Chapter 11- The Way I Loved You
The plane ride home held unbelievable tension, though none of the other team members seemed to notice. JJ acted as if everything was normal; sitting and talking with Reid and Garcia the entire ride, after spending the night in Garcia's room. They had yet to talk, but at the moment Emily wanted nothing less.
Instead, Emily sat by herself in the corner seat of the jet, starring out of the window through her sleepless, blood-shot eyes. She didn't even notice when Morgan took a seat beside her, and jumped when he spoke.
"Tired?"
Emily forced a half-hearted smile and shrugged, unable to speak as she felt like she was about to start crying again any second.
After a few minutes of silence, Morgan spoke up again. "Just give her time, Em. JJ." Morgan nodded towards JJ before smiling knowingly at Emily and walking back over to play cards with the rest of the team.
It seemed to take hours but the plane eventually arrived in DC, and Emily stepped off the jet last, following the rest of the team across the tarmac.
She was pleasantly surprised to find Carrie waiting next to Haley by Haley's car, Jack asleep in Carrie's arms.
Emily smiled despite the fact that she felt like crawling up into bed and sleeping, blocking out the world. Carrie greeted the team and handed Jack to Hotch, casting a look at JJ as if trying to read her, while JJ just walked to her car, avoiding all eye contact.
"Hi." Carrie smiled gently as she walked towards Emily.
Emily dropped her overnight bag and almost collapsed when Carrie wrapped her arms around her in a hug. "Hey." She sighed, bordering tears.
Carrie pulled back after a few minutes and frowned at Emily's appearance. "I figured when you didn't call me back that something happened. Do you want to talk about it?"
Emily shrugged. "Let's go home."
Emily bent down to grab her bag but Carrie beat her to it, smiling reassuringly. Emily wrapped an arm around Carrie's shoulders, pulling her close and Carrie leaned into her shoulder as they walked to an awaiting cab Carrie had called.
The ride home was silent and Carrie had barely torn her eyes away from Emily, concerned for the older woman.
"Hey, do you want to get a pizza or something? It's kind of late to make anything." Carrie asked as she walked into the lounge room, Emily following.
"Actually, I'm kind of tired. I think I'm just going to go to bed. You can though."
Carrie frowned and nodded, watching as Emily threw her bag on the couch tiredly and looked up at the stairs as if they were never ending. "Emily, uh, are you okay? I mean, do you want to talk about what happened?"
Emily waited a few minutes before responding, her face contorted in a mixture of emotions. "She left." Her voice was barely audible. "She found out how I felt and she left."
Carrie opened her mouth in shock, unsure of what to say, as Emily basically collapsed on the couch, covering her face with her hands. Finally, Carrie replied. "Well then she's not the one."
Emily looked up at her through tired tears, confused. Carrie took this as an invitation and took a seat beside Emily on the couch. "What exactly happened?" Carrie asked after a few minutes of silence.
Emily shrugged, finding her voice. "I was on the phone to you and she overheard. When I hung up, I knew. I tried to talk to her, to explain, but she just left."
"God, Emily, I'm so sorry." Carrie sighed. "I really thought she felt the same way you did."
Emily scoffed. "Apparently you're not the only one." Carrie looked at her confused. "Morgan talked to me on the plane. He told me to give her time."
"So maybe that's what you should do. Maybe she's just trying to process that you feel the same way that she feels about you."
Emily was about to retaliate but stopped herself when she saw the hopeful look on Carrie's face. "We should get to bed. It's late." She smiled then glanced at her watch. "Or early." She said referring to the fact that it was bordering 2am. "And you've got school in the morning."
Carrie groaned and Emily laughed, both standing. Emily wrapped an arm around Carrie's shoulder and lead her up the stairs, stopping outside of Carrie's room.
"Sweet dreams." Emily smiled, running a hand down Carrie's arm.
Emily left to walk towards her own room, turning back when Carrie called to her. "Emily? I'm really glad you're back."
Emily smiled through exhausted tears. "Me too, kiddo."
JJ barely made it to her car before her tears overtook her, and she collapsed in the front seat, sobbing uncontrollably as she gripped the steering wheel tightly.
She couldn't believe it; any of it. The way she had handled the situation, the fact that she had avoided Emily for nearly 24 hours, and especially the fact that Emily felt the same way about herself that she felt about the brunette. She loved her.
JJ shook with sobs as time flew by, trying to find any glimpse of hope in the situation she had destroyed. Why hadn't she just told Emily she felt the same way? Or at least just heard the brunette out?
It was just after 2am when JJ's phone rang and she recognized the ringtone immediately; it was one of the only two she had personalized, Emily's home phone and Emily's cell. Or, technically, Emily had personalized them one night when they had been hanging out.
"Hello?" JJ asked, swiping at her tears and attempting to sound as though she hadn't been crying. She wasn't successful.
"JJ?"
JJ froze for a second, sure it was Emily's voice. "Em?"
"No, uh, it's Carrie. I'm sorry to call so late."
"Hey." JJ smiled through her tears, relieved that it was the teenager rather than her mother. "That's fine, sweetie. What's up?"
Carrie hesitated before continuing. "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out tomorrow? Em told me you guys have the week off and she's got errands to run and I've got school, but afterwards maybe?" Carrie asked hopefully.
"Uh…" JJ didn't know how to answer. She didn't want to disappoint the girl; hell, she loved hanging out with her, she loved her, but she didn't think she could be around Emily. At least not yet.
"Please." Carrie begged. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages and I really don't want to follow Em around all afternoon."
"Emily won't be there?"
"No. I mean, not unless you want her to. But I was thinking it could just be you and me."
