AN:Disclaimer I do not own any characters from Glee.
Chapter Eleven: Against Better Judgment
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I squared my shoulders and let the pent up anger in my chest take over.
It would probably have been better for their physical and mental health if they had just backed over me. Twice, for good measure.
"Hey asshole!"
I kicked the bumper of the small white car with all my might. My frustration left nothing but a black scuff. The plastic clung to the car despite my best effort to punt it across the parking lot.
"What the fuck," I kicked the bumper again; smirking at the dent I was able to leave. "is your fucking problem you god damn retard!" I dropped my purse on the ground next to the adjacent truck. This was turning into the perfect way to unleash my frustrations, and I was going to milk it for all it's worth.
"Really? You didn't fucking see me standing behind your fucking piece of shit car?" I rounded the driver's side banging my fist on the roof of the small car. The car pulled forward into the parking spot and the whining of the engine was silenced.
I continued my assault on the car, kicking my way to the driver's door. I saw a flash of blonde hair sitting in the driver's seat, causing my heart to flutter and momentarily I paused my attack. Taking a better look through the tinted windows I found the driver to have short blonde locks where I desperately needed long cascades. Though I was thankful that it was a lanky girl instead of a hulking man beast, her unintended deception renewed the fire behind my eyes. Adding to the fact that the bitch nearly backed me over.
I bent over to find the girl was facing away from me texting on her phone. Another flare of anger washed through me. Was this dope really going to ignore me now?
"Hey! Ass hat!" I yanked at the door handle to find it unlocked and flung it open. The door banged against the truck next to the Nissan, the sound echoed in my ears and my heart skipped a beat.
My newest victim spun to face me and I froze. The only features that registered were red rimmed pooling blue eyes and a dusting of freckles across milky skin, taking my breath away.
"Hey Santana…" Brittany let out a shaky laugh and stepped out of her car.
I propelled myself backwards; the mangled sunglasses falling down the bridge of my nose. A strangled noise was all that I could manage to acknowledge my ex lover.
Brittany tucked a strand of her short straw hair behind her ear while she stared down at her feet. "Do I not get a hello then?"
"Britt… what?" I swallowed to replenish the moisture in my arid throat. "What are you doing here?" Apparently I was also in need of replenishing logic in my frazzled head.
"I was leaving…" Her gaze shifted from her shoes to the driver's seat.
"Yeah, I noticed. I was almost road kill." I scoffed pushing my sunglasses into my hair and crossed my arms over my chest.
Of course she was leaving. She didn't want to see me. So much that she didn't even notice me standing behind her car.
"Sorry about that, I didn't see you." I watched Brittany's slender hand brush through her hair.
There were a million thoughts racing through my mind. I had thousands of questions, and I wanted answers. But I had to keep calm. And definitely not cry. I wouldn't break down in front of her, she wouldn't have that luxury.
After a long pause I gritted my teeth. "So you were just going to leave."
"I couldn't go in." Brittany hugged her arms around her and gave a fleeting glance towards the diner.
"Why not? I've been in there for almost an hour." I managed to keep my voice down. There were a couple of people watching. They either saw her bump me or heard my outburst; either way I wanted them gone, so I sent them my best glare hoping they'd take a hint.
"San… I" Brittany's fingers dug into her arms wrapping around her chest, but I was more concerned with her watery eyes. Each one was full to the brim and it was a wonder they hadn't spilled over yet.
"I was afraid that you wouldn't be in there." Her voice was nothing more than a harsh whisper, deflating me.
The sadness in her voice was pushing me to gather her into my arms and tell her that I was here now and everything was fine. That I would forgive her for all of past sins against me. I almost did. I clenched my eyes and regained my senses. I couldn't crumble that easily.
"Well I was." I couldn't let her off that easy though. Did she think so little of me that I wouldn't show up?
"I'm sorr-" Anger and hurt flashed through me again as she reached out to my crossed arms. I gave her a warning look and stepped back to the truck. Did she think that she could really apologize and that would be the end of it? Maybe she didn't want to see me; maybe that's why she was leaving.
