Notes: I'm terrible. I go on vacation and don't post for several days, then come back and automatically throw a sad chapter at you. Whoops. But Chibs has some things he needs to get off his chest, and well, you can't heal if you leave things bottled up inside, so here we go.

Also, on a happier note before we get into the chapter, I just have to say, the Walker Stalker Convention was absolutely amazing, and all of the celebrity guests went out of their way to make sure everyone was happy. And oh my goodness, Tommy Flanagan is legit the nicest person ever. Like seriously, ever. I was shaking soooo bad when I met him at his booth, and when we went to have the worker-lady take our picture with my phone, I was still super obviously nervous, so he put his arm around me and literally jerked me closer to him just to make me laugh, and then he laughed and was like, "Ha! Works every time!" cause I actually smiled and my nerves calmed down. Also, Ryan Hurst (Opie) is literally like the tallest dude ever, and he's also super nice. And in terms of The Walking Dead, it turns out Norman Reedus and Jeffrey Dean Morgan are also legit super sweet people. So yeah, great experience and if any of you have a chance to go to any of the upcoming conventions, I'd definitely recommend it. :)

So, on that note, into the chapter we go.

Chapter Eleven

"I've Just Been Goddamn Mean to You"

It's amazing when living with someone how their stuff slowly begins to take over the home. Chibs had never considered himself to own an overabundance of stuff, but now that Juice has all but completely moved into his house, he realizes just how much he'd truly accumulated over the years. Suddenly, there's two of everything: two closets worth of clothes, two sets of furniture for each room of the house, two sets of everyday household items and necessities. As he and Juice slowly empty the younger man's house into Chibs', the two realize the amount of work that goes into moving and cleaning, and the reality of the fact that they're truly together finally sinks in. It's not Chibs' house anymore; it's Chibs and Juice's house, and despite the lack of space and sometimes clashing arguments of who gets to keep or move what, everything is okay. They're happy, and in the end, that's all that matters.

Living with Juice is different for Chibs. While Juice has never been in a truly serious relationship, Chibs has been married before. He and Fiona had lived together, had even had a child together, and despite being forced out of the situation, he'd lived with Fiona long enough to know what it was like living with someone. He remembers Fiona and all of her "girly" things cluttering his home, remembers her incessant need to plan things out and dominate the situation, remembers how, despite their once-upon-a-time love for each, their constant bickering began to drive them away long before Jimmy had ever entered their lives. After he'd killed Jimmy, Chibs and Fiona had tried to make things work, but after a short while even the long-distance separating them revealed how incompatible they were with being together. They'd made their divorce official soon after Jimmy's death and officially severed all ties of them ever returning together.

With Juice, he'd expected the course to run similarly. Despite his obvious love for the boy and Juice's feelings for him, he expected the fights and bickering to begin the moment they moved in together, yet it hasn't happened. It's as if the love he thought he'd felt for Fiona had never been real, and this love he feels for Juice is now the only real thing. He doesn't mind the stuff Juice brings into his home, doesn't mind the small arguments they sometimes share because both know they don't mean the angry words said. Juice enjoys letting Chibs make decisions, and when they do clash over something, it's worked out and a compromise is made. Rather than a battleground, their home is a haven, and they enjoying returning home to it each day.

The main difference for Chibs, though, is that Juice is a boy. He never expected himself to fall in love with another man, and his past self would have scoffed at the idea of him ever entering a relationship with someone of the same gender. He used to enjoy the seemingly endless pussy that used to flow through the Club, had bedded many Croweaters in his life, but he doesn't miss it. Instead, the more days pass with Juice, the more he comes to realize how he should have acted on his feelings for the boy long ago. He's incredibly attracted to the young man, and his brain doesn't seem to notice the lack of tits and feminine qualities. Instead, he salivates over Juice's tanned, muscular and tattooed skin, feels his heart go insane every time Juice shoots him that heart-stopping smile, and enjoys the feeling of Juice's firm body pressed against his own. Whenever they kiss, he always finds himself trying to pull him closer, his hands wanting to explore, his body wanting to take him despite knowing he still has to wait. He's fallen madly, head-over-heels in love with the boy, and he hopes nothing will ever be able to separate them.

Yet...

A small, chewing piece of guilt has begun to settle deep in the pit of his stomach. When he lays his eyes on Juice, he sees the boy, the smile, the warm feelings oozing from his body, but he also feels the twinge in his stomach and the growing ache in his chest. Juice is happy, nearly recovered from the Club's abandonment and his time in prison, yet Chibs can't help but feel pain in knowing Juice had had to go through the horrors in the first place. He feels guilty because he's one of the reasons Juice had been forced to go through the pain.

