Raito is dead. Raito is dead.
They're walking down the corridor and Ide knows full well that if he doesn't stay calm he'll probably be dead as well but he can't keep a grip on his thoughts, there's nothing to hold on to because the central fact is so unbelievable that he can't stay focused on it. Raito is dead. Kira is dead. One bullet. One second. As if it was always that easy. It's not easy. That's what he has to remember, that just because Raito is dead doesn't mean everything is fixed. Raito's hardly the only one willing to see him killed. But Raito is dead and his absence is a hole cut in the world –
Ide's heart is hammering and he feels like he might burst out laughing, or lose his temper, or even just panic. They've reached one of the empty offices. The man in front of him opens the door. Go in. Take a seat. We want to ask you some questions. There's an edge to that, like we know what you did. Or maybe there isn't, maybe Ide is just paranoid. He's got a good reason to be paranoid. Raito is dead and Matsuda killed him and Ide's immediate reaction was to try and cover it up. He can feel it, all around him, people or thoughts or something demanding what the hell did you think you were doing –
He hasn't sat down – he forgot he was supposed to – but one of them grabs him by the shoulder, shoves him into the chair. Suddenly he's not thinking about Raito's death. It will be like that and they can do whatever they want to him and he's already so scared he can't breathe.
They stand round him. Look down at him.
Well? one of them says at last.
Ide can't think how to answer, but it doesn't matter, the other man carries on almost immediately: Don't play dumb. Suicide? How stupid do you think we are?
If he stays silent, that will basically be admitting the truth. Only he doesn't want to talk because they'll laugh at him for trying to get out of this with words, they'll laugh at him for thinking he has any control over any of this –
His throat is dry. I'm only telling you what I saw.
Like hell. Why would he shoot himself? He was at the top of his game, never put a foot wrong. Whereas you're an enemy of Kira, you're only still alive because Matsuda wanted a pet, you'd jump at the chance to screw up Kira's rule –
Ide is biting at the inside of his lip to make himself say, No, keep his voice steady, stick to the story, don't let them think he's hiding anything. Of course they interrupt: What was it, Yagami told you it was the end of the line for you? Or you just snapped and couldn't face that you've lost? Come on, clue me in here, why did you do it?
Steady. I didn't. I heard the shot. I ran in and found him dead.
Liar.
I didn't see him die. I asked Matsuda what happened and he said it was suicide.
Are you deaf? The man's face close to his, like he knows Ide is fighting not to meet anyone's eyes. Breath, warm. You think anyone believes that?
I'm telling you what happened –
The guy hits him. It's a slap, not a punch, and the sting of it isn't important except that it's underlining you know what we're going to do to you – you know you can't do anything to stop us – you know –
You think Kira doesn't know a liar when he sees one? One of the others, speaking low and calm. And then, someone else: You've committed the crime. We all know it. You think lying's going to help? It's just going to make it worse. You want to know how much worse it can get?
You can't think about how much worse it's going to get. All you can think of is to keep stating the facts, as if they're all you know, as if you don't have another option –
(But he does have another option, doesn't he – if he told them the truth perhaps they'd see that as an expression of good faith, perhaps they'd let him live, perhaps –)
(He shouldn't have thought that because now he can't stop – now it feels like it's the only way out –)
(They want him to think there's no way out –)
He can hear his own voice, tired, resigned, You can do what you want, it won't change what happened. That's so stupid he could laugh at it if he were someone else. Do what you want and you can change everything, hasn't Raito proved that?
They're going to start on him in earnest now, they'll have to because otherwise they'll just loop this same conversation again. It's all right. It's all right. It's nothing he hasn't already faced and it's still better than death and it is ridiculous to be so scared –
He doesn't hear the door open. Just a new voice, calling across, authoritative, My apologies for interrupting, but I'd like to talk to Ide one-to-one. I'm sure that won't be a problem.
The people surrounding him step back and Ide sees the newcomer is someone he knows, slightly. Someone from work, one of the new guys. One of the pro-Kira guys. Clearly a relatively important pro-Kira guy, because the others start to leave immediately, no bluster.
As the door closes behind them, the man comes to sit down, scooting the chair over as if they really are nothing more than colleagues and this is an informal meeting.
Sorry about that. Warmth. Regret. Sometimes people let their faith overwhelm them, don't they?