"How long have you been out here?" Brittany flinched against the volume of my voice. I glanced over to check that the people had left like I thought.
She recoiled from me and sank against her car. "Umm, like twenty minutes?" I nodded and bit my lip.
"So I was sweating it in there, and you were just sitting out here listening to music and texting or some shit?" I knew she was sitting in the car crying her eyes out. Her puffy cheeks and red eyes were proof of that. "You couldn't even poke your head in and take a quick look?"
"Santana, I didn't know you were in there… I didn't want to look stupid." She looked down to the ground, kicking at the small gravel that had broken away.
"But it's ok that I look like an ass?" I waved my hands about to point at myself and get her attention. Sure let me look like an idiot, anything for you Britt Britt.
"No, of course not. I was jus-" I rolled my eyes, whatever she had to say wasn't going to fix anything. I was stupid to think that we could be fixed. What did I expect to happen?
This is why you set your goals low, and your expectations even lower; that way you'll never be disappointed.
"Save it." This was quickly turning into the opposite of what I imagined. Like the extreme negative of what I had envisioned our reunion would be. I was letting my temper get the best of me, and I didn't know exactly how to stop. But I didn't want her to walk all over me.
"I know you're mad. But don't be." Brittany looked at me with downcast eyes. "Don't be mad at me, please." I felt my resolve melting away slowly. She was going to break through the already thin armor I wore around her. Brittany knew all of the holes, how to worm her way in and crush my heart.
I had to fight it. Brittany wasn't going to win with a pout. Not this time.
"Why shouldn't I be? You went AWOL on me for three years." I clenched my jaw. If I walked away from this with a broken heart, so be it; but I would find out why she decided to cut me off. I was ready for my miserable life.
"I had to." Brittany held my gaze for a moment before my eyes darted over her face.
She had too…Was that all of an explanation I was going to get. It sounded like she was blaming me and forced her to leave. That it was somehow my fault that she erased me from memory.
I looked away from her, staring up at a light pole. I knew that I was close to crumbling, and I didn't want her to see me break down.
"What do you mean you had to? Did you find someone else to preoccupy your time? I knew you got around in high school, but really you cou-" Brittany swiftly clamped her hand over my mouth.
Caught off guard I stiffened in her grasp, but I couldn't move to free myself. There was no strength in her hold. It was like she was exhausted, which was rare for the spirited girl. The only thing keeping me in place was feeling the soft skin of her palm against my lips and the salty sweet smell accompanying it; combined they were paralyzing.
"Stop. Let me talk." There was a stormy look in her eyes, an expression I had only seen a few times. All I could do was nod and focus on her words.
"It hurt, and I know you felt the same way. But for me…" She dropped her hand from my face and took a step back, rewrapping her arms around her waist.
"School was so hard, it was struggle. Without you I couldn't do anything right. Everything was wrong, I couldn't even try to fix it. Thinking about it, how to fix the hurt I was feeling, just made me hurt more...
"The only thing that made it better was cheering; I didn't have to think then. I could just focus on the routine. But it wasn't enough… It was only for a few hours… Then I would have time to sit and think about you." A small sad smile pulled at her lips, but her eyes had nothing akin to happiness shining in them.
I wanted so badly to cradle her to my chest, and I was happy that she was remaining so composed despite the quiver in her voice. If she let a single tear trail down her swollen cheeks there would be no stopping me.
"After summer break it got so bad. I felt so… empty. To the point where I didn't even go to class anymore. I just went to parties and lost myself in other people. I tried to drown out the pain, but once I thought it was gone you would call. And I had to start all over again... Darr told me that I couldn't do that. It wasn't fair to you or me."
I wanted to ask her to clarify what she meant when she said that she lost herself in other people. Maybe I had heard her wrong. But I knew what she meant, exactly. Brittany had just admitted to cheating on me, and I couldn't even muster up the energy to be angry with her. Not with her standing before me looking so shattered. I had felt the same; I suppose I just handled it differently.
