Chapter Eleven

The atmosphere was sepulchral. Allison and Claire sipped champagne, ruminating.

Allison recalled how Bender described his homelife:

It's like living in a combat zone. There's a ticking time bomb next to you just waiting to go off. If you talk, the bomb explodes. If you move, the bomb explodes. If you keep your mouth shut and play dead, the bomb explodes. It's a no-win scenario.

The somber mood was bringing Allison down. She gazed at Claire. "What's up?"

Claire frowned. "I can't stop thinking about John. I miss him so bad." She clenched her jaw. "I'm sick of this shit! I don't think I've ever cried this much in my life." She gulped her drink. "At least you got to see Andy. At the funeral, they didn't open John's casket. You know what means, right?" Claire balled her fists. Her body trembled.

Allison wrapped her arms around Claire and held her close, soothing her. Claire was racked with heaving sobs. Allison clung to her.

Claire sniffled. "Does it ever get better?"

"Eventually." Allison wished she could believe that.

Claire pulled it together and wiped her eyes. Her makeup was smeared. "This sucks." She got up and went into the bathroom.

Allison lit a cigarette and sighed. Whenever she thought she was making progress, anguish punched her in the belly. She felt like vomiting. She shut her eyes, waiting for the nausea to pass.

When Allison opened her eyes, she saw Claire staring at her, her face etched with concern. "Are you okay?"

Allison shook her head. The motion made her dizzy. "I feel like shit. Why?"

"You know. I thought you were gonna squeeze the life out of Andy."

"I can't help the way I feel." Allison drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her shins, withdrawing into her protective shell.

Claire plopped down beside Allison and lay her head on Allison's shoulder. Allison rested her hands on her lap and moped. "Shit."

Claire sat up, alarmed. "What's wrong?"

Allison refused to look at Claire. "I don't know if I should say."

"I'm your friend; you can tell me anything."

"Okay, but remember: you asked for it."

"Come on! Don't leave me hanging like this."

"First you have to promise not to get mad at me."

"Why?"

"Just promise me you won't get mad."

Claire sighed. "All right, I promise! Now tell me what the big secret is."

Allison winced. "I slept with John."

"What?!" Claire was stunned.

"It's the one and only time I ever had sex."

"Oh my god." Claire glared at Allison, furious. "How could you?"

"You promised you wouldn't get mad."

"Yeah, but—"

"Besides, you had your chance with John, but you blew him off. It's not like you two were dating."

Claire felt betrayed. "You knew how I felt about him."

"I felt the same way about Andy. But you and Andy were gone, and all we had was each other."

"I thought you said you and John were just friends."

"We were."

"So?"

"So one night we were really drunk and it just ... happened."

"Just like that, huh?" Claire's face burned with anger.

"We were lonely. It only happened once."

"Like that makes it any better."

"I'm sorry, Claire. Maybe I shouldn't have told you, but you deserve to know the truth." Allison gulped. "You don't hate me, do you?"

Claire leaned her elbow on the arm of the sofa and propped her head on her hand, pouting. "No. I'm shocked, but I don't hate you. That's life. Shit happens." She frowned. "Is that the only time you ever thought about having sex with John?"

Allison's heart skipped a beat. She couldn't start lying now. "No," she said after a pause. "There was one other time."

Claire's eyes grew wide. "When?"

"That Monday after detention. I was so upset after I yelled at you in front of those other girls, I cut class and went to the football field. I just wanted to sit in the bleachers and be alone so I could cry in peace. There were some stoners getting high down by the concession stands, and I guess John was there and saw me, because he snuck up behind me and scared the shit out of me. We got stoned together for the first time, and—well, anyway. Long story short, I decided to skip school and go home. I asked John if he wanted to come with me, but he said he had to take care of some business. I figured he was gonna confront you and Brian and Andy."

"Boy, did he ever," Claire said, recalling Bender's tirade in the lunchroom.

Allison hung her head. "I wanted to fuck him right then, to get back at you and Andy. It wasn't about John. I just wanted to hurt you and Andy because—well, you know." Allison's mouth was dry. "It was just an impulse. But I'm glad it didn't happen, because that would've been wrong on so many levels. I know we both would've regretted it later."

Claire's mouth was taut. "What about the other time? Do you regret that?"

