Chapter 11:
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit fan based comedy. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and this disclaimer setup was created by Team Four Star. No, even my disclaimers don't belong to me.
AN: Updated the summary (damn you character limit) other than that not much to say.
A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from
Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
Alucard: I will not approve a week of paid vacation for you so that you can climb Mt. Everest. There are no old men living up there, and they will not teach you how to dragon Shout. Aren't you powerful enough as is?
Seras: Running through buildings to get where you're trying to go faster is far from inconspicuous, what part of "Secret Government Organization" do none of you comprehend?
Walter C. Dornez: As evident by the half dozen trees lying in the yard, your wires are not meant to be used for cutting the lawn. I am rich Walter, and I can afford to hire a few gardeners!
Pip Bernadotte: Mission reports cannot be turned in with just a single sentence saying, "We killed the thing, mission complete." The ones Alucard hands in are migraine inducing as is; I don't need you making things worse.
A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:
Alexander Anderson: Having the cooks use your holy bayonets to cut vegetables, while highly unorthodox, did indeed give the food a distinctly pleasant flavor. So… good work, I think?
A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:
Herr Doctor: I'm really not sure where or how you managed to find the Abominable Snowman, but seeing how he's willing to join the Battalion I'm not going to let you dissect him "for science."
"The Dandy Man" Alhambra: Your request to come back from Brazil has been denied. I might have considered it a bit further had you not gotten arrested by the police 20 times so far in the 2 months you've been in Brazil.
First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz: You cannot put someone into a terrifying illusion that destroys their mind simply because they were rude to you. First of all, it's not even particularly gory or gruesome so there's no entertainment value, and second off… well, *Insert Herr Doctor's rant about our low number of troops here.*
The Captain: While stealing your fellow member's food and biting off their hand when they try to take it back was good entertainment during dinner, stealing my food was an utterly unforgivable offence. I hereby sentence you to smaller portions at dinner for a month, and your squeaky toy allowance will be suspended for the same duration.
Omake: How the events of Hellsing Ultimate got kick started. (The prior Omakes will continue next chapter.)
At Hellsing:
Integra looked up from her desk in a mix of bemusement and mild irritation. "Alucard," she began, "Starting a project to build a 'Giant mega robot' would be an absolutely superfluous waste of money, and you know full well I would never agree to this." Alucard merely grinned his maniacal grin, and replied in his usual arrogant tone. "Ah, but just think of how jealous the Vatican will be when it's done. Why, they'll be crapping their pants at the sight of it…"
Automatically getting ready rebuke him, Integra started, "Alucard, that…" She paused. "Is an excellent point worth consideration." She sat in contemplation for a moment, before standing up, smiling from ear to ear. "Alucard, it shocks me to say this but I think you've hit gold with this one, I'll go inform Walter immediately!" And with that, she strolled out the room.
Alucard just kept grinning. He knew he'd get through to her eventually. Oh, on most days she'd ignore him, or yell him out of her office. But on the few times she actually listened?
Oh, they were worth all the rest.
A few days later, at the Vatican
"AAANNNDERSOOON!" Enrico Maxwell was sitting in his office when he got a most disturbing report. Apparently, those damnable Hellsings were developing new tech that would blow anything the Vatican had out of the water! Enrico clenched his fists. He just couldn't stand for this!
Rushing into Maxwell's office, and wondering why Enrico always called for him like that when they had a pager system, Anderson stood in front of his desk, hurriedly asking what the problem was.
Enrico flung the report at him. "Just look at this!" he yelled. "We're doomed if we can't come up with something to counter this!" Reading the report, Anderson had to concede this was admittedly rather bad. "On that notion, I'm sending you in for more… well I'll call it what it is, volatile holy experimentation. We're going to turn you into a weapon of pure carnage and destruction!" He paused. "Umm, you're okay with that, right?" Anderson rolled his eyes. "Ah suppose, long as Ah get ta kill more dirty fuckin' heathens." He then walked out of the office towards the Vatican's laboratory, as Enrico grinned madly. The Hellsing's would tremble in fear at the Vatican's might!
Just one day later, at the Letztes Battalion Headquarters (They have a better spy network)
The Major cleared his throat as he addressed his troops. "My friends, it has come to my attention that our enemies have begun to develop some… rather impressive military power. With that in mind, it appears we need to move forward with our plans a little sooner than expected." He looked down upon his cheering army and snickered. "The Old Men of the Opera House aren't going to like this very much…" He muttered to himself, before addressing The Doctor, and ordering him to start sending out the first wave of FREAKS. Looking back at his troops, he started speaking once more. "Well then everyone, ah, how does the phrase go? Oh yes," He grinned. "Let's get this party started…"
AN: Yes, the events of Hellsing starting when they did was in fact entirely Alucard's fault. Also, I tried to put the Major's speech in a German accent, but I couldn't do it properly myself and when I used an online tool, it was too accurate to how the accent sounds and looked kind of over the top in print. File the lack of accent under the same logic as why the Germans speak in English to each other in the first place.