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I sat on my bunk, curled in my thick red blanket, watching Britt show me the new dance move she learned yesterday. The connection was choppy, but it was better than nothing. She jumped around her dorm room, sometimes moving off camera, dancing her heart out for me.
"What do you think?" Brittany rushed back to her computer.
"Awesome Britt." I clapped my hands and smiled. She was amazing at everything she did. I only wished I could see it in person.
"Yeah, I'm pretty awesome at everything." Britt looked smug and dusted off her shoulder.
"That's why I love you."
"I'm not as awesome as you though." I smiled back at her, pulling the blanket tighter over me.
"Hey I don't think I'll have time to call you tomorrow, sorry baby." My phone vibrated next to my laptop, it was Toni telling me to get my shit together.
"Oh, well that's fine. School comes first right?" Brittany didn't sound too upset. We'd managed to talk to each other almost every day this week.
"No, you come first; then a bunch of other meaningless crap then school." She smiled, giggling into the mic.
"Well good luck on your test." I loved her serious face, it was nothing but adorable.
"Yeah, thanks B. Procedural Law is kicking my butt." My phone buzzed again, Toni once more.
"I think I'm gonna go to bed now… I'm tired." I checked the clock on my computer. It was almost eleven, but I suppose in Ohio it was closer to twelve. Still, it was early for a Friday. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew she was going out to do the same thing I was leaving to do. The thought was over looked by my own need.
"Okay Britt Britt. Night I love you." I blew I kiss to my camera, and I watched as Brittany caught it and slipped it into her pocket.
"Nighty night, love you too." I closed the window, and shut down my laptop. I shook off the blanket and stood to straighten my dress. It wasn't even thirty seconds after I told Brittany goodnight and I was feeling that emptiness crawl under skin.
I did my best to ignore it. I touched up my make-up with the small mirror I kept on my desk next to literally everything else I owned. There was two ways of dealing with not having Brittany in my immediate proximity: crying about it or getting really really really drunk.
"Santana you ready to go yet?" Toni popped into the room holding out my coat.
"Yeah, where are we going tonight?" I stood and checked my reflection in from the window.
"Ron's apartment." I made a face. Ron was a creep, but he was a creep with beer. "Hey, it's close and we don't have to shell out cash to get wasted." I took my coat from her, and pulled it over my arms.
"Not with these on display." I laughed and pointed to my chest.
I picked up my keys and phone, and pushed her out the door. "What took you so long? Have to get permission from wifey?"
"I do what I want. Shut up." Toni liked to tease me about having a long distance girlfriend almost constantly. I smacked her in the back of the head, as she was walking down the steps to get even with her.
After a short, cold walk two blocks from the dorms we arrived at Ron's apartment. Ron, a friend of a friend that Toni knew, was an upperclassman who had a taste for freshmen. From the door we could hear that there were more than a few people getting trashed inside Ron's apartment.
Toni made a bee line for Ron. She could tell me that it was all about the free drinks, but I knew she had a thing for the sleaze ball.
It didn't take me more than one minute before someone was asking me to take shots with them. I declined a few offers until I spied a boy holding a bottle of fairly expensive tequila under his arm, standing in the corner.
"Are you trying to keep that warm or something?" I sauntered over to the boy, wearing sunglasses probably to hide his fried red eyes, and his two friends in similar states.
"Maybe… You want some?" He smirked as best as he could. The boy was clearly very drunk and pretty high too.
"Maybe." I tried my best not to completely mock him. It looked like he had the better liquor at the party. I could take a few party shots from him and move on to the cheap beer Ron always provided.
"You gotta do a dance for it." He did a pathetic little dance, and I laughed at him.
"I can do that. But I get better the drunker I am." He held up the bottle, shaking it in the air, and motioned for me to dance.
The Latin station was playing loudly in the background, which was a bit confusing since most of the people in the apartment were white. I listened to the beat for a moment. I had a usual slut dance I did for occasions similar to this; but then Brittany wormed her way in. In my mind I watched her perform the dance she showed me earlier tonight.
