Name: ABSOLUTION

Author: Sdfreeze

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

This story was last published on 6/20/10.

There are 24 chapters in this story.

This is the link for the TWILIGHTED forum for THE CUBE story.

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All Sdfreeze story discussions should take place in THE CUBE discussion forum, to keep them together.

Chapter: 11

EDWARD

I became lost in my work and Tanya became lost in wedding plans. I tried to be mature about the whole thing, pointing out I would end up hurting Bella in the long run and Jake would be a better solution for her.

I had Japer and Emmett over to watch a game one Sunday and they finally brought it up to me.

"I can't believe you and Tanya are actually getting married," Emmett said as he handed me another beer.

"She's been good to me," I said and continued staring at the television.

"Do you love her?" Jasper asked me.

I only shrugged and took a long sip of my beer.

"Hey, dickless, I asked you a question," Jasper said loudly.

"Yes, I love her, as much as I am capable of love," I spit at him.

"You think you are incapable of love?" Emmett asked me with worried eyes.

"Come on, Emmett, you know my reputation. I've never been loyal and I'm going to change it."

"Maybe you were never loyal because you haven't found the right woman. Hell, I cheated all the time until I found Rosalie," he said with a big laughed.

"You don't cheat on Rose because she would castrate you," I pointed out.

"Yeah, that too, but I love her, and the thought of losing her makes me feel like I took a punch in the gut. Does Tanya make you feel that way?"

Instead of answering I looked at the ground. I knew I didn't love Tanya, and agreed to marry her just to stop myself from hurting Bella. I didn't know if I could be loyal, and my fear of hurting her drove me away. Jasper kicked my foot with his and I looked up at him.

"If I spent my life with someone other than Alice, I would have to shut down all of my emotions just to make it through each day, is that what you are doing, Edward?" he asked me in a soft voice that was Jasper's style.

"Name one bad thing about Tanya," I challenged them.

"She doesn't have to be bad for you not be in love with her. Tanya is bright and beautiful, and we all love her like family, but if you are not passionate about her, the marriage won't last. It would be better to hurt her now, than hurt her more, later," Jasper said as he stared at my face.

I took a drink of my beer and looked back at the television. I already lost the one love of my life. I willingly let another man have her just to spare her pain. I had not committed to one thing in my entire life and I was determined to make Tanya happy if it killed me.

I knew someone called my mother, either Emmett, or Alice after speaking to Jasper. At ten-thirty that very night she called my cell phone.

"Hi mom," I said as I left the room. Tanya rolled over and didn't seem concerned about a late night call.

"Edward, can I have lunch with you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Who called and what did they say to worry you?" I asked with an exasperated sigh.

"I can't have lunch with my baby?" she asked and I felt the sting of her words. I was trying desperately to no longer be a baby, but nobody was taking me seriously.

"I don't know, will Rose let you take Corbin to lunch?" I said sarcastically.

"Oh dear," she said quickly, "It's worse than I thought."

"What is?"

"Meet me at the wharf, we'll get some fish and talk while we take a walk," she suggested.

"Fine, around noon?" I asked.

"Goodnight son," she offered and I simply hung up. I was tempted to call Emmett and Jasper and give them hell for upsetting my mother. But I decided I could prove my maturity more successfully by showing up the next day and convincing her of my decision.

I got back in bed and Tanya snuggled up next to me and kissed my chest a couple of times. I felt numb, but I forced myself to respond and ignored the fact that when I closed my eyes it was Bella body I imagined.

I showed up the next day, dressed in slacks, and dress shirt, and tie. My mother smiled as I walked towards her and whispered in my ear as I hugged her, "You are so handsome, son."

"Thank you, now are you going to start ripping me?" I laughed.

"I didn't bring you here to yell at you," she pointed out, but I somehow doubted it.

I held out my arm for her and she took it with a smile. We walked toward as small wooded shack and purchased some fish and chips and began strolling down the wide walkway, as the seagulls complained loudly.

"How are the wedding plans coming along?" she asked.

"You need to speak to Tanya about that, I'm just told when to show up."

"When I met your father, I had my wedding all planned. I spent years coming up with the perfect wedding, and all I needed was the groom. He was in medical school and time was very limited. My summer wedding turned into a Christmas break wedding and my pastel colors became deep red and gold."

"And the wedding doesn't matter if you have the right person by your side, was that the moral of the story?" I asked as I glanced sideways at her.

"Not at all, I'm still pissed about it," she said and we both laughed loudly.

I truly loved my mother. She was beautiful and graceful and such a wonderful mom. She didn't deserve the womanizing, disrespectful sons she ended up with. A rush of memories filled me and I wanted to apologize for so many things.

"Mom, remember when the netting off your ball gown went missing, right before the hospital gala?"

"Yes," she said hesitantly.

"Emmett and I needed some packing for our rocket. It had to be light weight and burn quickly. We used the netting and it flew so high we lost the rocket, so we actually punished ourselves," I added to soften her anger.

"Alice told me," she laughed and I looked at her in shock.

"Come to think of it, Alice suggested we use the netting," I said thinking back.

"She hated the dress. It was her way of forcing me into another one. She actually cut the dress up and made her own prom gown out of it," my mother admitted.

"I've carried that guilt for nothing?" I asked.

"It seems to be a habit of yours," she said and continued walking when I stopped.

I watched her for a few moments and then jogged to catch up. "Clever," I said and she only smiled at me.

"Edward, do you really think I am unaware of the things my children do? I know Emmett cheated on his finals to remain on the football team. I was the one who suggested the school force him to take summer school. I knew Alice began sleeping with Jasper and I was the one who took her to the doctor and got her on birth control. I also knew about your reputation in college, and I knew one day your heart would find love and you would learn sex is empty without it."

