Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 11

Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.

The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10

There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.

If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.

Chapter: 11

I thought it was odd Mike wanted to marry me; I found it incredible he wanted me to be the mother of his children, but it made sense when he was sleeping with other women and drugged me. Edward's friendship was a bond we shared through a common pain, his willingness to kiss me was the loneliness he felt in his life, but wanting to share a child with me was the same as believing in aliens. My children couldn't breathe and returned to heaven since I couldn't save them.

I pulled from his arms and walked from the room. My body was fighting itself in a war. My heart loved the idea of another baby to hold and kiss and love completely. But my head couldn't even pretend to be willing to go into that pain again.

I was crying when I reached to door to my room and Edward quickly grabbed onto my arm. "Bella, let me explain, don't run from me, please."

"How do you explain what you just said? Why would you try to hurt me so badly?" I sobbed.

"Because I want children Bella, but the thought scares me, no, that's not the word…terrified, it terrifies me to think of losing another child. You understand the fear and I can't think of a better mother on the face of the earth. If you want me to marry you I will, if you want to be neighbors and parent together, I'll do that, too. I turn thirty on my next birthday and I want more children."

"No, Edward," I yelled. "You know nothing about me. My own parents kept me out of obligation. I'm not…" I couldn't finish because I didn't have the words to tell him he needed someone wonderful to share his babies with, not me.

I was so frustrated and I felt tired of trying to be something, somebody, somewhere, but I was nothing, nobody, and nowhere. A child would deserve so much more than me for a mother, especially his child. I couldn't explain concepts to him that were unexplainable.

"You're wrong," he said with a soft voice which sounded so soothing.

"I'm not wrong," I said and held out my arms to show him my veins. "It isn't something tangible; it's in my DNA, in my blood. My blood poisoned my baby and every time my heart pumps blood through my veins it reminds me I'm worthless and nothing. Don't act all sweet and think it changes anything, it only hurts more."

"My God, who did this to you?" he said as his own tears filled his eyes.

"Was I wrong for wanting him to say it, just one time, tell his daughter he loved her or she was good? He should have hit me, so I could point at that action to prove he was wrong. Instead he ignored me and killed a part of me, never feeling safe enough to share my real emotions."

"I'm here to tell you how wonderful you are, and how much I love you. I know you are good, because I saw Luke's room and I felt the love in there. You have done amazing things for me, to help me deal with my emotions, so there is nothing dead inside of you. You are alive and thank God I found you."

I shook my head as he took a step toward me, but he kept coming. He pulled me into his arms and spoke into my ear. "Let me show you love, Bella. You want it so badly; let me show you it can be yours."

I cried in his arms as I felt my own circle his body. He kissed my neck and spoke again, "Do you like this, Bella, do you like my kisses on your neck?"

"Yes," I moaned and he kissed his way to my mouth.

"And this," he said against my lips.

"Yes."

He spent the entire next hour working his way slowly around my body, asking me what I liked and what I wanted from him. I felt like I had total control of what we experienced and how far I thought we should go. I stared into his eyes when we finally connected as lovers and watched his mouth form the words. "Can you feel my love, Bella?"

My mouth opened but I couldn't speak. My head fell back and I tried so hard to contain my responses, but this was so new and I couldn't tell where I stopped and he started. Nobody had ever treated my body the way he did and when I felt him ready to explode he was not shutting his eyes and imagining other things. He was looking and me and breathing with me, and finally fell over the edge along with me.

"Edward," I screamed as I felt like I was falling into a deep abyss and needed him to save me.

He yelled out several unintelligible words as he clung to me, and we didn't worry about condoms or possible mistakes. If this action resulted in a child, it would be a child conceived in love. I wanted to say something wonderful to let him know the pleasure he brought to me. My brain couldn't think of one thing so I incoherently mumbled, "I love your penis."

He raised his head and laughed as my entire body turned bright red. I hid my face in my hands and wanted to disappear into a hole. "I didn't mean it like that, I meant you were so tender and…"

"No, don't take it back," he teased, "I'm going to call everyone I know, starting with Emmett."

"This is humiliating," I moaned and he pulled me in for a deep kiss to remove the uncomfortable feeling.

We slept tangled into each other's arms and I was sure the entire night was a dream. I felt special for one night, and tried not to think about the day he would look at me the same way Mike did, like I was an inconvenience in his life. For now he felt I was good enough to mother his child, I would hope he wouldn't find out the truth just yet.

I woke up with a start when the bedroom door slammed loudly. I jumped and Edward groaned in annoyance. "I'm telling mom," Emmett said with a loud laugh. I quickly made sure no exposed parts were giving Emmett a free ogle.

"Get out," Edward said and turned his back to the door as he sunk lower into the covers.

"We're all going to breakfast, get your ass out of bed," Emmett said and tugged on our blanket.

"Fine, leave the room and we'll get up," Edward bargained.

Emmett left the room and yelled loudly, "Edward and Bella are procreating."

His words made us pause and we looked at each other realizing the chance we took last night and feeling the weight of our decision. We didn't talk it over and make an educated judgment, we got caught up in the moment and it could possibly have huge consequences.

"I don't care," he said to my contemplative face and my eyes looked away. "Hey," he called and I sat up and held my hand out for his. I pulled him out of bed and finally asked the hard question.

"How do I get to my room without flashing Emmett?"

Edward handed me his shirt and I quickly put it on. "Much better than Tanya," he said with a smile and I rolled my eyes at him. I made the run to my room and took a quick shower before dressing for the day. I walked into the family room to find Alice and Jasper there, too.