Perhaps he's not a higher-up. Perhaps he was always going to come in and play the nice guy. Ide can still barely breathe for fear but a very small part of his mind wonders scornfully if they really think he's stupid enough to fall for it.
Can you tell me what happened? his questioner says, as if he's not a suspect at all, as if he's a victim, someone who deserves sympathy, and Ide feels desperation crashing through him like a wave, his mind seizing on a possible escape, help me, it wants to beg, I didn't do anything wrong, don't let them hurt me –
Which is exactly why this trick works, isn't it. It's exactly the same scam Matsuda pulled on him before, you can trust me, I'm a friend, I'm not like the others, I won't do anything bad – This time it's fury that takes him by surprise. You would have thought by now he would have gotten over being angry about this.
He takes a breath and hears himself answer. That he was waiting nearby and he heard the shot. That he ran down the corridor and found Matsuda staring in shock at a corpse. I asked him what had happened and he said Raito had... had asked for his gun and... that's all he said. He – Matsuda, I mean – he was pretty shaken up. I was trying to get him to calm down and explain but he didn't say much before everyone else got there. It sounds more of a lie every time he tells it.
Why were you waiting for Matsuda? the other man asks, calmly, as if he's just making conversation. Ide has to stop and mentally walk round the question a few times before it makes sense. Then he can't remember what the right answer is. Do they know about what was going to happen to Aizawa? Can't do. Someone would've brought that up already, thrown it at him as the perfect motive.
Most evenings, we... spend time together, he says, instead. The words stick in his throat but he carries on, I don't like... I don't like him not being there. He can see the other man's contempt as he smiles and says Right, I get it, but that's fine, that's fine, contempt and mocking pity is much better than accusation...
How's Yagami been, lately? I mean, behaviour-wise.
Keep it together. Keep it together. Of course they're going to ask about Raito. He tries to think his mind blank. Let the right answer show up provided by whichever part of him snapped into action and took the gun off Matsuda, it was warm under the shirt fold he was holding it in –
The memory is so vivid that he thinks for a moment that he's said it out loud and he nearly blacks out. But nothing happens. Kind, questioning face opposite him.
Raito is dead. Ide's outlived him, surely he can survive a little longer now.
He's seemed a little stressed, maybe. By the recent incident.
A nod. Like he'd bitten off more than he could chew? There's a – a hint? An assumption? Ide can't work it out. Polite blankness. I don't know. Maybe.
You think he's the type to suicide like that?
This is probably how stupid do you think we are all over again, but it's phrased like a genuine question, like the man is really interested in Ide's opinion, so Ide joins in and pretends to be genuinely considering his answer.
I don't know, he says, and it's like he's choking, he nearly blurts it all out: of course Raito isn't the type to suicide. Raito killed other people, not himself. Raito never knew a moment's doubt or guilt and why the hell did Ide think anyone would believe the lie –
But his questioner smiles warmly and says, Come on, you worked with him, didn't you? It's a simple enough question. Gently. Encouraging an answer. Ide wishes he wasn't still so scared. The fear is drowning out whatever the answer is meant to be.
I wouldn't have expected it of him. But I'd never seen him this on edge before, he says, all of which is true.
Another nod. The room feels warm. The smell of pages in the air. Paper. Notebooks.
The cop says, And his relationship with Kira?
Ide's jumped before he can stop himself, clutches at the arm of the chair. They –
They don't know?
They must know. Maybe it's a test, another way to catch –
But wouldn't it make sense for Raito to keep his own identity discreet? Stop his followers passing the information into the wrong hands? He'd – he'd even said, hadn't he, that Ide had better not entertain any thoughts of spreading the word of who Kira was…
His questioner says, shrugging, You understand we've got to consider that angle. You know as well as I do how Kira works. So… anything you think I should know?
It's a definite hint but Ide has no way in hell of working it out. They – they want dirt on Raito? Well, telling them the truth won't help anything. And it's hard enough keeping one lie going without adding another. And maybe he's wrong, maybe there isn't a hint at all, maybe Ide is just desperate to give the right answer –
The cop leans forwards, resting his arms on his knees, and says, It's all right. Kira won't punish you if you tell the truth. Yagami rather fancied himself as Kira's equal, didn't he? I mean… we all knew it. Any chance he could've been, I don't know, taking advantage a little? Making things easier for himself?
