A.N: I apologise for the lateness, I've been having a little trouble with muses and plot bunnies at the moment. I must warn you, after this chapter I believe there will be two more and then an epilogue. I hope to get this story finished before the new year but I'm starting my last year of Sixth Form on Tuesday so there will be a bit extra work I fear. We'll just have to see how it goes. In the mean time, enjoy the chapter.

Impetus

Chapter Eleven

21

Leonardo's POV

Life was different now, and it had been hard getting used to. I'd become so adapted to having a life with a lover, it was bizarre to think I didn't have it anymore, to think any breaks I took I wouldn't spend them with Usagi. It hasn't even been a year, only nine, nearly ten months.

He wasn't here to hold and comfort me when Sensei passed away not long after Christmas. He wasn't here when Raph broke up with Natasha after four and a half years (I bet she doesn't tell her current boyfriend her ex was a turtle). He wasn't here when Casey and April were engaged. He wasn't here for a lot of things, including our twenty-first.

Well, in all honesty, our twenty-first is actually today. And it's only just past eight in the morning, but I don't think he'll come. Why should he? I missed his twenty-eighth in February, although Sensei had just passed away so I did have an excuse. I wanted to write him a letter, or send him a birthday card (He used to find the idea so comical) but I couldn't bring myself to.

Sensei had been so pleased we'd broken up, even though I hadn't let my relationship with Usagi affect my leadership. I proved I could have a lover and be a decent leader, but that wasn't good enough for him. He wanted no distractions, no time off. And he always told me Usagi would hurt me in the end because that's what lovers did. That didn't stop him from accepting the women in my brothers' lives.

But he was still my father and I loved him, right to the very end. He and Raphael repaired their relationship just weeks before it happened. It was Donny who convinced him to, after telling us Splinter wasn't likely to make it past Easter he was so ill. I guess he was just too old and living in the sewers caught up with him eventually.

There were many tears, even from Raph. Despite their feud, which was my fault, he still loved our father so very much. Mikey wouldn't talk for days, Don locked himself in his lab, and Raph was hardly home, but things are better now. We all knew he was starting to live on borrowed time when he got sick more often. He was already pretty old when we were mutated.

Things don't seem so strange without him anymore. We practice in the mornings still, but no one takes the lessons anymore. There's just a script we all follow. An hour of drill, an hour of kata, then an hour of meditation or sparring depending on the day. No one watches Friends at exactly six in the evening anymore. And the only person I make tea for now is me.

I found it hard at first. His lectures and instructions were all I'd ever known. But I'm doing fine now, we all are. Things are easier to cope with, for all of us. We miss him, but we are older now, adults, we can take care of ourselves.

Boy am I going to feel left out tonight. I don't like parties so much. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my brothers, even if their girlfriends are there, and April and Casey, but there will be vast amounts of alcohol, and really loud music, and lots of mess. Michelangelo and Casey are very hyper drunks. Raph's just mean. And Don? He's hard enough to understand when he's sober, it's even worse when he's tipsy. And April just gets silly and sentimental.

I hope Raphael's new girlfriend is different to his last one. Sure Natasha was pretty and saw past my brother's exterior, but she could appear quite snobbish sometimes, and she'd say things that hurt and you don't know if she was joking or if she meant it. She was different with him of course but I think he grew tired of it in the end. He was young then anyway, he probably has better judgement now.

It both amuses me and annoys me how I'm introduced now. I think it was Mike who started it. Well, meeting Alex was the first time I'd heard it. No doubt he'd come up with the title long before he ever had to introduce me, knowing Mike.

"Alex, this is Leo,"

"Oh, are you the ol-"

"The gay one who dated a screwed-up rabbit Samurai person-thing, yeah that's him."

Thanks Mike, but I'm pretty sure she was about to say 'oldest', dork. Not that I mind much, I know he wasn't being nasty, I just don't see why he was to mention it. It's as if this is how people should recognise me now. You know, Mike the prankster, Don the genius, Raph the hothead and Leo the gay one. That sure sounds good doesn't it? Huh please.

