Chapter 11: 9. Things You Said When I was Crying

Notes:

So, I wanted a good idea, but also one that wasn't too outlandish. I settled with this, but when I was writing it Hiroki seemed a bit OOC. I don't know. He gets easily stressed, but I don't take him to be this extremely down on himself.

Chapter Text

The room fell into silence as the students began the short reading section Hiroki had just assigned. The professor settled into his chair and pulled out Akihiko's newest novel. The quiet was soon cut short by a disrespectful chuckle. Hiroki glanced up from the page he was reading with a death glare.

"What exactly do you find so funny about the reading, Sugiwara?"

"Nothing, sir. I was just…"

"Reading a text, I see. Do your work or leave."

"But, sir, I was about to—"

Hiroki flung a piece of chalk straight at his head making him flinch. "Get to work this instant or leave. Don't make me repeat myself. Perhaps you don't care about my class, but other students do."

"Y-yes, sir."

When class had ended, Hiroki stretched his arms with a groan. Some days were more tiring than others, and somehow today had been worse. They had just read the passage, how could none of the students recall such simple facts? Putting the thought aside, he strode to his office ready to grade a couple papers before heading out for the day.

When he opened his joint-office's door, he gawked at his associate. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Buying sex toys. What does it look like?"

Hiroki glanced quickly down the hall to make sure the coast was clear before shutting the door behind himself. "You moron. Why would you do that here?"

"Shinobu likes to check my internet history. Thought I'd surprise him."

Sighing, he moved to his chair flopping down into it. "Great. Surprising that terror is definitely worth risking your job over."

Miyagi shrugged. "Already risky, why not go with it."

Hiroki grabbed his red pen and the first paper off his fresh stack of essays. "Keep digging that hole, and you might never get out of it."

There came a knock at the door. Before Miyagi had time to close the tab the door opened showing a frowning Dean. As the two occupants gawked at his sudden intrusion, the Dean's jaw tightened. He quickly shut the door looking more upset than either of them had seen him before.

"Yoh, why are you looking at such things?"

"I—" Miyagi let the sentence hang for a moment before blurting, "I was helping Kamijou look for something that he could use with his boyfriend so that he could spend more time grading."

The Dean set his eyes upon Hiroki. "Is that true?"

Hiroki opened his mouth to protest, but Miyagi gave him pleading eyes. His brow twitched as he bowed his head.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you today, Kamijou."

Hiroki flinched slightly. What did that mean?

"Come with me. We need to speak in private."

He obediently rose, glaring at Miyagi who gave him a sympathetic look.

They walked in tense silence until reaching the office. They stepped inside, and the Dean gruffly ordered him to sit while he remained hovering over him like an authoritative giant.

"We've received another complaint. This makes the fifth time one of your students has accused you of classroom cruelty."

"With all respect, sir, he wasn't doing his work."

"I understand that you take your job seriously, however, even that does not give you the right to harm students."

"I barely harmed him, sir. It was a mere tap of chalk to the head."

"Even so, we have no way of proving that. I like you, Kamijou, but this is a business first and foremost. To us students are clients. We need to keep them satisfied. Am I being perfectly clear?"

Hiroki lowered his head. With tight shoulders, he replied, "Yes, sir," though it felt like a piece of him were dying.

The Dean sighed, finally settling into his cushioned chair. "As for the other matter, I will not judge you for your private life choices, but do try to remain professional while on the job."

"Yes, very sorry, sir."

The Dean waved his hand submissively. "I guess that will be all. Just, try not to be such a nuisance tomorrow, alright?"

Hiroki rose with a heavy heart. "Oh, and Kamijou, send my regards to your boyfriend."

When Hiroki made it back to the apartment he sunk heavily to the floor. What a disaster. His temper had almost been his bad point, but now it was his undoing. What if he was fired? It didn't matter, he had five complaints. It was sure to be on his permeant file my now. How had he let himself become such a screw up? And damn that Miyagi making him look bad on top of it.

