S. Meyer, not me.

Betas Sarahsumbrella and silentnc - thank you!

CHAPTER TEN: Dismal Den

"You rang?" Jacob's head poked through the door a few minutes later.

I was still on my knees on the floor, pulling unwanted and unneeded air through my teeth in a vain attempt to calm myself. It wasn't helping. "Not now, dog," I growled. He sauntered in, ignoring me, and I squeezed my eyes shut.

"I thought someone was killing a cow up here," he commented, walking around the room and pretending an interest in the decor. "I needed a snack, so thought I'd check."

"I said not now, Jacob." I couldn't quite grasp the ragged edges of my control. I concentrated harder.

"No blood," he said, and my eyes flew open. "No body. Guess you didn't suck her dry after all, huh?"

My head whipped around to glare at him. He was watching me with an all too innocent expression, hands in his pockets. Was he teasing me? I slowly came to my feet, and he gave a sharp nod of approval.

"That's better. Hate to see a bloodsucker on its knees."

"Do you have a death wish?" I gritted.

He shrugged, his dark eyes bright on my face. "As if."

My hands clenched convulsively at my sides, a fine tremor shivering through my body. I was still too close to the edge, the bloodlust still held sway over my base instincts. I wanted to fight – I wanted an outlet for the raging emotions coursing through me. I wanted to rip and shred, bathe in blood and fire, I wanted to rampage. I wanted to bury myself in the warm, wet heat of her. A feral snarl ripped up from my chest, and I knew my eyes were flat, black, and soulless.

"Get a grip, Edward. You're trippin', dude."

"Jacob," I seethed. "Shut up now, or I swear by all that's holy I'll -"

"I just don't get it," he broke in, paying no heed to my impotent fury. "What's the big deal? I mean, the Men In Black want her dead anyway, right? What difference does it make if it's you or Felix who chows down on her? Just let it go, man, and do it already. I want to get out of here. I'm dead bored. It's time to move on."

I spun and gripped the mantle in an effort to keep myself from ripping the pup's head off. Slowly, much too slowly, I could feel my iron will restoring my equilibrium and control.

"I mean," Jacob continued, oblivious to the life and death struggle going on in front of him, "it's not like you have feelings for the little human. Feelings," he sang. "Whoa, ohh, ohh…Whoa. Whoa!" He took a step toward me, his face blank, stunned. His mind was blank, as well, until his shock wore off and was replaced with incredulity. "Oh holy shit, Edward…Fuck! You do, don't you? You have feelings for her! Sweet weeping baby Jesus…that's fucked up."

I shut my eyes and hung my head between my arms. "I'm in love with her," I whispered, and a wave of calmness finally washed over me at the admission.

He was silent, and I eventually raised my head to turn and face him as his chaotic thoughts bombarded my consciousness. His mouth was hanging open, his eyes bugging out of his head. It might have been comical if the situation wasn't so desperate. He searched my face and his jaw snapped shut. His eyes narrowed on mine as confusion and anger settled in the forefront of his mind.

"You dumb emo bitch," he snarled, his voice increasing in volume with each slow step toward me. "What have you done, you stupid goddamn bloodsucker? That is completely FUCKED UP!"

He fisted his hands in the front of my shirt, arms trembling, and I let him. He was right; this was completely fucked. "I know," I said softly. "I can't help it. I've tried…"

"Try harder."

"Jacob -" I stopped speaking, but neither of us broke our stare as the door opened again. Demetri took a couple of steps into the room and froze, his suddenly wary gaze bouncing back and forth between me and Jacob.

"What the…"

We eased away from each other, and Jacob took a deliberate step back. His thoughts were still too confused and furious to be coherent, even in his own head. Demetri moved cautiously toward us. "What the hell is going on?"

"Edward's in love with the human," Jacob told him disgustedly.

"The human?" Demetri asked, completely confounded by the scene he had interrupted.

"Yes, the human. Isabella Swan. He thinks he's in love with her." Jacob was back to glaring.