JJ sighed relieved. "Sure, sweetie, that'd be great." She answered after a few seconds, running her hand through her hair. "Do you want me to pick you up from school?"
"That'd be great, thanks."
"You should get some sleep, honey. See you tomorrow."
"Thanks, JJ."
"You're welcome, sweetie. Sweet dreams."
JJ smiled sincerely as she hung up the phone and turned on her car, driving home. She figured since Carrie was so eager to hang out, Emily must not have told her, and JJ couldn't help but feel grateful for that.
JJ was leaning against her car, waiting for school to let out the following day. She was exhausted; no sleep often did that to you; but she was excited about spending the afternoon with Carrie.
She hadn't spent much time with Carrie over the last week and she missed her. Carrie had brought out something in both herself and Emily that neither of them realized they had before.
"JJ!" JJ grinned as Carrie came running towards her, almost jumping into her arms as JJ wrapped her in a hug.
"Hey." JJ laughed as Carrie pulled away. "How was school?"
Carrie groaned and climbed into the passengers' seat while JJ got behind the wheel. "The usual. How was your day?"
"I did laundry and grocery shopping." Carrie laughed at her response as JJ began to drive. "So what do you want to do?"
Carrie paused, thinking. "I was thinking we could just hang out at the mall or something. I mean, if that's okay with you?"
"Sounds great. I haven't had a girls shopping day for ages."
"I thought you and Em hung out last weekend when I was babysitting Jack?" Carrie asked confused and JJ blushed.
"Oh… uh, yeah."
"What's going on with you two anyway? Em seemed really distant when she got back last night." Carrie pretended not to know, hoping to hear JJ's side of things.
"Everything's fine." JJ answered immediately making Carrie scoff.
"You sure about that?" Carrie raised her eyebrow. "You answered pretty fast."
JJ looked at her, feigning confused, but sighed when she realized Carrie wasn't going to back down. "I overheard her on the phone. She said she loved me."
"And you love her?" Carrie asked hopefully.
JJ opened her mouth to deny it but changed her mind at the last second. "Yes." She whispered.
Carrie's face lit up and she shifted in her seat excitedly. "So are you going to tell her?"
"I don't know, Carrie…" JJ sighed.
"Why not?! I mean, she loves you, you love her. Why the hell do you two have to be so goddamn stubborn?!"
JJ looked at her shocked, before smiling slightly. "You sound like Emily."
Carrie smirked. "Seriously? I'm trying to convince you to tell the woman that you love, my foster mother, that you love her, and you tell me I sound like her? Wow, what would Freud say?"
JJ laughed. "You've been hanging around the team for too long."
Carrie laughed too, speaking up after a few minutes. "So are you going to tell her?"
JJ smiled at her. "You don't give up, do you?"
"Nope." Carrie grinned with pride, waiting for JJ to answer.
JJ was nervous, but she knew the talk was inevitable, and with Carrie's support, she wasn't so sure she wanted to put it off much longer. "I'll talk to her tonight." She said shakily.
Carrie squealed, bouncing in her chair, both of which made JJ laugh as she pulled into the parking lot of the mall.
JJ and Carrie had spent over three hours at the mall before JJ had dropped Carrie off at the Hotchner's, after Carrie had "remembered she promised to look after Jack for the night", and after JJ had promised that she would go speak to Emily.
JJ stood outside of Emily's front door for almost ten minutes before finally getting the courage to knock.
"Carrie?" JJ could hear Emily call from inside as she walked towards the door. "Did you forget your keys?"
Emily opened the door seconds later, looking worse than JJ did. "JJ? What are you doing here?" Emily's voice was hoarse and JJ couldn't tell if it was from lack of sleep, the fact that she had been crying, or both.
"Emily, uh…" JJ trailed off and Emily folded her arms across her chest. "We should talk."
Emily scoffed. "Oh, so when I want to talk, you leave. And now that you want to, you think I'm just going to lie down and take it."
"Emily, please." JJ begged, her eyes filling with tears.
"Jesus Christ JJ! I said I love you and you walked away. You left, Jennifer!"
"No…" JJ shook her head furiously, crying. "I wanted to say something, I did, but I didn't know what to say or how to talk to you. You're my best friend, Em." She sobbed and Emily found tears running down her own cheeks.
"We could have figured it out. If you had just stayed, and talked, we would have worked out something…"
"God, Em, you just don't get it! My whole life I've been straight, and then I met you, and- god!"
Emily looked at her confused, standing up straighter. "What don't I get?" JJ shook her head no, crying. "What don't I get, JJ?" Emily repeated.
"That I love you too!" JJ screamed and Emily stumbled back a few steps. "I fucking love you. Since the first day I met you. It scared the hell out of me and I tried so goddamn long to deny it but I just couldn't. And then you said you loved me, and I… I just couldn't deal with it, Emily. Not then and there. But I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere until we deal with this. With us."
Both women stood in silence for a few minutes, gathering their thoughts, with JJ's subsiding sobs the only sound.
"Tell me again." Emily whispered. JJ looked up at her confused. "Tell me you love me again."
JJ smiled through her tears, looking intently at Emily as the taller brunette grinned at her through her own tears. "I love you." JJ whispered.
Both women were grinning as Emily reached out to JJ, gripping her arms. JJ moved closer to Emily, raising a shaky hand to cup Emily's face, wiping away the brunette's tears with her thumbs. Emily smiled, tucking a piece of hair behind JJ's. JJ edged closer still and gripped the back of Emily's neck as her lips met Emily's, and both woman realized nothing had ever felt more perfect.