~ Finding The Heart ~

Take me seriously

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.

WARNING: MA in next chapter. 16yrs+ readers only please. Adult concepts in this one.

Joker had kept his mouth shut the whole way back to the Normandy. Wonder if Zaeed said something to him..? Something told Shepard that Zaeed was the kind of person who might smile sweetly at somebody who crossed him, wait for their back to be turned, then break the bastard's neck. Certainly this seemed the case if the reaction of the guy that came onto her in the club was anything to go by. The moment he realised that Zaeed was whom she'd come in with, the guy fled with his tail between his legs while Zaeed had done nothing to outwardly threaten him at all - clearly Zaeed had a reputation that terrified.

Regarding Joker's silence... It was possible when one or other of them had taken a trip to the toilet during dinner, that Zaeed had made a call to Joker and gently given him the distinct impression that it would be ill-advised to spoil her mood upon their return to the shuttle. 'Another hard-ass on board, huh? That's great, because I really need more stink-eye coming my way...' – Those had been Joker's words when Zaeed had first come onboard. Joker also seemed to be under the impression that Zaeed was at least as tough as she was, except that he would say Zaeed took cheques and had a lot less reservation about using his skills for personal gain. Yeah, Shepard thought to herself with a disapproving shake of her head; he probably said something. After all she knew firsthand what it was like to stand between Zaeed and something he wanted.

Shepard did not know that Joker had had the shuttle cameras trained and zoomed in on her and Zaeed from the moment they were within range. It hadn't occurred to her that her arm in Zaeed's as she walked, her smiling and laughing, exchanging bashful glances in his direction... was possibly the first time that Jeff had seen her so cheerful since the day Garrus successfully pulled through surgery after taking a rocket to the face. It never occurred to her that this might just be the first time he'd seen her so genuinely happy about anything since before she died more than two years ago.

As such, the thought never occurred to her that this battle-weary pilot was a sentimental fool at heart or that the sight of her so relaxed, so carefree... had nearly brought a tear to his eye, contrasting as strongly as it did against a certain very vivid memory he still had nightmares about. A memory where he had watched the Normandy SR explode in a ball of flames knowing that she had still been on it and worse than that: knowing that she was still on it because she'd made sure that he wasn't – that he got to an escape pod. He never forgave himself for being the reason she delayed getting off the ship, for being the person she had gone back to save, the one who had cost her her life.

Not knowing these things, it hadn't occurred to Shepard that the moment he beheld her giggling and grinning like an idiot was the moment that Joker had felt a great weight lifting from his shoulders... So, ultimately, it would never have occurred to her that - regardless of the company she was keeping at the time - seeing her so at ease had been a moment Joker would not have spoiled for anything in the galaxy. That was his little secret, and he had every intention of keeping it that way.

In the back of the shuttle, huddled up for warmth to the man whose jacket she wore about her shoulders, Shepard had moved onto musing over Zaeed's charismatic charm and attention to detail. She could see why Miranda had previously found this sort of care and conscientiousness so loyalty-inspiring about Illusive Man. It was all the little things – the details he'd think of so she didn't have to that suggested he could be somebody who really knew her. With The Illusive Man it was anything to keep her onside – that had been his play – but Zaeed had proven himself far better at that than The Illusive Man had, and he'd done a far better job of it. Being pampered once in a while isn't so bad.

Stepping out of the shuttle she was met with familiar smells and a slightly warmer temperature – change enough for her to note she was still wearing his jacket and to remove it. He took it back with a smile and put it back on. Unsurprisingly she and Zaeed were the first ones back onboard, and the ship was particularly quiet. They made their way out of the hangar deck alone and unwatched (well... save EDI of course and presumably Joker, via EDI).

Walking into the lift, Shepard realised she was slowly getting used to moving around in this contraption of a satin garment. She was even almost managing to walk gracefully in it instead of with her usual 'soldier's swagger'. She still wasn't sure she'd ever really want to wear it again in public, but it had certainly been a novel experience. Zaeed tapped the destination for the lift as she leaned against him, her mind preoccupied with thoughts of the evening. Her arm firmly locked into his, the doors closed and the lift began its ascent.