Demetri swung wide, stunned eyes to me. "Wha…That's…Huh?"

They stared at me like I was some mythical creature. Which I was. Hell. Hence our current predicament. I pinched the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes.

"She knows, doesn't she? She knows about us, about Phil – that he's a vampire." Demetri stared at me. I didn't move, didn't say anything, and that was admission enough. "I thought as much. You've just been acting so strange these past couple of weeks." He paused for a moment, frowning in thought, and slowly continued. "Well, that's okay, right? We can still deal. No need to call Felix yet. We'll just have to get rid of her ourselves, right away. It's not your usual thing, I know, Edward, but since you want the girl – I know how badly you want her blood – just take her to bed and fuck her out of your system. You can just rip through her jugular when you rip through her -"

Demetri was sailing through the air and crashing through the wall on the other side of the room before he could complete the sentence, but not before he completed his thought, unfortunately. I followed and braced above him, heaving in rage, my arm across his throat.

"One more word," I seethed, "one more thought, and I'll rip your head off and burn your body."

There was silence in the room as he carefully blanked his mind. I once again struggled to bring my temper under control; I could actually hear Jacob shaking as he fought the urge to phase at the danger in the air. I stared intently into Demetri's eyes until I got nothing but thoughts of kittens and sunshine. I stood and offered my hand to him, and as he took it I pulled him to his feet.

I looked at them both. "I'll take care of this. It's not your problem; you won't be involved. I'll deal with it."

Jacob gritted his teeth. Demetri returned my stare, not without sympathy. "Edward, it's too late. We are involved. This is a problem for all of us."

It's too late. Demetri's words echoed though my head. Too late. Yes, it was much too late. Too late for me, but I would not allow Bella to be affected by the ugliness of my world. She didn't deserve such a fate. If it was the last thing I did in my long, miserable existence, I would make sure she was safe.

"Edward." I could see true regret in Demetri's eyes. We had been good friends for a long time. "I don't have any choice. I'll give you as much time as I possibly can, but I have to tell Felix and Aro. I'm sorry."

My shoulders sagged. "I know. Thank you, Demetri."

He put his hand on my back and shook his head. "I am sorry, Edward. More than I can say." He tilted his head. "Have you thought of…changing her?"

I cringed involuntarily before he got the words out. "I will not take her soul. I won't allow anyone to harm her. Certainly not myself."

He shook his head. "You always do things the hard way, my friend. Jacob?"

Jacob studied me thoughtfully. "I'll stay. I can help."

"Jacob," I said warningly, seeing the half-thought plans in his head. He'd been angry, but I could sense his sympathy with my situation now that he understood.

"No, I'm supposed to have your back, and I will. They know now Demetri is useless at tracking her." He couldn't hide his smirk at that. "But I can through scent. He can tell them I stayed behind to try to pick up your trail. It might buy you some more time."

"I can track Edward," Demetri pointed out.

"Yeah, maybe, but not well. Everyone knows it would be pretty much impossible to find Edward if he doesn't want to be found – he's always one step ahead. It would take you a really, really long time." Jacob raised his brow suggestively, and Demetri chuckled.

"Kid has a point. I can wait until tomorrow, maybe the day after to contact Aro and head back to Volterra. That will give you a head start."

"Thank you," I said sincerely. "I don't deserve it, but I will accept – for Bella."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Don't be any more idiotic or girly than you already are, Edward. I'm gonna be sick."

Leave it to Jacob to put it in perspective.

"What are you going to do, Edward?" Demetri inquired quietly, watching me as I stared out the window.

"I don't know," I admitted. "I need to think. There's quite a bit to consider."

He raised a brow and nodded. Jacob sighed. "I'll keep an eye on Isabella." He raised his hands in front of him as I whirled to face him with a snarl. "Just keep an eye on her, jeez, Edward." He rolled his eyes. "All looky, no touchy. Relax."

I nodded, forcing the tension from my body. I was messed up, no doubt about it.

