A/N: Here's the ninth chapter, after the unexpected muse strike today. I must say two things - first, I concider 2004 to be present time, because that's when the fist chapter of the manga came out, meaning this story takes place in 2012, being 8YL. Second, I made Valentina's opinion about Christian holidays just like mine - since I remember myself, I'm pretty much an atheist, but my family still celebrates Christmas and Easter. Thanks to xXBloodyIllusionXx about the review! As always, reviews are welcomed. I DON'T OWN KATEKYO HITMAN REBORN! AND THE VARIA.

IX: The diet for gaining weight

I swear, Christmas is the weirdest holiday ever, at least for me. My parents were Catholic just like the rest of the family and they tried to raise me that way, but here I am, still being an atheist. But everybody celebrates Christmas, even the non-believers like me, if you're in a Christian country. I'll still get drunk, I'll still smoke some shit and from the generosity of my heart, I'll offer some to my comrades. And I'll still wait for presents and bitch and whine around if I don't receive any, because this is me and my way of celebrating holiday of a religion I never really believed in.

Whatever. This time of the year makes me philosophic and even I don't know why. And I'll stop right now, I promise.

But I had a major problem - first, I didn't have a cent again and second, no one could celebrate with me right now, and with celebration I mean getting too drunk to walk. Dante still hasn't returned, the others were just annoying and Sweetheart… Why the fuck was I even thinking about that? I mean, if the bastard saw me drunk like hell again, my head was totally going to be absent. And Lussy was on mission too, so nobody here to cheer me up a bit.

My depressing thoughts unfortunately didn't change the time and space - it was still 5 am, there was still morning practice today, even if it was two days before Christmas Eve. So I got up from bed with too much effort, taking all of my clothes (meaning stolen oversized shirt and underwear) on the way to the bathroom. I took a nice, long bath, finally washing my hair after two antagonizing days of not washing it. Shaving everywhere took me ten or twenty minutes and when I was finally out, it was already 5 and half.

Still wearing the two towels, I finished my pizza and yes, the pizza is in my room. Why, you ask? Answer is simple - the bastards eat everything they lay their eyes on and the food paid with my money stays in the room. When the spring comes, I'll buy a fridge, really, but it's still the end of December and my room is cold as a fridge, so no need for now.

Brushing my teeth and drying my hair, straightening it on the way, took me another half an hour. I decided to wear a simple white V-neck shirt, so I had to find a white bra and that was a very hard mission, because I had only two and my room was a mess, everything being on the floor and chairs but I succeeded. Putting on the uniform pants and the over-the-knee black leather boots and finding box weapons and rings took ten minutes and here I was, finally ready to go. So I started my journey again.

Pretty me entered the training grounds, walking like a boss. Other bastards just stared at me strangely, but who gives a fuck? Not me. When Capt'n is absent, the floor is a catwalk for me. But fuckers still stared and stared and stared and that annoyed me, so I finally opened my mouth, talking like a boss again.

"What?" Well, that didn't come out as expected because of my sleepiness.

"Did you lose weight, woman?"Alfonso, one of the comrades who always ate my food, said, looking with mild interest at my body.

"Maybe. That happens when YOU bastards steal my pizza!" But others didn't say anything, they just stared at me, mostly at my legs and for the first time, they weren't checking me out. Damn, there must be something wrong.

"And I thought you can't get skinnier. Damn it, woman, start eating, I bet you don't weight more than 45 kilos and with that height…"

"For fuck's sake, I eat every piece of meat and bread I see! Five meals a day and I always eat all the content of the fridge!" But my comrades were pretty skeptical, their face said it all. "Don't you believe me?"

"No." This came out as a chore, all of them actually agreeing on something. Damn, this is a first. All the bastards looked like they were thinking very hard about something, probably about a way to gain weight fast with a fast metabolism. However, their deep thoughts were interrupted by the familiar presence and screaming of Sweetheart.

"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, YOU FUCKING MORONS?! START RUNNING ALREADY BEFORE I FUCKING END YOU!" All started running the standard ten laps, except me.

"Wassuuup, Boss?! I fucking missed you!" Not. If I never see him again, I'll be the happiest person alive, but whatever. I expected a scream, maybe a starting kick on the butt again, but nothing came. He just stared at me, like the others did. Damn it, not again!

