Jane

I was dreaming. I knew I was because I was happy. I was flying, flying so high. The world beneath me was long forgotten and all there was left was the beauty of the crystal blue sky and the puffy white clouds that left refreshing beads of moisture on my feathers. I was flying, with a spirit as light as a feather. There were no worries, there was no pain, there was just the sky, the whipping wind, and me. I was flying.

Ring ring ring

A hateful angry noise sounded somewhere in the recesses of my mind. I was confused, my thoughts became fuzzy, unclear. The vision of the sky and the clouds and the majesty of the heavens was becoming blurry and unfocused. What was happening I wondered in my dream mind.

RIng RIng Ring

There it was again that noise, that terrible awful noise. Something was pulling at me, something was tugging at my mind to return, I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay here. I wanted to stay her in this beautiful dream. I wanted to fly, I wanted to fly like and eagle and be free of the cares of the world beneath me. The world didn't concern me here, it didn't touch me here. The world was dirty, dark, and cold. The world wanted to hurt me, to cage me, to shackle my spirit in chains and refuse to let me be free, free and happy.

But I was falling now, I was falling in a swirling terrible nose dive, faster and faster and faster. I was afraid. I was afraid of what was coming, I knew it would hurt me, I knew they would take my dreams. I was falling. Suddenly the world rushed up below me closer and closer and closer until...

...I jumped with a start. I was panicked for a moment. I had no idea where I was or how I got there. Dread poured through me as my sleepy eyes tried to open fully and take in my surroundings in order to properly process my current location.

RIng RIng RIng

I was startled by the sound. I realized I had passed out in the car, I was cramped up and uncomfortable. One of my legs had fallen asleep and was screaming in pain as blood rushed to refill the deprived blood vessels. My head was throbbing in pain. I reached back and touched my injury. It was to tender to put any pressure on it, and a huge knot had formed I could tell. Thankfully I had my hair to hide the trauma. The last thing I needed was a visual reminded of what had happened to me.

Ring RIng RIng

"Goddamn that noise" I thought as I started frantically searching for the reason I had been pulled so unceremoniously from my dream state.

I reached my hand between the passenger seat and the center console, I felt something, something hard and rectangular, it was vibrating. Grabbing ahold of it I pulled it up and my heart stopped. It was that woman's phone.

"Shit" I thought and I realized the enormity of what was in my hands. I noticed my hand was starting to shake a little. I dared to turn the phone over and my heart stopped again when I saw my mother's picture pop up there in the incoming call box. I answered it without thinking.

"Hello Ma." I said. I was surprised by how hollow my voice sounded. I sounded so tired and empty.

"Janie?" My mother's voice sounded surprised and almost a little panicked.

"Yeah ma, it's me."

"You didn't call me last night, I was worried sick all night. Why would you do that to me, why didn't you call, you guys promised you would call. Where's Maura?" Ma asked me. Her words had been a clipped hasty frantic blur. I suddenly felt awful. Ma was always one to worry and I had forgotten all about her in my own angst.

"I'm sorry Ma, You're right I should have called." I sighed heavily into the phone. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I had to squint. The sun was impossibly bright and shining right into my face.

"Janie, are you alright?" Ma asked. He tone had changed into one of concern.

I sighed again. I didn't want to get into the details of what had happened. I wasn't going to get into that with anyone. I was going to suppress it like a normal person. But since Ma was the only person in the world as close to Maura as myself, and considering the fact that she was currently living in that woman's guest house, I figured I should be honest about the whole situation so Ma wasn't hit in the face with the shock at a later date. I wanted her to have the time to process the changes that were about to happen while i was still away from Boston.

"Ummm," I breathed heavily into the phone. I bit my lip to hold back the tears that were forming again in my eyes. I had been awake for less than five minutes and already the pain was coming.