I spent the night standing at the window, giving serious consideration to my options. There weren't many, and even less that I found acceptable.

One, I knew I could just let things be, fall where they may, and return to Volterra. Aro and Felix would take care of the situation, of Bella, as they saw fit. I shuddered. No, that was out of the question. Two, I could take care of the situation myself; succumb to the siren call of her scent, her blood. Take her life, let her lifeblood fill me and sooth the scorching ache in my throat and body. But I knew I couldn't continue existing if I caused her death. Option three, I could end us both. I thought about this. It could be done, and I knew I could arrange the end of my own existence, but…there was no way I could consider ending hers. After struggling so hard to keep her alive, after having made the irrevocable decision to do so…No. I just couldn't fathom it.

So, knowing I couldn't bear to allow any harm come to her, from any source – option four. We could run. I knew it would be difficult at best, if not impossible, to successfully track me. I could sense any tracker's thoughts before they could get anywhere near me – us. We could run and hide, and keep running until the end of her natural life. But what kind of life was that for her?

Option five…Yes. There it was – option five in all its horrifying, tantalizing, seductive glory. I could change her. I could turn her into a monster, my equal. My mate. I wanted that with everything in me, more than her blood, more than anything I've ever wanted before. I tried to separate my desire from the practical. Was it the best solution to the problem at hand, or just the one I wanted the most? I couldn't honestly answer that. I wanted her so badly.

But I didn't want her life in exchange. I didn't want to jeopardize her soul. The diametrically opposed desires – both physical and mental – were about to drive me mad.

I examined each option from every angle I could find. I took them all through their individual stages, what it would entail, what I needed to make each happen, and the probable outcomes. Squeezing my eyes shut, I moved for the first time in many hours. I knew where I needed to start. I needed to talk to Bella. She deserved the truth from me. She deserved a say in her fate, in her future. She needed to know everything that was going on, even if it meant she would never speak to me again. That didn't matter, not really, not in the long run. I would spend the rest of my existence ensuring she was safe.

I got into the shower to clean up, contemplating how best to approach her. I wasn't sure she would let me, not after how we had parted last, her running in hysterics from me. I would have to try.

Not her apartment, I thought as I pulled on fresh pants and a shirt. It was too enclosed, and too imbued with her scent. It wasn't worth the risk. I seriously doubted she would ever be inside this apartment with me again, so…outside. I could arrange to meet her after her classes, out on campus. There would be other people around, of course, too many, but I could get a feel for her reaction to me, and we could go from there. I grabbed my leather jacket and headed for the door, only to have it open before I could reach for the handle.

"Jacob," I acknowledged, pausing as he stopped in the doorway.

"Back with us?" he asked with a quirked brow.

"Yes." I frowned with impatience when he didn't budge.

"She wants to see you," he blurted out, and my eyes widened in surprise. "Isabella. Bella, I mean."

"She does?" I stared at him. Was it possible? I tried to read his thoughts, but they were swirling, jumbled. I saw her face in his mind, and latched on to the vision. "How do you know?"

His eyes flickered away uncertainly, and he was…blushing? "Uh, well, I may have talked to her today. Earlier. Just a little bit ago."

"You spoke with her?" My frown deepened as I saw a blurry scene of him talking to her in his mind, and I felt anger rolling up my spine. "You were supposed to just be watching out for her, Jacob. Not making contact. Not talking to her, damn it."

"I know, but she saw me," he admitted sheepishly. "I didn't expect it…well, anyway. She came up to me, wanted to know why I was following her." I couldn't help a smile at this, leave it to Bella to not only notice Jacob's surveillance, but call him on it. "So, I introduced myself. I told her you were worried about her, that you just wanted to be sure she was okay, but you thought she wouldn't want to see you."

He paused, and I prompted impatiently, "And…?" I was frustrated at not seeing his thoughts clearly.

