A/N: So yeah... I've been slaving at an epilogue for this for like, a month. Finally last night I decided to screw it and started over. And mercifully I found my writing groove for this fic again. Yay for that. I will be posting part of my original epilogue to my Tumblr for those who are interested. So... since I wrote this in a few hours and it's unbeta'd and writing happy is not my strong suit I apologize in advance if it's not 100% perfect. But it did get so long that I'm splitting it in two parts. Thank you all for the reviews (especially), favourites, follows, and Tumblr asks/fanmail for this fic. And a great big THANK YOU to Wee Kraken for generously beta-ing my original draft of this, and generally putting up with my crankiness at having writers block.
Important stuff - This picks up a little when Ben is 2 years old, and covers (in this chapter) until he's nearly 4.
Tobias' feet impact with the pavement, hard, sending tendrils of pain up his legs. It's been too long since he's had to use the trains to get around the city, he's out of practice.
"Come on, old man," Zeke teases, prodding him in the back and urging him towards the Pire.
"Ha, ha, motherfucker. You're the same age I am," he shoots back, knocking his body into Zeke's with enough force to let him know he's not joking, but not enough to really hurt him.
"Yeah, but I look good," Zeke says, running his hand through his hair, preening ridiculously. It's enough to make Tobias crack a smile for the first time all day.
And it has been a long day. A couple times a year Evelyn gets a hair up her ass and decides to have a temper-tantrum, refusing to speak to anyone from Dauntless that isn't Tobias. There is a part of it that is misguided maternal instinct, trading on the one card she has left to play to see her son. But forcing her company upon him doesn't really do anything to endear her to Tobias. There is too much bitter history and bad blood there for forgetting or forgiving, especially now that he has Benjamin as a point of reference.
It wasn't easy be a father at first; sometimes it still isn't easy. His fears didn't magically disappear the day Ben was born and the damage Tobias did to his relationship with Tris left many deep scars, but he has never once considered leaving them, no matter how bad things got. So maybe it is only natural that every time Evelyn tries to plead her case - as she always does no matter what bullshit excuse brings him there - that all it does is push him further away. The idea that he could abandon his son, leave him with someone violent and abusive, is unconscionable. He doesn't know how Evelyn can live with herself knowing that is exactly what she did.
He and Zeke ride the elevator up to their apartments in silence, but it's much different than the tense silence they shared on the train back here. When they part ways, Zeke claps him on the back. There are no words, but Tobias knows he's telling him not to let Evelyn get to him, to stop living in the past and focus on his family because that's what matters now, as he has so many times over beer and billiards.
And he knows the best way to repay his best friend for always being there to listen to him - and occasionally smack some sense into him - is to do just that. Not that he wants to do anything else right now; days like this routinely end with him burying himself in Tris to tell her he's sorry and he loves her in the best way he can think of, and falling asleep in the rocking chair in Ben's room, watching over him.
He creeps into his apartment. The lights are out, but he knows Tris will be waiting up for him. Not that it much matters, the full moon shines brilliantly through the floor-to-ceiling windows, illuminating her in silvery light where she's laying in bed, watching wispy clouds scuttle across the sky when he walks into their bedroom. He is surprised to see Ben curled up against her though, dead to the world. Unless there's a thunderstorm he usually doesn't end up in Tris and Tobias' bed.
"Rough night?"
"Hmm... the Terrible Two's strike again," Tris replies noncommittally. "I think he's out for the night though if you want to put him back to bed," she offers.
Tobias frowns, pulling off his socks and shoes and shimmying out of his jeans. One of the worst fights he had with Tris was the week after they brought Ben home. They couldn't get him to sleep in his crib and Tris had begged him to get a bassinet like one in the infirmary that tucked up against the bed because at least Ben slept there. Sleep deprivation, stress, and jealousy made him snap that 'our bedroom is our bedroom. Benjamin has his own room and he's just going to have to learn to sleep in it and not our bed so mommy is only an arms length away'.
It wasn't his proudest moment and it's one that has obviously made Tris a little wary having the baby sleep in their bed, though really he's not really a baby anymore. Now he's a sturdy toddler who seems to be learning new words on a daily basis, though his favourite lately has been 'no'.
"It's fine," Tobias says, carefully leaning over to kiss Tris before he settles himself on the bed so Benjamin is between them. "So what happened here?"
Some things never change; after a rough day Tobias would still rather hear about her's than talk about his. But she does choose her words carefully, well aware that Tobias tends to twist things around when it comes to being what he considers a good father. "He's just used to his routine, you know? Used to you giving him a bath and being here when he goes to bed. It threw him off that you weren't home, and he was already tired and cranky from playing too hard trying to keep up with Zoey at the park."