You want to know something else that happened this year? Don won the Battle Nexus Tournament. I was so proud of him. I lost my match to Raphael in the semifinals and Donny won his against Traximus surprisingly, (Mikey lost in the round before to our Triceraton friend) so that left the two middle brothers in the finals. It was weird really, seeing Raph and Don fight like that, like they had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I hate to admit it but I was so shocked when Donny won. Not that I have a lack of faith in Donatello's abilities, but Raph was so determined and Don's usually so peaceful. I guess Donny was just tired of being taken as just the genius all the time or something, I don't know, but he deserved all the praise and recognition he received.

Now there's a statue next to Mikey's in the Hall of Champions (Don looking far more modest of course) and an identical trophy on the mantlepiece. I couldn't have been prouder, and I don't think Raphael was too disappointed either. He congratulated our brother, shrugged his shoulders and said there's always a next time. He has really matured over the years.

I didn't see Usagi there. I don't know if it's because he knew we would be competing or because he was genuinely too busy to enter. I asked the Daimyo if he'd seen him but he told me he hadn't heard from the samurai for a good year or so. It still sort of hurts, not calling him 'my' samurai like I used to.

Nobody else is up yet. Well I can't blame them really, not when we get to sleep in for once. We always get lie-ins on birthdays and Christmases. I can predict what time they'll be up already. Don will be awake in about an hour, Raph around ten or so, and then one of us will drag Mikey out of bed around noon. If Alex hasn't phoned by then of course.

Another thing that happened since Usagi broke up with me? April and Casey got engaged. How crazy is that? I mean don't get me wrong, I like Casey as much as the next guy but I thought April would have had enough by now. I mean they're so different, it's literally a relationship of brains versus brawns don't you think? Who would have thought April liked all those muscles and clueless grins?

I'm happy for them of course. We helped them find happiness together and that means so much to me. I couldn't believe it when they came round to tell us. I think we were all in shock, even Raph and Donny who are closest to the couple. But then again, they had been dating nearly five years at the time.

It was quite a funny story actually. Casey took her out for dinner, put the ring on a bread stick when she'd vanished to the bathroom and waited for her to take one. Casey, being the shell-for-brains that he is, forgot she doesn't like them, so she didn't find the ring. Once they'd finished eating, April went to the bathroom again and a waitress came to clear their plates. She was going to take the bread sticks away, but of course Casey showed her the ring. And the waitress must have flunked every test of common sense, because she tried the bloody thing on. Yup, you guessed it. It got stuck.

So April comes back from the bathroom to find her boyfriend trying to wrestle an engagement ring off this stupid waitress' finger. He had no choice then but to get on bended knee, dragging the waitress with him, and propose by sticking the waitress' hand in April's face so she got the picture.

Needless to say she said yes and they unstuck the ring eventually. By that time, after all the grunting and arguing with the waitress after she'd tried the ring on, the whole restaurant was watching and applauded. Trust Casey to make a scene out of a mere marriage proposal. But thankfully the ring fit April fine and now they are happily engaged with a date set for March next year, near the anniversary of Casey's father's death.

Quite an event, both the proposal and the ceremony to come. I'm not sure if we'll be able to attend. Both April and Casey have decent sized families. We'd have to disguise ourselves really well and sit right at the back. I guess we'll just have to wait and see where things will be and how they'll work.

You know what was the first thing Raph said the moment we were told they were engaged? You're not up the duff are you? I kid you not, that's exactly what he said. April hit him before I could. At the time I didn't think much of it but recently I have a great deal.

This means our friends want to live together as a family. So you know, that implies children. Now doesn't that sound weird? Casey might be a father and April a mother. We'd have a little niece or nephew to chase after. I know they'd make good parents, even Casey. He has protectiveness and enthusiasm to compliment April's seriousness and dedication. Wow children.

I'd accepted long ago I'd never have my own children. Even if I wasn't gay, I didn't think I'd ever strike up a relationship that would be that strong and meaningful. Let's be frank here, how many ladies out there would like to mate with a mutant turtle and have their babies? Yeah that's what I thought. So I got over the idea of no children.