"She said she wanted to talk to you. She was worried about you, too. She didn't think you wanted to see her." He snorted. "You two are quite the fucked up pair. Talk to her, Edward. Get your shit straight so I don't have to feel like I need to be looking over my shoulder all the time. I want to be done here."

"I was on my way to see her," I admitted. "Thanks, Jacob." I frowned. "But I still don't think you should have talked to her."

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes again. "Go get the girl, bloodsucker."

X-X-X-X-X

I stood at the bottom of the wide steps of the building where I had seen Isabella – was it only a little less than a month ago? – leaving her class on the fateful day I first spoke with her. Humans scurried around my still form as I watched the doors for her to appear. I warranted a couple of sidelong, nervous glances, but no one spoke to me, and all gave me a wide berth. I only marginally noticed. Finally, I saw her emerge from the building, her head down, hair covering her face, shoulders hunched. Other students rushed past her, bumping and crowding her. I frowned, but she didn't seem to pay any attention to the rude jostling. She made it about halfway down the stone stairs before her head snapped up, and she looked directly at me. She stopped.

A couple of people behind her gave her dirty looks for halting right in the middle of the flow of students. She took a couple of steps closer to me, her eyes never leaving my face. I shoved my hands in my pockets, not knowing what else to do with them as she finally made her way down the stairs and across the sidewalk to stop in front of me.

"Bella," I murmured, searching her pale, expressionless face. "I'm sorry."

Her gaze went from my eyes, down to my feet, and back up. They were welling with tears, and without forethought, my hand lifted to touch her cheek. She made a small, broken sound, turning her cheek into my palm. I gasped, pulling her into my arms.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry," I murmured into her hair, closing my eyes and absorbing her warmth, her awful, amazing scent. Her arms came around my waist, and although I could barely feel the pressure, I knew she was squeezing me for all she was worth.

"I thought I'd never see you again." She leaned back, a single tear trailing down her soft cheek. She wiped at it, and I grabbed her fingers, bringing them to my mouth and gently kissing the tips. That one small taste was indescribable. Her breath hitched in her throat, and she stared at me in shock. I smiled sadly.

"Can we talk, Bella?" I asked quietly. "I have no right to ask you, but…"

"Yes," she said emphatically, taking my hand and holding on to it when I tried to gently pull away. She continued to amaze me with her lack of fear and acceptance of my strangeness. She looked around, as if just now realizing there were other people nearby. "Not here, though."

"No," I agreed, and paused. I wasn't sure where to suggest.

"My apartment?" she asked.

I shook my head, watching her closely, silently asking her to understand. "I don't think…your scent…"

"Oh. Okay." She frowned. "Is your place okay?"

I stared at her in wonder.

"What?" she asked when I didn't respond.

"You'd be willing to go back there?" I was incredulous.

"Yes." Her gaze softened on mine, and she reached up to touch my cheek hesitantly. "I'm not afraid of you, Edward."

I hoped I would give her no more reason to be. But knowing what we needed to discuss… "You're probably going to wish you'd never said that. Should we catch a cab?"

She nodded, and we walked to the street. She held my hand firmly, as if she thought I would disappear if she let go. We didn't speak, both of us lost in our private thoughts until we reached the stairs leading up to the flat. I could tell Jacob and Demetri weren't up there – that was one small relief. She walked ahead of me up the stairs, and I let myself be briefly distracted by the sway of her hips and the roundness of her curves in her faded jeans.

I opened the door and gestured her in, closing my eyes and inhaling her precious scent as she walked past me. I'd been without it for hours – how was it possible I could miss the torture so much? She paused, smiling when she saw the book she'd left still sitting on the coffee table. She sat on the sofa, looking at me expectantly.

I slowly walked over and lowered myself next to her, considering my words. "I have to apologize to you." She shook her head vigorously, but I nodded back firmly. "Bella, I am so very sorry for my behavior yesterday. It was unforgivable. I – I am going to try very hard to not let my…hunger take over like that again."