"Janie, what happened." My asked almost in a panic. I could see her in my head, stopped dead in her tracks with concern for me. I could even see the panicked expression on her face. She was ready to run, to swim, to jump, to fly, to even kill to get to me if I need her. For the first time in a long time I admitted to myself easily that I did need her. She loved me, she loved me like no one else would. The only unconditional love I had in my life. She was my constant, always there for me, always willing to lend a helping hand, and with a word of advice or a song of praise. I loved her so much in that moment I couldn't hold back the tears from streaming down my face again. I tried not to let her hear me cry, I bit my fist hard to hold back the choking sobs that were threatening to erupt from withing me. I was just so sad. I was so sad and so lost and so empty. I wished I was home, I wished I was with her, I wished she was there to wrap me up in her arms and rock me like a child while I cried, cried from the very depths of my soul. I wished she would tell me it would all be ok, I wished she would kiss my forehead the way she did sometimes, I wish she would tell me she loved me. I wished she would tell me she loved me. I knew she did but I had never needed to hear it more in my entire life. I wished I was with my mommy.

"M-mom." I managed to choke back before the flood gates erupted inside of me.

"Janie...JANIE!" my mom was practically hysterical, I could hear it in her voice.

"Tell me what HAPPENED!" she was practically yelling at me.

It was several minutes before I calmed down enough to speak clearly. I decided to just start from the beginning, I may as well tell the whole story now and then never speak of it again. I needed to get it out so I could put it all behind me.

"It started on the drive up here Ma..."I paused to gather myself. I willed myself to calm down and concentrate. With all the strength I could muster in the moment I proceeded.

"Maura asked me to have lunch with her and Ian.."I said

"...Oh yeah..that old boy friend with the post traumatic stress from that awful thing that happened to him over in Africa?" Ma said butting in.

I was shocked into silence. I didn't even know what to say.

"Post traumatic Stress?" I asked in a low deep uncertain voice that wasn't my own.

"Yeah, didn't Maura tell you? It's the saddest story I've ever heard in my life. It's a wonder that guy is still breathing after everything he has been through. Did you get a chance to talk to him about going to therapy? I know Maura was really worried about whether or not you would be open to the idea. She was almost not even gonna ask you for help, she was so worried it might upset you. Of course I know you, you'd do anything to help her and I told her so. She was so sweet Janie, she looked so relieved when I said that. I think she really cares about the guy and wants to help him before he hurts himself or someone else ya know. PTSD is really serious Janie..."my mother rambled on, I didn't bother to stop her, I was soaking up every word she was saying like a sponge. Somehow, in some way I felt the shattered pieces of my heart putting themselves back together, sorting themselves out like a jig saw puzzle.

"What was happening right now?" I thought in my head, never saying a word, I was absorbed in my mothers voice. I was engrossed in her every syllable hanging on like it was life and death. In some ways it was life and death. It was the difference between the life I had wanted with Maura for years now and the life I thought I had lost. It was everything, it was hope, explanation, curiosity, somehow it was even peace. The sweet peace of the possibility that I had been wrong, that I had misjudged, that there had been a very good reason for why things had happened the way they did. It was everything.

"...I looked it up on the internet thingy. There's so many stories on there about how it affects people so badly. I ruins people's lives Janie and their relationships and everything. Sometime's those people even end up killing themselves because they can't take it anymore. It's scary what it can do to you. Hallucinations, flashbacks, night terrors, uncontrollable instances of rage, depression, drug addiction, suicide." My Ma said like she was listing of the symptoms of a bad cold. "I'm so glad you had Maura there to help you all those times you got hurt on the job. I don't know what would have happened to you if she hadn't been there right beside you. I couldnt do it myself. I could never do what she did for you. You had closed me out emotionally and I would have worried myself into a heart attack if it hadn't been for her. She's the best thing that ever happened to you and I hope you know that." Ma said. I could almost feel myself the sincerity of her words, the relief that she truly did feel.

"Anyway, so what's happened with Ian, is he ok...is he hurt or something?" Ma asked becoming interested again in my story.

I was silent for a few moments.

"He's gonna be fine Ma. I gotta go." I hung up the phone and tossed it in the passenger seat. I tossed the box of empty beer bottles out the window, turned the key in the ignition and drove off in a fog of smoky dust, my tires slipping a little on the gravel I was going so fast. I didn't have time to slow down. I didn't have time to think, I didn't have time for anything else but my mission.

Detective Jane Rizzoli was back in full force. It was about damn time because I had work to do.