"Hajime, how much does it cost to hire the programmer guy you know?"
"You've been missing for an entire day, leaving me to stop Peko from going on a murderous rampage, and that's the first thing you say?!" Hajime demanded in disbelief, pressing a hand to his forehead. He was definitely getting a headache later.
"I found the person who took my eye," Fuyuhiko sort of forgot to explain that part, didn't he? "I just need a way into her house."
"Why do you need a programmer then?" Hajime asked warily.
"She's got one hell of a security system," Fuyuhiko replied.
"How do you know that?!"
"I'm in front of it right now," Fuyuhiko stated, staring at the machine guns stationed around the gate. And the almost twenty-meter tall wall circling around the premises, lined with ominous-looking spikes. And the bear statues on top of the wall, smiling down mockingly at him.
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"
"W-w-what happened to t-the safety of the public?! What would happen i-if those guns went o-off because of the mailman?!" Mikan wailed, running as fast as she could from the black-haired warrior. Her confusion was only exacerbated by the various weapons flying at them, just barely missing various important organs and body parts.
"Just run!" Fuyuhiko ordered, pulling the nurse along as a spear lodged itself in the stone wall around the veritable mansion, just a few centimeters from where his head had been.
"Come on, Mukuro-chan!" A voice from the speaker in the wall cheered. Judging from how Mikan flinched at the voice, Fuyuhiko guessed that it was Enoshima. "Go get 'em! Give them the old, one, two, beheading!"
"Understood," The soldier nodded, grabbing another pack of throwing knives from fuck knows where. Apparently, the most dangerous part of the Enoshima household's security system were not the gigantic machine guns or the spikes on the walls. That title belonged to Enoshima's fucking sister, who could throw a knife faster than any gun and with that-really-should-be-impossible levels of accuracy. And that was when she was toying with them.
"But make sure to save Mikan-chan for me!" Enoshima giggled as Mikan whimpered, apparently terrified from the idea of being alone with Enoshima.
"WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK KEEP YOUR FUCKING BLOODY BITCH HANDS AWAY FROM HER YOU-" Fuyuhiko was cut off, almost literally, by a spear aimed at his feet. Mikan yelped, though Fuyuhiko was pretty sure Enoshima's sister wouldn't kill them just yet. No, the sisters would mess with them until Enoshima got bored, ordering Mukuro to kill them off. Fuyuhiko was 100% certain that the human security system would kill them the moment Enoshima gave the order.
"If we d-die, I'm glad to have met you!" Mikan screamed, tears running down her face as the two of them ran.
"WAIT, WHAT?!" A loud crash came from the speaker, like Enoshima had slammed her hands down on the table. "HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE, WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN YOU TWO?!"
"Um, am I supposed to stop now?" Mukuro asked, freezing right before throwing another knife.
"Of course you are, you idiot! I need to hear all about this new development!" Enoshima exclaimed. "Imagine how despair-inducing it will be if we kill one of the new lovers in front of the other! Do you think she'll be like 'wah wah sobbing' or will she descend into revenge-driven madness!?"
"What the hell is she doing?" Fuyuhiko and Mikan came to a stop, Fuyuhiko looking at Mikan incredulously for an answer. Mikan had no idea, increasingly bewildered as she stared at the speaker.
The gate opened automatically, fanfare and confetti included. Even Mukuro seemed to be shocked. No one moved an inch, looking more confused than one would be after reading all of Housetrapped.
"What are you guys waiting for, a red carpet?!" Enoshima demanded. "Go in already! I'll get the tea ready!"
"You can't just offer that right after trying to kill someone!" Both Mikan and Fuyuhiko exclaimed the same general sentence at the same time, but with unique additions. For convenience, the stammering and profanity were excluded in order to give the basic idea of what they were trying to say.
"Junko, what are you do-" Mukuro was cut off by a scabbard to the back of her skull. Evidently, she was so surprised by the complete 180 degree flip in attitude Enoshima had that she didn't notice a serious, stoic, silver-haired samurai sporting a suit subtly sneaking behind her. Either that, or Peko was becoming a ninja.
"So this is where you have run off to, Young Master," Peko glared at the pair dangerously, pointing her sheathed sword at them. Mikan wondered when her life became so perilous, before realizing that all of the perils she had face were because of her choice to follow the baby-faced Yakuza heir in front of her.
"Wooooooooooah!" Enoshima gasped, before munching sounds came in from the speaker. It sounded... popcorn-ish...? "A girlfriend appearing out of nowhere?! Just when Mikan-chan was picking herself up with the help of the shortie! Will this end in a despair-inducing murderfest like that one love triangle!?"
"That's my sister," Fuyuhiko said simply, Peko nodding to his words as she tied the unconscious human security system up.
"Sister in a-a Yakuza way o-or actual sister?" Mikan inquired, still sort of hiding behind Fuyuhiko. Just in case Mukuro and/or Peko tried anything.
"Yes."
As Mikan puzzled over the confusing answer, Peko approached her, putting on her best intimidating face.
