Okay, guys. I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I feel like you'll all stone me to death if I do. All I can say is, I'm still dealing with a lot of stuff with my health and needed to get my head on straight.

Santana rolled her eyes as she walked through the hallway. St. Rita's was as cold as she thought it was. The doctors were alright, she really got along with the female resident psychiatrist though. Turning the corner, she smiled slightly and waved to Fiona.

"Hello Santana," Achimah said with a warm smile. "How are doing today?"

Sighing and leaning against the wall she thought about it for a moment.

Describe the pain, it choked your reality.

"I'm not sure. I mean, I'm really glad that as of tomorrow morning I will no longer be here, but I just feel like I may fail again, you know?"

It's all in your mind she said it. Instead you go graceful dancing. You close the door on the war I started last Halloween. I'm gonna be fine again. You got to keep graceful dancing, oh.

"I understand you being glad about leaving. I always mention that they should paint the walls or something. Give it more life," Fiona chuckled. "As for the thinking you're gonna fail...don't think like that. Just think positively and surround yourself with friends and family that will help you and want you to succeed. I've been clean for 5 years. I mean I'm only 25, but I had a slip up. I was clean from age 17 to 20, then had a friend or what I thought was a friend and he gave me heroine, put me off the horse, but 5 years later and I'm good. Just think about the positive."

Here we are and you're a superstar on your own. And I'm looking over your shoulder, getting older and God only knows that here we are. And you're a superstar on your own. Now here we are. Your sunset reigns like a bullet hole. Trees only seems for hanging, a moon is the target range and rivers seem only for drowning.

"Right. I actually have more people in my corner than I thought," Santana said with a slight smile.

"Like that short little brunette?" Fiona asked with a smirk.

Blushing, Santana nodded. "Yeah, her name's Rachel. She's pretty amazing isn't she?"

"If I was 17 again, I'd probably date her," she said with a laugh. "She's crazy into you, though. I mean if you didn't already know that, but judging from that big ass smile you're sporting, you do."

Looking to her feet, Santana shrugged. "I mean we had a date or two before I came here. Then I broke off whatever we had going. I figured it'd be easier to get better without putting her through everything."

You fall away and then you starve to finish your painting. Well, it's gonna take time my friends, you got to keep graceful dancing, oh.

"Well, you've got nothing to worry about. She's been waiting for you. I can tell," the slightly taller woman said with a smile. "You guys actually remind me of when I was your age. Nikki. She's always been there, she still is. Best thing in my life."

"You guys are still together?"

"Santana, time for your last session," Dr. Fernandez said from his door.

Rolling her eyes, Santana smiled at Fiona and turned to start walking to the doctor.

"Hey, Santana," Fiona said before she walked through the door. "To answer your question, we are." Santana smiled and nodded her head.

Here we are and you're a superstar on your own. And I'm looking over your shoulder getting older and God only knows that here we are. And you're a superstar on your own. Now here we are.

Sitting down in the chair across from Dr. Fernandez, Santana had a light scowl. She hated him. He was such a pompous ass. "What'd you want to talk about today doc?"

"Just run by your after care, nothing to strenuous," he said with a smile. "But I do need to tell you that while you think your glaring and small scowl aren't visible, they are. I know you don't like me. You want to know a secret?"

"Even if I don't," Santana started with an eye roll. "You're going to tell me anyways. So go right ahead."

"The only reason I'm such a hard ass is so that everyone knows that this is serious, if I'm too laid back, like I use to be, most of my patients relapse," he said with a frown. "I don't want that for you. I don't want that for anybody. So, with your after care, I don't think you need to go to a sober house. Besides your parents have already said that they haven't bought any liquor and won't be buying any in the near future. They'll help you stay on track and if you ever feel like you might jump ship and head for a bottle for comfort, you can call me."

"I don't want to," she said with a shrug. "Jump ship I mean. I want to be a better person than what I use to be."

Who knows that here we are. And you're a superstar on your own and I'm looking over your shoulder, getting older and God only knows that here we are. And you're a superstar on your own.