"I'm sorry, too, Edward," she murmured, reaching out slowly to touch my hand. When I made no protest, slightly stunned that she was apologizing to me, she took my hand in her much smaller one. "I shouldn't have sprung it on you like that. I should have known it would be a shock to you, and I know better than to shock a vampire." She managed a small smile that I could not bring myself to return. Her gaze dropped to our clasped hands. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Bella, I have some things to tell you, to talk to you about. Not all of them are pleasant." I gave a short, humorless laugh. "Actually, none of them are. But I want you to know that everything I tell you from now on will be the truth." She raised her eyes, and I met her gaze directly and earnestly. "I can't give you much, but I vow I will give you that. I promise you honesty. Will you trust me?"

Her eyes were wide, and she tightened her grip on my hand, her skin showing white at the knuckles. I could hear her increased heart rate and breathing, smell the quick burst of adrenaline in her system. "Yes, of course. I trust you, Edward. I always have."

I smiled crookedly and heard her breath hitch in response – she was staring at my mouth. I touched her chin with the tip of my finger and dropped my hands to my sides. It was harder than I had expected to lay this all out in front of her, but there was no conflict with what I had just promised. I owed her honesty, and that was what she would get from now on.

"Oddly enough, it helps that you know about us, about vampires," I began. "That's the problem here, but it's one thing I don't have to worry about – trying to convince you I'm telling the truth." I offered her a wry smile, and she returned it before frowning thoughtfully.

"I know it's odd, Edward, but why is it a problem?"

I took a careful breath, trying not to let my head swim with her scent. "Have you ever heard of the Volturi?"

A small frown marred her forehead. "Isn't that the company you work for?"

"Well, yes and no. I do work for the Volturi, and while there is a company they have put together by that name, it isn't actually what they are. The Volturi are like the ruling force in my world. They govern creatures like me, and all of the others. They're like the police, the government, the guard. Their main purpose is to make sure the secret of our existence is safe, that no one outside our world knows about supposedly mythical creatures. They make certain that those creatures abide by the rules of our kind." I paused to let her absorb this information.

"But you do work for them, right?" she asked. I nodded, and she took a deep breath. "What do you do for them?"

"What I told you before was true. I help gather information for them. They use it in our best interests."

"I don't understand. What does that mean?"

I took a deep breath. This was the really hard part. "Bella, I am part of a special group, the Elite Guard. Demetri and Jacob, who you've met, are part of the group. Felix is the fourth member; he isn't here right now. We track those who are suspected of breaking the rules of our world. We also track others who have found out about us."

"Others?" she asked softly.

"Humans," I confirmed, watching her closely. "It is against our laws for a human to know of the existence of mythical creatures. Vampires included."

I saw when she realized what I was telling her, why it was a "problem". She sat up and stared at me, her heart fluttering like a hummingbird. "Are you telling me you were tracking me?"

"Yes," I whispered, not taking my eyes from hers.

She sat frozen and then blinked once after a long moment. "And what are you supposed to do about me, now that you know…about my history with a vampire?"

"You have to understand, Bella, I have to make you realize that I will never let anything happen to you. Never." She gulped. "No one is going to hurt you. I won't allow it. You're safe, I vow to you. You will be safe."

She was quiet as she absorbed what I was telling her. "Are Demetri and Jacob vampires, too? Felix?"

"Demetri and Felix are. Jacob is a shapeshifter. He phases into a rather large wolf. Other than that, I suppose he's mostly human."

Her eyes widened.

"Demetri tracks," I explained. "Jacob protects and handles details. I listen to the subject and verify the truth of what they know, or what they have done. Felix…Felix disposes."

She turned sheet-white and swayed. I reached out to hold her steady in her seat, shocked when she didn't jerk away. "Disposes?" she wheezed. "He's going to dispose of me?"

"No!" I shouted forcefully and made an effort to calm myself. She was terrified enough. "I promised you I would keep you safe. I won't allow that to happen, I won't let anything hurt you, Bella. I swore to tell you the truth, so you can believe this."

"Why?" Her voice was weak and thready.