"We should leave and regroup," Peko stated. "It would be dangerous to stay here when the enemy's piece might wake up at any time. Do you know anywhere we can rest for the time being?"
"T-there's a cafe two blocks over!" Mikan offered, even pointing in the direction of the cafe.
"Do they have good snacks?" Fuyuhiko asked.
"Hey, are you guys just going to forget about me?!" Junko demanded as the trio walked away. She pouted as she received only silence in return. "This can't even be the despair of being ignored... it's just fucking frustrating!"
The cafe was just as relaxing as Mikan remembered it. Long, billowing curtains covered up tall windows, the white of the drapes contrasting with the black carpeting. The wallpaper seemed to be made out of thin silk layered upon silk, with subtle floral patterns sown onto the surface. An alabaster surface held up by spiraling wires made up the tables and the chairs. The air was filled with the smell of herbal tea and the various baked goods behind the counter.
The familiarity of the building and the general tranquility of the atmosphere did absolutely nothing to relax Mikan as she was being stared down by a seriously scary silver-haired samurai.
"Pekoyama Peko," The swordswoman said suddenly, nearly making Mikan jump.
"That's... not really a proper introduction, Peko," Fuyuhiko interjected, munching on a cookie.
"What do I need to add in order to make it a proper introduction?" Pekoyama inquired.
Mikan couldn't look away from the table, examining every square centimeter for stains or cracks. She was... she was just doing a service to the world, right?! If she was looking for defects or faults or messes, she could help clean it up or report it and then the table would be okay and it was so very much not an excuse not to look at either of them okay!
"Mikan, you okay there?" Fuyuhiko asked, leaning over the table so he could look Mikan in the eye.
"Y-y-y-y-yes! Most d-definitely! Of course I a-am!" Mikan stammered, flinching from the unexpected movement. Peko looked a little bit lost as she watched Fuyuhiko offer Mikan a cookie, the timid woman chewing it in silence.
'How... how are they so calm?!' Mikan wondered, sneaking glances at the brother-sister duo. 'We just tried and failed to kill Enoshima Junko! How are they so casual-'
Mikan almost dropped the cookie as she realized it. Yakuza. Right.
"Um... I'll g-go first I guess," Mikan held the cookie away from her mouth,taking a deep breath before speaking. "M-my name is Tsumiki Mikan. I hope we can get along! I'm a nurse at the Towa Prefecture Hospital! Nice to m-meet you!"
"Ah, my name and profession," Pekoyama's blood red eyes seemed to drill a hole in Mikan as the silver-haired samurai spoke. "I am Pekoyama Peko. I am a hitman for the Kuzuryuu family. I am pleased to make your acquaintance."
"Hitman?!" Fuyuhiko looked horrified and even a bit offended by the word. "You're my right-hand woman!"
"That position belongs to your sister," Pekoyama responded.
"...aren't you his sister?" Mikan asked.
Fuyuhiko grinned, almost too cheerful for the grumpy-pants Mikan met and certainly too cheerful for someone who just failed an assassination attempt.
"See? You're definitely my right-hand woman!"
"The Young Mistress!" Pekoyama retorted, a blush creeping onto her cheeks. "I m-meant the Young Mistress!"
"She's the second right-hand woman," Mikan let out a loud snort at Fuyuhiko's words, thinking of a Fuyuhiko with four hands. Or maybe a hundred hands! She tried to hide her giggles behind her left hand. Then she looked away, embarrassed that she would laugh at such a thing.
Mikan didn't notice Fuyuhiko smiling at her, since she was looking at other things. Like... at the logo. Mikan wasn't sure how the cafe managed to fit their mouthful of a name on their logo without making it clear that they were struggling for space. The name was so long that most people just called the cafe 'The Celeshina Tea Shop' for short.
'We used to come here all the time...' Mikan reminisced, before barely containing her scream.
"She w-won't find us here, right?!" Mikan had to struggle very much with keeping her voice at an acceptable volume. She decided to reward herself by drinking the cup of tea she ordered, only to frown as she realized it was cold. How disappointing.
"I'm pretty sure she's not the type to chase after us anyways," Fuyuhiko said dismissively.
"You've known her for five minutes and that was went she was trying to get her sister to kill-!"
"Young Master, may I ask why you want that woman killed?" Pekoyama inquired, interrupting Mikan's panicked screaming. "You can trust me to carry out your orders."
"It won't have any meaning if you do it," Fuyuhiko replied, a hand ghosting over his eyepatch. Peko seemed to understand immediately, before shifting her stare towards Mikan. Mikan let out a startled 'eep!'.
"Then why did you bring her?"
"I a-asked to come!" Mikan exclaimed, feeling a bit defensive from Peko's piercing eyes. "Because... because... um, Enoshima Junko is someone who will keep hurting others until the day she d-dies!"
"I see," Pekoyama stated. "Then allow me to protect you as I protect my Young Master."
