PLEASE don't murder me for this chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
She arrived at the restaurant at seven thirty despite that she was perfectly aware that he wasn't going to be on time. Sakura knew the way his brain worked. He was going to be late. She didn't anticipate seeing him until at least ten.
The shopping bag made it through the attack, and to Sakura's relief the police didn't seem to need to confiscate it as evidence. Knowing Gaara as well as she did, Sakura donned an inconspicuous dress and applied little makeup. She forwent jewelry and a fancy hairstyle but chose to wear five-inch heels solely for the sake of empowering herself. Confident women wore such shoes and Sakura needed all the help she could get. Begging a man to go on a date and then having to wait all night for him to show wasn't exactly healthy for a girl's self esteem.
She lied and told the waitress that she was waiting for her boyfriend but his flight had been delayed so she didn't know when he would be coming. To keep herself busy while she waited she people watched. The restaurant was known for being romantic so most of the patrons were couples. One thing that the couples had in common was that they were all in love. She watch gentlemen pull out chairs for ladies and saw lovers holding hands across the table. The atmosphere was warm and Sakura inevitably felt lonely. Every moment that ticked by caused her hopes and prayers to grow more and more desperate. She wanted Gaara because she didn't want to be alone anymore.
She wanted to know him again. She wanted to remember all of his quirks and qualities that made her love him so much. She wanted to see how he had changed, the good ways and the bad ways. She wanted to hear all about how he had spent the last ten years of his life. She wanted to look into his eyes and show him that there was no reason for him to be afraid. But Sakura was fully aware that he was not going to make any of this easy for her.
Still, he was (almost) always there when it counted the most. He was going to show up at the last minute and act like he didn't know how he had gotten there. She almost laughed out loud at the idea that he might bring her flowers. Though she could see him bringing her chocolate. She wondered if she should have brought him something too. Maybe cigarettes? A new notebook? Pills?
The closer she came to forming some sort of legitimate relationship with him the harder it became to ignore the million dollar question: what was the condition of Gaara's mental health?
He seemed relatively stable. She would hardly call what she had witnessed of his behavior normal. It didn't seem like he was a serious danger to himself or other. Yes, he had scared her that day on the boat. It was the first and only time he had ever physically intimidated her or hurt her. She had to believe that it would never happen again. The only kindness he had shown her was when he thought she was unconscious.
He had ludicrous reasons and excuses for why he kept hurting her. To her they seemed ludicrous but to him they were serious. He truly believed that he would hurt her and that he didn't deserve her. It didn't matter whether or not these two things were true, he believed that they were true, and that was all that mattered. Gaara had grown up in a warped reality that he had never truly been able to fix.
At ten thirty she ordered a glass of wine. The maître d' sat down with her and for the next hour they discussed everything but the whereabouts of Sakura's date. The young woman was attending the same university that Sakura had attended so they also talked about the classes she enjoyed taking and the professors they shared.
At eleven the bartender pulled up a chair and tried to convince Sakura that her date was a loser for making her wait and that she would not be disappointed if she left with him. Sakura was flattered but she had never really been interested in younger men and she still had a half hour to wait for Gaara.
He wasn't going to stand her up. He was not going to stand her up.
He stood her up.
Sakura stayed until closing. She even helped cleanup.
She felt like an idiot. She felt like the stupidest woman alive. She was a moron. There was something seriously wrong with her brain function. She had a PhD. How could someone as smart as she was put blind faith into a bad investment and then act shocked when it crashed and burned. She wasn't even allowed to feel betrayed because he told her that he wasn't going to be coming. He told her and she chose not to believe him. She was the one living in a warped reality.
Why was she so insistent on believing that he was wrong? History proved that in all likelihood he would indeed hurt her. Gaara was certainly no angel. It was possible that he had done something so appalling that he really didn't deserve to be happy. It was the truth that Sakura just couldn't seem to stomach. She wasn't even considering him, the real him, when she told him to meet her.
She didn't want to look at it objectively. There was a part of her that was still a teenager. She wanted erase all the mistakes that they had made and just pick where they had left off. If she could take a step back then she would see that they were really just two strangers pretending to be teenagers. It was naïve to think that they could just sit down and forget their lives and the rest of the world. It wasn't just a casual meal between old friends. She might as well have invited him to sit down and take some shrooms with her. She wanted to create something that didn't exist anymore.
Gaara loved her. Sakura should have known enough about the world to understand that love isn't enough to build a relationship on. They had both loved each other ten years ago but they couldn't make it last. Who exactly was it that Gaara loved anyways? He didn't know her anymore. He loved a Sakura that existed in a different time.
Sakura was well aware of all of this yet she still wanted to sit out on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant and wait for him. The only thing that stopped her from doing this was the realization that it wasn't safe for a woman to be alone on the street during the middle of the night.