The dance wasn't meant for this beat, but I doubted that the stoner with the bottle of tequila would notice. I did my best to mimic Brittany's dance. Swaying my hips, twirling at the right count, Brittany made everything seem so easy.
After a minute or two the boy and his friends were clapping, signaling me to stop and claim my prize.
"That works! Here, as much as you want. Only if you keep dancing." He held out his bottle to me.
I stared at the glass bottle containing the clear liquid for a moment. This was the only way I knew how to rid myself of the tugging in my chest. The heartache I felt from being separated. I had to drown myself, eliminate my external world.
I swiped the bottle from the boy and unscrewed the cap, giving him a little wink. Greedily I gulped from the bottle. The liquid burnt my throat, but it was all a part of forgetting.
"Hey leave some for the rest of us…" One of his friends stepped forward to pull the bottle from me.
I smirked at the three and apologized, saying that I was really thirsty. They grumbled something, so I moved on to find Toni or maybe a beer.
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I opened my mouth to say something, but Brittany continued before I had time to comment on her confession.
"I dropped out before my professors could fail me, and I went back home. I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to screw up your future like I had sabotaged mine. I thought that if I disappeared from your life you could carry on and be successful… like you wanted. I knew you were strong enough to do that, I was weighing you down…" The tears welling in her eyes spilled over and I could help but reach out and grasp her arms. That was my last thread. No matter what she did to me, Brittany never deserved to be sad. I know it sounds stupid, but I guess I'm just stupid then.
"B, you neve-" Brittany brushed my hands from her arms, only to reclaim them in her own between us.
"But I did Santana. It was hurting you, and I stopped it the only way I could. " She turned her head to wipe the tears on her cotton t-shirt clad shoulder and squeezed my hands.
"I stayed with my parents for a while before I talked with Mike, and he offered me a job at his Aunt's studio in Dayton. I didn't have anything going on other than a part time receptionist job at my mom's office. I left so that I could dance. Pass on my gift to the kids who wanted to learn. But mostly I left because if I sat still… I could feel the jagged pieces…"
Brittany lifted both of my hands to the bare skin uncovered by her tank top over her heart. "Right here."
I could feel the warmth radiating from her chest and the quick thumps of her heart beat. It was a familiar rhythm, one strong enough to reset my own and beat in time.
"Why… why did you leave me?" I gently pulled out of her grasp. Her skin under my touch was too much, it was drowning my thoughts. I was starting to understand, slightly. Brittany's logic was always a bit different from my own, but it was never anything I couldn't comprehend.
"Santana… the only reason…" She was fighting for words, her stress was evident. She raked a hand through her short her again and huffed.I wish she wouldn't had cut it…
Brittany turned and climbed into her car. For a moment I thought that she was leaving. Her voice was the only thing that stopped me from grabbing hold of her and pulling her from the car.
"I know it's not real. But it's real to me." She tossed the words over her shoulder while leaning over the seats to pull a crumpled piece of paper from her bag on the floor boards.
She pivoted on her feet and smoothed the paper over her stomach before presenting it to me. The paper was fragile and well worn. It had doodles of hearts and animals on the boarders, and more stains than I could count. The ink in some areas had flaked away, but it wasn't necessary for it to be legible.
I knew what it was.
I knew what was written.
It was going on five years old and showed it, but it was the pseudo-legal contract I created. Of all the promises she had broken, she felt bound to this one.
"This is the only reason that I could leave you. Because I knew that you had to come back to me. That I had to come back to you."
I handed the paper back to her. What was I suppose to say? It's ok that you cheated on me, dragged me along, stomped on my heart, and completely disappeared from my life? It's ok, because you're here now?
Brittany folded the paper neatly and slid it into her back pocket of her faded jeans. "I know that doesn't fix anything."
"It really doesn't." The stupid document was meant to make her feel better when she was weeping on my living room floor. Not to be used as a crutch to get me back after she dumped me.
