Two days old

All my life I had known I would one day become a mother. I had imagined what it would feel like to have a baby inside of me. I'd imagined giving birth and imagined what it would be like to see my child's face for the first time. I had gotten to know what it felt like to carry a baby, I'd found out what giving birth felt like but let me tell you; nothing I had ever imagined could ever compare to what it felt like to hold my daughter for the first time.

It was the 24th of August and our babies had been born merely two days, though it had already felt like weeks. This morning the nurses were bringing Harper out of her incubator and into my room until we were ready to go home, and the terror I felt watching the door while I waited for them was overwhelming. She was safe in the NICU. She had nurses and doctors around 24/7 and she was attached to machines that would alert us if something happened to her. In my room there was just me. Jane and I and no one else.

"Look Harper…" A quiet voice came from the doorway, our daughter nestled in one of the swaddling blankets we had bought from home. "It's mummy." I sucked in a breath at the use of the term mummy again. I didn't know if I was ever going to get used to it. Jane was off with Frankie spending some time with Noah in the NICU and I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed by her absence.

"Is she okay?" I asked when the nurse got closer, leaning forward to place Harper in my arms. The nurse merely nodded as she let Harper rest in my arms, gently adjusting the little beanie she was wearing. She must have noticed the nervous expression on my face, because without saying a word she grabbed the nurse call bell and placed it beside me on the bed. "Thank you." I whispered, looking up at her as I took two deep breaths.

When the door closed behind the friendly nurse, I took my first proper look down at my daughter. She was sleeping peacefully, her small lips twitching at the corners every few seconds as though she were trying to smile. I gently rocked her back and forth in my arms as I felt an involuntary smile make its way onto my lips. Oxytocin was a powerful hormone.

"Hi, little Harper." I whispered, lifting her so I could lightly press my lips against her skin for the first time. Her baby smell washed over me and I felt my eyes drift closed. I held her against my face, letting myself completely immerse in the new love and admiration I was feeling. I assumed the love I would feel for her would feel similar to the love I felt towards Jane; but it was completely different.

I pulled her away from my face, wanting to do nothing but stare at her. I lifted the cap off of her head and smiled when I noticed the dark blonde hair that sat on top of her head. I was desperate to see those green eyes again; but I wouldn't have dared to wake her up when she looked so peaceful. She had a small dimple on her left cheek that was visible even when she wasn't using any of her facial muscles; just like Jane.

"I'm your mummy." I told her, smiling down as I noticed a tear drop fall from my cheek onto her swaddling blanket. I rolled my eyes at myself, sniffling quietly as I rocked her side to side slowly. My head shot up as Jane walked into the room, my finger moving to my lips to warn her to be quiet. I was aware that babies could sleep through quite a lot, but I wanted nothing more than a peaceful environment for our little girl.

"How is she?" Jane whispered; a warm smile on her face as she leant down and pressed her lips against mine. Her kiss lingered against my lips longer than it had in a long time. I just nodded my eyes going back down to the little girl who had completely stolen my heart.

We sat there quietly, both our eyes directed at our daughter. I let one of my fingers trace over the dimple on her cheek, and I heard Jane chuckle quietly beside me as I pressed my lips against the same feature on her face.

"How's Noah?" I asked; frowning as I realised our little family unit wasn't quite complete just yet. Jane sighed quietly, moving to sit on the bed beside me, leaning down to gently press a kiss against Harpers covered head.

"The same." She said with a small shrug, clearly not wanting to give me any more details than she needed to.

"I bet you miss your brother huh?" I asked, pressing another kiss to Harpers cheek. I had a feeling kissing her face was going to become something I annoyed her with for the rest of her life.

"Please. She's probably thrilled to have some time away from him." Jane teased, scoffing quietly as three quiet knocks rapped on the door. I automatically frowned towards the sound, holding Harper closer to my chest protectively. Jane was up and opening the door in seconds, Frankie peeking his head in with a beaming smile. I nodded toward Jane, silently letting her know we were more okay than having visitors.

"How are you doing?" Frankie asked in a hushed voice as he leant forward and pressed his lips lightly to each of my cheeks. I just nodded, not wanting to him or Jane that any time I thought of our son I wanted to burst into tears. "Can I hold her?" He asked, and I immediately pulled Harper even tighter against me. Jane stifled a laugh, placing a hand on her brother's shoulder.

"When Maura has a nap." She promised, and I made a point to tell her after he left that no one was to be holding our baby girl while I was sleeping except for her and medical professionals. "She's a looker though, huh?" Jane said with a proud smile as we all stared lovingly at the little girl in my arms.

"She's beautiful." He whispered, groaning at himself as a single tear slipped from one of his eyes.