Since the… attack, Sakura had become wary of the city. She knew that the odds of such a thing happening again were slim but her brain seemed to be permanently on the fritz. It wasn't enough that she had to make a fool out of herself over Gaara Sabaku, but now she also had to feel afraid. She kept two cans of pepper spray and a foghorn in her purse. She tried to get everything she needed done during the day so she wouldn't have to be outside when it was dark. Whenever she was commuting she counted down the minutes until she would be safe in her office or safe at home.
She was furious at herself for feeling this way. She had beaten him. She had kicked his ass. She had proved to herself that there was nothing she couldn't handle. It was a random attack and could have happened to anyone. Everyone else dealt this with constant threat calmly and didn't allow for it to change the way they lived their lives. If all the drones in the city were able to walk the streets fearlessly then why couldn't Sakura?
She felt as if she had done something wrong and deserved what had happened. It was her punishment for being selfish. Sakura spent thousands of dollars a month on herself. She lived in a nice apartment, ate nice food and wore nice clothes. There were people in the city that had nothing. That man was probably a rapist because he had been failed by the education system and the welfare system. She was really no better than he was. Or maybe it was the science gods' way of punishing her for using so much effort on her personal life and not her work in the Lab.
Maybe he was right. Maybe she was too careless. She didn't think it was possible that something like that could happen to her. She should have been better prepared. He shouldn't have even been able to pull her into that alley. If he had been a slightly smarter man there was no telling what condition Sakura would be in now.
Needless to say, Sakura took a cab straight home and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't feel anything other than sorrow. Because even when she thought logically about Gaara Sabaku she couldn't ignore the tiny possibility that their realities could collide and turn into something beautiful and true. Maybe there was no reason for why this could happen but that meant there was also no reason for why it couldn't happen. If her nightmares could come true why couldn't her dreams do the same?
The elevator in the lobby of her building was broken so she took the stairs up to her floor. She wonder about what Gaara had chosen to do instead of having dinner with her. The sad thing was that she had no idea what he might be doing and she would never have the chance to learn.
Climbing the stairs in those evil, awful shoes made her want to cry. The only thing that kept her from dropping to the ground was the assurance that if she made it up to her floor she would be able to change into her softest pajamas and bunny slippers. Soon her mantra became if she could make it down the hall, her wonderful bed was waiting to take her into the blissful land of sleep. If she could just get her key in the lock-
This was weird. Sakura never left her door unlocked…
She pushed her door open and reached for the light switch. When the room illuminated Sakura dropped her purse and gasped. Her apartment was in shambles. She brought her shaking hand to her lips and covered her mouth.
Holy shit.
Lamps had been knocked over. Sai's pictures had been torn off the walls. The cushions and pillows from her sofa had been slashed and thrown into the kitchen. The pantry had been ransacked. Drawers had been opened and their contents had been dumped onto the floor. Her glass table was cracked. All of the papers in the folders and files she had taken home from work were scatted on the floor; some of them looked as if they had been stomped on. It looked as if someone had taken a golf club to her television.
And then there were the names. Someone had used red spray pain to write "WHORE" and "BITCH" and other words Sakura couldn't even say out loud.
Sakura didn't want to know what her bedroom or bathroom looked like. She didn't want to cross the threshold of her apartment. It wasn't safe. Someone had been in her apartment without her knowledge or permission. Someone had violated the places where cooked her meals, watched the news, slept at night, clothed her herself, and bathed herself.
Someone could still be in her apartment.
Sakura slammed her door shut and sprinted down the hallway. She descended the stairs with speed and recklessness. Twice she fell, the first time landing on her wrists and the second time twisting her ankle. She hobbled out of the building, swallowing the lump in her throat and biting her tongue to keep from crying. As soon as she took a breath of the hot and sticky night air she wanted to vomit.
Sakura was beginning to understand that neither the attack nor the break in was a random occurrence. She was being terrorized. Somebody was trying to send Sakura a message, and it wasn't a pretty one.
Fuck. Sakura carefully sat down on the steps outside the door. It wasn't safe to be outside and now it wasn't safe to be inside either. She groaned when she realized that she had left her purse upstairs in front of the door. She needed her phone to call the police but she couldn't even imagine going back up there to retrieve her bag. You couldn't pay her to go there again.
Part of her didn't even want to call the police; she was too embarrassed. There must have been something she could have done to prevent it from happening. The police officers were going to look at her and ask themselves what horrible thing she did to provoke her mysterious enemy. Or worse, they were going to pity her. They were going to get into their squad cars and say to each other, "oh that poor woman. Look how weak she is. Look how all alone she is. She needs somebody to take care of her."
