10 The Sound of Grief
Whenever the woman had fought in his presence before, it had been against him. He had never had the chance to see her fight before from the outside, as he did now. When Noel came at her, nearly cutting into the exposed flesh on her side, she deflected the strike, somewhat clumsily because of having to do it so quickly, backpedaled, and blocked another strike the boy had aimed at her throat.
It was then that Caius understood that Noel truly was trying to kill her, and that he was attempting to get it over as quickly as possible. He had known Noel all his life, though he not been seen by him until the boy was several years old, living in the same village. The last of the Yeuls had grown up strong, and Noel had been protective of her since he had first met her. Noel had always been the type to give up half his meal to a sickly friend, or go out hunting for many hours in search of food. He had always been there to help perform the traditional funeral rites of the Farseers when a friend finally passed from disease or starvation. Defiant in spirit as he had always been strong in body, the boy survived and thrived where others gave up and died, and that was how Caius had known, instinctively, that this was the one to fulfill his dream.
Noel, however, refused to take a life, so steadfast in the belief that Caius also knew he could never be coaxed to run him through when the time finally came.
Hence had he needed to force the blade through his chest, armor and bone and muscle and all, as the boy screamed his horror and the world grew dark in more ways that just his loss of senses. Noel could not be told to kill, he had to be made to – the Liberator had driven him to that point now, as he could see, to where Noel fought blindly tooth and claw and tried to kill that which he blamed for his plight.
But even as Noel darted in and out like a cobra, he knew even this would not come to pass. The woman had done her best, but it was too much. Noel would lose his nerve. The fury would fade from his eyes and his anger would slip away into nothing as old morals stayed his hand from a killing blow.
Of course, she didn't want him to succeed. She wanted him to release all his pent-up emotions, wear him down, and then force him into a corner to free him.
He could see that as clearly as the stars in the black sky.
Noel circled her like a wild animal, darting in and out, and the first time the ragged edge of his ancient javelin pierced her skin and spattered the ground with blood, Caius felt himself stiffen and bristle even as Noel hopped away. The woman released a choked gasp of pain as she patted a hand at the wound, blood streaking her skin and armor. If Noel made too many of those cuts, she would grow weak from loss of blood. She was too important to the future of mankind – this could not be allowed to happen.
But he stayed rooted to the spot, safe in the black shadows for now, and waited. He could let this run its course and leave when she did, of course, do as she had asked and let her save Noel from the chaos. The boy would never need to know he still lived, or confront his ancient and imagined sins. He could live the rest of his life with a piece of his heart always blaming himself, and Caius could fade into the chaos and leave it be.
But there was a choice now where there would not be otherwise.
And to ignore it would only be one more thing he'd never forgive himself for. Noel deserved to know his madness was in vain and blame horribly misplaced.
The tussle continued in front of him, with the woman never making a wrong step despite Noel's fierce attempts at upsetting her balance. He came at her now, feinting to the left before shifting sharply to the right, but she reacted as fast and lowered her shield-shoulder into him. Noel grunted as he struck the shield, flailed when he dove under him, and landed with a thud when she dumped him over his shoulder. It was like watching a sack of Pulsian wheat fall off a chocobo cart, and the boy made a graceless attempt to get up, all arms and legs.
He smirked, recognizing the move as one he had taught to the boy.
And it was one he had used a few times against Li–
He cut off his thoughts right there. Her name was not something he could just throw around. Hers was special: if he spoke it, if he knew her as more than the great warrior who had stood against him without fear, he would place a name to the nameless. He refused to give her the satisfaction of knowing he considered her human, refused to give her that inch that could become a mile, and understood that if he thought it, he would say it, and the names wouldn't be just tags on a pair of fierce, faceless warriors.
Instead, he focused on the battle, in time to see Noel separate his javelin in two and slash at her from both sides in a pincer move. She grunted and tried to dodge, but he struck the side of her head with one of the blades. She fell to the side with the sharp hnf of air rushing from her lungs. Obviously dizzy, she brought her legs under her, in time to block another strike aimed at her head. Swinging around, she fell on her back, then shoved both feet into his chest, forcing him to fall back. She returned to her feet, using the leftover momentum to right herself, and shook her head, no doubt to clear it, before facing him again.
It wasn't going to last much longer, Caius could see, and clearly – she was getting tired of the game, and Noel had begun to look irritated, weary, as though he pleaded for her to bring a decisive end.
Then he charged again, and she met it.