"And… I don't deserve it. But…" Brittany looked up to the sky with a sigh and blinked causing twin droplets to roll down her cheeks.
"You're it for me ok? Like, no one else can compare to you. No one else gets me like you Santana. No one else can make me as happy or even as sad as you can." I smiled, my own tears threatening to spill. She beamed her flawless smile back at me and I felt my legs quiver.
Brittany took my crooked smile as an invitation to bind our hands together again. "There's only one person in the world that I want to be with. And that's Santana Lopez."
Brittany's speech mirrored my own feelings. Almost exactly, minus the whole 'wallowing in misery for the rest of my life' thing.
"You're asking for a lot B. A whole hell of a lot." She had strayed from me once. Left me in a heaping mess of pathetic, I'm still a mess without her.
There was a trickle of doubt in the back of my mind that I couldn't trust her.
Against the the thought of trust, there was a flood of want coming over me. Like I was standing on a beach watching the tsunami roll in towards me. I could try and run, but the waves would crash over me and drag me out to sea.
I felt that tension rising, filling the space between us like a hot bubble. It was something that pushed and pulled me towards her years ago. The strength it possessed was overwhelming, both physically and mentally. And I was drained from fighting it years ago in high school.
"I know." Brittany's voice was a mere whisper. I was transfixed on her thumbs stroking over my fingers in her grasp. "But I haven't got anything left to lose."
I looked up into her glassy blue eyes, ones which haunted my dreams for years. This was a girl who, unlike any other, had the power to captivate my mind and body. I don't know if she even realized the control she has over me. The potential to destroy me again, at least what little I rebuilt.
The danger was real for me.
Brittany just wasn't a girl. She was much more.
Hidden behind her angelic features, her perfect smile and glittering eyes; there was a beast. A creature waiting to sink its claws into my heart, asking my permission to pierce my soul once more. It would scratch away the flesh, crack bones under immense pressure, and tear through muscle; until settling in my inner most sanctum. Eliciting a pain which was only felt when the claws retracted; leaving a hole, empty and raw.
Here I was, with a scarred void, standing before her yearning to be filled again. Wanting her to thrust those claws into my soul and never leave.
Brittany was asking for my heart again. Denying her would leave me empty, but it could save me from a fresh wound. From an unbearable pain.
I could never say no to her. And that was probably a bad thing.
"Brittany I… I love you." I keep my eyes on her fingers grazing the sides of my hands. "But I don't think that I can just jump back into your arms. Like the last three years didn't happen."
"I'm not asking for that." Brittany brought a hand to the side of my face. I knew she was searching for a way into me. If she didn't want me, then what did she hope to accomplish here?
"Then why did you come here?" I closed my eyes and leaned into her touch.
"All I want from you is a second chance. I'm not asking you to forget, just forgive."
"A second chance?" I opened my eyes to find her staring at me, mesmerized.
Forgiveness, it was simple to say. However, the pain of her ripping away from me was something I could never forget. But she wasn't asking for that.
"Yes… Let me try and fix us. Please. I love you more than anyone in this world." Her eyes were swirling pits, dragging me down into her soul.
I wanted her so badly. To have her love again, to be the only one in her world. I could swallow my pain, ignore it. Maybe she could drown it out with something new to replace the pain with. Maybe she could heal the wounds she dealt me.
I pulled her hand from my face, wrapping my fingers around her palm. "Alright. One condition."
Brittany broke a huge smile with her blue eyes shining. "Anything."
"You're not allowed to disappear again. Even if we manage to fuck up again, you can't leave me alone. I didn't just lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend. I don't want that to happen again. Ever."
"I promise, super pinky promise that I won't disappear." She offered her pinky to me. It was something we've done a million times. Hundreds of unspoken promises and this was one of few verbal ones. Once I accepted it, curling my little finger around hers, a feeling of nostalgia and warmth spread through me.
Maybe I made the right choice. If not, this was going to be one hell of a letdown. But what's life without the risk?