"COME HERE, BITCH! NOW, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NOW!" I didn't have a choice, so I started running at his direction. After two minutes of very slow running, I was there. Capt'n didn't say anything, he just grabbed my shoulders, turning me around and damn, that glare was burning my back. Eventually the staring was finally over, so he turned me around again, this time to face him. "How much do you fucking eat?"

"Five huge meals per day, with the bread and everything. Yesterday, I ate a whole pizza. I ordered another and it's already finished. And I only drink coke, alcohol and coffee, no water." Bastard looked like he was thinking really, really hard and I don't have a fucking idea what was in his mind this time. Damn, what's happening with the entire squad? Am I the only one normal here?

"Bitch, dif any darker or lighter spots appeared?"

"No."

"Bleeding beauty marks?"

"No."

"Headaches?"

"No."

"Coughs?"

"Um… No?"

"Lumps?"

"You mean like breast cancer? Damn it, Sweetheart, do you think I have cancer? I don't." Fuck, how did this happen? Why did the nickname I always used slip so easily? Fuck. Bastard was giving me a weird look and I'm pretty sure it was because of that.

"… Sweetheart?"

"Yes, that's how I call you in my mind, Boss. If 'sweetheart' means violent, brutal and screaming bastard, that is."

"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING EYESIGHT, BITCH! START RUNNING! NOW!" And I finally received the very familiar kick, calming me down a bit. Not everything went completely mad and that's good.

After the standard jogging came the real deal - actual fighting for practice. I broke three arms, one leg and seven fingers in total and I had a broken finger and rib myself, so everything was good. Damn, thanks to this huge battle hammer (God that I don't believe in, bless the Avengers, because they are the reason for this!), I make shitload of damage even if I'm not trying hard. One swing is enough and the opponent's head is on the wall in pieces. I'm so good!

There was supposed to be more cardio workout, but none came. Sweetie just stormed out, using the standard 'Go die in a hole!' goodbye, but leaving half an hour earlier wasn't standard. I got up (I fell on my face earlier) and started slowly walking in the direction of one of the few pretty comrades - Francesco. A little taller than Gender Unknown, short black hair, nice tan, dark brown eyes and pretty face - exactly my type. But he, unfortunately, seemed not interested and that was depressing.

"What's up with him?" I asked, not knowing what to expect as an answer.

"The captain of Squad D, Belphegor, has birthday today and there's a desperate need for measures."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean he goes on killing frenzy, chopping people to pieces all day. I heard there was a mission in Prague for him, but it got cancelled. In cases like this, Captain locks him in the basement until his birthday passes." When I heard the last sentence, I started laughing like mad. The image of Sweetie locking Delusional Retard in the basement was so detailed, making me crack up. Damn, this is so unreal!

But Francesco smiled at me and this is the only thing that matters. So I turned on the charm I used with my early drug business, hoping that I'll finally get a chance for some action in bed. I mean, I didn't have any sexual life for months and a pretty dude was everything I needed.

"Now, seriously examine yourself. There must be something wrong if you're losing weight like that."

"I will." And I gave him my most charming smile ever. He smiled back again, giving me nice chills on the back. Damn, isn't this good?

After eating a lot of bread, two stakes and two cups of coffee with lots of sugar, I finally returned to my room to take a bath. After carefully examining every piece of skin, it turned out there was nothing disturbing. No weird lumps too, my beauty marks were perfectly healthy and not bleeding and headaches were only after a lot of drinking. Nothing disturbing, really. I promised myself that I'm going to get some medical checking after Christmas or New Year Eve and proceeded with the bath.

Later that day, when watching a cheap horror movie that made me laugh so hard, the unexpected e-mail from Sweetie came, full with Caps Lock and ways to gain weight and detailed instructions about strength workout. In the end, there was the simple and usual 'Fuck you' and some treats about breaking my spine and fingers if I don't do everything that he said.

Fuck that bastard. Instead of bothering with my weight, why didn't he just proceed with locking Blondie somewhere, maybe in the attic this time? Only the thought made me fall from bed after too much laughing.

P.S. I don't know how the idea about locked up Bel came, but I used it anyways.