Shit! He punched the floor with a furious cry of distress.

Nowaki stumbled from the bedroom staring at him in shock. He seemed off-put, as if he didn't know what to do with him. Perfect. Now Nowaki's image of him was tainted as well. What a perfect day this was.

Nowaki approached him slowly, much like one does a rabid animal. When he was within touching distance, Hiroki latched on, pride forgotten. He pounded on his chest as racking sobs erupted from his chest. Nowaki's hands soothed through his hair and down his back. He whispered assurances softly, but they didn't matter. Hiroki had screwed up, and that was fact. It couldn't be changed.

Finally, he stopped crying out, and Nowaki ventured to ask what was wrong. "I was reprimanded by my boss."

"I'm sorry, Hiro-san. I'm sure it will be fine."

"No, it won't. I have already failed."

"Failed?" Nowaki tilted his head. "Hiro-san, you can't fail your job."

"Yes, I can. I've already failed so many things: my afterschool activities, Akihiko's friendship, my parents. And now I've failed at my job as well. That's what I am, I'm a failure."

"Never say that!" Hiroki didn't reply making Nowaki's brow tighten with worry. "How have you failed Usami-san and your parents?"

Hiroki slumped against him tiredly. "As you know I tried to be the best at everything I did in school. People began to look up to me, but I didn't expend time socializing. That is, until I met Akihiko. One day he kissed me like it was nothing—and to him it was. But that stuck with me. Not only did I fall in love with him, but realized that I was gay. I soon realized that my feelings wouldn't reach him, so I sought comfort elsewhere. Do you even know how many men I've slept with? I don't even know." He released an ugly sort of laugh. "One day my father caught me. Know what he did? He just shook his head. I wish he'd been furious, at least then I could have known how he felt. Instead he just stopped talking to me. It took an entire month before he spoke to me again, and even then he never mentioned it again. That's how much he hates that I'm gay."

"I'm sure that's not so, Hiro-san. Perhaps he was waiting for you to talk it over with him."

"If it wasn't bad enough that I was betraying my love for Akihiko with any random dick I could find," he could feel Nowaki cringe at that, "then I went and forced him into that 'One Night.' I hurt us both that day. See," he laughed humorously, "I even failed myself."

Nowaki hugged him tightly. "We all make mistakes. You just need to move past them."

"No. I fail everyone."

"You haven't failed me."

"Haven't I? It was my fault for not listening when you left that we fought so. It was my fault that you went back into work without any sleep last week. It is my fault that you are stuck here with a worthless old grump."

"No it's not. I chose to be with you. I love this old grump more than you can know. Last week was worth the loss of sleep, and back then I should have made sure you heard me before leaving. It was partially my fault. It is a two-way street, Hiro-san."

Hiroki tried to push himself out of his grasp, but Nowaki just hugged him tighter. "I know what you're trying to do, but it changes nothing."

"No, it does, Hiro-san. You are a Japanese professor, right? Shouldn't you understand the definition of a failure?"

"I don't-"

"What is the definition, Hiro-san?"

"Being unsuccessful."

"Then let me tell you how you have been successful. You have made me fall in love with you. You have been a wonderful boyfriend. You have managed to remain best friends with Usami-san either though you both had a difficult situation. You have landed a successful career, and even though you may be too hard on your students, you care about their educations. You want to improve the lives of others and help them see the merits of the literature that you love. And you have become the bigger man to help Miyagi-san stay on good terms with your boss. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. Overall, Hiro-san, I would say that you are a success."

"Do you really mean all that?"

"Of course I do. I love and respect you more than anyone, Hiro-san."

Hiroki could feel tears in his eyes again, but these felt lighter, sweeter. Nowaki was too good for him, and while he would never feel that he deserved him, he was not going to ever complain. With a trembling smile, he grasped onto the arms surrounding him.