By: the-magenta-ranger
Disclaimer: I do not own the Power Rangers. (The show, I mean, as I do own some of the action figures.) -grin-
A/N: Gah. I know, I know. Everyone's done an All-About-Beevil look-back. Totally unoriginal on my part. –hehe- But I couldn't help it! I like looking into Marah's character and creating reasons for why she is the way she is. It's my…sort-of justification for her betraying Dustin! –grin-
Theme 10: Lost
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Instant Eleven: Bending Dispositions xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm lost.
So dang lost that…it's not even funny anymore.
No. I'm not lost…like, actually, physically lost. More like. Just. Spiritually. Mentally.
Or something.
Gah.
I mean I…don't get anything anymore. The world…it doesn't make sense.
All my life. All my LIFE, I've been raised a certain way.
"Power is everything, Marah."
"Never be fooled by those fanciful notions—love, friendship, honor."
"Those who trust don't survive in the end."
"Live on hatred."
"Do things so that you always come out on top in the end, Marah."
"Disregard others. Simply because they're not you, they don't matter."
Generally, the influencing voices of my childhood were all telling me one thing:
"Be evil, Marah."
And as a naïve little girl, I bought it. Of course. Because, I mean, I'm Marah. Stupid little so-easily-pathetically-swayed Marah.
I thrived on evilness. I remember when I was like…8, I think. I'd lent Kapri my doll once. Because, she's…my sister, you know? Surely you can be nice to your own sister.
Well, she broke the thing. And I remember…vowing to never share—never trust Kapri again.
I've been let down by so many people.
My parents. For abandoning us. Thanks a whole bunch mom and dad! Did you know that Uncle Lothor, the guy you so flippantly left to care for us, basically doesn't think much of our existences? Seriously?
Of course you wouldn't. Because you were never there!
Uncle. Now he is evil through and through. Feelings don't matter. Family doesn't matter. But power does.
The bastard!
Kapri. Well…I already said the doll thing. Yeah. Enough said.
Naturally, because of my surroundings, I learned to care just about me. For my self. Sure. Ok. So alliances existed. Where two people swear on their own lives (because morals are a kind of…unheard of thing here) that they won't attempt to kill each other.
But things like…caring and trust. Like, what the heck is that?
That had always been my world.
Up until a couple of days ago, that is. When I met a power ranger in person for the first time.
His name was Dustin Brooks.
And it's hard to forget how we first officially met.
He saved my life. He's a power ranger so I guess its instinct for him. But for me...
Dang, I was like so incredibly surprised when he suddenly grabbed me from the side.
There I was, depressed over Uncle replacing me and kicking me off the ship. I immediately headed for Earth and started walking gloomily down the middle of this dirt road. (Yeah, pretty stupid, I know!) These bikers almost run me over and—BAM!
The guy like comes out of nowhere, and tackles me…to safety.
I landed halfway on top of him, and our eyes met. I was lost then too. His eyes were such a nice brown. Not like Uncles dirt colored orbs. Like a mix of hazel and auburn.
He smiled.
And I almost blushed.
He was a powerranger for Pete's sake! He wasn't my enemy at the moment, no. But hello?
There was a little thing called history involved!
Nonetheless, we became friends. Like real friends. Not the ones who backstab you, replacing you for a chance at eternal glory, that sort of thing. But like mutual trust, I-actually-care-about-you-as-you-care-about-me, teasing, (flirting) friends.
We plotted together too. To take down Uncle. And I remember being so super excited.
Because it felt like…like-I don't know…like I was finally part of something…real. Part of something that held true purpose. Part of something that…I wanted to be part of. And not just was trained—forced—to be part of.
The change was really…new. Refreshing.
…Weird. Because that was not how I was raised to be. I was supposed to take all this trust, friendship, blah, blah, blah thing. Beat it up. Kick it when it was down. Then spit on its bloody corpse!
…Right?
When I had first revealed my true self to him, he naturally went back on guard.
And I thought that was how things were supposed to be. The universe was once again in balance.
When he noticed my not exactly in-the-mood-for-a-fight hysterical state, he broke down his bearings. Sat next to me.
I cried and spilled my guts to him, not really caring that we were supposed to be like fighting or something. I just needed to wail and have someone there to listen to me wail. Dustin told me he believed me. He swore he believed me. And I was kind of like—what the heck?
Then I was all, "WHAT THE HECK?" when the guy tried to comfort me. Pat on the back and everything!
At one point I was so confused—so frustrated—that I just wanted to slap him! Slap that cute, smiling face that was slowly earning my trust, hurt that adorably charming boy who was saying these seriously stupid things.