"Do you want me to get your mum to take you to see Noah?" Jane asked me as she gently took Harper from my arms. I crossed my arms across my chest, hating the emptiness Harpers body left behind. I shook my head, watching Jane moving from heel to heel as she rocked our daughter. "Do you want me to take you? You haven't seen him since…"

"I said I don't want to." I snapped, cutting her off. Frankies eyes shifted awkwardly between the two of us. Without saying a word, he pressed a gently kiss to Harpers forehead and left the room. The silence that followed his exit was echoing in my ears and I knew what was coming.

"Why don't you want to…"

"Do you realise he could die? At any second he could die. But she isn't going to die. She needs me here." I told her, keeping my voice as even and as calm as I possibly could under the given circumstances. Her eyes softened as she placed Harper in the small bassinet the hospital had placed in my room for her.

"Say he does die..." Jane started as she sat on the edge of my bed, taking both my hands in hers. "Do you really think not going to see him is going to make that any easier?" I frowned at her question, the logical part of my brain knowing she was right and I knew I had no justifiable argument.

"I'm not ready." I whispered, looking down at our joined hands. She nodded slowly, seeming to accept, for now, that nothing she could say would get me out of this bed and up to the NICU.

"Your family is here, everyone wants to come say hello." She told me in a whisper as Harper started to stir in her crib, the sound of her quiet cries making my heart race. I reached my arms out towards her and Jane wasted no time in taking her out of the bassinet and into my arms.

"Go get everyone." I told Jane without looking up from our baby girl who was back in the safety of my arms. I knew with the amount of people that were about to walk through the door, I was going to have to hand her over to people; to trust other people with her fragile body. I swallowed hard.

"Eek!" Cailin exclaimed quietly, jumping and clapping her hands as she ran through the door ahead of everyone. An involuntary smile found its way onto my lips at my sister's excitement and I shifted Harper in my arms so she was facing her only aunty.

Close behind her were the rest of our family. Hope, my parents, Janes mother, Tommy and Lydia and Frankie. Every single one of their faces seem to beam with excitement when they noticed the small bundle in my arms.

"Can I hold her?" Cailin asked with a hopeful look all over her face, but my eyes moved straight Frankie who was lingering behind everyone else.

"After Frankie." I promised my sister, catching his attention as I spoke. He made his way to the front of our family and smiled affectionately down at me as Jane took Harper from my arms, slowly and careful letting her brother take our babies life in his hands. Okay; that might
be a bit dramatic, but it's exactly how it felt.

"How are you feeling?" My mother asked as she placed a light kiss to my forehead. I sighed loudly, shrugging my shoulders when I realised I had no real idea how I was feeling. I was overwhelmingly happy when I was looking at or thinking about Harper, but the second my thoughts moved to Baby B my heart dropped and my palms began to sweat.

The following hour went by painfully slowly as I watched Harper be passed around person to person. I could not have been more relieved than I was when I saw her finally nestled back safely in Jane's arms. Everyone started to slowly leave the room and before I knew it I was alone. Jane had decided to walk everyone out to the waiting room with Harper, and I didn't bother to argue.

I pressed down on the call button that the nurse had left on my bed earlier and patiently waited for merely fifteen seconds before the same lovely woman came into my room.

"I was wondering if you could take me up to the NICU." I asked her with a shaky voice. She smiled at me sympathetically as she moved the wheelchair closer to the bed.

The whole walk from my room to the NICU, I took deep breaths. I prayed Jane would understand why I went alone and not follow me. I prayed even harder that she didn't leave our daughter alone with any of our family without one of her parents.

"Will you be okay on your own?" The nurse asked when we stopped at the entrance and I offered her a small nod and a soft smile as I stood up out of the chair, walking slowly into the room and toward where my son was lying.

I looked straight at him the second I sat down and I felt my heart skip a beat. How did Jane think he was the same as he was the day he was born? He had more colour to his pale skin today than he did before, and he looked to me like he had gained a good amount of weight. He was still significantly smaller than his sister; but he was perfect.

"Hi baby boy." I said with a smile, placing my hand into the hand holes in his incubator, touching his skin for the very first time. He jumped slightly at my sudden touch and a bigger smile made its way onto my lips. "I'm sorry I took so long, but I'm here now." I told him quietly, softly stroking the back of his hand.

I had thought Harper was small, but looking in at her brother's tiny frame I realised just how decent of a size our little girl was. Noah was small; so small. I tried to force my brain out of its current hormonal state and wracked my brain for all the research and studies I had done on babies born pre-term. I remember reading that some babies that were under weight and needed help breathing directly after birth could spend up to eight weeks in hospital. I took a deep breath and thought through what that meant for our family.

It would mean we would take Harper home and he wouldn't be coming home with us.

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I had someone PM me and ask me what dummies are; which are something I said Jane had packed in the baby bag without any thought that maybe people from America wouldn't know the slang. A dummy is a pacifier!

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Next update is going to be a loooonggg one so get ready!