Hmm. Sounds like Ide isn't the only one who had reason to want Raito out of their life.
I wouldn't know about that, he says. It – it could still be a trick. Get the main suspect to a chance to reveal how much he disliked the deceased, get him talking, flatter him into thinking he's being so clever – He wouldn't have told me about anything like that, would he? Given our – our history, and the other man nods and smiles, Sure.
It could be a trick, but equally Ide hardly wants to give the impression he's shielding Raito.
But… you're… you're right that he did always see himself as – as Kira's equal. He believed he was doing Kira's work. He never had any doubts. Again, not even a lie.
Another nod. Matsuda's always with him, they say.
Like someone stepping too close again. It's easy to deny committing murder when you genuinely didn't do it. It might be more difficult when you're covering up for the person you know is guilty. When they got you into all this. When you're angry enough with them about that – and about them trying to save your friend's life like that will undo all their mistakes, like they think that will fool you into believing they're on your side, just like they fooled you last time –
He says, cautiously, Yes, generally. He. He was… fond of him. Raito. He… and his throat is closing up, how stupid, how stupid is he to think he can get away with this, any moment now, they can really make it hurt if they want to, he has to get out, he has to get out –
No. No. Don't think like that. His thoughts aren't pinned down. He can't fall apart now. Deep breath. Sorry. I'm not… I don't do so well with… unexpected situations, these days. His questioner nods, looks like this is just what he expected, says, That's all right. Take your time. A pitying edge to his voice, like he's humouring Ide. Trying to make him feel useful. Probably thinking what a sad case he is. Ide's grateful for it anyway and then he's mentally kicking himself, it's another way to make him think someone's on his side, get him to trust –
They were talking about Matsuda.
Matsuda was… very fond of Raito. They've worked together for several years. He wonders if the cop knows there was more to it than that. Probably won't help if he does, it will only put Matsuda into a box marked homicidal jealous lover or something. And besides, it doesn't matter if Ide claims not to know.
He shouldn't have thought about what he is and isn't supposed to know. It's making him feel dizzy.
Right. He certainly seems devastated… we're going to have a chat with him when he's calmed down. Pause. Pretty impressive surveillance system Yagami has set up in that room. Ide is suddenly so cold he feels like he's going to pass out. The cop carries on, Know what kind of work he did? When he was based there?
All Ide can do is stammer, No. What?
I don't know. The man grins. Was wondering if you did. It's not covered by the cameras, you see… seems odd. And we can't access most of the surveillance footage, either… no sound, and only cameras from the corridors. So we've seen the footage of you waiting for Matsuda, running out when you heard the shot. Some of the others heard it too, they back up your statement that you weren't on the scene when it was fired. But what happened in there… that's up for grabs. Still, I'm sure Matsuda will be able to shed some light on it.
Is it true? Is it actually true, can they have been that lucky? Another trick, maybe, convince them they've got away with it... get them to relax their guard...
The cop shrugs, gets to his feet. If you think of anything else that might be relevant, let us know, okay? We just want to find out more about what kind of person Yagami was. It's pretty tragic, someone taking their own life so young.
It's such a waste, Ide says, meeting the lie with another one.
***
Matsuda is dreaming that he's standing by Raito and Raito is lying on the ground and there is blood oozing down his face. Blood, and flies crawling around on his skin. It will itch. Matsuda's face is itching in sympathy. He's saying to Raito, I'll help, let me help and reaching down and he can't wipe the blood off. He's trying but it's just getting all over his fingers, all over Raito's face, in his hair, and they're both covered in it and Matsuda is saying he didn't mean to but he knows that he did –
He wakes up on the cell bed clutching the blanket and his stomach lurches and he buries his face in the blanket, telling himself he's not going to be sick. It smells musty but that's okay, the smell blocks out the thought of blood. But then the wool of it scratches his face and he's back to thinking about a line of blood running down skin –
Matsuda, someone says.
He almost stops breathing. He's almost too scared to look up. When he does, it's a police officer, one of the Kira supporter ones, and one of the information network coordinators. Shinichi Uehara and Matsuo Tsuneki, their names above their heads. Uehara he's only ever said the odd word to, but Tsuneki they greet each other in the corridors, they've made coffee for each other a few times. Tsuneki's always acted, though, like he didn't quite get what Matsuda was doing here. Polite bafflement. Raito said he's ambitious, and he likes to understand how things work. He knows that you're important to me, but he doesn't know how, and that annoys him…
Good morning, Tsuneki says, not sounding like he particularly cares. I hope you're feeling a little more responsive. We wanted to talk about last night.