The doors opened half a minute later - too fast to be her quarters... no it was engineering deck – and Shepard was a little surprised. Zaeed nodded his head and patted her hand as he gently disentangled her arm from his:

"Thank you for giving me the pleasure of your company this evening."

She let go, puzzling over what his next move would be. As he turned towards her she nodded back: "Zaeed I had no idea you could be such a gentleman." She was doubly surprised that it looked like he actually intended to leave it at that. After everything that had transpired: The flowers, the dress, the dinner, the song... He's got to be expecting a return. There's always a catch... always a catch...

"Oh ho!" He laughed mockingly, then winked and bowed, holding the doors open in the process: "Indeed... Well... only when a lady is present."

"I wouldn't exactly call myself a lady Zaeed." Shepard raised an eyebrow, pulling a sour face as she then leaned against the side of the lift with folded arms.

"Maybe not." He shrugged, then tipped his hat to her: "But you are one nonetheless." He smiled with wisdom and arrogance. Shepard retained her scepticism when he added: "And tonight, you were my lady, which makes you doubly worthy of the effort..." But with that he turned to go, his knee-length black Neru jacket swirling as he did so.

Huh?

In an instant Shepard realised that he really was not going to stay in the lift with her up to her quarters as she'd expected, nor was he expecting her to follow him. A gentleman he may have behaved this evening, but he certainly wasn't one on any other day. Well, except for his occasional "After you" on the battlefield when she was barking orders sometimes, but she was pretty sure that was more humour than politeness: 'After you. Whole lot of hell could be waiting ahead and you're the one that wants to walk into it.' He was behaving very strangely, and she couldn't help but think it was all carefully measured and planned toward some end he had in mind.

She joked as he stepped out of the lift, imagining she'd just figured out what that 'end' might be: "Aren't you expecting me to be completely swept off my feet by all of this? I rather assumed you'd be expecting something more than an early night." she tried to play his game with a dirty smile and a seductive tone. She was ready to roll her eyes at his answer with amusement. Ready to have him come storming back with some smart-ass answer, pin her to the lift wall, punch the button to her quarters and give her the proper kiss she'd been waiting for. Silly old-fashioned so-and-so. All he has to do is ask... I don't mess around. Is this his way of trying to get me to chase him? Hah!

He stopped dead still for a moment with his back turned: "No."

He sighed, and shook his head as he turned around again to face her. Seeing his expression, Shepard instantly realised she'd just put her foot in something smelly... and it might just as well have been her mouth for the words she'd used. Tact... There should be a Cerberus upgrade for that. Heaven knows I need one...

For just a moment hurt and confusion were written across his face – she felt it in her stomach, remembering what he'd been through that had landed them in this burgeoning relationship. She cursed herself: He's actually fragile right now you idiot! Things have happened to him – painful things – that's how all this got started, remember?!

He quickly covered it up with a confident, wizened smile and added with a wink as he spoke, softly: "No I expect you to take me seriously. But I get the impression it'll take a bit more time and effort before you can do that, so... I thought I'd leave it at that for tonight."

With that he turned and stepped out of the lift, leaving Shepard with a knot in her stomach and a frog in her throat. She had doubted what he'd said he wanted... what he'd said back there in the club, back when they were dancing. Of course she had. Why wouldn't she?! She found it hard to believe that the Zaeed she'd known before a week ago would ever say such things and mean them... Hell she'd have been suspicious of anybody doing what he'd done this evening for the same reasons. Besides... The guy tried to gain access to security footage of Miranda's ass in the shower not three weeks ago for crying out loud! Drunk or not, that's no gentleman! But maybe this wasn't all just to swoon her.

The guy has a point you know... Why don't you start taking him seriously? You can't pretend you don't want the same.

"Zaeed." She commanded – not entirely meaning to use that tone of voice although she was grateful when it did the job. He stopped as she stepped a satin-slippered foot halfway out of the lift. Realising that this exposed her leg through the high-split dress, she shifted her weight to avoid it looking like she was just trying to seduce him. She'd caught him halfway down the corridor when she yelled. He stopped, planted his cane on the deck but did not turn around, only half turning his head to his shoulder.