Sakura wanted to cry. She hadn't felt this alone since her grandmother's funeral. Something inside of her was dying a painful death. She wanted to scream. The pressure in her head was unbearable. Any moment now her skull was going to shatter into a tiny million pieces.
There was someone in the world that was going out of his or her way to hurt her and frighten her and she was helpless against them. Things were never going to work with Gaara Sabaku and there was no way she was helpless against that too. Naomi was going to get cancer again and Sakura couldn't stop it. Kabuto was always going to be an unfeeling and manipulative bastard. Orochimaru was always going to pervert science for his own purposes.
They knew where she lived. If they knew where she lived and knew where she shopped then it was likely that they had been following her for a while. It could be anyone in the city. How could she not notice that she was being stalked. Sakura was much too astute to let something like the get by her. Whoever it was must be a professional.
She had to leave it all behind her. Maybe she should just get the hell out of the city. Change her name and change her history. Find a place without tragedy and disappointment. Just let go and forget. Pretend that none of it ever happened. Start all over again. She had enough money. She could buy a house in the country and become a recluse. She wouldn't have to deal with love or death or sadness. It would be easy. It would be peace.
Like hell she was going to do any of that cowardly quitter crap.
There was no point in sitting outside and waiting for the sky to fall. Crying wasn't going to accomplish anything. Sakura had to pick herself up off the ground and move on. She stood up. The only place she was going was Ino's apartment. And she was going to fucking walk there. Whoever it was that had such a vendetta against her needed to stop being a little bitch and get out there and do their own dirty work. Any asshole that dared to approach her on the street tonight was going to find a five-inch heel jammed down their windpipe. Sakura wasn't fooling around anymore.
"Come and get me," she whispered into the night.
"I know the police said it was okay for you to go home," said Ino. "But maybe you should stay here just one more night. I ordered Moroccan take out food and there is going to be too much for me to eat it all by myself."
"I'll stay for dinner," conceded Sakura. "But I'm going back home after that. It's been three days and I need to access the damage for myself."
Ino flopped down on the couch next to Sakura. "You're going to need a shopping buddy," she said excitedly.
"You're right," agreed Sakura. "I'll see if Kabuto is free."
"Loser." Ino threw a pillow at Sakura. "You know you need my shopping expertise. I have a colleague who is an interior designer. We should make a project out of it."
"I was thinking something along the lines of cheap and minimalist." Sakura didn't know whether she was ready to invest in her apartment again. Especially not when her attacker was still loose in the city. She also wasn't sure it was very good for her karma to spend so much money on something frivolous. She needed to return to her modest lifestyle. No more clothes and makeup shopping. No more shoes.
Ino looked at her doubtfully. "That sounds awfully stupid if you ask me."
Sakura shrugged and turned away. "I'm just not ready for it."
"When are you going to be ready?" Ino tugged on Sakura's arm so she was forced to see eye to eye with her. "When are you going to be ready to tell me about who your date was with?"
Sakura put her face in her hands and groaned. "It's not such a big deal. It was just one of the other scientists from work."
"I don't believe you." Ino pulled on Sakura hands. "This is way too weird. You won't tell me his name or anything about him."
Sakura lied to Ino because she knew that Ino wouldn't understand. Ino never understood Sakura's feelings for Gaara Sabaku. No one did. She didn't want to hear a lecture. She didn't need anyone to tell her how stupid she was being. She didn't need anyone to rub it in. Gaara probably never even considered meeting her. He was content on pretending that his love for her was just a dream. It was probably one of the luxuries of being a crazy person.
"Can we just drop it?" Sakura crossed her arms. "I just don't want to talk about it. I don't have to tell you everything."
Ino was quiet for a moment. "Sakura, I have an idea, and before you shoot me down I want you to think hard about it."
Sakura eyed her suspiciously. Ino was a good friend with good intentions but she worried too much. "I'm not going to move in with you."
Ino snorted. "Trust me. That is not something I would ever want. I, unlike you, have a sex life."
Sakura had begun to revert back to the idea that she didn't need sex in her life. She had gotten along so well without it. She didn't start having problems in her life until she started having all of these silly thoughts about love. No, her problems originated from something more insignificant. Her problems began when she met Gaara at that wedding. That's when she decided to beautify herself and force unnecessary ideas into her life. The only thing that really mattered was her work. She shouldn't need to remind herself of that.
"So what's this nonsensical plan you have?" asked Sakura.
"You're next trial doesn't start until two weeks from now." Ino said slowly. "This is technically your vacation, right?"
Sakura was annoyed. Ino was about to propose that the two of them should go on some silly tropical vacation. That was the last thing Sakura needed. She needed to fix her apartment and she needed to prepare for the trial. A vacation would be too hedonistic. It would be pointless. Besides, why should she take a vacation when there were people in the city who couldn't even afford to eat three square meals a day? It was wasteful.