The woman hooked her broken sword into the elegant and worn wings splayed out from the javelin's blade, yanked the boy to a halt, and rammed her knee into his chest. When Noel coughed violently, she twisted the blade to knock him back, slung around, and kicked his legs out from under him. This sent the boy stumbling back, trying to keep his legs under him, but she simply flicked her blade again and tripped him flat. Noel yelped and toppled onto his shoulder, rolled with the impact, and came up on his feet, panting.
The Liberator remained frozen in place, and waited.
Caius let his gaze rove over her for a moment. In the village of the moogles, she had looked as though she were wreathed in flame, surrounded by glowing flowers and shadows. Here, even in the trash of the ghetto, surrounded by the stench of decay and grime, even with blood painting her skin and her brow shimmering with sweat, she looked every bit the image of the legendary "Liberator".
As Etro had once made a very wise choice selecting this warrior as her champion, able to stand on even footing with him, it seemed that Bhunivelze, too, had chosen well.
Noel coughed again and swallowed hard. "You've gotten pretty tough. You really are just a machine."
She shifted her weight. "Yes. My only purpose is to save Serah from the jaws of death. I don't care who or what I have to cut down on my way through. And that means you, too." Her voice did not quiver, even in the slightest, as she spoke words of half-truth. "But you're different. You can go on to see a new future, even if I don't make it there. You can go to the new world."
"Giving…" Noel straightened and hefted his blood-painted javelin. "…I succeed in killing you."
"That is true," she said, quietly. "Yeul would want this, wouldn't she?"
Noel panted for a few moments until his breath slowed, and then he just looked at her in silence for a few beats longer. "No," he murmured, "she wouldn't. No matter what might come of me killing you, she'd never forgive me for such a crime." Locking her with a blank, hollow stare, hands quivering, he swallowed, and said, "My hands would be drenched in blood, and I'd embrace her, but it wouldn't–" He shook his head, shutting his eyes tight. "She'd never forgive me, but I could see her again. And even seeing her again would be– it would–"
The Liberator said, "You love her so much, then?"
"Yes!" Noel cried. "I do! And if it means I get to see her again, even if she won't look at me, I'll destroy you!"
She swung her blade up and around.
Noel, looking furious, confused, and heartbroken, hefted his javelin again and slung it around once. The intensity of emotion in his eyes pierced Caius's heart to the core, despite the centuries-thick armor he had so carefully laid around it, and he knew what had to be done. Even if she convinced him he had no fault in this, Noel would still go on blaming himself, in some secret place in his heart, and that was something he could not allow to befall the boy he had known for so long.
Even if it summoned ancient nightmares, Noel – and by extension, himself – must be made to confront the bitter consequences of the world's state.
Caius hesitated no longer, swiftly stepping into the light pooled around the now-extinguished Oracle Drive, and spoke a single word in his firmest, strongest voice, stepping between the Liberator and the Shadow Hunter, sword called to his hand and coming around to stop the young man's javelin cold.
"Enough."
For a few moments, there was nothing, only the woman's breath quickening behind him and Noel panting from the exertion of their scuffle. Then, as though struck by a night terror, the boy gave a blood-chilling gasp of horror, eyes springing open, and stumbled back, falling slightly onto his knee as it bent behind him. The javelin came up to point right at Caius. Fear and fury roiled in his dark eyes; he panted, chest heaving.
"You," he said. "You! How could– it's not possible!"
Caius said nothing, curious as to what he would do.
"I saw you die!" And then, suddenly, Noel reacted, slinging his javelin around with enough force to knock the cruel blade away, and Caius sidestepped before returning to his original spot, determine to remain between him and the all-too-important woman still standing beside him. "You died! I killed you! You can't be alive! Not after all this! This has to be an illusion, some kind of trick of the chaos! Did I go this insane?"
Angry, grieving, he punctuated every sentence by lashing out with his javelin, and Caius easily blocked every one of them, quickly draining the force out of his attacks. On the last, he landed close to the hilt, so Caius flicked his wrist and upset Noel's balance, making him scramble backward.
"Caius," he heard her say, sharply, at his back.
Noel lifted a dusty face from where it had bowed toward the dirt, ocean-blue eyes fixing him with a stare so hot with accusation that Caius did not dare make a sound or move an inch. "You did all this," he said, voice shaking. "You did. I tried to kill her because of you. This cesspit exists because of you. Because you killed Etro, everything fell apart. How can you possibly be back?"
When the Liberator started to move past him, he blocked her way with one arm and pushed her back, gently but firmly. She grunted, but seemed to understand.