Alice jumped up to hug me as if I had accomplished something very difficult by sleeping with her brother. Rosalie said I looked well rested and she found that disappointing. When we headed out to eat Edward placed his arm around me and had a hard time keeping his eyes off of me, too.

I noticed it because it was so different for me. He found ways to touch me often and when I would take his hand or touch his leg he would smile and say, "Thank you." He was never so caught up in conversation that my touch was ignored or unnoticed.

When we sat down Jasper handed me a small folder. I opened it to find Mike's final offer. He would be out of the house by the end of the month and all the albums would be returned to the hall closet. I knew I should be happy, but I was now Bella Swan again. I was divorced, unemployed, and possibly even pregnant.

I could imagine what my father would say.

"We should celebrate," Edward said softly and I nodded without looking at him. He leaned in close so the others couldn't hear and whispered, "Life gets good from this point forward."

I wanted to believe him so badly. I wanted to believe that my life stuttered in the beginning, but I was now on track and it was smooth sailing from this point forward. But I had some things I needed to face. I had to go to Forks and tell my mother about the divorce. I wondered if I would be strong enough to take Edward with me.

When we all went our separate ways Edward asked me what I wanted to do first today. I took his hand and kissed his cheek before saying, "I want to see where Alec and Jane are buried."

He tensed and looked into the sky before giving me a quick nod. "Let's get some flowers to take with us, some Gerber daisy's in blue and pink," I suggested and he actually smiled.

We spent a lot of time picking out the perfect arrangement and I began to wonder if he was stalling. I decided to talk about it at length before making him face the heartache. I led us to a bench and sat down.

"Did you order the headstones or did someone else?" I asked.

"I did. I picked a large storybook with their names engraved on the pages. I considered an angel, but at the time I was too upset to think of my children as angels."

"Did Victoria come to the funerals?"

"No, she was in the hospital," he said and I could tell his chin was starting to shake.

"Have you spoken to her about the accident?"

He shook his head and took a deep breath so I sat the flowers down and picked up his hand. "Bella, the hardest part for me is knowing fifteen minutes would have changed everything. Why didn't I leave the house earlier, or drive a different route? My babies are dead because of fifteen minutes."

I hugged him tightly and asked, "Do you remember your last words to them?"

His tears flowed freely now and he shook his head up and down. I stood and pulled him up with me. "Let's go see the storybook and you can tell me all about them."

He picked up the flowers and hailed a cab. We didn't talk the whole way to the cemetery and walked stoically toward the burial site. He sat the flowers by the large headstone and I stood behind him with my arms holding him tightly.

"Hi, my babies," he said softly and broke into sobs. "It took Daddy a long time, but I came."

I let my hands gently rub his chest.

"Jane, I bought you another holiday Barbie. I placed her on the shelf next to the others. She has on a pink gown so I knew you would like it. Alec, I'm so sorry buddy for not getting you the cell phone. I should have," he broke down and couldn't continue.

"He wanted a cell phone?" I asked and Edward turned around in my arms to face me.

"If Victoria was drinking he wanted to have a way to call me. I told him I would get him a cell phone, I just didn't do it soon enough. I never thought she would put them in a car."

"Was he like you?" I asked and Edward smiled.

"No, he was so great. He didn't worry and brood like I do. He loved everyone and everything. He was so patient with Jane. She was dreamy and never paid attention to anything, so he looked out for her and made decisions for her."

"He sounds exactly like you," I said softly.

"One night he came into my room and asked if I was going to get him a new mother. I asked him if he felt I wasn't doing a good enough job and his eyes got big and he said, 'You're a great mom, dad.'"

Edward and I both laughed and he turned back to the headstone and said, "Kids, this is Bella. I wish you could have known her because she makes me very happy."

"I would have loved to have known you," I added.

"I need your help," he continued looking at the ground. "I need you to help me convince Bella she is the best woman I have ever known. She's amazing, she just doesn't know it."

"Edward," I said and let my arms drop from his waist. His words made me uncomfortable but he continued talking.

"Alec, you always looked after Jane and I need a favor buddy, I need you to look after Luke, too. He needs a big brother to make sure he is happy, so Bella won't worry about him."

My hand had made it to my mouth and I held it tightly to control my cries. I never believed my father would be watching out for Luke, but I did trust Edward to see that he was looked after. Our children were joining forces and becoming a family, and maybe Edward and I would be able to do that, too.

I let my head lean against Edward's back and I closed my eyes and took a huge leap of faith. I knew there was a possibility I was offering my fragile heart only to be rejected again, but I offered it anyway.

I could hear his heart beating against my ear and he pulled my hands from around his waist and held them in his own. I said it several times in my head before saying it out loud.

"Edward Cullen, I love you." I shut my eyes tightly and braced myself for his reaction. He began to cry loudly as his chin fell to his chest and I wasn't sure what it meant. I held perfectly still and he turned once more to face me.

I wiped his tears with my fingers and he leaned his forehead against mine. "Bella, you said it, and you said it in front of my kids. I love you, too. I have loved you for a very long time and I wasn't sure you would ever love me back."

"I don't deserve you," I told him honestly.

"I know, you deserve someone so much better," he said before kissing me deeply.

We spent the rest of the morning sitting next to the concrete storybook. He told me every detail he could remember about his children's birth, their growth, and their development. Alec spoke earlier than Jane, but she walked earlier. Edward never spanked his kids but he used time outs often and demanded they show respect to each other and their parents.

He was generous with Victoria and let her spend time with the kids, as long as she didn't drink or put them in a car. When Alec got old enough to tell Edward if she drank, her visitation would be cut back. I finally asked him why he had them buried in Chicago and he told me his plot was next to theirs.

I didn't want to think about Edward dying, he seemed to like me, and for now I loved him for it.