"Not interested, Ino," said Sakura flatly.
Ino growled. "You said you would listen before you refused!"
Fine. Sakura guessed that she could humor her friend. She sighed. "Whatever. State your business."
"I think we should go on a road trip to Konoha," she said in one breath.
Was that some kind of joke? That was the very last place on earth she would want to go. If Gaara Sabaku caused her grief then Konoha would kill her. She felt a dull pain in her chest just at the sound of that town's name. Sakura laughed bitterly. "Oh Ino, you have lost your mind."
Ino winced. "Just hear me out," she said. "You haven't been back there since Tsunade died. The Uzumaki's have been taking care of your old house and the barn. You should maybe see if there is something there you could take back to your apartment. Maybe some furniture. Maybe something that will make you feel safer and more comfortable."
The old farmhouse. Sakura closed her eyes. She could remember the smell of the walls and the sound of the floorboards creaking. She could remember the softness of her blue comforter and the firmness of her mattress. She was appalled by the idea that she might want to bring memories from this place to haunt her in her apartment in the city.
Yet something inside of her thirsted for the familiarity. Part of her felt guilty for never having visited Tsuande's grave. "I don't know. I'd have to think about it."
"I also thought that maybe you would want to go to the funeral," said Ino.
"Funeral?" asked a confused Sakura. She didn't remember hearing anything about someone dying. "Whose funeral?"
Ino shifted awkwardly. "You mean no one told you?"
"You're the only person from Konoha I've talked to for weeks."
"Oh." Ino forced a smile. "Well, I'm not really sure what the right way to say this is," she paused and Sakura looked at her expectantly. "Temari Sabaku is dead."
Sakura's heart stopped. "Temari? What happened? When did this happen?"
Ino scratched her head. It was evident that this was difficult for her to talk about. "She killed herself. It was either three of four days ago. The funeral is two days from now."
Sakura's breath caught in her throat. Gaara. Gaara's sister was dead. Temari was dead. She had killed herself. She was dead. She was dead.
Sakura had known that Temari was troubled. It was obvious that mental illness ran in the family. Even though Temari had hurt Sakura, Sakura knew that Temari had honestly been trying to help her. They had been friends before Sakura had gotten involved with Gaara. Sakura had even looked up to her. Temari had never stopped trying to be a big sister to Sakura. Sakura was sorry to hear that there was something so painful in Temari's world that she felt the need to end her own life.
She had to wonder about what Gaara must be feeling. Gaara had hated Temari. Was he affected by the event? Was it possible that he was happy? Was it possible that he was sad? Was it wrong to hope that the reason he failed to meet her was because he was distraught over the death of his only sister? Sakura struggled to get a grip on it all. What was she supposed to do now?
Was it at all possible that Gaara needed her?
"I can't believe it," whispered Sakura. "How did her father let this happen?"
"The Senator? He was in the capital when it happened."
"Oh." Sakura felt her eyes welling up with tears. Too many people were dying too young. "We have to go to the funeral. She came to Tsunade's funeral."
"I know you two didn't really get along…" started Ino.
"We're going." Sakura said with finality. "She was one of us whether we got along or not."
"This might be your chance to get some closure. Just spend one night in your old house and see how it feels."
As much as it pained Sakura to admit it, she was confused. There were things going on in her life that she didn't understand and she couldn't decided what the best way was to handle what she was feeling. Maybe going back to Konoha would help her. Maybe that was the place where her life left for hell.
The doorbell rang and both girls shot up in their seats. Ino push Sakura back down. "It's the food," she said starting toward the door. She turned around just before she got there. "So we're doing this?"
"We're doing this."
"We'll leave tomorrow morning. It's a long drive."
Sakura nodded slowly. "Okay," she said softly. "Tomorrow morning it is."
It was time to return to Konoha.
Okay, before you claw my face off let me explain. I had two completely opposite paths planned out and I chose the dismal one. I know I promised more Gaara but I changed my mind about what was going to happen in the chapter. I PROMISE PROMISE that in the plot I have planned in my head the next chapter will be full of Gaara. If you can't wait that long. I'm posting a surprise too. Think of it as a consolation prize.
Poor Sakura is so confused. I tried to write her mind math. I hope it doesn't seem rushed. It is a little rushed. I want to get to the next part quickly because it's going to be more enjoyable to read and write. I don't like to spend a lot of effort on bad news. Unless it's fun.
Anyways. Check out my new post. It should be up an hour or so after this one. I just have to run it through spell check.
oh yes, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for the reviews. I don't know how to convey how much I love reviews. THanks to everyone who also reviewed NITD. I was thinking of writing another part to it but I have so many other things going on that I feel like it would be silly.
Leave some more reviews ? I subsist off of these things.