Morgana's lungs felt like they were on fire as her head pounded with a monstrous headache. Visions of her past life were clicking into place, filling an empty space within her mind that she hadn't realized was even there. In seconds she felt her previous confusion, her obsession, her hatred, and her loneliness. Her heart began to ache at the emptiness of it all. She also felt the hope, the happiness, and the comfort of friends she'd gained in her new life. All these emotions and memories crashed upon her, leaving her dazed. It wasn't until her eyes landed on Merlin that she stilled.
Fear gripped her as she realized where she was and just who she was with. Merlin was closest to her, his hand slightly raised. Arthur, Gwen, Freya, and the Knights of the Round Table stood behind him, all of them eyeing her warily. Morgana's gaze lingered on Gwaine, her heart slightly clenching in conflicting emotions.
She'd killed him. She had immediately regretted it, only realizing after watching him fall beneath her blade that she would miss the gallant hero. It had been too late for her then but fate seemed to be giving her a second chance now – except Gwaine was staring at her just as cautiously as the others, his eyes speaking loud and clear: you killed me… I don't think I can trust you.
Why did that hurt so much?
Time seemed to stand still as she sat there staring up at all the people whom she used to hate. How odd it was; now that she'd lived a decent life in this century she didn't desire to hurt any of them. She suddenly realized why that might be. She didn't have magic this time and she hadn't grown up in the home of Uther Pendragon. She had been raised by her single mother until she'd died a year ago to cancer.
Noticing Merlin's hand was still raised, she felt herself growing angry. "For heaven's sake, lower your hand, Merlin. I'm not going to kill anyone," she snapped, folding her arms and looking away defiantly.
"Forgive me for being cautious!" Merlin snapped back. "I thought it necessary seeing as last time we met you locked me in a tree, killed Gwaine, and slew Arthur with Mordred's blade."
Morgana scowled. "And you retaliated by killing me with his after you freed yourself. I'd say we're even, wouldn't you?"
Merlin lowered his hand but he still stood between her and the others. "How much do you remember?"
"Everything," she sighed, her shoulders sagging. Gracious, she had a headache! Chuckling softly, she mumbled, "This isn't exactly how I was planning to spend Christmas, recovering memories where I'm an evil witch that nearly destroyed Albion. What are you going to do now? Lock me up?"
There was silence for a moment and then…
"You regret it."
Morgana's neck snapped up, her green eyes meeting Gwaine's steady gaze. She couldn't bring herself to breathe. Gwaine had said it as a statement not a question. Morgana began to feel uncomfortable since the others were still looking at her skeptically. She dropped her gaze, studying the floor.
"Do you?" Arthur asked, penetrating the silence.
"Do I what?" she snapped, unable to look at her half brother.
"Do you regret it," he reiterated, slightly annoyed.
Morgana sighed. She was so tired. "Even if I told you I did, I don't think you'd believe me."
"You're right," Arthur answered, his tone hard, "I wouldn't."
"You see?" she snapped, leaping to her feet, her anger masking her hurt. "No matter what I try to say, the only thing any of you will ever be able to see when you look at me is the horrible, evil High Priestess of the Old Religion! Even if I no longer have magic, you'll still remain suspicious of me. Frankly I can't blame you. I did horrible things in the past. I destroyed so many things, so many people. But this time is different. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I just want…" she paused, her eyes burning.
No. She wouldn't cry. She was more dignified than this! She would not allow them to see her so weak!
Swallowing with great difficulty, she continued, "In this life I grew up away from Camelot, away from Uther, without magic. I was raised by my single mother until she died from cancer. I don't want to hold grudges against anyone. I just want to finish school and live a normal life."
She looked at Gwaine when she finished, allowing herself to picture what she had been for the last two weeks: a small apartment shared with him, a ring on her finger, a simple life full of happiness. Who was she kidding?! Why on earth would Gwaine continue to date her? She'd murdered him! Who in their right mind would want to be with someone that had done such a thing?
She had committed so many atrocities. How could she hope for clemency when she had ripped apart these people's lives? Any whiteness she'd possessed in this life had become drowned in black, painting her soul so thickly that nothing could penetrate the stain. She was doomed to live the rest of this life in exile, alone and friendless, just as she had in the past. Except this time she would not allow bitterness to consume her. Hatred had not brought her the happiness she'd craved and it certainly wouldn't now. No, instead she would leave, leave her current company and move somewhere else where she could wallow and decay. It was what she deserved after all she'd done.
