Chapter 11: To Break Her Heart or Keep a Secret
Jax wasn't afraid of his mother by any means. He just didn't want to tell her this. It's equivalent to the first time he called her from jail; "Hey mom, can you come bail me and Tara out? Of jail. Um, I kinda borrowed someone's car. Well, I was going to." She made them spend the night in jail. Both were fifteen at the time but, Jax preferred to stay there than adhere to the furry of Gemma Teller. Tara on the other had gotten a night off from babysitting her drunken, belligerent father. She was happy. Once the fear and panic in him subsided, he and Tara spent a nice night in a jail cell. Even got to share a bed. Maybe that's why they were always getting into trouble.
This secret brought Jax back to being that fifteen year old boy afraid to tell his mother the truth. Only this time it has nothing to do with the repercussions of his own actions disappointing his mother. It's a twenty-two year old secret that will crush her. Apparently his father did more than just start up SAMBEL in Ireland. Seems he had a different life there too; one that excluded him, Tommy and his mother. Tara and Abel are still sleeping and he's starring at the phone on the kitchen table; willing it to give him some strength; willing it to call his mother on its own. That way he didn't have to punch in the numbers he knows so well. But he can hear Abel beginning to fuss and it's now or never. 'Don't be a chicken-shit. How many times did you call her to come pick you up from jail? The prison had a Teller-Knowles section for all their misdemeanors. Pot smoking, underage drinking, and joy rides with out a license; apparently two permits don't equal a license. ' He finally dials the familiar numbers and Clay picks up, and he lets out a relieved sigh. "Hey. You two free for dinner tonight? Here. Yeah, seven sounds good. Does she sense anything? Really, where is she? Never mind, I'll ask Tara. See you later. Love you too."
Tara comes into the kitchen with a very hungry little boy who tries to grab at the bottle while Tara puts it together. "Are they coming?"
"Yeah." He puts the phone back in its cradle. "Clay will tell her when she gets home."
"Where did she go?"
"You tell me." There's a twinkle in his eye that tells her it's nothing bad.
"Well I don't know. Gemma doesn't leave her schedule and day's plans with me."
"I didn't say she did. But she's at the rehab center, swimming." Now it dawns on Tara what Jax is talking about.
"Hey, you're mom's just following doctor's orders. She needs to relieve some stress so she really doesn't have a heart attack."
"Oh, like the one you "gave" her in the hospital."
"I don't know what you're insinuating Jackson Teller. But, I never thought I'd see the day when Gemma likes to swim. A little out of character for a tough, no non-sense woman. Guess we all have our outlets."
"Is your outlet kidnapping?" She gives him her best evil eye and ignores his snarky little comment. Then Tara looks down at a very content, very full Abel. "He's knocking back formula like Juice and his tequila."
"He's a growing boy. Gotta eat."
"Hmm. Guess we can start him on instant cereal soon." Tara moves to sit in Jax's lap.
"When he was born, I didn't think I'd get him past those hospital room doors. Now, he just keeps on getting bigger; growing out of his clothes. Never thought I'd enjoy those simple little things. But I do. Without you, who knows what would have happened."
"He'll be eating us out of a house-at-home soon enough. All we have to do is enjoy it and realize we're damn lucky to have it." She leans down to kiss him.
"What are you making for dinner then?"
Tara sends Jax to the store to pick up food and he takes Abel with him. She doesn't bother changing out of his t-shirt and makes the bed and straightens up before she starts on dinner. "Hey Jax, you here?" She doesn't hear Opie, but she startles him when he comes down the hall. "Shit, Tara. I didn't know you were here." At first, she doesn't understand why Opie's avoiding looking at her and then of course she realizes she's in just a t-shirt, albeit a long one. She laughs and heads out into the kitchen.
"Sorry Ope. Jax took my car to the store. Didn't mean to startle you."
"No, no it's ok. Maybe I should start knocking. I'm actually here to bring the van back to the shop. I put Jax's bike in the driveway."
"Thanks. You want something to drink?"
"Um, got any coffee?"
"Always. All we have is decaf right now. With Jax being gone, there isn't much here."
"As long as it's coffee, I'm not gonna be picky." She sets the pot up and within minutes the bitter-sweet aroma of coffee percolates' into the room. "I heard Lyla helped out with you-know-who."
"Yeah. I asked her if she knew anyone with a pet snake. Let's just say she couldn't resist asking me what I was going to do with it."