Allison pursed her lips. "The other time was different. It's okay if you love each other."

Claire's eyes were cold and hard. She stared right through Allison.

Allison bit her fingernail. "Can you ever forgive me?"

Claire lit a cigarette and sighed. "I guess."

"Are you sure?"

Claire nodded and looked Allison in the eye. "I forgive you."

Allison blanched. "Are we still friends?"

Claire forced a semblance of a smile. "Yeah. I can't blame you for what happened in the past. It's all right."

Allison's relief was immense. "Thank you."

Claire's fake smile broadened into a genuine grin. "So how was it?"

"I don't know."

"Don't cop out on me now, Alli. I already said I forgive you, so spill it."

Allison scratched her chin. "Honestly, it was kind of weird."

Claire furrowed her brow. "Weird how? Oh my god. Was John a pervert?"

Allison laughed, releasing her pent-up anxiety. "Of course not!" She smiled at the memory. "He was really sweet, actually."

"So what was the problem?"

Allison blew her bangs off her forehead. "Well, for one thing, we were both shit-faced. It was New Year's Eve and we were partying with some friends. No big deal, just sitting around the apartment, drinking and getting baked. Later on, after everyone else left, well, one thing led to another and—" She blushed. "You know, I so wanted it to be Andy who popped my cherry—"

"Popped your cherry?" Claire giggled. "God! You talk just like one of the guys, I swear!"

"Anyway, it was New Year's Eve, we were drunk as shit, and somehow we ended up kissing. One thing led to another, and the next thing I knew, we were naked on the couch, groping each other like animals."

"Was it good?"

Allison massaged her temples. She felt the onset of a migraine headache. "He was really gentle. I was surprised." She paused, thinking. "I guess the chemistry wasn't right. I was still in love with Andy, and John was still in love with you. We were such close friends, it was almost like incest. It felt like I was having sex with my brother."

Claire covered her mouth. "Gross!"

"I guess that's why we never did it again. The next day we could hardly look at each other, we were so embarrassed." Allison wiped her forehead on the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up, after all."

Claire wrapped her arm around Allison's shoulders. "It's okay. I'm glad you told me."

Allison relaxed, because she knew their friendship was strong enough to survive anything now. "I feel so relieved you aren't pissed off about it."

"Yeah, well, as long as we're spilling our guts, I guess I ought to come clean." Claire propped her legs on the coffee table. "I had sex with John too."

Allison was floored. "Seriously?"

Claire smiled. "It was our little secret. I ran into him at the Texaco station one day after he dropped out of school. He was pumping gas. I had him fill up my tank and check my oil. We started talking. My parents were out of town, so I invited to come stay with me until they got back. The first couple nights we slept together, but no sex. We just made out. He was a real gentleman about it."

Allison was on the edge of her seat. "Go on."

Claire dragged on her cigarette and exhaled smoke. "The third night we made love. It was great. We spent the whole weekend in bed. I told him my parents could never know about it. He said he understood. We dated for about a month, sneaking around behind my parents' back. It was a real thrill—for a while."

"What went wrong?"

Claire's face screwed up in sadness. "I got pregnant."

Allison flinched. "Holy shit."

"He said he wanted to do the right thing and marry me, but I wasn't ready for kids." Claire's eyes brimmed with tears. "I had an abortion."

"Oh, wow." Allison held Claire's hand. "That must've been awful."

Claire brushed away a tear. "When I told John, he got super pissed. He said I had no right to do that to him. I told him, 'What I do with my body is my business.' He called me a spoiled bitch, so I slapped him. He made a fist like he was gonna hit me. I was so scared."

Allison's heart sank. "Did he?"

Claire shook her head. "He kicked a dent in my car and stormed out. That was the last time I ever saw him."

Claire broke down and sobbed. Allison consoled her.

Claire wiped her eyes and sniffed. "I could have married him but I pushed him away. I can't blame him for hating me after that." She gazed at Allison. "He never told you about that?"

Allison shook her head. "All he said was he wanted to have kids someday, if he ever got the chance."

Claire squeezed Allison's hand. "Thanks for staying. It feels good to get this off my chest."

"Nothing like that ever happened between you and Andy, did it?" Allison cringed at the thought—although it would be poetic justice, in a way.

