HR

Author's Note: Hello it's lovely to see you all again you sexy beasts. Can you tell I've spent the last 8 months working in an office? Is it obvious? I may be a tad rusty but I hope you enjoy! :)

August 8th 1983

The room was deathly silent and all present could sense the thick, pervading atmosphere of dread hanging in the air. All assembled Umbrella staff looked forlornly at one another before tilting their heads towards the two head researchers, Albert Wesker and William Birkin, and hoping beyond hope that they could save them.

In the end it was Wesker who spoke "But why though sir?"

Spencer said nothing initially but merely arched a thin eyebrow at his subordinate but the stern look on the blond's face told him that this was not something he was willing to drop so easily.

The old man sighed, "Because I have said so."

Birkin interjected next in a high-pitched fashion, like a child being forced to do chores,

"But we're biochemically engineering living weapons and genetic-altering viruses, why the hell do we have to have an HR workshop?"

A few nervous murmurs of agreement rippled through the office before being silenced by a single gesture from the seated Umbrella CEO, "To the world we are merely a pharmaceutical company. Pharmaceutical companies do not create bio-weapons and pharmaceutical companies do not undertake living experiments. Do you know what pharmaceutical companies do in fact partake in?"

"HR workshops." Came the dull monotone reply.

"Precisely. This is merely an exercise to keep up appearances, you will be detained for no more than an hour whilst an entirely too earnest young woman tries to instil basic human decency in you. Smile, nod and do not embarrass me, yourselves or Umbrella. Is that clear?"

Another limp response dribbled from the lips of all those present besides the two head researchers, one of whom was quietly muttering curse words under his breath as he raked his hands through his mousy hair and the other who was merely standing impassively trying a mask a derisive sneer.

Spencer steepled his fingers and subtly leaned forwards "Dr Birkin?"

Will jumped and cut himself off mid-flow, "Sorry sir, it's just a bit... pointless?"

"Absolutely Dr Birkin, welcome to your life in Personnel. As the joint head of a large team of people extra attention will be paid to you, please try and be less... yourself."

Wesker snorted with faint amusement, causing the ageing director to snap his attention towards him, "Albert."

The use of his hated first name caused the tall blond's stoic mask to re-assume it's standard position, "Sir?"

"That applies doubly to you. No coercion, no intimidation, try and smile if it doesn't kill you. And for the love of God don't bring your bloody handgun in with you! This is no idle game, this is the front we are putting up to the world and if you cause it to come tumbling down then there will be hell to pay, do you understand?" Wesker nodded bitterly, lips a tight, thin line, "Birkin? Do. You. Understand?"

The shorter head researcher raised his arms in mock surrender "Absolutely sir. I'll be a model employee."

Spencer rolled his eyes but waved a hand to dismiss all present, "It will begin upstairs in half an hour. You will all be there."

As they filed out Birkin edged towards his colleague, "How are you going to play this Al?"

"I'm going to be a dangerous sociopath."

Birkin smiled broadly at his friend being on the same page,"Wow, so same as usual then huh?"

Wesker remained blank, "And yourself?"

"I'm going to be an overly excitable ADD child."

"So same as usual then Will?"

"Shut your mouth."

30 minutes later

Now the atmosphere amongst the Umbrella researchers was not one of quiet dread but instead cold apathy. Many of them resolved to play along and get out of there as soon as it finished. The head researchers on the other hand had decided to make things as difficult as possible for the irritating woman running this unnecessary distraction from important work.

They were united in their desire to inconvenience others and be obtuse.

A petite woman with straight blond hair entered the room with a large smile and sat down on an empty chair which was one of many the Umbrella employees were seated in.

She turned towards all assembled in the room and flashed her smile towards each individual, as though she had just read a book called "How to Make an Entire Room of Pissed-Off Scientists Instantly Hate You"

When she finally spoke her voice was soft and calm and her words were carefully chosen and designed to cause minimum offence, "Good morning everybody, it's an absolute pleasure to meet you all. My name's Katie. Now you may be wondering why we're all gathered here in this circle of chairs."