"I guess I'll go," she muttered, eyes downcast. "Don't worry; I won't trouble any of you ever again. I've caused enough pain and I don't want to further spoil the evening."
Something wet hit her collarbone. She inwardly swore. Stupid tears; they'd betrayed her. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she took a few hesitant steps forward. Nobody moved. That was good. But it also hurt. A part of her wished someone would stop her, would ask her to stay. She so desperately wanted to belong, to no longer be lost. Couldn't they see how badly this hurt? How conflicted she felt? Part of her was disgusted that she would long for their acceptance but the greater part knew it was nothing to be ashamed of. Every person in the history of mankind wanted to feel as if they belonged somewhere. She'd turned her back on her family and friends in the past. She didn't want to do so again. But she couldn't bring herself to ask for forgiveness because she deserved the rejection. She'd lost their trust and friendship the moment their memories had returned.
No wonder Gwaine had been acting differently this morning! He'd remembered. And yet he had stayed with her the entire day, had held her hand, kissed her cheek, helped her pick out her dress. He really was something else. What kind of man stayed with a woman who had been the cause of his demise in a previous life?
One who was selfless, honorable, and strong: a true Knight of Camelot.
But a Knight of Camelot would never desire to be with a witch.
Morgana sucked in a sharp breath. She hadn't even made it to the door yet. She hadn't wanted to show her pain but her soul had other ideas. Someone grabbed her arm and somehow she knew exactly who it was. She closed her eyes and bit her lip, trying to get a handle on her emotions.
"And just where do you think you're running off to?" Gwaine asked in a neutral tone.
Morgana slowly turned around and faced him. Gwaine's expression was blank, his emotions hidden. "I don't know," she admitted. "Away."
Gwaine studied her a moment. "Then I'm coming with you."
"What?!" The shout was a collective one. Morgana's eyes widened.
"Gwaine, you can't be serious!" Elyan protested.
The knight turned to face his friends. "I can't very well let a lady venture out into this world alone. It's even more dangerous now than back in our day."
Morgana gently removed Gwaine's hand. "You can't come with me, Gwaine."
"And why not?" he asked defiantly.
Oh how torn she was! Gwaine was offering everything she longed for but she couldn't accept it. She didn't deserve it.
"You need to stay here," she mumbled. "Your friends are here."
Gwaine suddenly surprised her by grabbing her shoulders and kissing her, aggressively and passionately. Morgana didn't respond at first, too caught up in her shock; but then she found herself displaying all her secret longing in reciprocation. Her eyes closed and her tears redoubled, her heart clenching with the conflict she still felt within her mind. She shouldn't be kissing him. She should be rejecting him! But she couldn't. This was what she wanted, what she needed.
Gwaine forced them apart but kept his hands on her shoulders. "Is that enough for you?"
Stunned silence filled the room. Morgana didn't know what to say. "Why?" she finally whispered.
Gwaine's roguish grin reached all the way up to his dark brown eyes as he shrugged. "You're worth taking the risk."
"Don't say that!" she snapped. "I tortured you many times – the last leading to your death."
"True but there were moments when it wasn't so bad," Gwaine mused, "and the last couple of weeks have been torture free."
She shook her head in disbelief. "You're insane."
"No, he's Gwaine," Merlin sighed. "And he isn't the only one that doesn't want you to go, Morgana."
Morgana's eyes widened as she gazed upon the one man she was sure would never be able to see her in a different light. Merlin held her gaze, hundreds of different emotions playing from his ancient eyes.
"Merlin, you can't be serious?" Arthur demanded, upset. "After everything she's done?"
"Morgana turned to evil because there was no one there for her, Arthur," Merlin stated. "I blame myself for what you became in the past, Morgana. I could have reached out to you, helped you, but instead I hid behind the prophecies Kilgharrah fed to me. I see now what Freya has been trying to tell me. The Old Religion has given all of us a second chance to make right the things we did wrong. I'm willing to put the past behind us if you are."
Morgana remained frozen in place. She didn't know what to say. Biting her lip, she glanced at Freya who was smiling encouragingly.
Taking a steady breath, she decided to just let it all out. "I do want to move forward, Merlin, but I can't lie and say there isn't a part of me that still feels animosity towards you. You poisoned me."
"I know and there isn't a day that I don't regret it," he answered honestly, "but if the situation were the same, I'd do it again. The safety of Camelot was in jeopardy and only your death could break the enchantment. I did what I had to do."