Claire smiled, but it was bittersweet. "We were just friends. We helped each other make it through graduation, but after that, we went off to college. We still exchange Christmas cards, but that's about it." She chuckled. "Everyone at school thought we were dating. We even went to the prom together. We were voted king and queen of the senior prom. Andy said the other jocks were always asking him what I was like in bed. He kept telling them we were just friends, but they didn't believe him. It was the same way for me. All the gossipy sluts wanted to know what Andy was like in bed. They're as bad as guys, when you think about it."

Allison flashed a wry grin. "I guess we're jinxed when it comes to love."

Claire stubbed out her cigarette in an ornate ashtray. "Maybe I'm a slow learner, but I keep trying." She patted Allison on the back. "What about you?"

Allison seemed to sink into the sofa. "I think about it sometimes, but ... I don't know."

"You don't want to spend the rest of your life alone, do you?"

Allison hemmed and hawed. "It's just—it's hard, you know? It's really hard."

"You have to let go of the past. It's hard—days like today sure as hell doesn't make it any easier—but at least I'm out there socializing and meeting people. Sometimes you have to take a chance, even if it means getting hurt."

Allison snorted. "You're just repeating the same shit I told you."

"Well, you were right. Maybe you should take your own advice."

"You don't know what it's like for me. I'm ... different." Allison blew out her breath and rubbed her forehead with her fingertips. "Ah, shit."

"I know how you feel, but you gotta do what you gotta do. You know what I mean?"

Allison folded her arms across her chest. "I'm afraid if my heart gets broken again, I'll never be able to put it back together."

Claire touched Allison's arm. "Remember what you said in detention, about when you get old, your heart dies?"

Allison nodded.

"Well, if you never let anyone get close enough to love you, your heart will die for sure."

Allison hung her head. Tears leaked from her eyes. "I know."

"You have to learn how to love yourself before you can love somebody else."

Allison blew her nose in a tissue and dropped it in a wastebasket. "I'm still working on that." She wiped her eyes with a fresh tissue. "I'm what you call a work in progress."

"We all are. You're not alone." Claire cleared her throat. "So, what're you gonna do about your parents?"

Allison sighed. Her face was blotchy and streaked with tears. "I don't even know if they're still alive."

"You really need to talk to them. They must be worried sick about you."

"They don't give a shit."

"How do you know? We've changed over the years; maybe they've changed too. It's possible."

"Maybe."

"It's worth a try." Claire got up and went to the bar. "You want a drink?"

"We already polished off a bottle of champagne. This must be costing you a fortune."

Claire shrugged. "Fuck it, it's only money."

Allison smirked. "Spoken like a true rich bitch."

Claire giggled. "Spoken like a true lunatic." She set a pair of cocktail glasses on the bar. "Come on. One more drink, then we'd better crash. It's getting late."

"All right, on one condition."

"Name it."

"We go see Mrs. Bender before you leave. I want to make sure she's okay."

"Deal." Claire made Allison a Screwdriver and fixed herself a Martini. She sat back down on the couch and handed Allison the beverage. "Cheers."

"Bottoms up."

They nursed their drinks, savoring their companionship. Allison was grateful she and Claire had been able to clear the air and remain friends. "I was so scared to tell you about me and John. I thought you'd kill me if you knew."

Claire nodded. "I'll bet." She sipped her Martini, reminiscing. "He must've fucked a million girls. Remember all those pictures in his wallet?"

Allison grinned. "That was total bullshit. John didn't even know most of those girls."

"What?"

Allison explained Bender's picture scam. Claire rolled her eyes. "That figures."

"Yep. He was a compulsive liar."

"Takes one to know one."

They laughed. Warmth flowed from them like perspiration on a hot summer day. "I never told anyone that before," Allison said. "He made me promise not to." She swigged the rest of her drink and grimaced. "I guess it doesn't matter now."

Claire downed her Martini, set the empty glass on the table, and belched. "Pardon me."

"Pretty crude behavior for such a pristine girl. Where are your manners, young lady? Were you raised by social misfits?"

"You mean like us?"

"Exactly."

Claire started giggling and couldn't stop. Allison stared at her. "Oh, come on. It wasn't that funny. You don't have to humor me."

Claire shook her head, red-faced. "I was just thinking about when we were dancing in detention. Remember when you collapsed face-down in front of that statue? You looked like you were having a seizure!"