Wesker replied instantly, "Because it's easier to defend from an attack by either soldiers or wild animals."

She began to laugh in response before faltering in the face of the tall blond's deadly serious expression, "Erm... I... not quite..." Her eyes flickered downwards onto his ID badge, "Albert. But I suppose that's true too."

Katie was fortunately unable to detect the tightening of Wesker's jaw as she spoke his first name and was certainly unable to detect the faint pervading terror from all present at someone who wasn't Spencer or Birkin saying it. "So." She continued obliviously, "Anyone else?"

She glanced around the circle at the silent group of scientists as Wesker's eyes bored a hole through the back of her head before she settled on Birkin, "William? Would you like to hazard a guess?"

Will tore his attention away from the ceiling and glanced around wildly, as though expecting her to be talking to a different William, before smiling in somewhat erratic fashion, "Sorry, what were we talking about?"

Katie maintained her calm demeanour and smiled again, "Why do you think we are sitting in a circle?"

Birkin grinned, like a naughty kid who'd been picked on randomly in class but happened to know the answer, "So you can talk to us about HR right?"

Her smile briefly flickered as she tried to gauge whether or not he was being serious or not, "Well I suppose yes but why specifically a circle do you think?" The faint air of unease in her voice gave the impression that this was not how all her previous workshops had gone.

Birkin hummed thoughtfully, "I think I heard Al say something about animal attacks, that sounded pretty legit."

Wesker remained impassive, "Not just animal attacks, also small scale military invasions."

Katie's mouth hung open slightly before she managed once more to regain her composure, "Okay, well the main reason I did this is so that I could the idea across that we're all equal in this company."

She swept an arm across to indicate all the individuals sat in the circle, "In this seating plan, how do we know who's the boss and who isn't?"

"I am."

"Ah, thank you Albert."

Birkin scratched behind his ear, "Sorry what are we talking about?"

"The circle, William"

"Right. Cool."

"Anyway, what I'm trying to say is the best companies have an atmosphere which doesn't place excessive value on titles and the chain of command but instead tries to be equitable to all its employees. So with that in mind, I'd like to go round the circle and have everyone introduce themselves but instead of saying your job title, I'd like you to say a little fact about yourselves.

Wesker just about managed to avoid rolling his eyes whilst Birkin hid his disbelieving smirk behind his hand.

"My name's Chris Havisham and I'm a keen gardener."

Katie smiled, partly out of habit Wesker supposed but mostly because her workshop was starting to go how she planned, "That's excellent Chris." She gestured to the next researcher.

"My name's Mike Thompson and I'm not a morning person."

A few quiet laughs followed this statement as the circle of tedious inevitably and forced joviality cycled around until...

"My name is Albert Wesker and I've killed a man."

"My name's Caitlin Donnelly and I can down a pint in 8 seconds."

Katie's eyes widened and she waved her arms frantically, "Wait what?"

"I know right? Never met anyone who could do it faster."

"No, I mean..."

"My name's Carlos Morales and I'm a huge fan of the Chicago Bears."

"Can we just..."

Birkin looked tentatively around the room, "What are we doing?"

The HR Advisor momentarily recovered from her panic, "Well we're going around the circle and stating a fact about ourselves but Albert..."

"Oh right, my name's William Birkin and I once got punched in the face by Al."

Wesker nodded and pushed his shades up to the bridge of his nose"That's correct and I'd do it again."

Katie swept her hair to the side in exasperated fashion, "Is anyone going to acknowledge..."

"My name's Sarah White and I've got a lovely daughter aged 18 months."

"What is happening?"

55 minutes later

"Never again!" The blond-haired HR advisor snapped as she strode rapidly from the room.

Wesker smirked with satisfaction and Birkin grinned, the two shaking hands as she strode off into the distance.

In the end it was Birkin who spoke "That was the best HR workshop I've ever done."