Tris tactfully leaves out that after dinner, all through his bath she was treated to Benjamin's stubborn, silent treatment. And that twenty minutes after he sullenly put his back to her and pouted that Daddy wasn't there to read him his bedtime story he stumbled into her room, crawled on the bed, and promptly cried out his bad mood before falling asleep.
Even so she can see irritation flood his features. "Hey," she says softly, forcing him to focus on her and not his overly critical conscience. "It was just one of those days, Tobias. It's not the first time it's happened and it won't be the last. Besides, you're here now and that's what matters."
Tobias sighs gustily, turning onto his side to wrap an arm around Ben and Tris. "Yeah, I am."
"Are you going to be good for your Auntie Christina today?" Tobias asks quietly, hands lightly resting on Benjamin's shoulders as he crouches in front of him while Tris rattles off a list of do's and don'ts to Christina.
Ben's expression turns serious, full of promises of good behavior for his favourite aunt. "I'll be good," he vows.
Tobias plants a kiss between his eyebrows and tickles his sides lightly before standing up and meeting the knowing little smirk plastered on Christina's face.
"And you were afraid to be a father," she scoffs before turning her gaze towards Ben. "We're going to have fun today, aren't we?"
Now that the moment of solemnity has passed he's bouncing on the balls of his feet, eager for whatever Christina has planned for them. "Yep," he chirps, winding his ways through his parents legs and grabbing Christina's outstretched hand.
"Did you remind your daddy not to wear your mommy out before her birthday party?" She asks with a devilish grin.
"Christina!" Tris admonishes, cheeks burning from embarrassment as Christina cackles and Ben looks completely confused.
But once the door is closed Tobias wastes no time in doing exactly that. This has been the trickiest part of their relationship in some ways. The obvious complication of limited privacy with Ben around is part of it, but at first it was much more complicated than that.
It was four months after Benjamin was born before suggestively ran his hand up her hip, pulling her nightgown up as they laid in bed one night. Before Ben was born that was really all he had to do to initiate anything between them. Stiff or not, once they perfected the way their bodies fit together the need for it was insatiable, all consuming.
That night though she gently pushed his hand away and pulled her nightgown back down. Two months of her artfully dodging him culminated in her finally spurning him with pointed words, including the phrase 'I don't trust you', that left him limp and gutted. Communication has never been their strong suit, so instead of talking their problems out like adults, they screamed them at each other as he stood on one side of the room and her on the other.
His festering jealousy that Benjamin claimed all her attention, that whenever he so much as whimpered Tris would drop everything and run to him seemed petty in comparison to her disgust with the zebra-stripe stretch marks and baby weight that clung to her hips and thighs; it seemed juvenile in comparison to her fears of getting pregnant again.
Although Tris often marveled that her mother had somehow managed to care for two babies so close together - something she swore she could never do -, Tobias knew what her real fear was. He knew it was his reaction to another pregnancy that she feared; that she was terrified he'd leave her again, for real, forever this time.
He slept on the couch for a week after that fight, not because he was angry, but because he was repentant. Tris couldn't even talk to him about the things they said to each other that night for a solid month without angry tears stinging her eyes.
It was a slow crawl back to something resembling what they had before that had more to do with repairing their damaged intimacy and trust than actual sex. Still, even though neither commented on it, Tobias always took a moment to reverentially kiss the physical scars pregnancy left on her body, at first to reassure her, and later to pay tribute to the way she had kept their son safe and healthy and loved.
And he does that today after he lifts off the loose cotton tank-top dress she sleeps in and lays her down gently onto their bed. Since it's her birthday and they have some precious privacy he devotes considerable time to having his head between her legs. By the time he's done his scalp hurts from her insistently tugging on it as she arched and keened under his careful ministrations.
Tobias licks his way to her hip, nipping on the soft flesh surrounding the bone. Pregnancy forever altered the lanscape of her body, but it's not all bad; the hint of womanly curves left behind only add to her beauty, he thinks. And nearly three years after Benjamin's birth she's just as strong and nimble as she was before; something he takes full advantage of.
Afterwards, with Tris half draped across his chest and sweat melding them together she nuzzles into the silky skin of his neck, that tender spot under his ear that seems designed just for her. "Christina was right. You're not scared anymore," she mumbles, sated and sleepy.
Tobias chuckles lightly. "If that's what you're thinking about right now I didn't do my job," he teases.
He feels her lips pull into a smile against his flesh, and her hand tilts his face more firmly against hers. "You did your job just fine. I'm looking forward to a repeat performance, but I'm going to need a nap first," she quips and then yawns.
As her limbs grow heavy against him, Tobias traces shapes on her back as she dozes and he mulls her words. But he must doze off too at some point because he wakes to Tris perched on top of him and peppering his chest with kisses. When he finishes what she started he's the one who picks up the thread of their conversation again.
"I'm still scared. There's days when I second guess everything I do with him, worrying if I'm fucking up, but it's not like it was," he confesses.