Matsuda sits up and knows he should probably get to his feet, at least stop hugging the blanket, but he's too tired, like he didn't sleep at all. Plus there's the notebook tucked into his belt.
He nods, anyway, and Uehara says to him, Tell me again what happened.
Matsuda swallows – his throat is dry and his mouth tastes sour – and manages to say again, He asked for my gun and shot himself with it.
All right, can you talk me through it with a little more detail?
Matsuda's not at all sure he can but he can hardly just say No. He closes his eyes a moment, trying to think. Opens them and everything's the same. Names and lifespans and blood in the air. Ide glaring at him. If they think you did this, I'll be dead too. I'll be dead too
Ide, he's stammering, Ide's okay, right? I mean he's still alive? He didn't do anything… I said, he wasn't there…
They both look at him like he's being this stupid on purpose but then Uehara says, Your… colleague is fine. Footage from the corridor camera places him as outside the room when Yagami died. But you were right there. So. Why don't you tell us what happened? Yagami was at NHN. He came back here. Why did you go and see him?
He promised Ide not to get him killed.
I was looking for Mello, he says. On the footage. I… he'd want to know… he'd want to know how I got on.
How did you get on? Tsuneki says.
Matsuda can't remember the answer to that question. He can't really remember what he was saying, but then he's clenching his fists and, and Ide is counting on him, he's going to be brave and smart and say the right things, I didn't find anything but… I went to see Raito, I… No. No, that's not right, he went to talk to Ide first. No, sorry, I… Raito wasn't back yet. I wanted a break. Getting coffee. Joking with Ryuk about apples. I went to see Ide.
Tsuneki snorts. You do that a lot.
Raito wants me to, Matsuda says, like everything's still fine, and then he can't believe he's said it like he's already forgotten what happened. Chop to the throat. He clenches his fists again. Stupid. Pathetic. Worthless. Just get a grip, just be normal, why can't he do things right –
Tsuneki is explaining to Uehara. He's right about that. Matsuda keeps tabs on Ide. You'll understand we can't guarantee Ide's loyalty to Kira, for obvious reasons…
Really? I'm surprised to see he's still alive, if that's the case…
Well, Tsuneki says, like this means something, and turns back to Matsuda. You… spent time with Ide. We saw the two of you come out of his room later, just after Yagami arrived back at the house. Why?
I… I said. I was going to go and see Raito.
Why was Ide going with you? Tsuneki says, voice colder. He's meant to stay where he's sent and keep his head down. Not bother people who've got better things to do.
They haven't mentioned Aizawa. Makes sense. The camera footage for the cells is all sealed off. Aizawa and Ide talked about the notebook, about Raito as Kira, enough times. Matsuda knows as soon as someone does find out about Aizawa, what was going to happen to him, they'll work everything else out and that will be it.
He… he didn't want me to leave him on his own, he says. Ide won't thank him for making it sound like this but Matsuda doesn't know what else to say.
Really? Uehara.
Not as odd as it might sound. Tsuneki. No one else in this organisation has much time for him, given the crimes he's committed. He knows full well if it wasn't for his connection with Matsuda, he'd have things a lot worse.
Okay, so, he waited for you in the little library, and you went in to talk to Raito. How did he seem?
Matsuda tries to think. He doesn't want to think, not about Raito. Raito calm and smiling and saying everything will be all right and Matsuda kept believing him –
For goodness sake Tsuneki is beginning, but Uehara says, more kindly, It's all right, Matsuda. We understand it must have been a shock. You didn't see this coming at all?
Matsuda manages to shake his head. Then he thinks that that's another lie, that really the signs were there from the start. The bed creaks. Uehara's come to sit next to him.
If Yagami did suicide, he says, no one's going to blame you. We just want to know why. So tell me, did he seem stressed at all? Or acting out of character?