"Thanks for holding down the place while we were gone." There's sincerity in his voice and he nods at her and takes the mug she offers him and sips the hot liquid slowly.
"It was my pleasure." They sit together in silence for a few seconds.
"Hey Ope, I never apologized for the way I treated Lyla before. It was out of line and she didn't do anything to deserve it. She's just like me, trying to find out how this all works. I couldn't see that you were hurting and she was there for you, in ways others couldn't. I guess I thought you were trying to replace Donna and it wasn't any of my business. It still isn't."
"Hey, everyone was going through a shitty time then. Although the "hand jobs for dessert" was pretty funny. I'm just glad it's you that she's close with. You, me and Jax, we've been together since… well forever. It's hard to watch either of you hurt and not be able to do anything about it."
"Same here Ope. But you seem happy. And so do Ellie and Kenny and that's what I hope Donna would have wanted for all of you. Who knows, maybe Donna sent Lyla to you. Maybe she knew what you needed."
"Yeah. We're getting through it. I love Donna, always will. But she couldn't get past the club. Always resented them for my stint in prison. Never forgave them I guess. Lyla, she accepts it. Doesn't ask questions, doesn't judge and that's what I need now. They're two different women. I love them both." They pull their mugs up and sip their coffee together before Jax comes in with Abel in one arm and some groceries in another.
"Hey, Ope, stop making eyes at my Old Lady and help me."
"Don't be an ass. She checked me out first." He winks at Tara, slaps Jax on the back and makes his way out to the car to bring in whatever Jax left behind.
"Here, give me Abel, I'll put him in the living room."
The groceries were put away and Jax was shooed from the kitchen; but, not before grabbing a beer. He found something on TV to watch and is now playing with Abel. "Helping" him to build something with is cushy block set. She's got pasta cooking, sauce bubbling on the stove and bread in the oven waiting to be baked. She's set for dinner. She goes into the living room and Jax looks up from his spot on the floor. "What do you need me to do?" She thinks and shrugs.
"Set the table."
"That's it?"
"Yup. That's all I can think of. I have to go and get changed anyway."
"What, the t-shirt not doing it for you anymore?"
"Well, flashing Opie my rear-end is one thing. Flashing your father is another. Don't think Gemma would like that too much anyway." Tara heads back into the kitchen, Jax trailing behind her.
"Probably not. But I do." She mixes the sauce and the ziti together and pops it in the oven.
"Then maybe you can help me out of it."
"I have to set the table, remember?"
"The table will still be here later."
"What about Abel?"
"He's in his playpen probably watching whatever you left on the TV. He's got his blocks and a few other toys and we can hear him if he gets fussy."
"What about-"
"Am I really trying this hard to convince you to have sex with me?"
"No, you had me at helping you out of my shirt. I just wanted to see how long you would go."
"Evil man!" He hoists her up over his shoulder, cave man style and bounds back towards their room.
That dreadful time has finally arrived. They're both dressed and Tara's changing Abel while he's trying to dry his abnormally sweaty palms on the legs of his jeans. The doorbells rings, "Door's open!"
"Where's my grandson?"
"Hello to you too mom."
"Oh yeah, hi." She smiles a wicked smile and pulls him into a tight hug. "Oh, my baby boy." She plants a kiss to his cheek and looks at his lip. "See you got into some trouble in Belfast."
"Just a little." Gemma hears Abel in the background and peeks around Jax's body to see Tara with Abel on her hip. She holds out her arms and Tara hands her the baby. For Gemma, everything is now right in the world. Her grandson, her son and her husband are all home; safe and sound. Unaware the heartbreak that's looming around the corner. For now, she revels in the weight of her grandson and having her family together.
After dinner, Jax puts another pot of coffee on while Tara; bathes, changes and puts Abel down for the night. "He went down with no problem." She huffs down onto the couch and curls into Jax's side.
"Seems you two are working things out." Gemma elbows Clay in the stomach.
"What woman?"
"It's none of our business."
"Since when don't you butt in?"
"Shut up."
"I rest my case."
"Stop fighting like an old married couple."
"We are old and married." Tara reaches for her coffee and Jax quirks an eyebrow at her, as does Gemma. Clay laughs at both their overprotective natures.
"What? It's freakin' decaf give me a break. And it's one cup. The baby's not going to come out with two heads and one eye."
"If you say so doc." After a nervous overpass while Jax looks at his hands and Tara changes Abel; Gemma shifts her position on the couch.