How could I, Marah, an evil space ninja, the power rangers' nemesis, turn to the good side?
Like I said before, though, I was somehow convinced. (God, I'm an idiot!)
Uncle found me that night. He said he'd been watching me and that this was the perfect chance to defeat the power rangers. To earn my way back on the ship.
I agreed instantaneously, pushing all thoughts of Dustin Brooks out of my head. His kindness, his trust, his friendship into the backburner.
It was all his damn fault anyway!
But…my confidence wasn't as strong as I'd hoped it be. I didn't have a very good sleep that night.
The next day, I waited patiently at the spot I told Dustin to meet me. To give him a weapon that would be able to defeat Beevil. Supposedly.
Uncle had supped it up last night so that instead it would be used to drain the rangers of their powers. My fingers clutched nervously at the trigger. If the yellow ranger knew what was good for him, he wouldn't come!
But he did. Of course.
My heart fluttered and I put an angry hand to my chest to force the erratic thumps out of my system.
Upon seeing me coming out of my hiding place behind a bush, he smiled. I smiled. He smiled wider. I smiled wider. Like the domino effect!
Out of the blue, he picked a twig out of my hair. And I reddened. When he mumbled a quiet sorry…it took a lot to not act out on my impulse to kiss him.
…Talk about embarrassing! …And totally wrong. In my head we were enemies now! Behind every one of my smiles, my gestures, my giggles, there were lies.
I was going to successfully deceive this person. The first person to have ever trusted me…to have ever looked at me with something other than disgust or pity or contempt. I was going to take advantage of that.
Because I'm a villain. And will be forever. I was raised to be evil. So that's what I'll always be. All I'll ever be. With Uncle, Kapri, the generals, the kelzaks. On the ship. It's where I belong. It's my place in the universe. It's…all that I've ever known.
My heart was waiting for some suspicion in his voice, some glint in his auburn orbs that he knew I was lying.
There was no sign like that.
Only this…honesty.
Once I realized it, it was so hard for me to…look him in the eyes.
When the plan had fully been set out, he thanked me with all the sincerity he had (I could feel it), nodded a goodbye, and threw me one of those grins. I almost choked.
Later I fought Beevil. It was an act, of course. Like when we were kids. It was only supposed to look real. Catch the rangers off guard with my betrayal at the end. Uncle said it would feel really good when I turned on them, when I turned on the yellow ranger.
It didn't. There was only this…heaviness.
They came soon, Dustin calling out and throwing me the charged up device. I quickly zapped Beevil like how we practiced, though my movements were all like…robotic.
I wasn't the one moving. Whatever it was that made up all my evil. That's what was moving my body.
At the turn of my betrayal, Dustin was in front of the group, his mask was up, and his expression…
His lips were slightly parted with his sharp breathing, his eyebrows knitted, and his eyes were so…Like somehow he'd had his insides torn to shreds. It was…heart breaking. I took a hollow breath, my heart beat quickening, and my eyes were all…glossy. I could feel it.
I nearly lost my sanity when I took a step forward, wanting to hug him.
No! What the hell was happening! I'm evil, remember? Care for no one…and…stuff…
I told him something harsh. Something about him being so much stupider than me to have actually trusted me.
And it had been really what I was feeling at the moment. He shouldn't have done any of that. He should've been more suspicious, more distrusting, more…smart! I was his enemy, for pete's sake! Geez, if I were him, I wouldn't have trusted me.
His eyes took on an even more pained look, and I, not being able to take it—any of it—anymore, disappeared in a flash.
Looking back on it all, I realize that…maybe I was so hurt at Dustin's hurt because I liked the attention…the care…the way he treated me like a friend…a girl…
Not a lackey, not a brat, not an airhead.
I—I…
I am not supposed to be thinking of this! Enemy, remember?
But…maybe. A friend too?
Ugh.
I'm SO confused!
SO…lost.
But I can't help but think that Dustin might've been like…a piece.
A piece of the map that'll lead me where I'll be…not-so-lost.
Home, maybe.
-End-
A/N: Gah! About last chapter, I'm so sorry about the stereotype thing! Had no idea you guys were British. –sweatdrop- Yeah, and my friend Sarah doesn't really talk like that either. –heh- She just picks up sayings from her very, VERY…er…old-fashioned father. But honestly very glad you guys liked it (and took it with good humor). –smile-
Thanks so much for the support from the following:
Anninimouse, Funky In Fishnet, MagCat, CamFan4Ever, JuseaPeterson, and Kris!
Goodness, I swear I wouldn't know what to do without you guys backing me up!Thanks again!
Review!