"I will..." She managed, although it choked her to admit out loud that she'd misjudged him. Slowly he turned around. He wore that beaten expression he'd had the morning she found him on the floor with that bottle of whiskey – a mix of despair and direst hope. She felt all the more guilty then.

Taking a deep breath she added: "I do take you seriously."

Slowly he walked back, with the clink of the cane at his side as it touched the deck plates. He stood facing her then – watching her, assessing her – expressionless but for a weariness that told on its own the many times, over many years, that he'd been let down in one way or another by just about anyone to whom he'd held out his hand... for friendship or otherwise. She knew what he deserved to hear, what she should say. Nonetheless uncomfortable with the idea of a public spectacle – even with nobody around – she forcibly pulled him into the lift and banged the control for the doors to close.

"Hey?!" He exclaimed with a mix of indignation and surprise as the doors closed – not used to experiencing her unreserved Cerberus-upgraded muscle-power first hand. She'd thrown him a punch on Zorya but actually hadn't hit him anywhere near as hard as she could have. He probably never realised just how much she had restrained her strength at the time. She let him go and he brushed his suit into order. She gave him a moment to do that before she rolled her eyes, sucked in her cheeks and poked him squarely in the chest (she was done playing 'lady').

"Look," – another poke because he was still frowning and didn't flinch the first time. "Everywhere I go people are trying to buy me." She stared hard into his eyes, closer than she would hold a normal conversation. "I woke up in a Cerberus base: Cerberus being an organisation who – so experience has taught me – is not to be trusted when it comes to ethics. They tell me I've been dead for two years and that I've been 'rebuilt' - whatever the hell that means. Not out of the goodness of the Illusive Man's shrunken little black and twisted heart of course. No: it's to solve one of their problems, albeit something that turned out to be everyone's problem – but a problem thus they knew I'd care about and happily dive into head first."

She leaned back against the lift wall and folded her arms, returning the comfortable distance between them that she'd normally maintain in a serious discussion.

"This ship came with a price-tag." She gestured with a sweep of her wrist, "My life came with a price-tag. Even Joker and the doctor. They wouldn't have been here if Cerberus hadn't manoeuvred them here, sowed the seeds for them to join knowing that getting me to do their dirty work was what they were building up to." She scowled:

"Archangel turned out to be Garrus and that threw a spanner in the Illusive Man's plans, but other than that? Other than that everything I touched came with a condition... An un-written debt and a big 'on loan' sign hanging above it – including, if you remember: you." That got his attention – a subtle twitch of his eye-lids. "With the exception of Garrus and Tali, I've been surgically removed from everyone I've ever felt close to."

"I'm not trying to buy you Shepard." Zaeed objected, shaking his head with insult painted across his face as he frowned, folding his arms leaning back against the lift wall. He meanwhile noted silently to himself that the lift was being very obliging by not asking either of them if there was a destination they wanted to choose, or if there was a reason they were just stopping on this level with the doors closed.

"Yes I know that – now." Shepard unfolded her arms and stood up straight. "Or at least I'm beginning to understand that." She shrugged and her arms fell to her sides and she tried real hard not to let her hands curl into fists.

"Tell me you never seriously thought that the Illusive Man would have put me here to seduce you back into being put back on his leash..?!" He laughed, but it was a dark laugh, born of feeling like his intelligence had just been insulted.

She humoured him with an embarrassed laugh to salve his feelings: "No." She shook her head. "Annoy me? Yes. Shoot me if I didn't play ball? Maybe. Seduce me? ... Actually I can't think of a worse nightmare for him than you and I pairing up. You don't seem to be his biggest fan."

"We've crossed paths... to the tune of fifty or so of his agents." He shrugged. "Also the bastard cut me loose after you refused to hand over the Collector Base, so we're not exactly on good business terms either."

"Really?" Shepard raised both eyebrows. "I hadn't heard that." ...And suddenly felt rather guilty. All this time, she thought the Illusive Man was still paying him to be her personal pain in the ass.

"Because it's not common knowledge." A slight frown.