It bothered me at first but now it hardly crosses my mind. I would have liked them, very much so. Who knows, maybe my brothers will have children someday. It might hurt me briefly, remembering I can never be a father, only an uncle, I don't know. Even if they never do have children, we will have any offspring April and Casey produce, and they'll be spoilt rotten.

Usagi and I had spoken about this, if only a little. It was after we'd only been together a year or so, and the thought of no children still upset me. It was a time when we were supposed to be together all our lives, and when we thought of our futures, we imagined the other definitely in it. Or I did at least.

He told me he knew the only way we could have children was if we adopted. And because he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he was willing to consider that option in many years to come when we were older and had learnt the lessons we were supposed to learn. At first I didn't like the idea, but then I thought about it.

Sure the child wouldn't have my blood, or Usagi's blood, but my brothers and I don't have Master Splinter's. I realised it doesn't matter if you are related through blood or not. What matters is how you feel. If you feel like that kid is your son, then heck, he is your son! Whatever child Usagi and I took in would still be ours.

But of course that's not happening now. Maybe he's still with that other person? A woman probably. One whom he could legitimately marry, one who could give him children, one who would be willingly accepted by his family and friends of his who were high ranked in Lord Noriyuki's hierarchy, those who cared about their reputation. I could never do that. To them, everything about me was wrong.

I don't think it ever bothered him, that I was not the ideal partner to anyone but him. But then again it was him I was with and not her friends. Despite some faults, Usagi was a down to earth person. He didn't care for his reputation or getting in with the superiors. And that was something I really loved about him. Sure he was a little proud and stubborn with it sometimes, but we all are.

I still miss him. Especially at times like this when we all have something to celebrate. I guess I wouldn't be 'normal' if I didn't, I mean he was a big part of me even before we dated. But you will lose people throughout your life, be it for good or bad, and there's nothing you can do to change it. I accept that now, particularly since breaking up with Usagi and losing Sensei. We all accept it, even Mikey.

Still, I know tonight will be a good night. We have a lot to be thankful for. I know it's not just me who feared we wouldn't still be four brothers at twenty-one years of age. We knew Sensei might pass on by then, but we also thought one of us might have gone too. I couldn't bear that thought.

I used to lie awake for hours, letting it eat me up. But it would eat up anyone living our lifestyle, human or not. We passed a milestone today, and I'm not the only one who knows it. God I sound so negative, kind of like Raph I guess. Still it's the truth and how things work in this day and age, whether we like it or not.

My tea was cold as I finished it. I guess I'd been brooding a little too much. I got up to make another, feeling rather nostalgic. Donny came in when I was boiling the kettle, looking quite perky for eight 'o' clock. I suppose that's what birthdays do to you even at our age. The novelty wore off for me years ago. It'll probably never wear off for Mike, and I hope it doesn't.

Don's always been an early riser, like me, even when we were children. And, also like me, he is a morning person. Never cranky or anything, even if he'd been up until God knows what hour in his lab, just like me in the dojo. We have a lot in common. Don was the one I'd go to for advice and help when we were young. He wouldn't patronise or mock me, he was always so attentive and willing to lend a hand no matter what the problem was.

"You want a drink Donny?" I asked quietly. I already knew the answer, Don needs his coffee just as much as I need my tea.

"Please," His grin was infectious and I couldn't help it spreading to my lips. "Hey Leo," He sat at the table and spread his arms as wide as his smile. "Happy birthday,"

"Happy birthday Donny," I repeated with a quiet laugh, preparing our drinks.

He was quiet for a while then, even when I'd sat opposite him and passed his coffee, milky with one sugar. I didn't quite know what to say to him, despite my initial thoughts of us having so much in common. The silence wasn't awkward though. We were comfortable just to sit in each other's presence, listening to someone else's breathing and the chink of a porcelain mug on the table.

"D'ya ever think about him?" He wondered finally, staring hard at the drawing Mikey drew for Master Splinter many years ago taped to the fridge door. It was a bit yellow and dog eared now.

"Which him?" I questioned, as two hims were very prominent in my mind that morning. Donny thought for a moment. He probably meant Master Splinter at first.

"Both," He replied eventually, looking up.

"All the time," I shrugged without hesitation.