"My guilt is a lot deeper than childhood antics and a massive sexual appetite," I said and she laughed at me.

"Massive, oh please, your generation did not invent sex."

"Mother, are you admitting to being a lose woman in school?"

"There are many women who owe me for training their husbands how to effectively stimulate breasts," she said and I looked at her in shock.

I looked up at the sky and pleaded, "God, strike me deaf, please."

She laughed and nudged me with her shoulder. "That's another thing, why don't you come to church anymore?"

All the joking left me and I felt my mouth turn dry. We walked in silence for a moment and I finally said, "He gave me a gift, and I turned it down."

"Who?"

"God, I begged him to return her to me, he did and I just…." My tears began falling down my face and she stopped to wipe them with her napkin.

"Did you tell him why you turned it down?" she asked softly and I only shook my head back and forth.

"Will you tell me?"

I thought really hard about exactly why I let Tanya talk me into staying and finally whispered, "Fear, I was so afraid of hurting her, or losing her, or disappointing her. God let her down, there was no way I could make her happy if he couldn't."

She nodded and then took my arm to begin walking again. "When Emmett was three he was watching cartoons with a sucker in his mouth. I was working on some sewing and I felt him kick me with his foot. I quickly told him to stop kicking mommy, but he continued. I finally turned to yell at him and saw he was choking on the sucker. The round end was lodged in his throat and I began doing the Heimlich. It seemed like it took forever to get it out of his throat and I was terrified to let him have anything dangerous to eat. I hovered over him, and would only feed him if Carlisle was around so he could save him."

"He still eats like a pig," I said and she laughed.

"And he has choked several more times," she added. "Of course you will disappoint this girl, and of course you will hurt her, you are human, Edward. But when you love someone you try your hardest not to cause them pain, and they forgive you when it happens."

"I'm trying not to cause Tanya pain," I said as I looked out at the expansive Peugeot Sound.

"I have another story," she said and I laughed. "Alice is a bit hyper…"

"A bit?"

"Well, very hyper, and I decided to take her off of all sugar. I thought I was doing the best thing for her and she would cry, but I would comfort myself by saying I was being a responsible mother. I actually took her away on vacation one year so she couldn't go trick or treating. Anyway, I took her in for a check up and my pediatrician yelled at me. He told me Alice was a very active child and sugar was a necessary energy source for children. He said candy was different from natural sugars and there was nothing wrong with nutritious treats. I thought I was helping her, but I wasn't."

I felt more tears fall and I let my head drop as I admitted something to my mother, "When I make love to her, I imagine Bella in my head."

"There is a man out there who would love her without imagining another woman," she said to plunge the knife in more.

"I feel so incompetent, mother. I have nothing. If I leave Tanya I have to move home. The only possession I have is a leased car. I ran off and left Tanya with my debts, and she willingly paid them," I said with a disgusted tone.

"Son, let me put that to rest right this moment. Your father paid your debts, not Tanya."

I stared at her with shock; I wasn't sure which was worse; the girl I walked out on paying my way or my father, who I constantly disappointed. I felt sick and had to walk to a bench and sit down. I put my head in my hands and thought about Lulu. She was held back in every way, but she learned English, she walked with a stick to make up for her leg, and she strengthened my soul while I was there.

"I want to pay you back," I offered and she put her arm around me.

"Edward, we are so proud of you. You went to Uganda; do you have any idea who much we admire you?"

"I ran away to hide," I said with contempt for myself.

"The world is a big place. You could have hidden anywhere, on some romantic Island, in some exciting city, but you went to Uganda, Edward, lighten up on yourself."

I tuned my head to look at my mother and she smiled at me. I tried to picture Tanya having a conversation with our son years from now, and I couldn't even imagine it. I took a deep breath and asked for some advice.

"What do you think I should do?"

"I think you need to stop worrying about disappointing us. You can come home anytime, your room will always be there for you, just as Emmett's and Alice's are. You need to make God and ally and not your nemesis. And then you need to decide if Tanya is the woman you want to spend your life with."

I nodded and took a deep breath. "One last thing," she said and I glanced at her. "On Saturday night I'm having a family dinner, a surprise for your father. I would like it to just be immediate family, not even Jasper and Rosalie will be there. Will you come?"

"Sure, what's it for?"

"You'll find out on Saturday," she said with a coy smile.

"Oh God, you're not pregnant are you?" I said with a laugh.

She smacked my arm and stood to walk me back to my car. I hugged her tightly and whispered, "I have the best mother in the world."

"You and Emmett owe me a ball gown," she said back with a gentle laugh.

"I love you," I said earnestly.

"I love you, too, son."

I watched her walk to her car and yelled, "Mom, where Saturday night and what time?"

"Sky City, eight o'clock," she called back to me.

"The space needle?" I asked with a laugh and she nodded before climbing into her car and driving away.

I made one more stop before heading back to the city clinic where I worked. I walked into a church, not even sure of the denomination. I was met by an elderly man in a suit. "May I help you?" he asked.

"I need to have a chat with God," I said and he smiled as he stepped aside and let me enter the chapel area.

I looked at the beautiful stained glass windows and finally closed my eyes and smiled, "Truce," I whispered, "You win; I'll put all my trust in you. I'm weak and selfish and I desire to finally do the right thing. Lead my footsteps, guide my decisions, and help me be a better man."

Surrogate a/n...would love to hear what you thought of this story. Reviews are love...and I'm sure that Sandi would like to see some!