"Because you know too much -"

She shook her head violently back and forth, her hair swirling around her shoulders. "No, not that. Why are you protecting me? Why don't you just do your job, and let this Felix do his?"

I hissed and gave her a shake before I realized what I was doing. "Because I can't. Because I love you, damn it. I'd sooner end my own existence than to see one hair on your head harmed."

Her breathing stopped and she stared at me, wide-eyed. "You…love me?" she choked.

"Yes," I forced out between clenched teeth. "I'm sorry, Bella, I know it's too soon for you. You have to understand how we work, how vampires mate. When we fall in love, we fall forever. We are constant and unchanging, except when we find our mates. And once that change is made, once we find them, there is no going back. No matter what, I'll always be here, in whatever capacity you want me."

"You love me." She was still staring, much too calm, and much too still. But her heart was beating much too fast.

"Yes," I admitted. Why had I just blurted it out like that? Smooth, Cullen, I chastised myself. I could have at least eased into the fact that I was irrevocably attached to her, and always would be. Stalker, much?

A sob broke through her composed façade and then another. My hands stroked her hair frantically. I'd made her hysterical. Tears ran down her face, and she…was suddenly in my arms.

"Oh, thank God, thank God!" She buried her face in my chest and wrapped her arms around my waist. "I never thought…I love you, too, Edward. It's crazy, I know, but…soul mates. It makes sense. I've loved you from that first moment at the café. I thought I was crazy! I never, ever expected you to feel the same."

"Shh," I soothed as she shook against me, hands clutching at my shirt. "Shh, my Bella. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere." She'd handled the most horrifying revelations with stoic and unnatural calm, but broke at the idea I loved her. She never reacted as I thought she would.

"P-promise!" she demanded, rearing back and glaring at me. "Promise you won't disappear! I was miserable yesterday after you made me leave. I was so scared. I thought I'd never see you again."

I met her eyes with shame. "Bella, I am sorrier than I can say. I promise you I will not let it happen again."

"Shh." It was her turn to sooth me. She stroked the hair from my temple and tucked it behind my ear. I shut my eyes in bliss at the feel of her hands on my face. She was quiet for too long, though, and I opened my eyes to meet her serious gaze.

"Can I ask you a question?" she asked quietly.

I chuckled, thinking of the last time she asked me that, and she smiled. "I imagine you have only about a million of them. Go ahead."

"What did you mean when you said your job was to listen and learn the truth? Do you – interrogate people?"

"No," I said slowly. Here it comes. "Bella, I can read minds."

She jerked back from me, her hand flying from my face to cover her mouth. "R-read minds?"

I nodded, watching her. She chewed on her lower lip as she searched my face.

"Um, so you can read my mind right now?" she asked nervously.

"No," I told her. "I can read everyone's mind except yours. You are the only creature I have ever come across since I've been changed that I cannot read." I allowed a small smile.

Her mouth opened into an "o". "How come?" she finally asked.

"How come what?"

"How come you can't read my mind?"

"I have no idea." I shook my head. "I've tried. I've really tried, but I just can't. It's very frustrating." I frowned down at her upturned face, stroking one fingertip along her cheek. "It's also surprisingly peaceful."

She smiled a satisfied, Cheshire cat smile. "Oh. Well. Good."

"Good?" I quirked a brow at her.

"Yeah. Good." She nodded assertively, but that gorgeous, mouthwatering blush flooded her cheeks. "That would be way too uncomfortable."

"Then I'm glad," I told her, and like I promised, it was the truth. I'd put up with the maddening frustration and confusion if it pleased her so much.

"How long since you've been – changed?" she continued. I was amazed that she was so accepting of my strange and – honestly – sometimes horrifying ability.

"Almost one hundred years," I told her, and her mouth dropped into the "o" again.

"Seriously?" Her curious expression made me smile.

"Yep."

"Wow." Her eyes were wide. "I have about one hundred years worth of questions for you, then."

