The Real Dean Portman

"I'm sorry I lost it earlier. I've been told I have some anger issues before."

I heard a muffled snort from behind the hands that cradled Lane's head. I decided to lay it all out.

"Look, I don't talk about our family with anyone. I try to protect Bryn from as much as I can, and I didn't even tell my best friend Fulton that you existed until I knew you were coming to Minneapolis. I don't get along with Shawn, I have nightmares about Shane, so I'm really serious when I say I don't talk about it."

"And me? Where do I fit?"

"I don't know." I rested my elbows on the table and put my head down on my hands. "There's a part of me that's five again and wants to trust you, but life has told me not to trust anyone."

"Why don't you just tell me what happened after I left? I don't know much, but it can only help if you talk about it."

"That's what social workers always say. But why would some stranger want to hear about this stuff?"

"Well, I'm not a stranger, not exactly anyway. And I do want to know. Why don't you just start from the beginning and tell me?"

Lane reached out and touched my arm. The touch startled me, yet seemed so comforting. It reminded me of how I used to comfort Bryn after a nightmare.

I launched into the tale.

"Not long after you left, we were moved to this new foster home…"

Flashback-Nine years old

"But how will Lane find us?" Bryn asked.

"He's not going to. He's gone. Just forget about him," Shawn said.

Bryn looked ready to cry.

"Stop it Shawn. Don't say that," Shane reprimanded. He knelt to Bryn's level. "And there is no need for you to cry. We'll see Lane again someday. It might be a while, but we will."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I promise."

I hadn't said anything, but I really hoped Shane was right.

***Eleven years old***

It only took a couple months for Shawn to start sneaking off. I knew he was trying to get into a gang and leave us, but Shawn reassured me that wasn't true.

"How do you know? He's going to leave us like Lane did," I asked.

"No, he won't leave like Lane did. And Lane didn't have a choice in leaving us. You know how it works. Parents come and see a kid they like and take them. We don't get a choice in it," Shane explained.

"But Shawn shouldn't be sneaking off at night."

"That's true. And don't you get any ideas. If I catch you sneaking off, I will tie you and toss you into the closet until Bryn's aged out of the system."

"Well why don't you do that to Shawn?"

"Don't think I won't. He's just older than you, so I've let him get away with stuff. But don't think I'm not tired of this."

"You should keep him here like you keep me and Bryn."

"You're right. You stay smart Dean, OK? Don't be stupid like our brother."

"Oh I won't."

A couple nights later, Shawn was once again sneaking out of the house.

I watched as Shane got up to follow him. He hadn't mentioned following anybody to me, so he might need some help. I followed them. It wasn't sneaking off if I just followed my brothers.

Pretty soon I realized Shane knew I was behind him. Eventually he ducked behind a dumpster.

"Dean, what are you doing?"

"I'm your backup," I said as I came up behind him.

"You need to go back. You should be sleeping like Bryn."

"So should you."

Shawn was standing in the middle of the alley, looking like he was waiting for someone.

Shane turned to me. "You really do need to go back."

"Not until you come too." He rolled his eyes.

A car pulled up in front of Shawn and a creepy-looking guy got out. Shane pushed me behind him so I couldn't see what was happening. Then it sounded like whoever was out there was arguing with Shawn.

Shane closed his eyes, trying to figure out what to do.

"Dean, Dean. You shouldn't be here Dean," Shane whispered half to himself. He turned to me and looked resolved. "Go back now," he ordered. "Bryn needs you. Go back, Dean."

I remained hidden as Shane then went towards the drug deal. I could hear more shouting, though I couldn't quite make out what they were saying.

Then a gunshot rang out. My eyes widened as the car sped away and Shawn ran the other direction.

I began to run towards Shane. "Dean, run before they get you."

"I can't leave you here. And they all left now."

"You can leave me, Dean, you must." I finally reached him. I looked down to see blood pouring from his chest. "I'm not going to make it, Dean. You take care of yourself now."

"No Shane, you're going to be alright." I fell to the ground and placed my hand over the bullet hole, trying to stop the bleeding.

When the cops finally got there, my brother was dead. I told the cops I found him shot. It's not like I saw much from behind the dumpster.

Months went by, and I became more and more withdrawn. Shawn had disappeared. Bryn was the only person I would talk to, and I never told her how I heard everything.

Social workers tried to get me to open up. They even took me to some shrinks. None of it helped.