His sword vanished in a wisp of darkness, and he looked Noel right in the eye. It was time to offer nothing short of the truth to the boy's grieving spirit. Noel deserved it. "You knew even then that I was immortal. However, neither of us knew the true extent of my immortality, or what it meant."
Noel stared at him. "You don't have the Heart of Chaos anymore. Whatever explanation you got better make sense."
Caius kept his voice low and calm. "I am being kept here against my will by Yeul."
He snorted in obvious disdain. "Against your will? Right."
He said nothing and only gazed back.
Slowly, the anger melted off the young man's face, and he straightened, still looking wary, but no longer as though he would pounce at the slightest provocation. Instead, he looked confused, anxious. For a moment, Caius felt bitterness rise up inside of him again. This was his fault. Noel had always been realistic, but more optimistic than cynical, eager to live, never with the mind of condemning others. To see him curled up in this shadowy den, driven mad by the images of an Oracle Drive, reminded him of himself, driven to senselessness by centuries of Yeul's visions and many more centuries of her endless deaths.
"Didn't you get what you wanted?" Noel sounded small.
It was a testament to sheer force of will, being able to stand there with an expressionless face, while his heart churned and raged. I was a fool, he wanted to shout, proclaim to the world how horrible the things he had done truly were, but he carefully maintained self-control.
"On the contrary," he said, "were it not for her coming for me–" Here, he tipped his chin toward the warrior behind him. "–I would still be trapped in the temple with all the Yeuls who had ever known me. We are all chained to the chaos. They will not allow me to die, and they cannot allow me to be free. They have decided, and I have agreed, that the chaos is where we belong."
Noel stared at him. "Is… is my… is the one I know–" He took a breath. "Is she trapped, too?"
"The girl you love is there. She cannot leave, though she wishes it with all of her heart. She has wanted to see you to fulfill her promise, but she is as much a prisoner as any of us."
The look of grief and horror that came across Noel's face felt as though somehow had taken a sword and slashed across his heart. The centuries-old armor could not protect him from the pain. Noel reeled back, making a choked sound, a cry of anguish, and his bones seemed to give out as he collapsed to his knees and pressed his hands to the sides of his head. Another cry, this one louder and harsher, escaped him – a sound of sorrow, of insurmountable pain, that echoed thinly within the filthy walls that surrounded them.
"She can't leave!" he cried, the horror thick in his voice. "Even if I had killed Lightning and even if that had been true, she still wouldn't have been able to get free! I still wouldn't have seen her! Oh, Yeul–" A cracked sob left his lips, and the depth of what he felt was painted plain as day.
Noel had fallen in love with the girl at the end of the world, deeply and truly, absolutely devoted to her, only to have her taken away by an early death. Now, even when the new world came, even if he glimpsed her one last time and fulfilled her promise, it would be little more than a passing dream. Now, he understood. Noel knew the truth now, and there was no escaping the fate that had been brought upon them.
With obvious difficulty, Noel pulled himself back together before lifting his gaze and letting his hands drop to his knees. His dark eyes blazed with feeling.
"How does it feel, knowing you're tearing lives and worlds apart? Was it worth it? Huh? Do you still think her fate was forced on her and she didn't want to live again?"
With great effort, Caius held his tongue, feeling rage deep in his soul.
"You ruined everything!" Noel cried, and then sobered as he rose to his feet again. "Fine. I'll never get to see her again, but there was always hope. Not that you know what hope is anymore, probably. You don't get it. But hey, at least I did what you wanted, right? I killed Etro and destroyed the world."
It had been a long time since Caius had allowed the depth of what he had done sink in. He could still remember the moment when realization had struck, when something had clamped his cold heart in a vise and began to squeeze until he would have been crushed, overcome by feeling, raging against his fate, and they had dragged him back, over and over, until he understood his fate, accepting it, deserving nothing less.
"Noel," he said, "I am responsible for all of this. There is no one to blame but me. You are not to blame. You have done nothing wrong. I forced you to this. If you must have someone to blame–" Taking a deep breath, he fixed his eyes right on Noel. "–you know to whom it must be directed."
Noel seemed to stare without seeing for a long moment, then he said, quietly, "I see one Oracle Drive prophecy and I lose it. I couldn't deal with Snow and Hope never blaming me for what happened. Yeul smiled even when she died, and what do I do?" He curled his fingers into a fist and pressed his wrist to his forehead, eyes closing. "I decide to kill someone to try and change what happened. I wanted to see her again, save her, so badly, that I didn't care what I had to do to make it happen."