"Ok then…" Brittany swung our locked fingers between us, still smiling. It was infectious and I felt my own pulling the corners of my lips into a grin.
"Do you want to um, get lunch or something?" Her cheeks flushed, causing mine to as well. It felt more of an official question than it used to. She used to state it, well she told me that she was hungry and then we'd go get something to eat. This was a strange change.
"No… sorry. I mean. Today has been a lot." I dropped her hand. I don't know if I could sit across from Brittany and attempt to eat. As of right now my appetite was nonexistent. I just wanted to go home and digest what I've agreed to.
"Oh, ok…"
Brittany pouted and I quickly thought of a way to make it go away. "I think that we should take it slow." Actually that was a great idea. Twenty bonus points for me.
"I think that's a good idea." She smiled as she agreed, but it wasn't as bright as usual.
"We've been apart for a long time, who knows how you've changed." I shrugged my shoulders. My interests slightly changed over the few years we were apart, naturally hers would have too.
"Err… I don't think I've done much of that. But that's fine, no lunch today." Brittany fidgeted on her feet and I followed suit by crossing my arms.
"Tomorrow?" I hated the way desperation tinted my voice.
"Uh, no I'm supposed to go shopping with Mom, and Darr's visiting too with her husband." Brittany's statement felt like a punch to my stomach. And from her expression, she felt the same.
Well this was starting off well. I wonder how the hell this was supposed to work when neither of us could scrap together the time to go out.
"Oh, that's nice… Tell them I said hello. Did she finally settle with Jessie?" Last I remembered of Daria she was with Jessie, a strange boy with an obsession with Starcraft.
"No, she met Thomas in grad school. It was like an instant thing, he's kinda cool." The information served to jar me into the reality of the situation.
We haven't spoken in three years, I don't know if she's even the same. Her family was branching out, is her mom still with Jeff? Who knew how many cats she's 'rescued'.
"Well, I guess I'll go now… I'll see you around." The conversation took a dive into the pits of extraordinary awkwardness. And I found myself extending a hand in the form of a hand shake.
"Yeah, bye Santana." Brittany quirked her eyebrows and gripped my hand in the awkward farewell. I pushed my sunglasses on my face to cover it.
"See ya Britt." I quickly turned and picked up my purse, taking long strides towards my car at the end of the lot. I decided that distance between us right now would probably be in my best interest, as to not look more foolish.
I dug through my purse to pull out the keys and unlocked my car. The door was open and I was climbing inside the oven like vehicle when I heard Brittany shout.
"Hey, wait up!" I spun around in my seat to see Brittany jogging towards me, her short hair bobbing up and down.
"I totally forgot you don't know my number." This was an oversight. I'm glad she caught it; it would have put a huge hindrance on our second chance thing.
"Here, give me a call when you wanta hang out. I promise that I'm free after tomorrow. But I'm leaving for Dayton Monday night." She handed me a small business card to a dance studio with her name and contact information on it.
"Wow you're legit now huh? I'll call you later, see if you're up for something Sunday then…" The card in my hand was growing heavy. Brittany lived in Dayton now. She wouldn't be fifteen minutes away; she'd be the better part of two hours away. How was this supposed to work?
"I'll think of something." I couldn't tell if she was reading my thoughts or if she was answering the previous question.
While I was lost in my thoughts of impending heartbreak, Brittany leaned down and gave me a small kiss on the corner of my mouth.
It felt like an electric current that reset my entire system. It banished my worry and put a huge smile on my face.
Before I could say or do anything else, Brittany skipped away from me, her hair catching in the breeze.
I jammed the keys into the ignition of my red Cobalt and blasted the AC. I sat in my car for a few minutes, my mind going blank. I retrieved my wallet from my purse and tucked Brittany's card into one of the slots.
A smile crawled onto my face as I backed out into the aisle.
So today wasn't terrible.
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TBC
AN:Let me know what you think about things and stuff. Next chapter car accident and Santana dies LOL.
btw Darr is Daria nickname.