"If I were you, I'd get that gun, put it in my mouth, and pull the trigger."

The first time he wakes up from a nightmare of his own, he's soaked in sweat and Juice is staring up at him, wide-eyed and afraid. Chibs' breath comes in heavy pants, his chest heaving as he breathes, and he can feel the tears drying on his face.

"Are you okay?" Juice had asked him, near-tears himself.

"Aye, laddie. Everythin's fine, go to sleep."

They had settled back against the bed, and Juice had huddled extra close to him, the boy hugging his arms around him and holding him close. Chibs had listened as Juice's breathing eased, while Chibs lay awake in the darkness. His eyes stare at the dark ceiling, but his mind is long gone from there. Chibs is lost within the nightmare he'd just woken from, brain forcing him to relay the images over and over again.

The dream had begun in the diner. He and Unser were sitting at the table as Juice made his appearance. In the dream, Chibs finds himself uttering the same words he'd said in the real world, for Juice to put the gun in his mouth and pull the trigger. But unlike the real world, Juice had listened. There, in the dream, in that diner, he's forced to watch as Juice stares at him with sad, dead eyes, much like the eyes he'd once had when Chibs had pulled him from prison. Juice is lost, broken, and he slowly puts the gun in his mouth as Chibs is forced to silently watch.

Chibs is thrown from the dream as Juice's blood splatters over him.

He knows the nightmare is related to the ever-present guilt that has settled into the pit of his stomach. He's happy Juice is back, so very grateful that Juice is willing to give him a chance, but he feels like he doesn't deserve it. Everyone who knows Juice knows he will do anything to make people like him. He'd easily throw all bad thoughts out the window just for a chance to fit in and to feel like he belongs to something. Chibs understands Juice had harbored feelings for him just as he'd felt for Juice, but after everything that happened, Chibs wonders if he deserves the boy. He'd given up on him, told him to kill himself, yet Juice came back to him so easily - just like he always does.

He's too good for me.

The thought crisscrosses throughout his mind almost as frequently as the now reoccurring nightmare. Juice means the world to him, and he wants only the best for him.

And Chibs doesn't think he's the best for Juice, as much as he wants to hold onto him forever.

xxx

"We need to talk."

The words stumble from Chibs' lips, and he watches as Juice's eyes go wide and fearful just as Chibs' heart sinks into his stomach. Juice is sitting on the couch in the living room, and Chibs is standing in front of him. Chibs takes a seat in the chair across from the boy, and this time it's him fidgeting nervously against the cushions. Nothing good ever comes after those four words have been said, and both he and Juice know it.

"What?" Juice's voice is a near-whisper, and he clutches the thin spare blanket tightly in his hands. He clutches the blanket to his chest as if the fabric can cover him and make him disappear. He'd thought everything was going perfectly between them. What could possibly have gone wrong?

"I can't do this, Juicey," Chibs heart is still in his stomach and his words are full of sadness. He's tired of watching Juice die every night in his dreams all because of words he'd said.

"Why?"

Why? Isn't that the million dollar question. Because Juice is too innocent, too perfect, too good for him and this world. Juice should never have been pulled into this life. All he ever wanted to do was please people and he could never please everyone at once. His desire to do what was good for everyone had nearly broken him. He needs a chance away from this madness - away from those people who chose to abandon him when he needed them most.

"I don't deserve ye," Chibs answers even though his brain is screaming to never let Juice go.

"I..." Silver tears are beginning to fall as Juice's voice dies in his throat, "I...don't understand."

Juice hugs the thin blanket closer. His head is beginning to hurt and a sharp pain beats through his chest as panic begins to take hold. He tries to think of what he could have done, but he can think of nothing. Only just yesterday, he and Chibs had been joking and contemplating taking a vacation together. They'd been laughing, had kissed, and when Chibs had pulled him close, Juice could feel the desire radiating off him, could tell Chibs wanted him but...Juice's heart sinks and he feels sick. He and Chibs still hadn't taken their relationship that far, Juice's fear of touch still too strong, but is that what it is? Chibs is used to having Croweaters throwing themselves at him. Is Chibs tired of waiting on him?

Images of prison and Tully's touch flash across Juice's mind, but he pushes them away. He doesn't want to lose Chibs, and if that's what Chibs wants, then he'll give it to him. "If you're tired of waiting we can...we can do it...if you want," he tells Chibs nervously, his body beginning to shake as sadness and panic takes hold of him.