He heard the woman behind him sigh; resisting the urge to look at her, he kept his eyes on Noel.
"I had to do something. I had to fix what happened, bring her back, save her from this, make sure that what I did didn't keep her from–" His eyes flew open and the hand fell away from his forehead. "I turned into you. Even though I hated what you'd done, I turned into you. I ended up doing the same thing, and all this time– it wasn't– it wasn't– I wasn't–" His voice suddenly cracked, eyes clouding with emotion. "You were to blame, not me. You did this and I did nothing except try to kill Lightning, an innocent."
Caius waited a few moments before speaking again. "You cannot change what has happened. You can only move forward and into the future she is leading you toward."
Noel's eyes darkened. "Yeul is suffering because of you, and I should just give up and move on?"
Caius said nothing, only nodding, once.
Noel was still holding his javelin at his side, but it unfolded again with a snick. Caius took a step back, more to be close to his charge if Noel should make a sudden move, and Noel leapt straight up into the air with the enviable ease he had always shown, one arm extended to aim while the other threw his javelin. Arcing over their heads, it sang as it flew, the stabilizing wings ringing through the air, and there was a crunch and sound of shattering glass.
He heard a gasp as he looked over his shoulder.
The javelin had been thrown with enough force to pierce the Oracle Drive. Pieces of beautifully carved enamel and gold-embossed metal lay scattered on the ground. Electricity arced in pops across the hole punched in the center of the device's internal workings. His javelin had embedded itself in the filthy dirt near the wall at an angle, the back end wavering from the impact. No one spoke or hardly breathed for a very long minute.
It was the woman behind him who broke the silence. "Why do this?"
"Because… Caius is right." Noel moved like a Cie'th now, shuffling toward the broken drive and laying a hand upon it. His voice was flat; Caius knew the last thing he wanted to know was admit he was right. "This isn't what should be happening. I'll never see Yeul again, and I'll never be with her, but…" His shoulders shook, just once. "She wouldn't want me to do anything else."
Caius stared at him, feeling a tiny weight lift from his shoulders, seeing the boy stand there, accepting his fate and ready to move forward. It crippled him that Yeul could not be there – that was what he had fought for, so long ago, after all, with her final promise being his lone drive – but Noel was strong. He could bear the uncertainty, and he would recover from the grief of his loss.
"I'm sorry, Noel." It was Lightning – he chastised himself in his heart, cursing his thoughts for slipping, but now her name was there, engraved, chained to the woman standing before him, and not easily removed – who spoke this time. "I backed you in a corner. I just… I had to get you to release all your pain."
"I know," he said, back still turned to them.
It was then that a flare of light, like one of the flowers of the deep forest, appeared in the shattered Oracle Drive, surrounded as it was by wisps of whispering darkness. Caius felt the prickle of chaos, but noted a complete lack of hostility. Instead, it seemed to twist and turn, taking shape, and as Noel gasped and took a few steps back, it finally revealed a familiar shape – a girl in a plain outfit of white with long, teal-colored hair, who reached out for the boy and brushed her fingertips on the back of his hand.
Noel choked out her name, mouth falling open.
"You did the right thing, Noel. I know it hurts." She spoke in an impassive voice, eyes soft, but expression tinged with sorrow. Her hand moved again, fingers closing around his, and his mouth moved as though he were trying to speak. "Lightning will help you through this. Please have faith. We will see each other again, once more, before this is over." And she began to fade, her fingers sliding out of his, smiling, but with deep, sorrowful eyes.
He found his voice, reaching for her. "No, please, wait! Not yet!"
But the chaos with the heart of a star winked out of existence and spread out into the ghetto, vanishing. The boy's knees shook, and then he collapsed on them on the dirt. His hands clutched the edge of the small platform where the broken drive still sat, no longer sparking. His shoulders began to shake again. No one said a word; Caius turned away, leaving whatever was to follow to Lightning.
"Her promise will be fulfilled, in time," she said, quietly. "Are you ready to walk out of the shadows now?"
There was a pause. "You're not a machine after all."
"It's true that Bhunivelze cut away my emotions, probably to make a better servant, but as far as I can tell, I'm no machine." Her voice softened as she spoke her next words. "Come on, Noel. I can't watch everything. I need you to keep an eye on Luxerion. No more hiding in the shadows."
"No more hiding." He heard Noel rise to his feet and looked over his shoulder to see him brushing off his clothing as he looked at Lightning. "I know the truth now."
Caius did not miss the way his eyes darted accusingly to his own.