Eventually we were in a foster home where the man played hockey. In what seemed like another life, Lane had taught me to skate. I gave hockey a try.

I went from depressed to angry because I suddenly had an outlet. I became quite the terror of the Chicago peewee hockey leagues. I began to open back up.

After a game, the coach called me over to the bench.

"Portman, someone is here to talk to you," he said. "This is Mr. Tibbles…"

"…I went off to L.A., Shawn continued to be in and out of prison and now Bryn and I are here," I finished.

Lane had looked attentive the whole time I talked. I couldn't believe how easy the whole story came out. I had no idea on how he would react to all of it.

"I'm proud of you, Dean," he said, much to my surprise.

"What?"

"I mean, you went through a lot, more than I ever imagined, and yet here you are, playing a sport you're really good at and taking care of Bryn. You could have given in to pressures or left Bryn…" Was he insane? He edited, "You could have, but didn't. Even if the thought hadn't crossed your mind, it would have others, but you didn't let it. What I'm trying to say is, it sounds like you've done an exceptional job with yourself. I always sort of imagined you staying a kid, but you're not. And if you'll let me, I'd like to get to know this man you've become."

That was totally unexpected. I didn't know what to say. As much as I was the cynical one to Bryn's eternal optimism, I could admit to dreaming about a day like this. Here I was with one of my older brothers telling me I had done alright. It was unbelievable.

But then again, there is always a technical side. It's like hockey, it doesn't matter how well you can aim the puck, if you can't ever get to the goal itself. It's why I had to go and hit people.

"What about Wisconsin? That's where you live right?"

"Yeah, but I'm thinking of moving here, if I'd be welcome. I can transfer to a school here, and maybe even get a place here in Minnesota. Or at least that is what I would like. But if you and Bryn would rather I leave, I will."

"No," I said quickly. I had never really been mad that Lane had left (more that Bryn and I couldn't leave with him) and definitely didn't want him to leave now. "I want to get to know you too. I just… I want to make sure you aren't just doing this because we would want it."

"No, this is what I was hoping would happen. Do you think Bryn would be up for it?"

"She'll be thrilled. But what about your adoptive parents? Didn't you say they didn't want you contacting us? I don't want to come between you and them?"

He sighed. "It's different now that I'm an adult. We get along well enough, and they now understand my desire to find you all. They'll be happy as long as I'm finishing my degree somewhere."

I realized then that I had dominated our conversation. I hadn't really found out anything about him.

"What are you studying?"
"I've been studying business." As he said it, I remembered Coach Bombay mentioning that. "I think your coach wants me to help with this skate shop. He said he owns it or is in charge of it or something. It was a little confusing and he seemed to be assuming a whole lot for someone I just met. I don't even have a degree yet and really don't know a whole lot about hockey."

I snorted. "Yeah, he's like that. He doesn't accept no for answer and sort of thinks he should get his way."

"But you seem to have some influence. I was thinking I'd see you and Bryn, but you managed to leave her out."

"I can be very stubborn. It was this or nothing. In all honesty, if you had ended up like Shawn, I'd have come up with some reason for you to leave and not told Bryn anything about it."

"I can respect that. But how would you, hypothetically get rid of me? Nothing that would get you arrested, I hope."

"No, of course not, I'm not a criminal. But you should know one reason I get along with the Ducks so well is that we enjoy a good prank. Between all of us, we would have come up with something."

"Oh, that sounds… nice. Will pranks be something I can look forward to in the future?"

"Probably, you do have a sense of humor, don't you? If not, we may have to negate this deal."

"Oh, I'll be fine. I've participated in many prank wars at college, some of which I surprisingly didn't start but definitely finished."

We both laughed. I was becoming more confident as we talked that this might just work.

Eventually I mentioned being hungry, and we went back into the store to see what was planned for dinner. Coach Bombay definitely knew better than to set up meetings involving Ducks without food.

"Oh look, they live," Jesse said between bites. A couple pizza boxes were spread across the counter, and everyone was digging in.

"You won't if you keep making comments like that."

"Oh, you know you'll miss me when you're back at that cake-eater school."

"He wouldn't have to…" Adam started.

Jesse's attention went back to his best friend. "Not you too. We'll talk about that later. Tonight is about Portman's long-lost family."

And he was right, so I ignored whatever Adam was hinting at, grabbed a slice of pizza and asked Lane what his favorite kind is.