"Well, with that thought process, I believe you'll succeed," he said with a smile. "When you leave tomorrow, you'll be getting some papers, some books on after care. They really help. If you read them. There is also a book that we give all of our patients. It's an autobiography by Neyen Castro. He tells his story and past patients have said that his story has been a huge help to them. It's a good read, sad, but good."

"Alright."

"That's all I wanted to talk about," Dr. Fernandez said. "If you want, you can ask Fiona to take you out on one of the trails. Go for a walk. Talk to her if you want. Only way you can though, is if she is willing to go."

With a smile, Santana nodded. "Thanks Dr. Fernandez."

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow morning Santana."

Walking to the door, Santana paused and turned her head.

"You know, you're not so bad doc." With that she walked out the door.

Now here we are.

Knocking on the door of the nurse's station, Santana looked around the room. Lifting her head from some paperwork, Fiona gave a light eye roll.

"I'm guessing he didn't actually need you for an entire session did he?"

Shaking her head, Santana rolled her eyes, hard. "No, just talking to me about after care. He told me that I could go for a walk on one of the trails though."

"Only if I went with you?"

Nodding her head, Santana bit her lip. "Yeah, I think he knows that I get along with you better than I do Shelly."

"Well, it's not that hard. She's kind of a bitch," Fiona said standing from her seat and putting her paperwork in her mailbox. "So you up for that walk?"

"Yeah totally. Just let me put some sneakers on."

I really need to talk with you. I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through.

"I'm back. So can we talk about you and Nikki, right?"

"Yeah, her name is Nikki," Fiona said opening the door. "What do you want to know?"

"I don't know, I mean are you guys together?"

"Yes, we are. We've been together for 4 years."

"Not since you were 17?"

I wanna be your perfect stick of glue, but I don't feel that perfect at all. Sad and insecure flaw.

"Well, we dated when we were 16 up until we were 19. Differences in life or whatever. That's when things got bad again," she said opening the gate. "I fell back into my depression, I've dealt with it since I was little. I lost my father when I was 5. Drunk driver," she said with a shrug.

"That's how I lost my brother," Santana said with a knowing look in her eyes.

"Right, so you know what I went through, or at least sort of," she said. "Losing someone is always the same heartache, but losing a parent is always extra hard. Then when I was 16 I lost my mother to cancer. My aunt adopted me. I was in a deep depression with that, but I didn't show it. I started using heroine and Xanax, and one day Nikki found me sticking a needle in my arm."

I find it hard to hold conversation. I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away. It's not you it's strictly me in the situation. I'm wondering will it ever go away and when I'm sleeping, perfecting how to put a game face on.

"She basically told me, if you don't get help, then I'm out," she said stopping beside a tree to pick a flower. "Of course I got help. I didn't want to lose the love of my life you know. So I went to rehab and got out and she was there still," she said handing the flower to Santana.

"Thanks, so why'd you break up?"

"She didn't like the fact that we had been together for years and I won't tell her about my childhood, losing my father. She broke up with me and I went back into the depression because I was alone again. Didn't have my parents, my aunt was busy with work all the time and I didn't have Nikki. Life just seemed like it couldn't get any worse."

This puzzle I've been keeping has been hiding, creeping out the closet door, spilling out onto the floor. How long will I be picking up pieces? How long will I be picking up my heart?

"So, you started using again?"

"Yeah, because someone gave it to me. I was depressed and I figured if Nikki didn't want me sober then she wouldn't care if I was high," Fiona said pointing to the bench. "So I got high again. I did that for about 3 months. Then I saw her again and she instantly knew that I wasn't sober. She made me check into rehab," she said sitting down on the bench, leaving enough space between her and the younger girl. "I got out of rehab and there she was, again. She told me that the last 5 months without was torture and she knew that she wanted to be with me and she'd stay with me and let me get to the point of talking about my father. So we just talked for the next 2 years, we didn't date anybody else though. We were dating, but we weren't. Then we finally got back together."

I'll be as honest as I feel. I'm getting more paranoid and I'm hearing things and they never turn out real. It feels like my heart is made of pure steel. It's just so heavy all the time.