I think about the future mainly. What would happen if Sensei was still alive, if Usagi and I were still together? What if questions are the worst kind of drug. You think just one, then a million explode in your mind and you can't stop thinking about them. What if this had happened? What if I did this? They gnaw at you relentlessly until they're all you know and you completely forget about everything else. I hate what if questions, but I can't help thinking about them, just like everybody else on this planet.

"Did you hate Sensei for what he thought about you and Usagi?" Donny asked softly, his face an expression of sympathy and curiosity. I shook my head.

"I never hated him, just that belief," I explained gently, staring into my tea. My brother's gaze was a little too intense, too observing, too analysing.

I hated his ideas, not him. I know it barely makes sense, but it's the truth. I just couldn't understand why I was supposed to be happy existing as a living weapon, how he expected me to be fine with it. I know he wanted me to be a perfect leader, but nobody's perfect. I have everything anybody else does. I have thoughts, feelings, emotions, and I experience them as strongly as anyone. It's how you deal with them that makes you who you are.

"Do you hate Usagi for breaking up with you?" Don's voice was softer, as if he knew Usagi was a tender subject for me. It is, although I try to pretend it wasn't.

Did I hate him? No, it was like how I felt about Sensei. I could never hate him no matter what he did. Except you know, hurt my brothers or something but whatever. Maybe I still have feelings for him, I don't know, but something's still there. Perhaps it was because he was my first lover or something, I don't know. But I still feel myself hanging onto him, his kisses, his voice, his touch, for some reason or other.

"No, I don't," I answered, noticing Don's sad smile. It somehow made his hazel eyes just that bit brighter.

"Do you still love him?" He wondered. His quiet, tender voice made me feel slightly vulnerable.

"I don't know," I sighed truthfully.

I'd fitted in so well in his world. Well, the village we stayed, as I haven't seen much of that side of the portal. But I'd made friends with his friends, learnt my way around the shops, adored Daisuke and his family. And now I can't go back. Usagi has no reason to leave that place. I can't risk returning, even for a little visit.

"Some people you can never let go of," Donny said intelligently.

He was right of course. Some people in your life touch you so deeply they snatch a piece of your heart for themselves and you can't get it back. I think Usagi may be one of them. There are some I don't mind, like my brothers, or April and Casey. And the piece Sensei took is gone and buried with his shell. I hate that Karai snatched a piece and continues to keep it, no matter how much she betrays us, a tiny part of me, the part that is missing, hopes there's some good left in her somewhere. But as for Usagi, I don't know if the piece he took will come back. It might in time.

"There might be others one day," I shrugged, although I do think no one is quite the same as your first partner.

"There might," He agreed wholeheartedly, his face filled with thought, an expression he wore often.

I'd hardly given much thought to any 'others'. I'm not like my brothers. I don't go out. Or if I do it's very dark and late at night and I avoid interacting with humans like the plague. The chance of my brothers meeting women who liked them was slim, what probability do I have of meeting a guy? Probably zero I'd say.

But what will be will be. I'm only twenty-one and I don't plan on leaving just yet. I have all these lessons left to learn, even if I'm not learning them with Usagi like I'd planned. We aren't the luckiest of clans, but things usually right themselves in the end.

"I wonder if he's married with children like most of his friends," I mused out loud, breaking the silence.

"It's possible," Don concurred slowly. "Why don't you find out?" He suggested. I shook my head.

"I think I'm better off not knowing," I answered.

Or maybe knowing he moved on would give me the incentive to move on myself. I don't know. It might hurt knowing he'd done what we planned with someone else. Although he is a few years older than I am, pressure would be on him in that society to marry and start a family. With a woman, of the same species.

Don got to his feet and put his cup in the sink. He didn't say anything to my reply and I could tell he was turning everything over in his mind again and again just like he always does. He stepped beside me sitting at the table and stooped to give me a strong hug.

It made me feel better, knowing I had Donatello, and always will, just like Mikey and Raph.

"Happy twenty-first Leo,"

"Happy twenty-first to you too Donny,"

To Be Continued

A.N: I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, even though there wasn't much development in story. Many thanks to the amazing Donny's Girl for beta reading as usual. Please review and much love!