Matsuda digs his nails into his arms, tries to say something. Something that won't get him killed. He can do this. He can do this, he'll be brave, he'll do the right thing for once and –
Stressed, he says, quickly, before the thoughts can crash down on him again. Yeah. A bit. About Mello. Mello killed his dad. Raito hates him. He was... he was angry with me. Because... His mind is blank for a few moments. Uehara says, Because? and Matsuda manages to say Because I told Mello some stuff I shouldn't have. And then I couldn't find him. On the footage. Raito didn't want me to bother him. He wanted me to find Mello.
He feels the other two glance at each other.
Uehara says at last, There's a lot of stuff Yagami was clearly keeping to himself. The search of the system has shown us that. If it was suicide...
Oh, I think Yagami had a hidden agenda, all right, Tsuneki says. On the other hand, how do I know that didn't involve Matsuda? His voice moves closer. Matsuda can see his feet. You see, Matsuda, you've got to look at it from our perspective. He was found dead. Shot with your gun. No other witnesses. You're saying it was suicide, but you can't give a convincing reason why. You'd have had time to put the weapon in his hands –
Uehara breaks in, Matsuda would have been judged by Kira if he's murdered someone in cold blood. There's no way Kira wouldn't know about this. He doesn't sound like he's on Matsuda's side, though. He sounds like he's giving the other side of the argument because that's what's in his script.
Judgement might take a few days. In the meantime, we need the truth about what happened. It's important to establish who's really helping Kira and who's only looking to help themselves. We wouldn't want to end up allying with the wrong person.
I don't think alliances will be a problem. Uehara sounds warm, calm, like he knows everything's going to be fine. Yagami is dead. If Matsuda had any information about how he ended up that way, I'm sure he'd tell us. He wants to assist Kira as much as we do. Don't you, Matsuda?
Matsuda's heart jolts. He manages to nod.
I don't see Matsuda trying to exploit the situation, Uehara carries on. Or doing anything that might make us think he's a threat. I think that if he'd... done something stupid for his own personal gain, he'd be working harder to actively discredit Yagami. I think he also knows that he can't expect to, say, step into Yagami's shoes. I think he's well aware that an incident like this is going to follow him around, that he's just going to have to accept that, going forward, he won't be able to play much of a part in Kira's government.
He is leaning a little closer as he says, I think he knows that if he did make any moves like that, we'd become a lot more curious about what exactly happened last night.
But we're trusting in Kira, as we always have done. Kira may know something we don't. Matsuda knows that he won't be able to outrun Kira.
Tsuneki sounds like he's shrugging. Right. We'll see what tonight's judgements bring.
Uehara's getting to his feet. They're walking away. Someone will bring you something to eat, Matsuda. Don't worry. We just think it's safer for you to remain here for now. Once we're sure that your freedom is what Kira wants, we'll be happy to grant it to you.
Matsuda feels like about ten different conversations have been going on at once and he heard about two of them, but it's obvious they're pretty much daring him to make a fuss about any of this. He's not sure why they think he would. He's so tired he feels he can barely stand, let alone start yelling about things. He thinks they were hinting to him what story they want him to tell, but he didn't pick up on it, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do except stay here and keep quiet. They're at the door now, and then Tsuneki is saying, Why did Yagami take Ide to see the other one last night? Aizawa?
Matsuda feels like he just walked straight off a ledge.
The silence stretches and stretches and he whispers the only answer he can give: Ide often goes to talk to him. Tries... tries to get him to... to understand about Kira.
Ide does? Uehara says, disbelievingly, and Tsuneki is saying, If you're going to propose that enemies of Kira can be reformed, then you may as well try whatever you wish to convince them... personally, I've always thought Yagami uses it as an excuse to pretend to Kira that the two of them are worth keeping alive. He used to work with them. It can be hard to believe someone you probably trusted is... well. Sometimes people's emotions get the better of them.
It feels like he knows everything already. Perhaps he does. Perhaps they're just asking these questions to trip Matsuda up, catch him lying. Matsuda swallows again. Hears himself say, dull, tired, Aizawa is... is Ide's friend. Raito... he... he thought Aizawa might listen to Ide...
Not that he has so far Tsuneki says. All right, Matsuda, thank you for your time –
They're going to go. Matsuda had thought he wanted them to leave him alone but suddenly he realises what it's going to be like once no one is there to distract him from the memories of last night.
Please, he says, and he sounds too scared. He swallows. Tries to make his voice dull. Please, if… if it's possible, I… I'd like to… could Ide maybe come to see me?