"So do I," Tris says. "It's normal. And it seems to me the people who do the most damage are the ones who either know and don't care, or are so convinced they're doing the right thing they never second guess themselves."
Tobias doesn't have to think hard about which category Marcus fell into. The term 'self righteous' was never so accurately applied to a man as it was to him.
"I know you didn't want Benjamin-"
Tobias opens his mouth to protest, but Tris slaps her hand over his mouth.
"It's okay. You can admit to me that you didn't want him at first, I was there, I lived it afterall. But since he's been born you've always been there for him, and I know how much you love him now. But I think... I don't know... you needed him. You always said you struggled with kindness, but you don't, not with him anyway."
"And I do with you?" There's just enough of a teasing tone that Tris could pass off his comment as a joke if she wanted to, but under that is something rare, something she's only witnessed a handful of times; the vulnerability that Tobias keeps well hidden within himself. Those five words, that simple, silly question when wrapped in those tones says something else entirely. He asking her if he's cruel to her, if he hurts her, if she stays with him because she thinks Ben needs a father more than she needs a lover.
She peels her head off his sweaty chest, tracing the plans of his face with her fingers as he watches her with those fathomless blue eyes. "No, you're kind to me too," she says. "Sometimes we're just stupid and hurt each other when we don't mean to... and sometimes when we mean to," she adds in a whisper. "It doesn't mean we don't love each other though."
Eventually they force each other out of bed and into the shower so they don't go to Tris' birthday dinner smelling of sweat and sex. Tris even goes so far as to don the lacy black dress and kitten heels Christina gifted her early, but that might just be because there is a threat implicit in the ribbon wrapped boxes.
When they get to the italian restuarant in the Pit - Tris' favourite - Benjamin squirms out of Christina's arms where he'd been pouting and straight into Tris', babbling about how Auntie Christina took him swimming, but then how she was very mean and made him eat carrots with his lunch of grilled cheese sandwich. He's just three years old, so not everyone can understand him, but Tris doesn't seem to miss a thing.
And somewhere between the entree of baked ziti and dessert of tiramisu, watching the way Ben and Tris seem to light each other up as he sits on her lap and eats off her plate he finally gets why people - some people anyway - purposefully have kids. Benjamin is how much they love each other, shaped of muscle and bone and flesh. The living, breathing embodiment of their love.
It makes him wonder how different things would be if she got pregnant again.
It seems like Benjamin has claimed half the pots and pans as bath toys. They tried buying him proper ones - little wind up sharks that could cruise around in the water, special crayons for scribbling on the sides of the tub -, but nothing is so entertaining as their kitchenware.
"Hey, hey," Tobias squawks as Benjamin drenches his shirt with bathwater, "keep that in the tub."
Benjamin giggles madly, pushing up on his knees and and sloshing even more water out as he grabs his father's face and plants a very wet kiss on his stubbly cheek.
"Come on, Monster, time to get out. Mommy's going to think we've drowned in here if you don't get out soon."
Some nights it's still a struggle to get him out - Tris occasionally jokes that they should have named him Jonah he likes water so much -, but tonight he gets out without a fuss. He's big enough now that he helps dress himself, though the snaps on his flannel pajamas still take a great deal of concentration.
While Tobias mops up the water on the floor and sets the bathroom straight Benjamin barrels into the living room where Tris is working on her laptop, catching up on a few things she didn't get to while she was busy meeting with the representatives from Candor.
"You're getting so big now Ben," he hears her comment, and then her footsteps heading towards his bedroom on one side of the jack-and-jill bathroom. When she looks into it she has to stifle a laugh, but doesn't say anything about it, instead carrying Ben over to his bookshelf and helping him pick out which story he'd like to hear before bed.
When Tobias joins them Benjamin is tucked into bed, his mop of dark, curly hair stark against the pale green of his sheets. Since he was a baby - since the week they brought him home - this has been their routine. Tobias gives him his bath, and then they tuck him into bed and read him a story. It seemed ridiculous when he was so little, but the doctor was right - Ben learned to associate those things with sleep and Tris and Tobias are sure it made bedtime go much more smoothly than it otherwise would have.
By the time he finishes reading The Cat in the Hat Benjamin is out like a light. "You know these Dr. Suess books should serve as a warning for the dire consequences of too much Amity bread," Tobias says sarcastically as they turn on Ben's nightlight and exit the room as quietly as possible. They go back out to the living room, pushing the coffee table out of the way and laying across the plush rug in front of the fireplace like they did before Ben was born to share a beer and talk about every and nothing.
Tobias thought he found happiness when he found friends in Dauntless, thought he knew it when Tris told him she loved him, but on night like these - with the Tris' head on his stomach and her quiet laugh ringing in the air and their son safe and happy - he knows he was wrong. And if he thinks about how close his own fears and stupidity brought him to losing that it scares him worse than Marcus wielding a belt.