That wiped all humor from my face and mind. If only I could be sure we had another hundred years – and more.

"Bella," I said slowly, seriously. "There are some other things we need to talk about. What we are going to do next. There's a lot to consider, a lot to think about, and none of it is going to be easy."

"As long as you really mean 'we', I'm good," she said.

I stood, pressing my lips to the top of her head so she knew it wasn't a rejection. I paced to the window and turned back to face her. "This isn't easy. It isn't going to be easy for either of us. But I want you to remember I will be honest with you, and I want you to be the same. I need you to think and consider carefully what we are about to discuss. No knee jerk reactions. This is serious and will affect more than just our lives."

"Okay," she agreed hesitantly.

I walked back over to her, taking her hands. "They're going to come after us," I began, squeezing slightly when she flinched. "I can keep you safe, Bella, no matter what. You have to believe that." She nodded her head, and I continued. "We have a couple of options, and you have to consider carefully what each will mean for you. I promise I will see you safe, no matter what you decide. Okay?"

"Yes," she said with certainty.

"You can go, Bella, if you wish." She flinched again, but I narrowed my eyes at her and she stilled the automatic protest. "You can leave all of this behind – mythical creatures, vampires, Volturi Guards, and the danger they represent to you. You can continue with your life, live a normal, natural life with friends and family. You won't have to live in fear, you can just move on, walk away without me, without any concern. I promise you your safety – I will make sure of it, but you'd never have to see me or deal with any of this again. It's a viable option, and one you should consider without any coercion or alarm." I'd watch over her for the rest of her life, always in the background, always unseen, if that was what she wanted and what it took to make her safe.

I knelt down in front of her to meet her solemn gaze. "We can also run, together. They can't track me, and with my mind reading abilities I will always know when someone is getting close. We can be off safely with time to spare, but we would constantly be moving, never able to settle, for the rest of your life. But I can promise you, they will never get near us. You will be safe."

I took a deep breath – the next option was difficult to even discuss. It was my biggest, most desperate fear, but at the same time it was my deepest, darkest desire. It was yet another conflict tearing me apart. I had to offer it, even though it made me feel almost sick to do so. "I can also – change you, Bella. Make you like me, a vampire. Then you would be one of us, and the rule wouldn't apply. But I would be condemning you to an eternity of nightmares. You would become a monster, like me, like my kind. You would never know a moment's peace from hunger, your throat burning, or the constant driving desire for blood. The eternal night. Damnation. It would mean sacrificing your soul.

"Either way, you'd have to give up so much. You'd have to give up living your life as you know it, or give it up quite literally. You wouldn't be able to contact your friends or your family – your father. It would be too dangerous for them and for you. You'd be giving up everything you know, for everything you don't."

She stared down at her lap. "Anything else?" she asked softly.

I didn't respond for a minute, and she looked up at me. I had promised her honesty, damn it. "I could end us both," I uttered softly. "End your life, and my existence. I had to think about it, Bella, but I can't do it."

Her eyes grew wide with horror. "No – why? Why would you end your life?"

"I wouldn't want to go on if you weren't in the world." Honesty.

"No. No," she repeated firmly when I opened my mouth to protest. "That I won't ever consider. Never. Take that right off the table, right now. Promise me, Edward. Swear to it."

"Bella…"

"Swear it!"

I nodded once in agreement, and she leaned in carefully to hug me. "Thank you."

I held her close, her warm, small, human body. "I'm going to ask you to think about all of this, think about it thoroughly and seriously, Bella. It affects just more than me and you. It will affect you for a lifetime, for eternity. I'm sorry for that."

She pulled back to look at me. "It's not your fault, Edward. I'd be dead now, if not for you, wouldn't I?" I grimaced. She was so right and so wrong on so many levels. She cupped my cheeks in her small hands. It was exquisite. "I'll give you a promise. I'll think about all of this. I will consider everything you've told me. I'll probably have more questions, but let me think on this. And then we'll decide together."