Tsuneki snorts and looks scornfully round like he knows full well Matsuda is only asking because he doesn't know who else can fix any of this. A little late to try and get your stories straight.
Now, that's not fair. Uehara looking at him, pitying. He knows, too. I doubt it will do any harm. We'll see what we can do, Matsuda, all right?
And the door is swinging closed behind them. Just before it clangs shut Matsuda hears someone say, ... he's like that, nothing more...
And then silence.
It's all right. Everything is all right. All he has to do is sit and wait and remember that Raito asked for my gun and shot himself and everything will be fine –
It's stupid, Raito is saying – this is Raito from five years ago, sitting in an empty room in the old headquarters, hunched over, fingers digging into his arms as if he's angry with himself – It's so stupid, Matsuda. He died in my arms. Why does it feel so... so unfinished? I keep feeling as though I... He swallows. As though I missed something. Like there must be another explanation for him not being here. You... do you know what I mean?
Kind of, Matsuda said then. Now: Yes. I know exactly what you mean. Some people, you feel they're too... too alive to die. Some people, they wouldn't just disappear like that.
Only Raito hadn't meant it, had he, because he had killed Ryuzaki himself.
So that's another time Matsuda answered like he thought Raito really cared about his opinion.
Now it's not the blood, it's bits of memory. All the times Raito smiled at him or touched his hand or put an arm round him or blushed a little or said, I love you. They rise up in Matsuda's throat, behind his eyes, and he's looking for the mistakes, the cracks in the mask, the moments when he could have seen the truth, except he's not, he's thinking of how kind Raito was to him, how many times he came to find Matsuda and said, I missed you. Surely one of those must have been real. Surely. Even if it means he's shot someone who loved him, it's better than it all being nothing but lies…
He doesn't want to cry. No. That's not right. He thinks if he starts he'll never stop and the people watching him already think he's pathetic, not to mention if he loosens the grip on his thoughts he might spill the truth without meaning to.
You can't hold out for ever.
Soon the disbelief, the numbing, will wear off. Raito will be dead and everything he ever said will have been a lie and Matsuda's going to go to pieces live on camera.
(Thinking of Ide now, kneeling on the floor, gasping for breath, hands pressed to his face, blood running down his fingers, shouting through them go to hell, voice cracking, and they'd laughed at him, and why wouldn't you, you could see he was scared –)
He can't breathe.
Because Ide was right, everything Ide said was right, and Ide knows and has always known that Matsuda sold him out to keep something that wasn't even real. Matsuda destroyed Ide and Aizawa's lives and got Mogi killed for nothing.
All – it was all a waste – it was all –
He can't breathe. From far away something's reminding him it wasn't just that, it was that he would've been caught as Kira, that he'd already killed the SPK by that point, but it doesn't – it doesn't matter, he became Kira to help Raito, he became Kira because Raito needed him and wanted him and saw something useful in him and – because he thought Raito wanted him –
No. Not this. Not now. Not seeing it all laid out in front of him –
Can't
I can't
Of course Ide hated him when he found out the truth –
He manages a gasp of air as if his head is breaking the surface of water for a moment. It's fine it's fine you're not suffocating you're all right it's fine maybe someone's written his name down, maybe he's dying you're such an attention-seeker you're behaving as if something terrible happened to you it was you it was all you he is so scared stop it, stop looking so pathetic, they'll work it all out, they'll think you're crazy he wrote down so many names –
you can never come back from this
you could have stopped and you didn't
Name after name after name. He can see them, he can watch himself writing them down. It, it should've felt difficult. More frightening. It shouldn't have been so simple. It never felt like the names were names of real people. He wrote them down because he thought Raito loved him. It shouldn't have been so simple – something should have stopped him –
You should have stopped yourself
But you didn't
Because you were in love
Anyone hearing that will tell him a quick death is too good for him, and he is going to be that person for the rest of his life –
He's stopped. No. Started. Started breathing again. He's sitting on the bed. His fingers are knitted together. Separating his hands is exhausting. His face itches a little and he rubs at it, expecting to see blood, but it's not, it's just that he's been crying. He should be embarrassed about it but it doesn't mean anything. It's just a fact.
He's too tired to keep sitting upright. He's curled up on the bed. Those are facts, too.
Everything has fallen apart but now it's happened, he doesn't know why he was working so hard to stop it. It's as though this was always going to happen. He just never realised until now.