"No...Juicey no," Chibs lets out a pained breath as the younger man begins shaking and crying in front of him. Once again, even though Juice is absolutely terrified of going those places, he'd offered himself to Chibs just to keep from losing him. Always, no matter the situation, Juice always thinks of others over himself. "That's not it, love. I promise ye."

His words don't help and leave Juice even more confused. Chibs has become his entire life. Why is Chibs trying to end it when everything had been going so well?

"W-Why?" Juice's voice shakes through the tears.

"I was terrible to ye, Juicey. Don't ye understand? You said I came back, but I should have never left ya in the first place. I told ye to...to..." The nightmare of Juice blowing his brains against the seat of the diner causes Chibs' body to shake and his words to falter. Tears threaten to fall, and he doesn't know how he can ever live with what he'd told the boy to do. "I told ye to kill yerself. To take that damn gun and put it in yer mouth. How do I live with that, Juicey?"

Juice's face goes white at the mention of their encounter in the diner, and he looks as if he's going to be sick. Chibs' words to him had been an ever-present thought within his mind in the prison and were one of the reasons he'd give up on himself. He'd never thought Chibs would ever come back because he'd thought his best friend wished him dead. Now that they have been together, he'd pushed them from his mind, but hearing them again...it hurts. It really fucking hurts thinking Chibs could have ever said that to him.

Juice closes his eyes and sucks in a deep breath of air. He tries to stop himself from crying, but with his eyes closed, he can hear the pained sob that suddenly leaves Chibs' lips as the guilt finally takes its hold over the older man. Juice opens his eyes and sees Chibs with his head in his hands, body shaking as terrible sobs echo from his lips and tears stain his hands.

Juice lets him cry. All this time, ever since Chibs had pulled him from prison, Chibs has been the strong one. He took care of Juice when Juice was broken, had dealt with Juice living in his home without speaking to him, had gone out of his way to ensure Juice could recover on his own terms. Never once has Chibs complained about the time it has taken Juice to return to normal or having to wait for them to take their relationship farther. Chibs is always the strong one, always the protector, and now it's Juice's turn to let him deal with what he's feeling inside.

Only when the tears begin to wind down and Chibs slowly looks back up to meet Juice's eyes, does Juice finally speak. He's stopped shaking, stopped crying, and the panic is already slowly leaving. He knows Chibs isn't going to leave him. Chibs needs him just as much as Juice needs him to keep sane. "Did you mean it?" Juice asks him quietly.

"What?" Chibs replies hoarsely.

"Did you mean it? When you told me to pull the trigger?" He's asking because he already knows the answer. He knows that the guilt Chibs feels and the love he's shown him reveals he'd never meant what he'd said. Chibs just needs to hear himself say it.

"No..." Chibs answers as another set of tears begin to fall down his cheeks. "I only meant to push ye away. I thought it'd get ye away from the Club. Away from all the madness. I..." Chibs takes a deep breath, trying to silence the tears that want to burst through, "I never wanted ye to die, Juicey."

The words are a relief as Chibs hears them escape his mouth. All this time he's felt guilty for the part he played in losing Juice, and he'd blamed himself for not taking him back in the diner. But at the time he'd only been doing what he thought was best. He'd never meant it, and he can see that Juice knows this.

"You gave me so many chances, Chibs," Juice gives him a weak smile, and Chibs knows that Juice forgives him. "You tried to help me, tried to give me ways out and ways to prove myself, but I fucked them up every time. Me. Not you. You can't blame yourself. In the end, I have to realize what I did, that I am the one who failed myself. You only said what you did because you thought that I was a lost cause, and it's the truth. I was a lost cause, and you pushing me away...at that point, I don't think there was anything left you could do. I wanted back in, but if you'd let me back then...I don't know if things would have ever been the same again."

Juice stands from the couch, letting the blanket fall from his fingers, and then he goes over to Chibs and kneels before him. He places a hand on each of Chibs' knees, and meets the older man's eyes, "But now, you've given me everything. I'm no longer that lost cause, and you've proved to me how much you care, that you'd do anything for me. So please, I'm begging you, please don't let this end."

"Juicey..." Chibs takes another deep breath, and he feels a calm settle over himself. He reaches down, covering Juice's hands with his own, "You're still too good for me."

"No," Juice leans in and places a kiss against Chibs' lips, "We're perfect for each other."

A small, contented sigh escapes Chibs' lips and he pulls Juice into his lap in the chair. He cups Juice's neck and pulls him in for a kiss and feels the younger man smile against his lips. Even after everything they've been through, even after the mess both of them made, they know that everything will always work out in the end. Chibs feels the ache of guilt stir in the pit of his stomach, and then the pain slowly ebbs away, replaced with something that should have been there all along.

Happiness.