"I don't need your protection," Fuyuhiko said at the same time Mikan exclaimed, "T-thank you!"
Pekoyama simply smiled and nodded at the two. Mikan found herself relaxing at the sight, like the cafe's tranquility was suddenly multiplied.
'Junko wouldn't follow us, since she knows why we were there. She wants the despair of being killed, so there's no way she would report us to the police,' Mikan reasoned, a small grin coming on her face. 'And Pekoyama-san and Fuyuhiko-kun are strong. They could probably find a way to inject Ikusaba-san with the sleeping drugs I prepared...'
"Fuyuhiko-kun, how come you didn't tell me you had any sisters?" Mikan pouted, asking the question as soon as it came to mind.
"You never asked," Fuyuhiko replied simply.
"Can I ask now then?" Mikan continued at the sight of Fuyuhiko's nod. "Tell me about your sisters please! Both of them!"
"They're both amazing," Fuyuhiko continued over Pekoyama's flustered protests. "Peko is fucking incredible with a sword and a gun and she isn't all that good at Go."
'Why is that second bit considered a good trait?' Mikan wondered.
"B-but the Young Mistress is very skilled a-at shooting! And negotiating with leaders!" Pekoyama shot back, cheeks red.
"Yeah, she's cute, self-centered, manipulative, and a genius," Fuyuhiko continued, smiling as Mikan wondered why he was praising and badmouthing his other sister at the same time. "Peko-"
"I will not have this conversation with you!" Pekoyama interrupted, bright pink. She pointed a finger at Mikan as a diversion. "Tell me about your relationship with her! I need to know if she's trustworthy!"
"We're friends," Fuyuhiko said simply, making a smile appear on Mikan's face as she nodded.
"So how did you two meet?"
Mikan and Fuyuhiko exchanged a glance, before Mikan giggled a bit.
"Yakuza movies and a hospital."
"Ugh, are they coming back yet?" Junko demanded, tapping her foot on the floor impatiently, watching the security cameras for any sign of the trio of would-be murderers.
"I don't think they are," Mukuro replied, cutting through the last rope that bound her with her throwing knife.
"I can't believe this! The first real despair-inducing situation I've been through in a year, and they leave before they kill me?! Those cowards! Those monsters, those cruel cruel cruel cruel cruel cruel cruel cruel fuckasses!"
"Um... excuse me," A brunette in a suit similar to the shortie and the silver-haired samurai showed up. "I'm looking for a blonde guy about this tall," he gestured to his shoulder," wearing a suit, and a red-eyed woman with silver hair carrying a sword."
"They brought the crying brunette with uneven hair to a cafe over there," Mukuro pointed in the direction of the cafe with one hand as she used the other to pull a spear out of the wall.
"Crying- they have Mikan too?!" The suited brunette paused, taking in the damage done to the walls of the home. He wasn't sure if he should offer to pay for it or not, since he wasn't sure if this was the home of the person who took Fuyuhiko's eye. If it was an innocent person's home, he would have to pay as an apology. But if it really was the eye thief, then they probably deserved it.
He decided to compromise.
"I have the number for the Oowada Carpentry Company if you need it."
"No, I'll be fine," Mukuro replied, removing her knives from the wall one by one.
"Alright, thank you for your help," He waved and walked away.
Bonus:
"Celes! Celes!" Aoi hissed, pointing at one of the tables as she prepared another cup of tea. "Look!"
"I see where you're pointing, but not why I should care," Celestia replied, absentmindedly counting the money in the cash register.
"It's the pair from Hanamura's Diner! The one I told you about! And there's another person!"
"The... the pair with the woman who screamed lewd things in a crowded restaurant?" Celestia asked for confirmation, watching the table's occupants carefully in case one of them tried anything.
"I mean yeah, but I thought it was because that guy was totally a Yakuza!" Aoi exclaimed. "And it was like, 'mua ha ha ha! You're in so much debt now!' and the woman was so desperate that she was like 'noooooo! Please, let me do anything! Anything but my organs!'''
"Why would they have that conversation in a restaurant?" Celestia inquired.
"Who knows!" Aoi seemed excited just from thinking up possibilities, before looking concerned. "But the number of Yakuza seems to have multiplied! Do you think she's in any danger?"
"They seem to be on good terms," Celestia pointed out, gesturing to the trio smiling at each other.
"Was she Yakuza all along?!" Aoi gasped.
"Perhaps they're just office workers," Celestia suggested.
"That woman has a sword on her back!"
"Cosplayers then," Celestia concluded. "But I don't see why it matters as long as they pay."
Aoi sulked from Celestia's complete lack of morals and refusal to give a damn. She was so busy sulking that she didn't notice that she accidentally made five cups of tea, four more than she actually needed. Dang.
At least they were delicious.
Fun Fact: Junko is under house arrest. She tried to bomb her boyfriend's car and claimed that it was in self-defense, since he tried to assault her. Junko is still loved by the public for being a cute model though, and she works from home.
Junko didn't follow them because it's funnier that way.