"So all the time since then you've still been here because..." Shepard looked at him suddenly surprised and confused.

"...I chose to be. Looked like you needed all the help you could get and I'm not exactly hurting for money. Shit maybe all those goddamn speeches you've given me and the crew made me believe for half a second that my life might have some meaning if I stuck around you for awhile. Hell if I know why I did it. Boredom's as good a reason as any." Expressions turned sober again, and there was an awkward silence for a moment whilst neither knew exactly what the other expected them to say. Finally Zaeed let out a huge sigh and shook his head as he brought them back to what started the argument:

"Look I just wanted to do something properly – for once in my goddamn life." He clamped his jaw shut and the muscles flexed. Shepard could see there was something as yet still fragile hidden behind the bluster, and those words told her more about him than a thousand of his stories. She remembered the Shadow Broker file she'd read about him after helping Liara and then she remembered his retirement plans... Reading between the lines of what was written she realised they spoke of a proud man but a lonely one, coming to terms with the prospect that he'd had his time and that was that. Somebody who was close to thinking that ending their life was about all there was left to do with it.

"I'm sorry." Shepard managed, although it wasn't easy.

He sighed, unfolded his arms and thudded his shoulder into the lift wall as he stared at it. "I guess I understand how this all might look, given what you've just told me." He shrugged. "I'm sorry, too. I uh..." He rubbed the back of his neck and smirked – still not looking at her but for a furtive glance, "Guess maybe I shouldn't try so hard." He laughed, but she was pretty sure he probably meant that, and she didn't want him to withdraw again. Although disconcerting at first, she had rather liked the fact that he'd put in so much effort.

"I guess I'll have to try harder to take things at face-value." Shepard half-smiled, and leaned her back flat against the wall, feeling more relaxed again.

"Oh God I hope not!" Zaeed frowned and shook his head, pushing himself off from the wall as he gestured: "Least not my face-value..." with mock anger and a grin pulling at the edges. It didn't seem right to laugh at such a joke. Shepard tried instead just to smile and roll her eyes as she hit the button to take the lift to her quarters.

Does his appearance bother him and that's why he jokes about it? She pondered, Is it his way of getting over it? Or is it his way of showing that it actually doesn't bother him in the slightest and he's quite pleased with his scars? All those thoughts were followed by one more after a pause: Why is this guy so hard to figure out..?!

"C'mon that's gotta be worth half a laugh." He pressed, taking just half a step closer – back within the distance she'd learn to interpret as his being comfortable with somebody. He was relaxing too, then. That was no small relief.

Shepard gave in and laughed a little laugh for him, tongue-in-cheek before commenting through half-lidded eyes after a sigh of her own: "I thought you said I should always bet on the dumb-looking ugly dog anyway because they're the ones who always fight harder?"

Zaeed winced and shook his head, "I said... if you gotta choose, pick the dumb-looking ugly one. If he looks dumb but isn't... He's a much better bet." Another step closer – closer than the distance he'd ever have kept a week ago. "Ugly just means you'll have higher winnings because there won't be as many people betting on that one. People always bet on the pretty one." He shrugged and leaned against the wall of the lift next to her.

The lift door opened and Shepard smiled at him slyly as she pushed off the wall and stepped around him to walk through it. She didn't hear his footsteps follow so, with just a touch of Commander Shepard, she added over her shoulder: "You coming?" She didn't say it seductively, she didn't say it as a direct command either. She just said it as she would to a friend, to let them know that they were welcome – a tone she seldom used these days.

He paused, trying to judge the invitation. Hesitating, he held the lift door open with a clenched fist and stabbed a guess at what he was being invited in for. "Only if that's what you want." Another nonchalant look and a shrug.

"A smart dog would know that a lady doesn't ask for things she doesn't want." Shepard smiled gently and felt a flush of heat come over her as she laid it out for him in that way. "But you're equally welcome just to come in for another coffee – or tea – if you'd like." She actually didn't mind where things went from here if he did follow her in, she just wanted him to know that it was trust she was offering. She turned and walked away.

"Fair point." He acknowledged and smirked, tipping his hat to her as he stepped out of the lift to follow at her heels.