Morgana studied him silently, finally listening to him instead of blocking out his words with her hatred. She thought back on that fateful day, remembering how terrified she was, finding everyone else asleep, and the immense relief she felt when seeing Merlin and Arthur awake. She hadn't understood what was going on then but now that she was looking back and she had a deeper understanding of the Old ways, something clicked into place.
"I was the vessel."
Merlin stood there silently a moment before nodding, "Yes."
"What on earth are you talking about?" Arthur demanded.
"Remember that time when everyone in Camelot was asleep?" Merlin asked.
"When the Knights of Medhir were revived?"
Merlin nodded. "Powerful spells like the one used that day need a vessel in order to continue. Morgause's enchantment made Morgana the vessel. As long as she lived, Camelot would remain asleep."
"So you tried to kill her," Gwen muttered.
Merlin nodded. "It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I really do regret it, Morgana," he said, shamefaced.
Morgana sighed before allowing a small, sad smile to lift the corners of her mouth. "I can see that you do – now that I'm not blinded by hatred. I don't fault you, Merlin. You're Emrys. Your king comes first."
Merlin nodded. "And he always will."
Morgana's smile grew a little more. "I don't doubt it."
"So… can we start over?" Merlin asked, suddenly hesitant. "We've both been given a rare opportunity and, I don't know about you, but I'd rather the past not repeat itself."
Morgana still hesitated. She wanted to accept… but she longed to know what the others thought of her. She turned her gaze on Arthur who was looking at her with an expression she knew quite well. He was silently weighing every pro and con, his mind a jumbled mess as it sorted through the chaos. Sensing he needed some time, she turned her gaze on Gwen, her first true friend. The woman held her head high, her expression set in stone. Morgana's heart dropped. Gwen wouldn't forgive her. She'd messed up her life so many times in the past, twisting her emotions, playing with them in such an adulterated manner. Nobody deserved what had happened to her.
Gwen stepped forward. "If you ever hurt me or any of us the way you did in the past, I'll run you through with Arthur's sword myself," she said, her tone brooking no argument.
Morgana's jaw dropped. "What?"
Gwen sighed. "Look, Morgana, I've spent the last five months with this new version of you and I honestly consider that Morgana to be my friend. The witch is my enemy. Seeing as you want to denounce that life, then I'm willing to denounce my prejudice. But not without warning: hurt any of us and I promise you that I will be the last face you'll ever see."
Morgana couldn't even dare to hope. "I promise I won't," she mumbled, tears forming in her eyes.
Gwen's expression softened. "I believe you."
"Well I have no quarrel with you," Freya assured her. "I know that the evil in your heart has been purged and will remain so – as long as each of us puts forth an effort to make this new life work."
"Thank you, Freya," Morgana whispered, her heart lifting further.
Gwaine smiled at her. "You already know my opinion."
Leon stepped forward slightly. "I think I speak for the others when I say that whatever our king decides, we stand with him," he stated. Lancelot, Elyan, and Percival agreed with him, each silently nodding.
"Arthur?" Merlin prompted.
The king closed his eyes and Morgana witnessed the moment he made his decision. His expression cleared, his shoulders straightened, and his regality shone through. When he opened his eyes, they were piercing straight through Morgana's soul. Her half brother walked up to her and searched her face.
"I have been betrayed time and time again by those I care about," he stated. "The greatest betrayal was Merlin whom I consider my brother in all but name." He paused and Morgana found herself holding her breath again. "If I can forgive my brother, I suppose I can also forgive my sister."
Morgana's heart flew all the way into her throat and tears burst from her eyes. Acting purely on emotion alone, the former witch flung her arms around her brother, finally embracing him for everything he was. Arthur was clearly shocked but after a moment he hugged her back. Pulling away, he held her shoulders tightly.
"Do me a favor," he said, smiling a little.
"Name it," she mumbled, wiping at her eyes.
"Don't ever kill me or anyone I care about ever again."
Morgana let out a watery chuckle. "I think I can do that."
"Great! Now that everyone has made up, let's celebrate!" Gwaine cried, clapping his hands together. "Say, Merlin, you wouldn't happen to have any firewhiskey lying around here, would you?"
[][][]
It was early in the morning, probably around three. The night had mostly been spent reminiscing about the past, everyone sharing their sides of what made up their story. Morgana had spoken freely of her previous actions, regretting every single one. Gwaine kept his arm around her the entire time. Even now, as she sat out on the balcony enjoying the frigid December air, she couldn't help but wonder how on earth she'd ended up with everything she'd always longed for but felt she didn't deserve.
The glass door slid open behind her but Morgana didn't turn around. She wasn't too surprised when Merlin joined her.