"I can't fight those monsters that come out of the emissions, though." Shivering, he folded his arms and rubbed his hands up and down them. "Those things are really powerful. I'm pretty sure they'd suck the life out of me before I could get very close. There's no way I'm dealing with those."
"Caius is capable of getting rid of those monsters. That's part of the reason he's here with me now."
Noel looked at him again. "Yeul let you out, huh, for that?"
"More or less," he responded.
Noel shrugged one shoulder and looked back at Lightning. "Let's get out of here, then." Turning, he plucked his javelin from the soil and returned it to its sheath. "I'm sick of being surrounded by this. Now all it's gonna do is remind me. Lightning…" Hesitating, he looked at her again. "I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to do this. I'm…" He gritted his teeth. "I'm so ashamed of what I just did, tried to do…"
"Don't worry about it," she said, and tapped him on the shoulder with one fist. "It's not the first time someone I know tried to kill me, and it won't be the last."
Noel began to shake his head, long dark hair flying wildly about with the gesture. "No, you don't understand. You know long I plotted this? I had– ugh!" In a sudden show of fury, he whirled and kicked a pile of rotted trash. It flew apart, some of it hitting the wall with soft splats. "I had nightmares about it, dreams about your blood turning the dirt crimson and holding Yeul even though I– I just– killed you! My hands were all bloody, but she was pure white, and she looked so sad and I kept– I clung to her, I cried, because she'd never–"
His words devolving into a strangled cry, he kicked out again. This time, he collided with rusted can that nearly exploded when he touched it, flying through the air to smash against the wall. The sound of it landed sounded tinny and pathetic in the silence that followed.
Caius repressed a grunt. Lightning, for her part, looked concerned, eyes widening.
"That's not something you just say 'don't worry' about to and move on!" Noel turned on her with raging, grieving eyes, fists shaking where he had tightened them at his sides.
Lightning swiftly regained her composure and placed her hands on her hips. "Noel, stop that."
"I can't," he mumbled, sounding like a child, "it's too much–"
"Noel," she said, firmly, "enough."
The boy stopped going on, jaw slamming shut, and his eyes darted between them. Caius stood immobile, making sure his expression was stern and solid, but inside, he understood, too well. Noel would need time to recover from centuries of plotting for blood, getting drunk off the high of madness, to adjust to the new nightmares that would come now that he had finally seen Yeul, and lost her just as fast.
The three of them left the dankness of the Den of Shadows behind. Caius took up the rear, noting that Noel, despite having obviously shed a great burden, still walked as though weighed down with shame. He sighed at the sight. He had done what he could to free him, from the burden he had carried for so many centuries. It was up to Noel to do the rest, as no one could do it for him. No one could brave the nightmares to come but him.
And then, his thoughts drifted to Lightning.
Lightning. He had never called her that in her presence, not once, and had only voiced her name one time, on the shores of Valhalla, when confronting her sister and Noel. Even in his mind, he had skirted it. Now, though he had yet to speak it, he had forged some sort of filament that tied itself to some spot deep in his heart no one else could see. No longer was she simply "Etro's champion" or "warrior goddess", or "Liberator" as she now was. Titles would continue to leave his mouth, but in his mind, her name was now firmly rooted, and he understood that there was no taking it back, and that presented a small problem.
If he wasn't careful, her name would slip his lips, and that would be the end of it. She was a great warrior, but still human and without the immortality that he had. She could be killed, though she had no doubt had immense power and durability bestowed upon her. And if she died, the world would end and his meager hopes would be crushed.
He sighed again, softly, ending it with a stifled groan.
He would have to protect her now. Lightning was a woman, more than a faceless soldier or warrior selected by some creature more powerful than her, more than the steel wall he had beat vainly against in Valhalla, more than the fierce tempest he had raged against like the flares of the sun. He had hoped that perhaps he could steal away after a few days and bury himself back in the chaos, ignoring the state of the world until the end, but now he saw no way for that to happen. He would be with her for the foreseeable future. He would do his best to keep her alive. This, he had already decided, but now, he felt it, stronger, and familiar.
Like when he had taken his oath of Guardianship millennia ago, when he had sworn to protect Yeul forever, given his life away in service to another for eternity.
But this was different. This had a time limit. He would make the best of these final days, keep her alive, and in the process, he would ease Yeul's burden. He would try to atone for something he could never be forgiven for, and he would do it with what dignity he had intact.
At the end, into the chaos he would go, gracefully, and he would not look back when it was time for them to part.
Sealing those thoughts away, he followed in silence.