"Now, why don't you tell me why we're really here. Don't get me wrong, it's nice being together. But you just got back. There has to be something going on?"
"Mom-"
"Jax." Tara grabs his hand and laces their fingers together. She whispers to him,
"No secrets remember?" 'Right, no secrets.'
"While we were in Ireland. We met with Maureen Ashby."
"The woman I talked to. Told me where to find Abel."
"Yeah. Her cousin, Father Ashby had Abel taken to an orphanage and he basically used him as bait for SAMCRO to take out Jimmy O. Didn't want Irish blood on Irishmen's hands."
"Did you?"
"Yea, I did. We roughed up his crew; McGee, Maureen's husband and O'Neill were in on it. The whole time. Jimmy landed a bullet in the side of his neck."
"Go on." He blows out a breath and stares at her for a few minutes. She braces herself for the worst. 'McGee coming after SAMCRO. O'Neil making trouble for future dealings. Father Ashby-'
"Dad had an affair with Maureen Ashby. They had a daughter, Trinity. She's twenty two. Has dad's eyes. Doesn't know about me, but Maureen knew about us, knew who we were to John Teller." He stops when he notices her stunned look. Gemma wasn't expecting this. Her eyes dart from Clay's, to Jax's and finally lands on Tara. "I guess he didn't tell me everything." Her voice is horse with unshed tears and she gets up and heads to the door. "I'm sorry. I'll be right back."
"Mom!" But she's already started the car.
"I'll go."
"Tara you don't-"
"I know." She grabs a coat and her keys and follows Gemma.
The air is cooler at night now. But she lets it seep into her bones. Grass and dead leaves crunch under her heels; she knows the way by heart. Side by side father and son lay. A little boy of only six and a grown man with years of secrets he never bothered to share. Instead he died thinking the secrets would be kept buried with him. It's then, well all the pain of secrets and lies get the best of her that she falls to her knees. Anger brewing and crippling her. Years of happiness questioned. A love that might have just been one sided; hers.
"You bastard! You lied to me. I asked you what happened in Belfast and you looked me in the eye and lied. You fucked around while Tommy was dying! You left me to pick up after your mess! Jax has to find out from your mistress about what you did. Dead men's secrets are never kept buried for long! But, I'm glad you got the daughter I never could give you!" Gemma's head falls heavily into her open palms. Tara comes up behind her and wraps her in the extra coat she brought with her. Gemma slowly turns into her and starts to speak.
"Promise me something. If anything ever happens to me, you'll take care of them; Clay, Jax, Abel… the club. Promise me you'll take my place because they'd be lost without either of us." Tara hugs Gemma close to her body.
"I promise. But don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon ok?"
"Ok." The two matriarchs sit on the cold grass, in the cemetery, at night.
"Got anything else you want to say to him." For some reason with Tara holding her Gemma realizes the show she must have put on for her and it strikes her as funny. "Sometimes I just can't control what comes out of my mouth. But it's hard to hate a dead man."
"Yeah. I know the feeling."
"Oh, honey."
"His grave's around here somewhere. I can't even remember the last time I was there. I'm too embarrassed to ask the main office."
"You knew all his secrets before he died. How did you deal with the left over hate?"
"I ran away. I went to med school, buried my head in books and internships and never came up for air. What he did to me, it followed me around. Sometimes I thought I saw him on the streets or in the library. I couldn't get away from him. It wasn't until I came home that I realized I was running away from the wrong thing. I ended up running away from you and Jax and that seemed to give him more power over me. In death, he didn't take his sins with him, he left them with me. The last thing that binds me to him is that damn house and all the shit I can't seem to throw out. It's mostly the old photos of my mother and him; when he was actually happy and sane. I never knew that man. That's the person I hate. Not the drunken, abusive one. It's the one that got away, the one that let this drunken mess become my father. You have to remember John as the husband and father he was with you, not the man who went to Belfast, not the man who took his burdens with him to the grave. He wasn't the happy person you knew him to be. You're the opposite of me; you're hating the secret keeper, the man that bared the weight of the world on his back. It's time you and I both let go of the hate and the past men in our lives and go home to what we have now."
"Christ, when did you get so smart?"
"I learned only from the best Gemma. You're the only mother I've ever known and I never told you how sorry I was for leaving the way I did."
"It's all forgiven now baby." Tara helps Gemma to her feet and they walk back to their cars and Tara answers Jax's text; "Where are you?"
"We're coming home."