Allison laughed. The alcohol had gone straight to her head. "Yeah, well, I guess I don't have your natural grace and poise."

Claire rolled her eyes. "Oh, please!"

"No, really. You've got great dance moves."

Claire batted her eyelashes. "Thanks."

Allison smiled. "Remember when we were doing the twist on top of that wooden railing?"

"I'm surprised we didn't fall and break our necks. I was pretty wasted. That was the first time I ever got stoned, you know."

"What about Andy? He totally lost his shit."

"Yeah he did. I've never seen him act like that before. He was blown."

"So was Brian."

Claire laughed. "Oh my god! He's an even worse dancer than you."

"Thanks a lot, Cherry."

Claire's grin faded. She felt like she had been doused with ice water. "Please don't call me that. Only one person ever called me that."

"I'm sorry."

Claire waved a hand. "It's okay. It's just—I'm still trying to get used to the idea that I'll ever see him again ... not in this life, anyway."

Allison tilted her head, her curiosity piqued. "Are you religious?"

"Not really, but I'd like to think there's an afterlife. It's a nice idea. I don't know if I believe in it, but it's still a nice idea. What about you?"

"No, but I think I'm a spiritual person. I feel like I'm in harmony with Nature."

"You mean, like a witch, or something?" Claire joked.

"I'm serious. Some people believe in reincarnation. What do you think?"

Claire shrugged. "I don't know. I've never really thought about it before. I suppose it's possible, but who knows?" She sighed. "That's what sucks about religion. You have to wait till you die before you find the answer. That's such a rip-off."

"Life's a rip-off."

"Maybe, but I'll take life over death any day."

Allison scratched her chin, gazing at Claire. "I always wanted to have a sister."

"Me, too."

Allison gripped Claire's shoulder. "You do now."

Claire smiled. There were tears in her eyes again, but these were tears of joy. "Thanks, Alli."

"What are friends for?"

Claire embraced Allison. "I love you. You know that, right?"

Allison smiled. "I love you too, Claire."

"Well." Claire put her hands on her thighs and stood up, swaying slightly. Her knees popped like firecrackers. "Whoa! I shouldn't have got up so fast."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I just got a little dizzy for a moment."

"You sure?"

"Mm-hm." Claire checked to see if the door was locked. It was. "We'd better get some sleep, my dear. Tomorrow's gonna be another long day. I have to jet back to The Big Apple."

"Hey, I've always wondered: Why do people call it that?"

Claire paused, thinking about the question. "I don't know. It's a New York thing, I guess."

Allison rubbed her eyes. "I'm bushed. Let's call it a night."

"I'm gonna go brush my teeth and pee."

Allison curled her lip. "Too much information."

Claire smirked. "Maybe I'll take a shit while I'm at it and stink up the bathroom for you."

"Thanks a lot!"

Claire slapped Allison's arm with the back of her hand. "You can take a shower, if you want. I'm gonna wait and take one in the morning."

"I'll just wait and take one when we get up. My head's spinning so bad right now, I'd probably slip in the tub and break my neck."

"You want some pajamas?"

"No, thanks."

"All right, then." Claire sighed. "Time to hit the sack."

"Definitely."

"You can use my toothbrush, if you want."

"Ew!" Allison pretended to be disgusted. "I don't want to get cooties."

Claire shook her head, grinning. "Same old Allison."

"Same old Claire." Allison yawned. "Shit! I'm wiped out."

Claire snapped her fingers. "I'd better call the front desk and schedule a wake-up call. What time do you want get up?"

"When does your flight leave?"

"One-thirty."

Allison glanced at her watch. "How about ten o'clock? Will that leave you enough time? Remember, we have to go see Mrs. Bender before you leave."

Claire covered her mouth, stifling a yawn. "Better make it nine-thirty, just in case."

"Works for me."

Claire called the front desk and requested a wake-up call. Allison lit a cigarette. After ringing the night clerk, Claire went into the bathroom and got ready for bed. When she came out, Allison was asleep on the sofa. Claire smiled. Allison looked so innocent and childlike, lying there curled up in a ball. Claire took a blanket from one of the beds and laid it over Allison. She bent down and kissed Allison's forehead.

"Good night, baby girl," she whispered.