It was quiet except for the sounds of our breathing. Her expression slowly changed from one of earnestness to one of intensity and longing. Her eyes flickered down to my mouth and lingered.

"Bella," I groaned softly, placing my palm at the base of her throat and feeling the flutter of her aroused pulse. I held her in place, held her from leaning forward against me, held her from the temptation that could ruin us both.

She licked her lips, and I groaned again. "Bella," I whispered, my gaze focusing on her mouth. "We can't – I can't, not right now. I don't want to influence you, and I can't test my control right now." I was hungry. I needed to feed and feed well before I could even think about her lips on mine.

She seemed to read my mind. One finger came up to touch the corner of my left eye. "Your eyes, they're so dark. You're hungry, aren't you?" After a second, I nodded. "Edward…" her voice trailed off, and she ducked her head. "Edward," she tried again in a low, miserable voice. "When was the last time you…ate?"

"The night before I met you," I admitted, my voice thick with regret.

She looked up at me, her eyes shiny with tears. "Weeks ago," she murmured. "Edward. Do you think…would it be possible for you to ever consider going back to …vegetarianism? To eat animals, like your family? If you…if I were ever to be changed, I couldn't bear the thought of…killing anyone."

I flinched violently and stood. I shut my eyes, and when I turned back to her I could face her honestly. "Bella, after meeting you, neither could I. I've already thought a lot about it, and I can't continue on like I have been. I meant it when I said once we found our mates we change. I've already thought about…finding another food source." This time she flinched, and I swallowed miserably. "I can't continue…the way I have been."

"Good," she said softly. "It wouldn't change how I feel about you, Edward, really," she added hastily when she saw I would protest, "but that makes it easier somehow."

We stared at each other from our positions a few feet away from each other. She slowly walked to me and put her hands on my waist, watching my face carefully. I swallowed the overflow of venom in my mouth at her proximity and very slowly mimicked her position, my hands fitting neatly into the curve above her hips. She smiled and stepped into my arms for a brief embrace.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" It came out as a question, muffled against my chest.

"Whenever you are ready, Bella. Take your time."

"I will," she assured me. "I just don't think I can go very long without seeing you." The admission was quiet, her hands fisting at the small of my back. "I still feel like you're going to disappear."

"Where else am I going to go?" I whispered into her hair softly. "You're here."

She lifted her face to mine, smiling reluctantly. I pressed a soft, gentle, lingering kiss to her forehead. Hunger flared through me, and I swallowed again as I resisted the urge to twitch my hips against hers. I clenched my teeth and ground my jaw. Her smile faded into a knowing grimace.

"I should go," she said softly, searching my face. Her hand reached up to touch the corner of my eye again. "You're hungry. They're black," she said in explanation when I raised a brow.

I nodded reluctantly and walked her to the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said, repeating her earlier words, but this time they were more certain. She touched my cheek, and I closed my eyes in worry, bliss, and regret as she left.

She was right. I needed to feed and soon. I scowled. The thought of hunting was strangely abhorrent. Finding a human to feed on…I barely repressed a shudder. Killing a human for their blood so that I could better resist Bella was somehow…unworthy of her. It didn't feel right. In fact, it felt so far from right I was actually going to hunt an animal for the first time in decades. That thick, nasty, stinking, sour blood…How could that sound better to me than the nectar that ran through human veins?

But it did. It sounded right.

I still made a distasteful expression at the thought of the blood of animals – bleh. It would be difficult, but not anywhere near as difficult as the decision she had to make, no matter what it was. It was the least I could do for her. She'd made her feelings very clear on the issue of killing humans and feeding, and I found I was helpless to deny her anything that was within my power to give. I needed to go soon, before Demetri or Jacob returned. I didn't want them to see the conflict, the totally useless and pointless debate I was struggling with. I clenched my jaw in determination as I stalked down the stairs to the street, walking briskly through the crowds of humanity until I was at the city limits. Once there, I took off running for the countryside to do what I could to satisfy my base, monstrous nature.