"So tell me about Rachel?"

"Uh, what do you want to know?" Santana asked suddenly shy.

"That's a cute look. That bashful and young and in love look," Fiona said with a shrug. "And I don't know, anything. What's her favorite thing to do? Other than undress you with her eyes."

"She does that?"

Laughing Fiona nodded. "Every minute that she was here, every time."

"Wow."

Nudging the girl beside her, she raised her eyebrow. "Favorite thing to do, Miss. Horndog?"

"Sorry, uhm, she loves Broadway. Musicals and bedazzling things. Making couples calendars, stuff like that."

"Sounds like Nikki."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, Rent, Funny Girl, Wicked. Those are her favorite musicals. And Spring Awakening, but I think that's just because the lead female had her top open," she said with a laugh.

"Wow. Does she happen to be related to the Berrys?"

"Not that I know of. But from your response those are Rachel's favorites too?"

"Yeah, except I'm not sure she's ever seen Spring Awakening," Santana said looking around. "But now that I know there's a topless female I may have to make sure Rachel never sees that."

"It's fine, it's not on Broadway anymore. And couples calendars...she a dog person or a cat person?"

"Cat person. Her ex-boyfriend called it her crazy calendar."
"Ouch."

"Yeah, but there's a reason he's the ex. One being is that he's a giant and she has to like stand on a box to reach his face. The T-Rex eating the Jew."

"So you hate him. Because he had her first or is there another reason?"

"That and he outed me in school which was then broad casted all over t.v. He's kind of a big douchebag."

"You're telling me. Did you hit him?"

"I rude boxed the motherfucker," Santana said seriously.

Yeah, I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living. I gave up on the past 'cause it's unforgiving. I misplaced my trust, I watched my work begin to rust. I'm a balloon about to bust.

"Did he cry? Because he deserves to cry."

"No, he didn't. He then decided to tell me that he didn't want me to commit suicide. Which by the way, I wouldn't. I'd miss me too much. He also tried to sing me a slowed down version of Girls just want to have fun."

"Such a homophobic asshole. Does he have a mental problem?"

"He's dumber than a two year old. Actually, a one year old is smarter than him. He doesn't even realize he's stupid. He's also terrible in bed and basically told me that I meant nothing," Santana said. "I had a crazed I'm not gay phase." She clarified when Fiona raised her eyebrow.

"Gotcha. I can gladly say that I've only slept with one guy. He's the only exception I made and would make to this day. He's a sweetheart and surprisingly still my best friend."

I need a place for reliving, but sometimes I feel like weeping awake when I'm sleeping. Perfecting how to put a game face on. This puzzle I've been keeping has been hiding. Creeping out the closet door, spilling out onto the floor.

After some silence, Santana turned to face the older woman. "I really like it up here. Very quiet and peaceful."

"I come up here a lot. Usually in the morning about an hour before the other patients wake up and after hours. I can really think about everything. Relive my past you know."

How long will I be picking up pieces? How long will I be picking up my heart? How long(in another space and time) will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind? How long(it's getting oh so hard to find) keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind?

"Santana, I just want you know that even though the rules and regulations say that we're not allowed to, you can talk to me. Before you leave tomorrow I'll give you my number and you can call me or text me. If you want to talk about stuff or just to say how you are doing. Or if you just want to hang out. It's always easier to have someone else in your corner, especially someone that has been in your shoes, or has even seen you in rehab, through the whole process, the good, the bad," Fiona said looking at the girl.

"That'd be nice, thanks," Santana said with a smile. "And I'd probably call you before I'd call Dr. Fernandez."

"I would too. He's too much of an asshole."

"You've got that right."

"Yeah, so you want to go back down or sit here for a little while longer?"

"Can we stay here? I want think about some life choices for a bit if that's okay?"

"Of course. That's fine."

But I still walk on.

Okay. R&R. The songs are...Graceful Dancing(First song) and Picking Up Pieces(Second song) by Blue October. Also, I'm going to attempt to get a chapter of Breathe Me out. If any of you read that.