"You know, Gwaine might be pretty upset if you end up catching a cold out here."
"I wasn't planning on staying out much longer," she replied, strangely relaxed. This was the first time in eons that she had felt peaceful around this man.
"I just wanted to thank you," Merlin said after a long moment of silence.
Morgana eyed him curiously. "What for?"
"For forgiving me."
Morgana stared. "You're joking right? I'm the one who should be thanking you, Merlin. After everything I've done…"
"I've lived for a long time, Morgana," Merlin sighed, his shoulders sagging a little from the burden. "Let me give you some advice. Don't allow past failures to dictate your emotions. You'll find a whole lot of heartache and grief if you do."
"I take it you speak from your experience of living from the nine hundreds to the twenty first century before returning again to the past?"
Merlin nodded. "I was so lost then. The first thing I learned was that Arthur had died and Albion with him. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't understand why I'd allowed him to die… why I hadn't been there."
"When all along it was my fault," Morgana muttered. "I was the one who locked you in that tree, Merlin. I was the one who killed Gwaine and Arthur… and eventually Albion."
Merlin rested a hand on her shoulder. "It's in the past, Morgana. After Arthur died, I was able to draw comfort knowing that I was promised he would rise again. That time has finally come and I almost feel as if my previous fifteen hundred years don't matter. What matters is this life, the one I'm choosing to live now. You don't want to be defined by your past anymore so stop harboring regret for things you can't change. Move on."
Morgana studied him a moment before smiling. "Thank you, Merlin."
"Anytime," he grinned and Morgana felt as if she was transported back in time to when they had first been friends, a time when they cared about each other. Her smile deepened as she realized the friendship she had with him then had been restored tonight. Gratitude overwhelmed her and she nearly started to cry again. She'd done a lot of that tonight but she didn't mind; her tears were a release and with each drop spilt, she felt her heart lightening.
"We should head back inside," Merlin muttered after a time.
"Yeah," she agreed.
Both of them stood up.
"Merry Christmas, Morgana," Merlin smiled.
"Merry Christmas, Merlin." As he was about to slide open the door, Morgana's grin deepened. "So, when are you going to propose to Freya?"
To her delight, Merlin groaned. "You and your brother! Is this a Pendragon tag-team effort? Because I don't find it a coincidence that both of you have asked me the same question on the same day!"
Morgana's eyes danced. "For once Arthur can see something just as clearly as I can – which is honestly rather remarkable since the man has always had difficulty with observance."
"I think he'd take offense to that."
"Probably but sisters have the right and duty to be offensive to their brothers," she replied cheerfully. "Seriously though, Merlin, anyone can see how in love you two are. Take your own advice. Don't live in the past thinking it's going to repeat. The story you shared tonight of how you and Freya first met, it's tragic what happened, but I don't think it's going to occur again in this lifetime. So stop hiding behind the fear of 'what if' and marry her already before someone else does!"
Merlin sighed, sliding open the glass door without a word. Morgana merely shook her head, the smile still on her face. No wonder he and Arthur are two sides of the same coin. Both of them are as stubborn as a mule!
Resolving to make sure he and Freya ended up with a ring, Morgana cheerfully went inside, closing the glass door behind her. Finding Gwaine lounging out on the couch, she crept past the sleeping forms of the knights on the floor and settled next to the man she deeply adored, nestling into his chest. Gwaine wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her hair.
"Welcome back," he muttered.
"You're supposed to be asleep," she chided.
"I was but then you left. Tell me, should I be concerned that you and Merlin were out on the balcony alone?"
Morgana swatted his chest. "Stupidity doesn't become you."
Gwaine chuckled, kissing her hair again. The two settled down and Morgana found her heart lighter than it had been in a long time. Finally, she'd found what she had always truly been searching for: somewhere to belong. A genuine smile climbed her face as she drifted off to sleep, the sound of Gwaine's strong and steady heartbeat the perfect lullaby to soothe her soul.
How many of you saw that one coming? :3 Sorry to disappoint anyone who wanted Morgana to be evil again. She's good and she and Gwaine are still a thing! I know there were a lot of people wondering how that would turn out. Well, now you can be even more awesome than you already are and leave a review containing all of your thoughts on the matter. Please?
Oh, and in case anybody has forgotten... not everyone remembers yet! We still have a certain tyrannical king and Court Physician to bring into the picture. And don't worry, the Harry Potter characters have not been forgotten. They're just enjoying their happy Christmas vacation. But they'll be coming in again soon. Action is right around the corner guys, I promise!
Reviews are love!